Dear Lord-1 year and NOW I screw up???

[Needhelp59]

Guys, I have been really open about my battle with xanax, how it took months to taper and get off, and it has been over a year.  for those that remember I have been struggling with my sisters addiction(s), my dad, my grandmother, caring for my neice and nephews - anyway, long story but my precious grandmother is just in such bad shape - she is 98 and so special.  Yesterday I went to see her and she looked so bad, and for the first time did not know me.  I had to leave the room and I just collapsed and sobbed.  A nurse that i have gotten to know pretty well came out to console me and gave me guess what - a xanax.  And I took it!!  I hate myself.  I cannot believe I swallowed it.  It did calm me down, and I am not craving more, but I feel like I have erased the last year!!  I feel I have let down my husband, my daughter and my friends here as well.  I am so so sorry.

[ILoveLukey]

Hang in there.I am no expert on this but I  lost my father (my hero) last week. Then 3 days later found out that my sister (best friend) has a brain anurism and needs to go for major brain surgery. Talk about a rough week.  I am on Suboxone and have been doing great, but this has been a test that I never want to go thru again.  I was sooo in emotional disresss that I wanted to just say to heck with it and find something to take to try to take away all of the emotional pain.  I  sat down, and thought "where will that get you?" Will that make things better tomorrow? then realized that all that would do was set me back and not help the situation at all.  so, as tempted as I was, I refused to set myself back.What good would it do......????  You have not let anyone down.  You went thru hell like I did...it will all get better and you will be able to cope. Don't beat yourself up. Just try to deal with it without drugs.....Take care and good luck.

[Lola_mama]

OMG, don't beat yourself up about this!!  Seriously!  I haven't even begun my battle to get off my pills (will be quitting cold turkey next Thursday), but I know that you have accomplished an amazing thing by quitting and not taking a single one for a whole year!  You should be damn proud of yourself!  So you had a hiccup?  BIG DEAL!  Today is the first day of the rest of your life.  Who says that just because you took one means your will keep taking them?!  Just don't!  Forgive yourself, and move on with your life.  Just be strong and don't do it again.  I know it will be very hard with all that you are dealing with right now, but you actually managed to quit those things in the first place!  That's something that many people cannot do!  If you could get off them after being totally hooked, then you can stay strong now right!?

Good Luck!  I know you are strong enough to hang in there!  
Remember, you can always come here and talk.  I'm brand new here, but it is the most wonderful, supportive forum I have ever been to!

[bubbaganoosh]

Hi excately your only human, it was once i tried xanax like years ago pretty strong stuff made me really depressed too did you find that? 1yr is great work keep going think of all the good things of it

[GoingToMakeIt]

1 Xanax does not a relapse, make.
Keep on going on, and don't you dare count this as back to square one.

[speciality]

it also has not messed anything up. God allows U Turns! Turn around now! Good luck!

[worried878]

I hope that your grandmother does not have to suffer too much...my grandma...i called her Bam...was very special to me....i would not feel as if i were no longer clean because of that...addiction is an illness...and sometimes we get a little weak and you had every reason to feel weak....i hope you feel better and dont be too hard on yourself....give yourself a break

[tinaisdone]

Hey there.....Just wanted to let ya know I'm thinkin bout ya! I am new to this forum today, read your forum and decided to let u in on my thoughts....hope they help! If we all took our meds as prescribed, would any of us be addicted to our DOC? I would really hope that u think that 1 xanax has not made u relapse or feel as if u have relapsed! U medically needed it at the time, although I do think the nurse was wrong to give it to u.....That's how so many of us have ended up in this mess! I am on day 2 1/2 hydro 10/500- 8-10 a day cold turkey withdrawal. So as i continue to pray for u, I ask U to Pls pray for me. God Bless!!!! Tina

[poetrygirl1960]

