Do my doctors know I am doctor shopping????

[lilly1307]

I have been battling opiate addicting for about 10 years (18-28 years of age).  I have usually obtained my drugs through seeing multiple doctors.  I have been on methadone twice and relapsed (one time i quit cold turkey and the second most recent time my parents paid for rapid detox).  I literally relapse one month later- I know its awful, I am full of shame, and hate myself for what i have done to my parents.  Its such an endless cycle because i feel so guilty unless i am high, and I am guilty because i am high.  anyways, my question is as follows:  I am most recently on the fentanyl patch.  I had moved overseas and the country did not carry oxycontin, only morphine and fentanyl so i started using fentanyl.  I recently came back to the states for vacation and went to one of my old doctors for a refill of my patches, I also went to my old pain doc who gave me a script.  I went back yesterday to my pcp doc for a second script (it has been almost a month so it is time for a refill- only about four days early, I even called the pharmacy to make sure it was not too early to fill, which they said it was fine).  Well, the PA which always writes for me (fentanyl, vyvanse, ambien, lyrica, and xanax) had her nurse tell me that the doctor put a note in my chart that i could NOT fill my fentanyl until three days later.  I am flying out on sunday and they said they wouldnt fill it till monday morning.  I didnt want to make a scene and have already paid to change my plane ticket once to leave later so i could get the refill.  The nurse didnt listen and told me not till monday (three days from now).  I told her i still wanted to see the PA so i didnt look like a drug seeker.  I was sooo mortified.  Well, while waiting in the room for the PA (who is a super young, always kind lady) I could here the nurses, receptionist, and PA talking very loudly about me!  I couldnt believe it.  I am an addict and if they new i was doctor shopping then they obviously have every right to be angry, but still that is unproffesional.  I heard them laughing, making fun of "those bad apples", saying that they should just come in and throw my paperwork at me and tell me to leave.  I also heard her say something like "I am going to offer and see if she takes it.  I wanted to run out but was scared i would look more guilty.  The PA finally came in and I asked her about to refill a non-narcotic prescription which she did.  She wasn't nice like she usually is, but didn't confront me about abuse or doctor shopping.  I dont know if they know or if they were just making fun of me because they thought i was trying to get meds too early.  I had called three times prior to my appointment to verify that i could fill the script this weekend and she brought that up but nothing else.  She was basically cold and told me on monday morning my scripts would be at the front dest and i didnt have to pay for another appointment.  I am freaking out.  I am scared I will come back and the police will be there.  Even when i left the receptionist purposely made a loud rude comment.  I have played this over and over in my mind and i am thinking that if they did find out about the other doctor would'nt she have said something or cut me off.  Why would she say come get them monday.  My flight leaves sunday and the pharmacy is downstairs in the lobby and the pharmacist said he would go upstairs and get it and my sister could pick it up for me.  I just want your opinion of why you think they were acting that way all of a sudden.  Thank you and please don't lecture me.  I know I need to quit.  Actually this is the first time that i have really wanted to be clean.

[Frogger76]

I know this is an old thread, but I'll respond to docshophater's post anyways. You can't blame the DEA's crackdown on opiates souly on people who dr shop. In my opinion, this has been a long time coming. Yes, you do have people who dr shop, but you also have folks who use only one dr, but that dr chooses to write a monthly script for tons of pills, whose at fault there??  You stated that you've seen up to three dr's and actually asked for pain meds? Of course their going to treat you like an addict, that's just how it is these days. Look, I'm truly sorry your having a rough time right now, but putting the blame on a certain group of folks is absurd. I think the majority of us addicts have contributed a little to that problem, IMO. Anyways, I hope things get better for ya. Take care...

[lilly1307]

