Death, Depression etc...............

[OxyDout]

I need help today, I found out yesterday that my uncle died, now thats not a huge issue however, once again it brings up bad memories of losing a good friend and this morning when I woke up I was miserable, I ached everywhere and I couldn't get out of bed. I was late for work and I have to go to a wake tonight, I can't handle this right now, I feel like I have become an intravert in the last 24 hours, I don't want anything to do with anyone, i just want to forget about everything including my life and just sleep. I don't know what I will do in the next two days, but I'm very upset and more scared then anything........

GWH

[andycuk]

Hi I am Andy,
I am 15 and from Liverpool UK, no, i am not "just another stupid kid". I had a girlfriend, for five months and we have been through alot together and now she is moving away. this is not some teen love flimsy thing, I loved her and now she is gone, I don't sleep/eat ever, I sit up playing my guitar and it has been like this for over a month now.

andy

[Frenchee]

Funny you posted about your pain... I actually really hurting today. It has been for a few days. I cant hardly walk and seating feels like my "stomach" is going to explode. I just hurt so BAD. I have not taken anything in over 2 months but it is not getting better. It usually hurts twice/month and then it is ok. I have done the heating pad but it does not do much for me. My OB put me through "fake menaupose" one year ago and it was really tough on me. Constant hot flashes, cold sweats, mood swings and gain weight... about 20 pounds. It makes me sick just thinking about it. I am only 30 and I am not ready for the Hysterectomy (sp?). I am hoping to have one more child in the next couple of years.  I have been blessed with my son... I, also have had several lap and I am suppose to have another one this summer. Gee, cant wait... Anyway, it hurts. I know you understand the feeling. I just dont know how to deal with it. Thank for your support. Hope you are doing all right.

[tlk]

Frenchee, I had endo pain for years so bad I couldn't take it. I had three laps and a hyst. The last lap was a month ago and the doctor took out my last ovary. It had a huge cyst and was bleeding into my pelvis. The pain would shoot down my leg and I couldn't walk or move. The thing is, after detox the pain was worse then ever, because, according to my doctor, I had been on the drugs so long that my body was not producing any of its own endorphins to kill the pain. Once I got through the few weeks of misery, my body started regenerating and is now producing endorphins. So the pain isn't as bad. Certainly not as bad as being addicted to norco. I had memory loss, still don't remember a lot of things that happened. My old boss called yesterday and said I was such a start and then it just went to ****, he would tell me something and I wouldn't remember it. They called me into Internal Affairs and I got pissed and quit.
Back to the issue: a heating pad works wonders. If you can take bup, it really helps. Some natural supplements help. For me the only thing that worked was having NO hormones in my body. I'm 32 and going through menopause, but honestly it's not bad; hardly any hot flashes and it did take away the pain. Endo just feeds on estrogen. When it does still hurt, I have to remember the horrible things about being and addict, and decide which is worse: addiction or pain. When  I had the migraine today, I almost would have said pills. It's a daily fight we have to keep up; one day at a time, don't think of it as forever, just get through today. Sounds corny, but it works. I need to take my own advice. tlk

[Frenchee]

Jennyfla, I am glad you are doing all right.  I am thinking about you. I know it is tough but you are going to be all right and feeling BETTER before you know it. I am dealing with heavy pain today and have not gotten any sleep in the last 3 days. I keep waking up and having a hard time breathing. I dont know what is going on but I am scared to go to the doc since I was caught doc hopping.. NOone wants to help me. Even if it is legit, they dont care.

TLK... How do you deal with the pain and no pain killer. Or are you still taking something? I am SO tired of feeling that way. My head hurts, and I feel like my stomach is going to explode. I am cramping really bad today. I know it will be better soon. It usually does not last more than a week but GOD.... such a pain.

I am thinking about ALL of you and hope we all make it through the day, and the next one, and the next one.....

[tlk]

Frenchee, if you're still reading, we're in the same boat. I started my pills for endo, migraines, but loved them and kept up. Finally, after years, the pain from the endo seems gone with my last surgery. I'm 32 and have 3 kids, and all my youngest has seen is me sick (she's almost 6). That kills me. I really want to be there for them, and when I think of how capable I used to be before I fell, it kills me. I want to be that person again. Sometimes when I was high I was that person. No, I guess I faked that person. Just wanted to share, since we're similar here. My husband and I seperated but got back together, trying to make that work on top of everything else. I've hurt so many people, and it's my kids that really get me. And myself.
tlk

[jennyfla]

Thanks for asking.
My taper is going pretty good, i am maintaining on one 10mg meth today, which is down from yesterday.
My husband walked outta detox last night and i had to drive all the way down there (45 miles) to pick him up.
I just got back from dropping him off at another detox closer to the house, and a much better place.
It's gonna cost us, but shoot, money doesn't matter, we don't have any anyway!
Good luck to you sweetie!
Lv Jenny

[GOD]

Hi!