I am a nurse, and the nurse had no right legally or morally to give you a xanax.  She could be fired for that, even if she was doing it out of compassion which I'm sure she was.  Over a year? That is an admirable accomplishment for you.  Feeling the way you did with all of the drama in your life not many people would say no, and I don't think in the least that this brings you back to day one.  You were xanax free a year, you took one (for the exact reason they are prescribed), you didn't crave more.  Go buy a pint of Haagen Das and celebrate, you deserve icecream:)

[chrissy317]

I can relate to what you're going through.  You are NOT a failure!  Don't EVER think that!  You will regain your strength and come out on top.  I was taking 0.5mg of Xanax for 4 years, then I gradually tapered myself down (VERY carefully) to 1 0.25 mg every day for a couple of months.  Than, I broke the 0.25 mg in half for a few weeks, then took the halves every night for a couple weeks, then every other night and I've been Xanax-free for almost 7 months now!!  April 17th will be 7 months exact!  I wish I could taper off of my 10/500 Lortab but I'm taking it AS PRESCRIBED every 5-5 and a 1/2 hours for pain (I have a lower back injury-almost 5 years now) .  I want to eventually be Lortab-free, but know it's not easy!  E-mail me back if you'd like!  Any advice on Xanax, I'm here for you!!!!

[krissysmom]

So sorry to hear about all the problems - hang in there and don't beat yourself up.  I would have done the same thing if I had been thru what you have!!

[Needhelp59]

Thanks so much - you are all too kind.  It has just been an awful few months.  I think what scared me was that when my mom got so sick before she passed away 7 years ago is when I started taking the xanax.  All this craziness with my sister (my post yesterday got moved to the social side??) - we just found out she has spent over 50 grand in the last 7 months.  I went on line and set up an email account in her name and got a credit report and almost died when I saw it!  She left rehab, and has lost her job.  The kids have suffered so and I am trying to care for them.  Then with my grandmother, it is just so sad.  She cries all the time and begs me to bring her home.  It is just so heartbreaking.  I guess it is good that the one pill i took, while it helped tremendously, did NOT set off a craving for more.  I just felt like such a failure for not being stronger - I could have just said no, but I didn't.....I love you all and have missed you so much!

[duckandcover]

First, I'm really truly sorry to hear about your grandmother.  I've been where you are and I understand your feelings.  They are overwhelming.    

Second, what happenned doesn't count as erasing a year.  I think your reaction to what happenned is kind of proof of that.  It's clear you understand the danger and from your reaction to what happenned I'd say that you're not out seeking more.  You did the smart thing by being open about it.  Talk it out on here or with someone you trust for smart advice. cathy is right, just keep posting.

I would also suggest finding someone you trust to talk through your feelings regarding your grandmother so that situation doesn't overwhelm you either.

Stay strong.

[josh231]

yea seriously dont beat yourself up i if all that was happenn to me im sorry but id prolly be doin alot more than 1 xanx dont worry about it you have to much on your mind you dont need one more thing if you dont want another one your fine you know you messed up it happenss

[Rose703]

I agree with everyone else here......you didn't erase the last year at all. You were in a tough situation and took the drug from a nurse for its intended use, not to abuse it. You have the added benefit of not even craving it now so please don't feel bad over this one time.

[cathy5841]

oh no dont beat yurself up. you took the med for its intended purpose.  grant it the dr did not give it to you, but you are going through do much.  you did not erase a whole year.  sometimes our emotions get the best of us.  just keep on going.  keep posting here for support.  you know you will get it.
love ya
cathy

[dove3053]

Don't feel the last year has been erased. Xanax does have a legit medical use and it sounded like you needed it. The good thing is your not craving anymore. Don't be so hard on yourself.

Dove

[10356]

I'm so sorry for the pain you feel for your Dear, Dear grand-ma, Please don't beat yourself up over this one mistake, just be extra cautious for now as you are vulnerable Their is know need to apologize. You might ask the nurse to not offer anymore to you. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[confused456]

Awwww, you have been dealing with soooo much! Under the circumstances, I honestly think I would have done the same thing.
Don't beat yourself up even though it is so hard not to. I have you in my thoughts and prayers.