Done but not over...

[nadaone]

My now ex partner and I had been together off and on for a couple of years. They were using throughout, both booze and drugs. I myself drank socially and didn't use drugs. Our last time together was when they decided to get clean and sober. It was great. They got into treatment, and BANG about one month later I got a "Dear John" letter explaining that they needed to focus on themselves and that it was an unhealthy relationship, and that they realized that they were mostly to blame for all the hurt and anguish that was inflicted. Anyway, a month later I found out that they had started seeing someone they met in treatment. Like, what was all the stuff in the letter to me for if they were just going to jump right into another relationship? They dropped a very important part of the treatment that had apparently been all set up and they were very excited about going to. Is this normal for two people in treatment to have a relationship? Do they usually work out? This is hard for me to let go of because I dont understand why she is doing the opposite now of what she told me she needed, and has taken up with someone with the same problems. ??????? I was totally willing to go all the way to the end with them.

[sway1]

getting the hots in rehab is very very common. it's feels so strong but it's usually just a "chemical" reaction. if we were out in the world, probably wouldn't look at the person twice. if it's any consolation, it's probably doomed to failure. sway

[nadaone]

Sorry about the " them/they" reference. Its only for privacy sake. They is a she. Not sure how people would react in this forum. But at this point it doesnt matter. Thankyou for your help. lol Your not slow, I thought it might be confusing. Anyway, i am trying to move forward, and i will. Easier said than done, but time will heal I guess.

[cathy5841]

hi sorry you are having to go through this...i am confused you keep referring to an ex-partner but you keep saying them and they...sorry i am kinda slow..lol...i know every program i have been in says dont get involved in a relationship for a year...it takes a year to learn who you are after addiction...sometimes even longer...like IBK i have seen many ppl start a relationship in early recovery, but cant think of any that lasted...move on with your life...you deserve to be happy!!!

[nadaone]

Yes, thanks, it does help. I dont wish either any ill will. I guess I am just confused. I still care about my ex, I was more than happy to go through it all with them and support them in any way I could. They pegged me as codependant and thus I figure they thought I was part of the problem. Trying not to take it personally. Thanks for your words. Appreciated.

[IBKleen]

Hi,

As hard as it is, don't take it personal. It i common. As addicts we are always looking for that quick fix, whether it is drugs or people. Anything that makes us feel good is fine. It is also a way for us to take the focus off of ourselves.

It is strongly recommended that addicts do not enter into a relationship for the first year of recovery in order to have the time to work on themselves. I have seen a lot of people over the years jump into a relationship. I do not know of any that worked out.

I don't know if that helps you but you need to go forward with your life now. It seems that past relationship was toxic.

I am sorry for your pain and hope you are able to put it behind you and go forward. Best to you.