Just wanted to see how you are doing. You know how I was telling you and everybody that all the online pharmacies are a joke? Well I found a Legit one in Florida... I use Ultram (as you might know from my posts..) anyway, you can get Ultram, flexeril, and SOMA there legally (for a VERY good price), but they don't deal in any Narcotics like Vicodin or Percocets, Etc...

Anyway, I hope you're having a great day Frenchee~!!

Bye for now`
Jess

[Frenchee]

Thank you for your post. I hope you are doing Ok today. How is your husband doing? I am thinking about you and you are in my prayers (in my own way). Please keep strong. You will make it.

[jennyfla]

Well WW, you know i always look up to you and admire your strength for keeping on and staying clean.
Thank you for your prayers, and i'm really hoping i can find the strength within that i know is there to do this.
You are an inspiration to me, always, i always think of you when it comes to quitting, so remember that, and know that you're one special witchylady!!!  :)

Frenchee, you have a lot of strength and i am so sorry about your loosing your husband.  I always have that thought about my own husband, and unfortuately, the fear is very close to becoming a reality.  Despite our habits, somehow us mothers find the strength inside to care and nurish our children despite our illnesses.  Mother nature is remarkable in that respect.  
Keep being strong, and it will get easier.  Your husband's death will never be easy for you, but over time, if you can come to terms with it in your own mind, it will get easier for you.
Just remember, life here on earth is only really a small part of our existance, you will be with him again one day, and then it will all make sense to you.  Good luck to you!

JB, you've always thought so highly of me, and i really appreciate that so much, especially when i'm feeling down.
I've walked many lines, always trying to keep one toe over the sane side, but i know all it takes it one gentle knuge and i will fall.  I'm the type that tries to remain on the side of what's right, but i take my chances at times, and somehow i've remained alive to this point, but my luck may run out eventually and i know it.  
Thank you for caring, and know that i'm thinking of you too.  You've had your fair share of hell, and you're gonna be ok, you've proved that.  Everything really is going to be ok!

Love to you all, Jenny

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I've always posted here with you in the back of my mind.  It's been a long time, really, that you and I have been here come to think of it!  My advice to you has always been to do whatever it takes in order to survive(cope)without killing yourself and your family.  You seem to have done well in spite of all my advice my friend.  I like that in a person!  Give me a handful of people like you and we could....?  It just takes a certain amount of character and spirit and "no whining" to go the long haul, right?

When all is said and done and we are alone and still capable of lucid thoughts, maybe we can be thankful that we tried it all.  We've used every conceivable drug and combination of drugs and any rehab program available and have survived!  Now you have a lot of experience and common sense under your belt that will see you on through the rest of your life.

J.B.

[Frenchee]

Hi there. I read your post and you really moved me. I know how you feel... I went threw my own detox in February. I, too have a child and I am a single mother... I am 30. My husband passed away 3 years ago... It has been tough. I started the pills for migraine and endimitriosis... I did enjoy the Highs.. .to I kept taking them...more and more. I even had valium, soma, and duragiesic patch. With all that, I still managed to take care of my son and my daily things... Anyway, it became too much and ALL I wanted was to get high. A good friend of mine saw that I was in trouble and that I needed help. He did just that. It was kinda "toughlove" but he got threw my head. The first 2 to 3 weeks were hard. Lots of fluid... I read a lot. It kept me focus. Anyway, to make a long story short, I just wanted to say that I understand your pain. Is one of your kid big enough to help you out? You dont have to explain but just say that "mom" is not feeling good... Let me know what I can possibly do. I am thinking about you. Get the help you need. We are all here to help you out.  : ) Good luck.

[groovygirl]

i was joking about the good/bad thing...

i used to have a friend out west that was wiccan.  he was something else every 6 months - he'd try something, get tired of it and move to the next thing.  he was always trying for the greatest shock value he could get.

i have heard it is a very peaceful religion (or whatever you refer to as being), and anything involving nature and showing appreciation for nature is great in my book.  i'm not really sure where the "witch" aspect of it all fits in, but i am interested in finding out more about it.  i love to study things - doesn't necessarily mean it will become "my" thing, but learning is my hobby.

