Don't know where to turn??

[Salma84]

I've been in denial about being a meth addict for the last 3 yrs I've hidden it from EVERYONE until recently I my husband discovered my secret, this is definitely my wake up call, I hid it so well I'm fully functional, I hold a full time job, I'm the sole provider for my household, I have 3 beautiful kids, I'm so ashamed, embarrassed & disappointed in myself because this is not me. Anyone looking from the outside would never in a million years think that I'm harking myself in this way...I literally have not a single soul to talk to, my relationship is all but over I feel so hopeless and scared I did research but they're all in-pt programs I can't afford to put my family in a financial burden along with my absence & losing my job I need help....

[Paulygirlzz]

Your description of hell is just as I remember it. Hang in there, you only have to go through this once. Just this one time can be the last. Does your area have phone numbers to reach an NA member just to talk?  In my area a group of us will sometimes go to the callers house to help out with giving support and help to get through this hell youre in right now. But I do know there's a light at the end of this tunnel. You'll be amazed at what being clean for awhile can be like. I had to put my kids first and I certainly didn't want them to have addiction in their lives growing up. I stay clean and sober today for my family.  If it was just me lord knows where I'd be. Doubt I'd be sober!  Maybe you can try doing this for your kids?  I know the program says you have to do this for yourself but I didn't like myself very much when I relapsed at 12 years sober.  Some old guy in a cowboy hat Johnny Mack told me that after a meeting a long time ago. He said we hate ourselves in the beginning for all the awful things we had to do to stay high so try getting sober for your kids. It just took all the struggle away, I was so relieved because I was so full of shame I could barely look in the mirror let alone do it for myself. If I can stop dope and crack you can do it. I've been sober now for over ten years which is an absolute miracle. I'm my area we also have an agency that helps you get treatment whether it's inpatient or outpatient a few days a week. I don't k is where you're from but most cities have a central office to all for help. I hope something I said helps - I'll be checking in to see how you're doing!

[Salma84]

Thank you for your response, I'm so scared to even go to an NA meeting for fear that someone will find out, my husband himself is a struggling meth addict/alcoholic so that's where I would take just enough from his "stash" to where he wouldn't notice, and the main reasons he's unable to hold a steady job, I guess one day I decided to try it to help me get through the long days at work then having to come home only to work some more & also to be able to tolerate him. Today is my 2nd day sober & I feel like my entire world is tumbling down on me & the sad part is that no one has a clue.  I'm mentally exhausted, I've lost my sense of self in this mess..the reflection in the mirror is not me.  I found a meeting for tomorrow I'm trying to find the strength to go through with it..

[jifmoc]

Go to the meeting, just go. The funny thing is, every time someone says they are scared to be recognized at a meeting, they forget the reason the other people are there! No one is thinking about you when they are in a meeting; they are thinking about themselves. Just like you are.

[jifmoc]

Hi, welcome. When people get to the point where you are, they automatically start off w/ what a burden is to get clean. Not realizing that NOT doing the work to get clean will facilitate the loss of not only your relationship, but losing your kids, and your job, and possibly your life.

I don't know why your husband isn't working, but he needs to step up in order for you to take your life back. If there is no way in hell you can go to inpatient, get into either NA or AA meetings asap. (I go to AA, and there are TONS of meth addicts.) You need need to delete/block your dealer's number immediately. Then go to a meeting. No one can get and stay clean alone, if we would have, we could have.

Stay close to the site. It's good that you are taking the first step to save yourself.