Don't know what to do

[LeMeridian]

Hi Everyone, I posted something around last week about getting off of Norco's.  Been taking them consistantly for 1 1/2 years now.

I am over it.  I want to quit.  I don't like myself....I don't like how i feel around other people.  I just don't like it.  My husband takes them as well and I want him to quit too.  That will be another struggle all in itself.  One of the times that he quit on his own (doc told him that if he took another pill he would die), I wasn't ready.  My husband is my source of this hellish nightmare...he knows the guy that knows the guy....you know the drill....

That was the worst time that I have ever quit.  It was horrible and it only lasted for me 3 days.  I don't know how I did this to myself.  I know that I shouldn't be so hard on myself - but I am.  I work like 9 - 10 hours a day...make good money for my age....used to be with a modeling agency.  How could I let myself get this deep?  Is this my secret lover?  Why wont it let me go when I ask?  Why does it have to be so cruel?  It sees me crying and knows that I want out ~ but yet it wont let me go.  Why?  What else did I do to it other than love it and think of it every minute?

I just want out and I need help.  F*ck - I've never said that before or written it...but I do.  Please someone help me...

As you can see I am totally open for suggestions.  

[LeMeridian]

Isn't it crazy when you get on here and realize how many people there are just like us?  I mean - the first time that I posted something, I went back on here the next day to see if anyone responded to my first attempt for help and there were soooo many postings.  It made me feel a little more at ease that I had so many potential friends that are or went through the same thing and would be able to give suggestions or help.  

I can tell you that I am really excited.  I am calling my doctor tomorrow and going to come clean.  I made that decision this morning (after crying to my husband again).  I was at first really scared - because it's unknown and I really have a hard time talking.  Escpecially about an addiction problem that I have that I did to myself.  

I am going to go in there and just tell her....tell her what I have done and ask her for help.  I will need something for the withdrawls (because i need to work) and something hopefully for the cravings if there is something out there for that :(  

Scared and exicted,
Me

Talk to you later :)

[lenalena]

your message is unreal.  I read it and feel exactly the same way.  you're a trooper!  you make me feel like i'm not in anyway alone.  thank you for your comments, it helps.

[a$hamed-no-more]

i dont' have IBS - i can't remember typing that in anywhere- did i? anyway.....the pills would constipate me and i wouldn't use the bathroom for 3-5 days and i got really worried! now that i haven't taken in (now) 6 days - I am on the toilet a good 3-4 times a day and i feel wonderful! much cleaner....knowing these toxins are leaving my system!

getting to the gym is hard at first. i had to start slowly with the slower pace stuff like pilates and yoga, then i had to go to group classes like kickboxing and step before i was able to motivate myself to run alone - when i don't feel like going i remind myself of how good i will feel afterwards instead of concentrate so much on how i am feeling at that time!!!!

my family does not know either - just my husband! i will never tell my family as i am too ashamed (hence my name), but i still have a great support group! if you really want to quit - make a list of people you will tell that you know can help you out....when at 3am if you are shaking or craving like crazy, you can call them up and they will be there for you!!!

you can do this. we are all much more capable than we give ourselves credit for! keep writing on this forum and i will journey through your struggles with you :)

- michelle
(see, my shame is starting to leave me more and more that i'm finally telling you my name)

[road2recovery]

Ashamed , ia m also on day 5, much better today..lemeridian--i feel so bad for both of you that have serious medical issues..I can't imagine what to do there..
i have medical issues, but taking these don't help mine...like for you thaking these help your issues, like many here...That is like a catch 22..
i know you think 9 is alot, and don't get me wrong it is alot...But stop now, because it will become 15 or more before you know what happened..And you will never get that first high like when we first started...It will never happen..so we take more to chase for it..But it is gone and will never come back...And that is what keeps me fighting.
Good luck to both
R2R

[LeMeridian]

Thank you for your comment.  It made me feel better  :)    I just had a mini-break down last night.  I took more pills yesterday that I have ever taken.  I took 9 yesterday.  It's like I was chasing the high or something and it freaks me out sometimes thinking the damage that I am doing to my body.  I used to be the greatest shape - mentally and physically.  I looked at my bosy like a machine and I only took/ate thing that would be benifical for my 'machine' to run the best as possible.

I hate waking up in the morning and thinking of how I will plan out my day around them.  I know that I should tell my family/friends ~ but I don't want them to think of me like that.  I don't want to tell my work because I don't want them to look at me as a "liability".

I am mentally set to go to the doctor on Tuesday and tell her everything.  I am just affraid because of my Ulcerative Colitis that with the lack of the "help" (AKA: Pills) that I have been taking everyday, that my body will go into a sort of shock and I will have an attack.  

A$hamed, you said that you have IBS and your doc prescribed Vic's for it, ya?  Serisouly, its the only thing that does help.  My medication that I take for my UC does help ~ but when I am not taking the norcos/vic's with the asocol that I take for the UC, I have the runs and the stomach cramping comes back, I can't eat anything in fear that I will be in the bathroom all day.  I just hope that my doctor will be sympathetic towards me.  I've never really thought that people that have an addictive personally as having somewhat of a mental disorder...but everything that I have been through in the past year has changed my mind.  I know that I have 'trained' my brain to think that pills give me joy and that is the only way that I will ever get it.  

I used to work out everyday and I loved it.  I would feel SOOO good afterward and I have tried to get back into it - but its hard.  I think that I should start working out again after this whole ordeal is over with.  

I am affraid of being put on some sort of addiction medication that I will get hooked on.  I don't think that I will becuase I am ready to quit, but it's definately in the back of my mind.  I want to take something that will help me with the cravings.  Its hard to quit when you work as much as I do and when I am really needed at my job.  I don't want my step-son to know/see me at my worst.  

Justlikeyou - are you like a prescription for help or anything?

[justlikeyou]

you do know what you want to do.

[a$hamed-no-more]

I have to say - I have never quite thought of my addiction as a love-affair....but you are right, it has that same kind of grasp on you!

I am only on day 5 so I don't know that I have the right words to say - all I know is that what worked for me is to finally allow people in on my secret that i knew would help me out, i.e - my accupunturist to help with the shakes and detox, my therapist who can lead me the right direction, my reflexologist who is sending me an herbal detox remedy, a group, and of course...my husband (and all of my best friends) who keep me accountable and help me fight the daily fight! Get help through the people who are in your support circle, this is a battle and it's hard to win it single-handedly!

being a love affair - you should also know that it won't let you go! you have to let IT go, get control of your life back - have a plan, do the things that you know you love to do (mine is going to they gym), get healthy on the outside and slowly those good feelings will start creeping back into your life and you will WANT your life back!!!

good luck....and keep us posted on what your plan of attack is and your progress :)