Guilt is something that eats most of us up. It kept me using for many many years. Only until i took back my life and started talking about the painful things i did the healing began. I dont let guilt consume me anymore. Recovery is a slow process and needs to be, I have been clean almost 6 yrs and i am still learning new and useful tools.
I really pray that I can post something like this soon. Well, I know not soon as in a week, but soon as in 45 days. My goal is to be pill free within 45 days. I am not sure if that is a real estimate, and if not I would really like everyone's input please :)
My dream is to be clean and sober. I want to be back in school, I want to start teaching again and I want to finish the kids' high school years strong and actually present.
I've started to notice that even though I am showing up physically for things, I am not there mentally and I can't remember things either. It is kind of scary and demeaning and embarassing realizing that I have been so high for so long that the last 4 years are nothing but a pill induced fog.
BTW, thanks for giving me some positivity!
Thinking about my past, and feeling guilty kept me drinking and using. I just didn't want to feel that emotion. I get it. I try my best to look forward, and to make "living amends", meaning just doing right by my loved ones and other human beings. You said you feel ok at a meeting, church or here, so stick where you are safe.
I never knew how much this dirty little secret impacted my life until I realized how close I guarded it. Now I understand more than ever why I need to stay in circles that are safe.
Your dream will become your reality. There is nothing we cant do with sobriety. Focus on the journey, not the destination.
I understand all to well about guilt. Im in the prosses of tapering and I have to remind myself I can do this. And that I truly want it more than anything. You too can do it. Keep moving forward and keep wanting it. I believe we have to want it and like others have said to always work at staying clean. I will send good thoughts your way and you can message me any time. Being on this forum is a great step. Make sure to cut your sources. You are strong and will beat this :)
Thank you Miss Penny! I am so afraid to cut my source because it is my sis. However, our relationship is based on pills now anyways. We don't even talk to each other unless one of us wants something. But, you are right, I just need to cut her out of my life for myself, my family and my upcoming sobriety. I want to be clean more than anything I have ever wanted.
I really feel so connected to everyone here because everyone is going through/have gone through the exact same thing. Hopefully in 45 days you and I can look back on this day and say,"WHEW! I MADE IT AND I'M NEVER GOING BACK!"
Thanks again Miss Penny!
Would your sister support you if you told her you were quitting? Tell her you don't want them any more. Family is important. Maybe she would even follow your lead and quit also :) but building a relationship with out pills might open up a new and beautiful world
All the people on this site are amazing, yes there have been dark clouds but a lot of people were helped, I too abuse substances and have major Depressive Disorder, but look at the responses you have already we are a community and as long as people exist on this blogs we are never truly alone, thank you to everyone, I am taking this one day at a time and let's all make the best of life and find our happiness
Guild and low self esteem is what kept me in this addiction. I tried to hide it with the pills but I was and still am always depressed, and it gets even worse when I try to stop. Lately I have been trying to keep an upbeat attitude and going back to the gym and doing things I used to do just to get my self confidence up. If I have confidence in myself then getting clean is possible, but if you let the guilt eat you up it will be hard to go back to normal.
Sometimes when I am detoxing I will look around my house and wonder why I bought this or wonder how I was able to live with crap scattered all over the place for so long. It makes me depressed just to think of how different of a person it makes me, how recloused it has made me over the years. I don't fit the stereotypical drug addict you see on TV, you would never know if you saw me. I hold down a job that pays me 6 figures, I drive a nice car, I used to be in excellent shape, I always considered myself somewhat of a "catch" until the pills slowly took over. Thats what makes me depressed more than anything, because its not something I can just fix overnight.
Guilt, that kind of seems like a nice word for it, absolute loathing and hatred for myself is closer, not quit bad enough though. Yes, for me, the guilt was me accepting God's forgiveness. I felt sooooo bad for the things I kept remembering the longer i was clean, I kept thinking quietly in tears, "See God, I really am sorry, see wife, kids, friends, clients, I can't make it go away it is so sincere. Time and creating a me I could be proud of is what made it stop, I still think of time as wasted. Truth is, even my mistakes have become tools to help others avoid them, a new perspective will grow for you. I don't feel good about that chapter of my past, but I am the opposite of that now, so I can accept it. Give it some time and know that it is okay to feel bad about doing things you regret, it just shows how big your heart is. Most addicts are pretty big hearted people, it will be filled with love and inspiration eventually.
I think that is why 2 of the 12-steps have youake a list of those you have done something to and th make ends to them. You get all your guilt out on paper and then tell those people what you did and sincerely aplogize. You make amends.
Once you are on the sober path you can do that. Until then just try to show them you have changed. That you care for and love them. Them if you decide to make amends in 6 mis or whenever, they will honestly believe you and know you are not that person anymore.
We all have experienced this. Getting off the drugs clears our heads and makes us see what we have been doing.
Quilt? I can laugh about it now, but guilty feelings helped lead me down the path to alcoholism and then I piled on a thousand more reasons to be guilty. Looking back it was in one of my very first AA beginners meetings that I said how guilty I felt. Those people helped me to start the process of rethinking my feelings. I learned how outside forces can push you to do some pretty bad things and that you can't keep beating yourself up for what other people did to you or what you did to yourself. Just because you feel guilty does not mean you are guilty. Long years of psychiatric analysis help a lot.
I'm taking your words with me today!!!! Just because I feel guilty doesn't mean I am guilty! So simple, but really a concept I have never, ever considered. You have just made my morning!!!!
Oh the clutter! Sometimes I look around and I can't be anything but sad and ashamed amd absolutely dumbfounded. I too am the person who fits the 'no way!' Standard on what people think an addict is. That used to be my favorite thing about my addition, no one would ever know! Well as it turns out the only people who have benefited from not realizing what I am aren't here anyways, seeing as how I have isolated myself to the point where I sit in my house, on my couch, with no lights, tv blaring, waiting for my stuff to kick in, not being able to leave because I've taken so much I can't possibly drive or for that matter cook, clean or function. I really hate this disease.
But not today! Just for today I am going to do the laundry. Just for today I am going to my meeting. Just for today I am going to church. Just for today I am going to breathe when things get to be to loud.