I just wanted to give an update of my situation for those of you that care lol.  I haven't posted recently because I was traveling to the middle east which is like a super long flight as i had to fly through germany.  Anyways, I wanted to address what I said about taking the proper dose.  I said i was cheeking the fentanyl, and the amount i am cheeking is the amount i am prescribed to wear.  I wanted to clarify that i said while i was in the states that i had gotten double the amount from seeing two doctors, and if that was the case how did i run out if i am taking the prescribed amount- well, i initially had started cheeking more to get higher as my tolerance was building, but also i was given gel patches for one prescription and wasnt able to use them because u cant cut them down in size to cheek.  I actually still have them because i didnt want to sell them and kill someone.  I do admit though that i was using more than prescribed earlier in the month but have since tapered down thank god.  i guess this is all apples and oranges because regardless the dose i am on i am abusing the medication and taking it wrong.  I have been cutting down as best i can and went to see the doc i have here since i was unable to get my script in the states since my flight left.  I literally had one dose left and was so scared i was going to have to withdrawal cold turkey on christmas, the nurse at my docs office said that they couldnt prescribe my meds anymore because the ministry of health is becoming more strict, i was about to have a nervous breakdown, so the doctor called me into the office and i started babbling on about how i need to at least taper and cant just be cut off cold turkey, he looked at me funny and then wrote my prescription and said that it was fine, they were just discontinuing some patients meds, but mine were fine.  I told him i was still going to try to taper. the good thing about being here is that only one doctor at ONE hospital and ONE pharmacy in the hospital carries the patches and is allowed to dispense them and the country i am in has no other opiate meds except morphine.  that helps me in that i cant doctor shop and have to taper.  I know many people have cold turkeyed off fentanyl but it scares the hell out of me after researching it (and i bet that the majority of those people did not cold turkey by choice,) anyways, i am going to be here for a few months and have talked to my parents about going into rehab or an intensive out patient program and they are in agreement.  I have cut down to cheeking 50 mcg every two days instead of 75 mcg every two days and had withdrawal, but nothing too severe.  i also quit taking my sleeping meds which is ambien.  i know that it might not sound like a big deal, but to me it is and i am proud of myself.  i have been taking lyrica twice daily which helps with withdrawal (i have a ton of it from my last detox).  anyways, thanks for the support and i will keep u updated.  I want to go to meetings now so bad but they have none here.  they do have a psychiatrist at the hospital we go to but they dont do anything to do with drug addiction.  I was hoping there were online meetings, anyways all your stories of how you beat your addiction really help me and give me hope so thanks!

[overopiates]

Sry about the errors with my spelling cnt fix em and was typing obviously to fast on my phone.I promise I can spell lol

[overopiates]

Glad u know u have a problem and are taking the steps to change it.Ive been reading since yesterday but wanted to c what ur intentiona were before I commented.Honestly no I really dnt believe any1@the drs office knows ur dr shopping u wouldve been confronted and released as a patient on the spot.Those rude women do know u r an addict though thats why they were saying stuff.U were trying2get ur meds early.U said u called3times to confirm u could get them.Thats a hyge red flag.Thats probably why ur dr is making u wait til they r due to the day sweetie.1call u wouldve probably gotten them when u went but those other calls juat screamed out this girl ia strung out they assumed u were out,going through w/d &asking2speak2ur dr DID NOT make u look better it made u look like an addict who thought she coyld talk her pill pushing dr into givinf the meds to her early if u begged her/had an excuse.TRUST ME ur dr has heard the im goin out of town stoey before for people to get there meds early.Usually a total lie.Also u said  r dr shopping which means u r gettinf multiple scripts of the drug ao u saying u take whats prescibed isnt really true u r taking whats prescribed but from multiple drs.If u c2drs u r taking 2times what ur prescibed.On the positive side u r taking steps to thats most important.As for ur sister getting really mad cause u relapsed after rapid detox well she is mad because she loves u.U should b happy that@this point w/so much help people still love u enought to get mad when u relapse cause if they didnt thats when u know they have given up on u.Be greatful.Its a shame that after the last detox ur parents paid for no1made sure u had an aftercare plan in place to maintain ur sobriety.There r people who go into the regular detox centers for a few days to simply get there tolerance down so when they get out they can get high on a lot less.Thats basically what happened2u even though it wasnt ur intention.I assume even though u cut ur dose ur r still cheeking.U need to start using the patches like u r supposed to.Cheeking causes u to get hiher but for a much shorter time than using them properly and thats part of why u feel like u r w/d so much.Its partly that and I believe partly mental ur body is so addicted its convincing u that u need more so u wnt get sick.A vicious cycle.I would say this2any1changing the way the  ingest there meds other than prescribed(snorting pills,shooting them etc)like I said when u change that u will get a more intense high BUT it doesnt last half as long as taking meds the proper prescibed way.Get that out of ur mouth.Try taking what1physician prescribes and use the patch properly.Thats the1st step to tapering and u dnt have2panic about running out either.As for ur sister I assume she has a food addiction.u said ur parents helped u w/weight loss stuff.not sure if u mean diet drs or surgery but understand she is an addict like u.Unlike her being nasty(only cause she loves u)u should talk to her tell her in a gentle way u know she has an addiction if anyone understands addiction sweetie u do :-) U should confront her about mcdonalds bags hidden and those things but do it from a loving place.Maybe u two can help each other when u get back.U both need meetings.Yes u need2go to NA/AA(btw all the meetings r not the same u found1liked it at1st then the gossip started remember a couple things.1st u r there for the meetings and u will get a lot more out of it if eventually u share,try meetings at different times til u find the one ur most comfortable with and 2nd u dnt need or have to socialize with them outside of meetings and that eliminates the gossip so find a meeting group u like if u spend time outside the meetings any gossip starts excuse urself leave and stick to the meetings and ur sponser)it sounds like  could even benefit from going2some meeting with ur sis for OA.If u have all that under control maybe go to a few with her for support and u certainly wnt lose a thing from going to a different type of addiction group.all the support u can get is worth it.Hope u take this into considerarion when u get back n a month.proud ur here&trying.

