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Dealing with the pain and loss of dignity associated with addiction
I hope that I don't offend anyone with this posting. That isn't my intention. I just feel that this story is worth sharing. And, I do also have a question that directly relates to addiction.
I myself am not an addict. I lurk and read your posts; it helps me to understand. I feel that I know you.
For several years, I was in a relationship with a gentleman who became addicted to opiates (oxy). He didn't have pain but was just abusing drugs. We were very much in love and at one time engaged to be married. He was a successful professional and to outsiders appeared to have the perfect life. But inside, he was always struggling. He fought the addiction. He went through treatment several times and tried attending both AA and NA. Eventually I had to end our relationship because I could no longer deal with the "craziness"... but I never stopped loving him. He took a leave of absence from work and spent last summer on a big bender (we worked together). That ended with getting arrested at a drug house and sent to treatment. After that he came back to work. He was clean from drugs (I think) but heavily abusing alcohol. His work suffered A LOT. He bleached his hair and let his physical appearance go. He got several DUIs.
On March 3, he didn't show up for work. His manager and another co-worker went to his house to check on him and found him in his bed. He'd shot himself in the head. I went to the hospital and sat with him until he died later that day.
This disease kills. Now those left behind suffer. Please don't allow it to take more lives. -J
I myself am not an addict. I lurk and read your posts; it helps me to understand. I feel that I know you.
For several years, I was in a relationship with a gentleman who became addicted to opiates (oxy). He didn't have pain but was just abusing drugs. We were very much in love and at one time engaged to be married. He was a successful professional and to outsiders appeared to have the perfect life. But inside, he was always struggling. He fought the addiction. He went through treatment several times and tried attending both AA and NA. Eventually I had to end our relationship because I could no longer deal with the "craziness"... but I never stopped loving him. He took a leave of absence from work and spent last summer on a big bender (we worked together). That ended with getting arrested at a drug house and sent to treatment. After that he came back to work. He was clean from drugs (I think) but heavily abusing alcohol. His work suffered A LOT. He bleached his hair and let his physical appearance go. He got several DUIs.
On March 3, he didn't show up for work. His manager and another co-worker went to his house to check on him and found him in his bed. He'd shot himself in the head. I went to the hospital and sat with him until he died later that day.
This disease kills. Now those left behind suffer. Please don't allow it to take more lives. -J
Hey hippie,
You said, "just like when we plant somthing it takes a season to grow."
Um... were you referring to a good hemp crop? Cause about every three months, it's time to harvest. :)
Just doin' my share to help "stick it to da man".
Peace,
Methman
You said, "just like when we plant somthing it takes a season to grow."
Um... were you referring to a good hemp crop? Cause about every three months, it's time to harvest. :)
Just doin' my share to help "stick it to da man".
Peace,
Methman
God I feel so stupid for having so much self pity after I read everyone elses posts. At the top part of the thread there was alot of talk about depression.It helped to know Im not the only one going through it.Its really bad though.I scare myself.i am naturally a very strong person and tell anyone that doesn't like it to f*** off. Now coming off meds I feel like the smallest most useless person in the world.Is that normal? I only have one true longtime friend in the world and he told me today that I am not at all the person he knew before the pills. I feel weak and sorry for myself when really I did this to myself. I dont even have a right to whine.I rolled the dice ,time to pay the price.I guess my question is can little pills make you feel this crazy when you quit? I feel so little when I should be proud as hell for as far as I have come.So what do ya'll think?Can coming off pills make you think you've lost your mind.I dont even know where the real me is anymore. I used to be cool as hell. Now I am just a little whiner who cant decide if life is worth living.Can coming off this junk make someone feel like this or am I bound to this depression forever?To anyone who suffered from bad depression after quiting(some people dont)some input would be awesome?Thanks for your time,Doner
Hi... I know that my story is sad. I lost someone that I loved and that hurt. But it isn't all bad. I was able to have a long relationship with a wonderful person and for that I'm grateful. He wasn't abusing drugs when we met (neither of us even knew what oxy meant). The first time he went through treatment, I went to family week and was introduced to 12-step programs, specifically Al-Anon. For me, that has changed my life. I have been able to apply the 12 steps to my own life and slowly, slowly change my own life.