[Witchywoman]

Hi groovy...I'm a good witch, I guess...there really is no such thing as a bad witch. I'm Wiccan, otherwise known as preChristian European Shamanism, but it is pretty ecletic these days.  I don't discuss it much here, as we all have different views on religion and I tend not to talk about it unless specifically asked.  It's a life affirming, peaceful religion that focuses on the Divine inherent in nature and celebrates the seasons of the earth, and a whole lot more that I won't go into here..but it's all good stuff.

Jenny, I'm rooting for you woman. Just stay focused on the goal, and take Kip's advice, I am convinced he knows what he's talking about.  We're all in your corner and I'm sending you strength and love.

JB..as ever, your words always reach me right in the gut.  My prayers and thoughts are with you.

love,
WW

[jennyfla]

Hi JB,
Hope you are doing ok.
I couldn't help but really be affected by your words about the 'little deaths' then adding up to the 'big death'.
You are so right about that!  Just running and hiding behind a bottle or a pills just to make it all go away temporarily, but taking such a big toll on your life just for such a short time of enjoyment.
Then, BAM, you're back into reality again, then what?
Waiting to do it all over again, and dedicating your full day to this, and this only.
Your only real focus.  Sure we may work, take care of kids, go about our daily day, but me personally, i know what i'm always waiting for, to get high again, and for what, just a very short time to feel numb for a while.
It does all add up and it does catch up to us, all of us, no one is immune.  Some it just catches us earlier, others it moves slower, but it always catches us sooner or later.
I've been behind my husband this entire time.  I took a break with a pregnancy, plus, he was always a bit more 'active' shall we say in his drug use.  I'm looking at a man that looks like he so close to death it scares me.  It scares me because i am now in places that i've seen him go through and never throught i'd reach that point, never not me!!!  So when i look into my husband's eyes i see my future, and it's not a pretty sight.
My husband went to detox this morning, and he's going to have help getting all the toxins out of him and hopefully find a way to stay clean once he comes home.  I'm left to do this on my own, and i do have a plan.  I just hope to god that god is kind enough to spare me the full brunt of withdrawal because i have to work, and my kids need their mom.
We shall see.  I just wanted to tell you that you words are so true.
Addiction is a powerful beast, and i was warned, but unfortuately, you just don't believe it until you've lived it.
Good luck to you and thanks!
Lv Jenny

[groovygirl]

are you a "good" witch or a "bad" witch?  hahaha - just kidding.  what kind of witch are you?  are you a wiccan (sp?).  i'm very curious about that kind of stuff...sorry if my questions are ignorant, but i guess that is what i am in this area.

[Witchywoman]

Wren! Wow, another Witch on this forum! Yay! It's nice to not be the only one..lol.  Nice to meet you you..mm and bb , as we say.

Are you by any chance the same Wren who used to post last summer?
If so, welcome back...if not, I wonder where that Wren is? I lost her email address and think of her often.

love,
WW

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

Wren, I was just wondering if you could possibly be from Colorado. At any rate, I think you are trying to say that we should stay in the here and now state of reality and get on with life. That's some good advice so stick with that, Wren. I used to feel the same way, once.

Sure, I arise each morning full of physical pain but feeling so hopeful that today will be decent and tolerable.  And you know, for the most part, every day is a treat for me! Most days are well worth the effort.

I've forgiven myself of so many things lately that I can't help but be kind to myself. Kind of like the way I treat my old hounds. They are thirteen this summer and can't hunt anymore, and I can't bring myself to put them down. They bear all the scars and injuries of many battles and like me, they are survivors. And they love me, I know they do!

J.B.

[hippy]

just kidding  ha  ha

[rowanshyne]

I know you already know this, but sometime we need to hear it instead of just telling it to others.

"That was then, this is now".  Remove fanny firmly from pity pot, and carry on.

My own belief is that Addiction is a living entity and it will do  *anything*, ANYTHING, to bring you back into it's prison.
These memories arise and you think you want to either die or get loaded again.
Stomp the livin' sh*t out of Mr. Addiction and live for *today*, it's the only thing you can make a difference in.