[dominosarah]

Have a safe flight and stay in touch lily~

[NeedingHope4Me]

I just wanted to add in my own sharing here lily..I was on 3 100Mg Fentanl and oxy's or Dilaudid for breakthrough pain..I am now 19 days clean COLD TURKEY...It can be done don't let your habit have a hold over your real life to be it''s sooo worth it..if you ever need to talk message me .BTW Excuses kill I had the best and almost died be careful of them Fentanyl is the devil ;)

[optimus22mac]

Hi Lilly...I just wanted to suggest that you continue to post while you are gone if you have access to the internet...I think it's really important to keep this line of communication open...especially if you feel so comfortable facing the truth here.  You can continue to taper while you are gone, and then when you are back and ready to go inpatient or whatever, you will be on a much better dose to do it from.  And I know it seems like the last thing you want to do, but consider talking to your family...your parents helped you before, they love you and want you well....though I do agree that it sounds like your sister may not be the best to talk to.  It's a very lonely thing to be going through, and though they will likely be disappointed, they want you well, and you need the support.  Stick around and keep posting:)

[clean_in_ks]

You have certainly become open and willing since you started your first post.  Good for you.  Have a safe flight and trip overseas and be sure to check back in with us with you return.  We will still be here and hopefully so will you.

I do agree with LeaAnn about focusing on yourself....but I gotta tell ya....
you gave me such a good belly laugh with your last post.

I have an immediate family and an extended family FULL of addicts or those that are sick and codependent from loving those addicts.  It's really quite overwhelming at times.  There are a few family members that have never been addicted to drugs or alcohol, have quit smoking and don't gamble, don't have a sexual addiction, and are not workaholics.  So....they have a tendency to view the rest of us differently than they view themselves.  But these very same people are obese, or have trouble with money due to their unhealthy behaviors with money, or SO codependent all they can do is rag on the alcoholic/drug addicts in the family.

So since I got clean, God has put in on my heart more than once to figure out a way to "lovingly" share w/them that most ALL people in this life mask their feelings, pain, hurts, etc. with SOMETHING.  It may be food/overeating, it may be working nonstop (which are both "acceptable addictions" in our society, or it may be alcohol or never being home for our family.  Life is full of alternative traps that we all abuse in our own way until we are willing to get to the root of WHY we do what we do.  Guess our challenge is to find HEALTHY ways to handle our pain and love all those around us no matter what they use to "escape" life's realities.

So....that's Clean_in_Ks' Philosophy 101 for the night LOL.  I just had to share that for some additional perspective and admit that I seriously did belly laugh when you said "at least when you quit eating pie you don't go into w/drawals".  But ya know what......that's because I'm an opiate addict that I found that funny.  But to an obsessive overeater that hates the way they look and feel......maybe they DO have w/drawals.....and the addictive behaviors, the secrecy, the lack of aftercare.......still fits the bill.  And my heart hurts for all of us who live in a prison of our own making.  The good news is recovery is possible and a new way of dealing with our pain is too.
Blessings all~

[LeaAnn807]

You're right.  It doesn't sound like your sister is one to talk, but let her deal with her.  You're the only one that YOU can change!  I used to do a similar thing with my patches, except I would just take the gel out and keep in in my mouth.  I didn't cut up the patch. I cut it open.  I just completely took it out of the patch altogether!  So I know sort of what you mean.  I just quit one day.  I got cut off, and that was it.  Not many docs prescribe Fentanyl, so it's not like it was gonna be so easy to find for me.  I just promptly moved to another drug.  Did this for YEARS!

