DutchessGolden

[TXRebecca]

Honey, the post actually turned into two people talking to each other (not you), and road to recovery and chrosty, they were posting there, so that the other people would know, that they have your back.  It was actually pretty sweet to me, and just because you don't want to read or post, doesn't mean that they have to do the same as you.  They were just trying to be supportive, and your going to hurt someone's feelings if you say things like that to them, one person in particular is very fragile right now.

Calm down and take a few deep breathes, it will all be ok.  Just stop responding, and that means not re-posting over and over again to the top, because you are letting them win, by letting them get to you like this.  You are appearing quite frazzled right now, and they know it. So relax, have a glass of wine, and ignore TOTALLY.

Your friend,
Becky

[tztlady]

I have your back too.  I'm shocked at some of the people who didn't.  You have helped them too!  I'm pissed that all this was here when I came home from work.  We are here for you and know your heart.  You are a loving person who has gone out of her way to help, even when you were ill you still reached out.  I am so sorry about your baby girl.  I can't even imagine that type of pain.  
You don't appear frazzled to me.  You carry yourself in a dignified manner, always........keep being you, it's beautiful

[TXRebecca]

I know that this is a painful time for you, and you don't need to explain.  Just try not to let things of this nature get to you, because about once every 1-2 months someone comes on here and rocks the worlds of a few people, just to be cruel.  It has always been this way since I joined months and months ago.  I'm afraid it always will be like that, because this is such an open forum, and not really watched over too carefully.

I let the same thing happen to me, and I ended up saying things back to people, and starting my own "safe" forum to get away from them, because I was hurting so much from their responses.  It ended up getting me removed from this site for a while.

But my point is, don't let other rude, hateful people get the best of your emotions, especially when you are at your most vunerable time, because THAT is exactly what they are hoping for.  They wait and watch to see when you are about to crack, then they swoop in for the kill.  And then, you know what happens...they win.  

About five yr ago, I got pregnant.  I was SO excited.  Two months later, I found out I was having TWINS! OMG!  I freaked totally, from happiness, and nerves all at once.  I went on vaction to Durango, CL, and we didn't realize that there were horrible forest fires happening everywhere around.  I got SUPER sick from the smoke all over, and had to go to the ER.  I was about 4 months along, and they told me that I had something called twin/twin transverse syndrome (sp?).  One of my babies was taking all the good stuff from me, leaving the other twin with nearly nothing.  They told me that it would not make it that malnurished.  I was so upset, of course upset is not even the right word to use.  When I got home from the trip, which we cut short due to our news, I felt really sick still, so my doctor told me to come right in.  When he did another ultrasound, he saw no heartbeat.  I lost it!  Then, he told me that I would have to carry the baby that didn't make it, inside me until I delivered the healthy baby.  I was so grossed out by the thought of having a dead baby inside me for sooooo long.  But I did for 6 weeks, until I started cramping badly.  I was 22 weeks along at this point.  I knew something was not right.  By the time I made it to the ER, I was in full blown labor, and there was nothing they could do to stop it!  I screamed and cried the whole time.  I had to go through the entire labor, which was around 14 hrs, until they were born. First born was the tiny one who was not alive.  HE was not any bigger than the palm of my hand, and had a HUGE head, they said hydrocephelous (sp?) was the cause.  I held him until I had to start pushing for the other baby.  I pushed only a few times, because he was so tiny too.  HE came out and let out a tiny squeel of a cry, they took him away, and I never saw him.  I knew that would happen, but about 5 minutes later, they brought him back, and said to hold him, because he would not make it passed a few moments becasue he was FAR too under develped.  He was much bigger than his brother , but still soooo tiny.  He was so sweet, and he held onto my finger tight the whole time, until he turned blue from not being able to breath on his own, and then died in my arms.  It was the worst feeling ever when they brought me my other baby, and told me that I needed to hold both and spent time with them, before they took them. They said it was healthly for me to do this, but I thought it was a cruel joke.  I was so ashamed, because I was actually scared of my own two babies.  I loved them so much, but I was scared of them.  Know every annver. of their b-day, I go into this major depression, because I feel so guilty that I couldn't just hug and kiss them, and just be there mommy for a few moments, instead I kept my head turned to the side not wanting to look at them.  How could I not look at my own children, they were not alive, but they were mine!
Its something I'll never get over, EVER!!!!

I don't feel your exact pain, but I can only say that I understand how hard that was for you, and your were SO lucky to have had a little bit of time with her like you did, and she was so lucky to have had you for that time also!

Rebecca

[DutchessGolden]

I think I know which post you are talking about and I mentioned to Chrosty and road2recovery in that post that I was not referring to them and they knew that. road2 and I talk every day and Chrosty and I have become friends and she is very dear to my heart. I know anytime they post it will be in support of me and I have said that to road2 before. I try so hard not to post anything at all about the nonsense when it happens but this week is different, very different. Trust me, I don't want to give anyone undeserved attention but it has been almost 3 years exactly since I lost my daughter. I wanted to post but just couldn't until a member Sabrina posted her story which gave me the courage to finally post about the loss of my daughter. I have a 3 year old and she was a twin, her twin died colvulsing and spitting up blood in my arms (liver failure) just a few months after she was born (they were born in January) That's when I started abusing my meds, and it has been the same every year since until this year. I grew up as an only child and I just personally have a need for more alone time than most. And during this time of year I go out to a condo we have here on the lake with no computer, no tv, just me and my meds chainsmoking on the lake practically with a straw in my tussionex bottle and bottle of liquid codeine, with some vicoprofen, and this has yet to happen this year and a big part of that is the people in this forum who have been friends to me. But to be attacked when I'm just starting to open up about things I didn't know I could- yeah, I'm more than frazzled, I'm pissed. I looked inmy daughters eyes and felt her heart stop beating against my chest and my husband is a doctor for God's SAKE!! That was when I was first put on xanax. My xanax dosage triples this time of year just for me to be able to function as a normal person. I also began to open up about something else very personal that I have worked on for years and years and in turn got attacked once again. When someone is that exposed about something they would never normally mention to anyone else and all you can get from it is that she's bragging- there is something very wrong within that person. I know they just want attention, I know they don't deserve the time of day from anyof us, I know some of them aren't even old enough to be here, and some are just so miserable they want to bring someone else down too. I'm not going to apologize for any of my responses, not this time around, today was very different than the other times. But I did want to let you know that I made sure to mention chrosty and road2 as that post not being directed toward them b/c like I said, they know that I know anytime their name pops up in one of those posts it is in support of me. ANd also, like I said there have been many many posts since yesterday, the start of the attacks on me (not differences in opinion) but latant attacks are now on page 2 maybe page 3 so we might not be referring to the same one.

I don't like to drink, I maybe have 2 or 3 drinks per year but now that you mention it I think I will have a half glass of wine with dinner tonight. Thanks becky!

xoxo- D.