Don't get me wrong.. it wasn't easy. Toward the end of his life, watching him self-destruct was *very* hard on me. During that time, I went to extra meetings and also saw a counselor. I finally realized that I had to be responsible for myself. No matter what he did, my happiness was/is up to me.
The week before he killed himself, a peaceful feeling came over me... I just sortof realized that we were never going to be us -- that although I loved him, it was over. (I'd broken up with him months before that, but this was different).. so, I told someone who I knew I could trust that if he were to ask me out, I'd go. I went on a date with a different man in the 1st time in over 6 years -- nothing wild, just a movie. Then the day before he shot himself, my ex-fiance called me. For some reason, I just let him talk and listened without judging. He was obviously drunk or high or both and wasn't making a whole lot of sense, but I still just listened.. no point in nagging. He told me about some crazy plan he had and I just said that it sounded like a good idea and that I was proud of him.
That was the last time I talked with him.
I believe that everything that happened to me throughout that time was my higher power guiding me. Without Al-Anon, I never would have let go enough to let things happen as they did. Of and by myself, I probably would have told my ex that I knew he was drunk and lectured him. Then I would have regretted it forever. That goodness that I had turned that control over!
I can honestly say that I just loved him.. as he was. That doesn't mean that I would have subjected myself to life with an active addict; I wouldn't/couldn't have done that. I also love myself.
Well, I'm rambling on... I know this is a forum for addicts and not really people like me. If you want to talk more, kiki, let me know.
Don't get me wrong.. it wasn't easy. Toward the end of his life, watching him self-destruct was *very* hard on me. During that time, I went to extra meetings and also saw a counselor. I finally realized that I had to be responsible for myself. No matter what he did, my happiness was/is up to me.
The week before he killed himself, a peaceful feeling came over me... I just sortof realized that we were never going to be us -- that although I loved him, it was over. (I'd broken up with him months before that, but this was different).. so, I told someone who I knew I could trust that if he were to ask me out, I'd go. I went on a date with a different man in the 1st time in over 6 years -- nothing wild, just a movie. Then the day before he shot himself, my ex-fiance called me. For some reason, I just let him talk and listened without judging. He was obviously drunk or high or both and wasn't making a whole lot of sense, but I still just listened.. no point in nagging. He told me about some crazy plan he had and I just said that it sounded like a good idea and that I was proud of him.
That was the last time I talked with him.
I believe that everything that happened to me throughout that time was my higher power guiding me. Without Al-Anon, I never would have let go enough to let things happen as they did. Of and by myself, I probably would have told my ex that I knew he was drunk and lectured him. Then I would have regretted it forever. That goodness that I had turned that control over!
I can honestly say that I just loved him.. as he was. That doesn't mean that I would have subjected myself to life with an active addict; I wouldn't/couldn't have done that. I also love myself.
Well, I'm rambling on... I know this is a forum for addicts and not really people like me. If you want to talk more, kiki, let me know.
Kim- You have a GREAT outlook and attitude when it comes to "Life".......... I'm glad you posted what you did-- You probably helped more people than you realize.
Some of you "Old-timers" may get a kick out of this article I stumbled upon tonight:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=638&ncid=762&e=1&u=/nm/20030618/en_nm/people_hunter_dc
Some of you "Old-timers" may get a kick out of this article I stumbled upon tonight:
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=638&ncid=762&e=1&u=/nm/20030618/en_nm/people_hunter_dc
Glad to see you back and posting again!I was wondering where you went to!?!I wish you all the luck in the world you can do it girl!!!Love to ya..Jerri
I was glad to read your post.I feel the exact same way.But this is like the 3rd time I've detoxed off oxy's and that feeling will past.Me and one of my friends were talking today and she said you know before the pills you were the 1st one in the club and the last one to leave and now I don't even go to the store for cigarrettes.I feel like I have no personality and I don't know if I even want one,hell yes I do.See I'm just as confused as you.But hell,I go through this so much you'd think I liked it.Remember this it helps me a lot:IT DOES'NT MATTER IF YOU WIN THE FIGHT AS LONG AS YOU WIN THE WAR!! email me if you wanna whine together sometimes it helps and I been doin'a lotta whining lately. Tobie (***@****)
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