I wish you safe travels tomorrow.  And I sure hope you take all of this with you.  You've literally got to do something different to take care of yourself.  I'm scared for you if you don't.

[lilly1307]

Thank you all for your posts.  I appreciate all the advice, counsel, and especially like the ones, that though feel a little harsh, are the complete truth.  Thank you.  I have started tapering, I actually am proud of myself, i have had some withdrawal but have cut down (literally) to half the amount I was on.  It ***** but I think that I now have the motivation to do it.  People dont realize how much having a place like this helps.  You can vent, and tell the truth to others that understand.  It really helps. I always try and talk to my sister about addiction but I feel like she minimalizes it, basically she always says "Drug addicts should just quit, you should just quit and deal with some withdrawal."  I get upset but dont show it to her because i want to shake her and tell her how hard it is,  obviously an outsider looking in is like just stop and blah blah blah. i get mad because she is overweight and i say to her why dont you just stop overeating, and she says she is dieting (my parents have paid for my rehabs and her weight loss programs)  well when i relapse she gave me hell yet she sneaks food (i find containers and mcdonalds bags hidden) and i feel like she shouldnt judge me for failing when she is failing herself.  At least when you stop eating pie you don't withdrawal. anyways, this may sound stupid but i have always thought this but never told anyone so it feels really good to vent.  I don't want to start an argument weight loss, i just wanted to make my point.  anyways, thanks for taking the time to read this.  I fly back overseas tomorrow so hopefully i will stick with my taper plan.

[gnarly_1]

HI I was the king of doctor shopping for 10yrs it no way to live your always thinking your going to get cought and what if you do your addiction has got a good hold on you or you wouldent have went threw all the steps to see the doctor....Ilived like this for years sooner or later it got to stop and the sooner you do the better off you will be you said you have detoxed b/4 so you know what it like and although bad it never as bad as we think it will be... our forum is all about recover and getting well with some support here and mebe something like N/A you can kick for good we all do this just for today so dont get ahead of yourself try some of the things suggested a lot of us have been right where you are recovery is possible if you truly want it...........Gnarly

[dominosarah]

When you decide to get honest with yourself this insanity will stop and so will the excuses.  I hope you can find an inpatient rehab and get some serious counseling.  Using is only a symptom of what is really going on with you.  Take back your life, you are worth it.

As for your last comment about the doctor versus the drug dealer...after you get back from rehab, you can answer that one.

[lilly1307]

I understand what your saying about telling the doc the truth, but the specific doc i go to is a pill pusher and doesnt really care if the person has a problem as long as they get paid.  My first visit they gave me oxy, xanax, and vyvanse.  I am moving away from this doctors area anyways so I think that i want to go to an inpatient rehab.  I have done the rapid detox (torture) and relapsed quickly.  Thanks for all the help and support.  I know that some responses are going to be that i am just making excuses about not telling the doctor, but isn't that like telling your drug dealer "I want to get clean please help me," -like he cares he wants your money???

[lilly1307]

I am prescribed 75 mcg/48 hrs but i cut it up into small pieces to cheek.  Basically I cheek the amount I should be wearing.  Thanks for the help.  I think one of the hardest thing about fentanyl withdrawal is how fast and hard it hits you.  With methadone I feel like the withdrawals are horrifying but they creep up on you slowly in the beginning, with fentanyl I feel as though I am constantly fighting the withdrawal (if i am not actively sucking on a piece i start feeling ill).  anyways, that is just my opinion.  I had been cheeking more but have now tapered down a bit.

[GoingToMakeIt]

Totally True, Sarah!!!
I have always said that until a person gets honest with themselves and those around them. They will not get clean!

[dominosarah]

So when are you going to quit doing this your way and reach out for help?  This isnt your first rodeo so you gotta know that just stopping the narcs isnt enough.  Have you thought about being honest with the docs and telling them you are an addict?  As long as you can still get the meds the temptation is there.  I hope you are really serious about getting clean as this is a dead end road, literally.

[overeasy]

If your cheeking - which is what i was doing at the end- if u can taper go that way.  i ct and i had to crawl to the bathroom, the short walk was like a marathon.  i literally looked like death.  it took a good 10 days before i felt like the detox was anywhere similar to that of coming off pills.  how Much are u doing?  