Hell, I just screwed up, sent a post to the wrong person and in the post, I had explained to a friend that I was building up the chutzpah to tell the insultee exactly what I thought of her.
I can't even fall back and say, "Wow, maaaan. It was like,  the drugs, ya know?"  I wasn't on drugs. Damn!

So if you *really* need someone to whip, pick me.  My arm is getting tired from doing it to myself.

In my religion, my spirituality, I believe the primary reason we are here is to learn and grow.  You can't learn and grow sitting in the sunshine *every* day.
I also believe in re-incarnation, so if I give up now, I just have to come back and start all over again. <sigh>  I'll keep going, thank you.

Now, help *me* instead of always thinking of yourselves, lol!

Wren

[skipper]

JB:
such an eloquent post. my life seems devided into some before and after. the before ...all the drugstores....anything morphine, di-
laudid, neumorphan...all waiting for kip. it drives me crazy today!
all the bad things i did to people i cared about...all the other
bad people...all of it 24-7. and now i get to play it out again and
again....i think steve earl wrote a song with a line in it that's
always stuck with me "what they don't tell ya' 'bout life in the
fast lane-- is you always come home on the slow train. yeah that's
me ....plenty of time to replay all the really screwed up things i
did to other people and oh yeah, all that **** i did to myself. we
have got to to let our selves off the hook, but how?

keep an angel on your shoulder
kip

[IrishRose]

J.B., some pretty profound rambling young man! I know what you mean about the self forgiveness. I am trying too. I have spent the majority of my life running from myself. Awhile back I was on an airplane reading a meditation book I have been into lately by a buddhist nun. This guy sat down next to me and asked what I was reading. He said "oh you're into all that new age stuff huh?' I told him it as actually pretty old age stuff. Well it turned out he was a Hindu. He started giving me all sorts of unsolicited advice about how to live my life. It was pretty hilarious actually but he for some reason told me to quit running from myself. It was kind of weird that some stranger picked that up about me or maybe he was just weird. At any rate I have been trying to make friends with myself. I hope it is not too late. I thought the pain of just sitting with myself and my pain would kill me. At times I wished it would. But I'm still here, trying to get along with myself minus the chemical babysitters. Sorry to hear about the loss of a loved one in your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. IR

[J.B. to Brian and Vicky]

I'm hoping that things are looking up for you presently. I'm bumming around the house today looking for something constructive to do to keep from getting buzzed. We had another death in the family and my wife flew out to Boston yesterday. It seems like life is starting to get shorter anymore when we start losing all our loved ones left and right! It was best that I stayed home to take care of the "farm"...so here I am.

My story is little different than most here. I'm simply an addict concerned with opiate and alcohol abuse for many years. People have remarked here that I've had such a remarkable life and have experienced so many things that I must have had several lifetimes. In part, it's true...I'm abnormal for the most part though when I look at it.

It's a common belief that your whole life flashes in front of you before death, correct? Well, three doctors say I'm going to die soon due to all of my diseases. Everyday I get to think about some part of my life that I screwed up(there are many)and I get to forgive myself quietly and humbly. It's one way of deleting some of the "tapes" that keep rolling in my head over and over to the point of driving me insane. I think that the surest sign of this insanity is the act of swallowing another drink of alcohol or dose of morphine just to forget who we really are for a short time. These "little deaths" will eventually add up to the "big one" soon enough. Selfish, eh?

Talk about rambling!  I'm gone...

J.B.

[Frenchee]

Thank you for your post. It is nice to hear that, especially when you feel down... Congrats to you too for staying away from all this ****. I know how hard it is. I will try to look at me as a success story... I guess there is positive in everything. You just have to look for it.... Talk to you soon. Hang in there.

[Jack Frost]

Hi Frenchee, congradulations on two months clean. Don't look back. You are a brave woman, you went through hell, your kids are lucky to have such a wonderful mother. As far as not being all there well, in my opinion we are all in a dream, some know it some don't. When I came here I was on 200mg. a day of hydros and 3 shots of vodka and a six pack every day. Right now there is not a mg. of hydro or a drop of booze in me. Two people here took me under their wing and I found others on the net and I come here.

I still grieve for all the people who died so close together and I miss them right now. But I also have come to think of them as saints or allies. I really believe in what goes around comes around. Sow seeds of negativity and you will be surrounded and consumed by it, sow seeds of recovery and walking into the light and loving and you will be taken care of by the gods.

I admit it is a simple perhaps niave philosophy, but I believe it.

I will say one of my prayers for you. You are a success story, hang it there.

Peace,

jF