[laurel453]

I would not see as much disrespectful that the nurses talked about you ( although it is as a rule quite disrespectful talking about patients, they were dealing with another kind of situation)... look at the positive thing. I really think that they were "warning" you... they knew you could hear them so they were telling you that they knew you were drug seeking..This way, they were preventing you going further and facing more problems once caught doctor shopping, for instance..

Hey, welcome here :) Read the thomas recipe at the health pages.... i would buy all the stuff to take with me and help me with wds. I know you are going to a country where there are not the same help you could find in the US but don't get down by this.Many people detox without much help... you can do it too !!!!!! and keep posting so that we can support you, ok ? :)

[weaver71]

Take the above advice to heart, and consider relapse prevention therapy. I have been following Terrance Gorski's CENAPS model of recovery. I've found that some of the exercises and concepts to help me look at PAWS and relapse and a new way.  I encourage you to try new things until what works for you sticks. I relapsed on methadone over and over again until lately. I'm learning to see the patterns of my thinking and why I kept failing. I have to seperate what I think from what I do, just long enough to choose what is best for me and everyone. You are absolutely in the right place, you will prevail.

[Teresa1717]

I would not c/t Fentanyl. Im not sure of the dose your on but You should taper it (cant give specific taper advice but It should be a slow taper)  but I would wear it as its supposed to be instead of "cheeking" it so as not to get all the medicine at once.

Im really glad that you are serious about wanting to stop and wish you the best!

[lilly1307]

First of all, I do want to be clean.  I have never wanted that for myself, only because others like family wanted it, but i do NOW. I have been actively researching recovery the past week because i have gotten to the lowest low.  I already wanted to get clean BEFORE the doctor acted strange.  The reason i went to get meds still was because i am leaving the country for a month and dont want to withdrawal cold turkey from such a large habit.  i want to taper.  i am not going to lie, part of me wants to keep using as not to be sick, i am scared to death, as most addicts are of withdrawals.  I have withdrawaled many times and it always ***** but from what i have read fentanyl, though shorter than methadone, is one of the worst kicks.  I know i am making excuses, but i also know that every doc says taper from fentanyl at high doses.  anyways, to those of you that said i was scared of getting caught, not wanting to get clean, i wouldnt even be on this forum.  like i said the doc situation just happened and i as a human being am of course nervous about getting caught.  I was too embarrassed to tell anyone about the doc visit so i finally decided to post something, i understand that you are trying to encourage me, but please dont tell me what i know, i want to be clean and sober and have a life worth living, not live in this continuing cycle of hell.  Thanks for all the info and help.  Lastly, what method would u use to get clean if you were me.  Cold turkey, self taper, etc??? i will be out of the country for a little over a month and where i am going they do NOT have rehab facilities or suboxone or anything for drug addicts, thanks

[MSmith2220]

When you feel the way you do about them know. You are about to get it. I knew it, they give you plenty of warnings before they throw you out. However, we don't see it until its too late.

You know they know. Look at the warning signs they are giving you. The best thing you could so is come clean with a trusted doctor and tell them you want help. Then you WILL get the help you need but its up to you to keep that path. Its easy to break off again but after telling a Doctor you are an abuser, you will be flagged forever, I guess.

Make sure you're really ready so you don't go after something stronger in a worse place. Good luck, friend.

[Katya5555]

you've gotten a lot of tough love and straight talk here. I just want to say that it is a horrible feeling to have people talking about you and very disrespectful. you are a person, a human, and it hurts to be referred to as anything less than that. Many of us are familiar with the urgency you feel about getting your script covered. It's also awful to feel so full of anxiety and paranoia. To spend all that time going over and over stuff in your mind and feeling bad. To get clean would give you some relief from all this stuff. I wish you the best, and I'm so sorry you've been treated badly. No one deserves that. No matter what kinds of problems we may have, we deserve to be treated with kindness and caring from our medical professionals. not punished.
Katya

[Teresa1717]

Hi there! It doesnt sound to me like you want to get off the pain meds and that youre only worried about getting caught? So to answer you and as the others have said, if they dont know yet, they will and probably very soon. Once suspicion is there, its only a matter of time for any GOOD Dr's office to start investigating. I suggest you start looking at yourself and decide if You want to take your life back or if you want to just end up another statistic ending up in jail or worse.  The heavy opiates youre on will do just that. You cant strop this train Im afraid.You can Either stay on and see exactly where it takes you or jump off and take control of your life again. Dont be selfish and make your parents bury you!

Im sorry about my bluntness but I hope you take this as a sign for you, I really really do!