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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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15271582 tn?1439517080

End Of The Road

It's been almost 7 years. 7 years fighting this addiction. It started when I was prescribed oxys for chronic back pain. I quickly developed an addiction and began running out of my script early and then running around buying them. The hell I have put myself through is beyond words. Went cold turkey off of high doses of oxys a couple times, but always went back. Tried NA but didn't like it. Then got onto methadone, still used on top of it although I did have periods of "clean" time where I just took methadone..not much though. Then stopped that and started suboxone..was clean awhile and even managed to taper off that and then relapsed. AGAIN.

My current status: Taking 8 mg of suboxone in the morning and then taking pills during the day, dilaudid, hydromorphone..whatever is available. I *HATE* what I have become. I know it's only a matter of time before this kills me. The worst part..I have kids who depend on me. On the outside of this nightmare I am a great mom. No one would ever even suspect that I am an addict. I keep my secret well hidden. But I am SICK OF IT!!! I have been on drugs since they were tiny. I used the pills for energy, for pain, for eventually just to feel normal..but it turned on me. Now I am not only taking sub every day but taking quite a few pills too. I am at my wits end and just want to be off of EVERYTHING!! No subs no pills just back to a time where I functioned without pills. Is there any hope for me? I feel so tired..so worn out and so hopeless. But somehow I need to finally beat this. I want to make something of my life. My past is one big tragedy. I have endured hellish times and my childhood was a nightmare. I think the opiates helped numb that pain along with the physical pain which is why it was so easy to become so addicted to them. Please help me. This has been going on for way too long. I have lost friends and family to this addiction and for my kids sakes i cannot let the pills kill me too. I have zip for support so I hope you guys can help me through this. I think I should start by just cutting out all the pills I take and just take suboxone for a few more weeks and then taper off the suboxone. Does that sound like a good plan? I know I will start having withdrawls the day I stop taking all the extra pills. My tolerance is so high that just taking 8 mg of sub will not be enough. but once I get the pills out of my system I should feel ok and then be able to start tapering the subs. I did it before. i tapered right off sub and was so proud of myself. I was clean just a short time though, maybe a couple months? And then relapsed..:( I've been on a run ever since. I need to get my life together again. I know this is bad for me..its bad enough I smoke like a chimney but the amount of junk in my system is deplorable. My kids deserve a mother not addicted to pills. I might not be nodding off and clearly impaired but the pills make me moody (moreso then usual, Im moody by nature anyways lol) and it's just not right. I want to be clear headed and FEEL again. I want to create a good future for me and my kids. My kids father and I haven't lived together for awhile now. I am doing it all alone. It's really hard sometimes. Please help me reclaim my life from this junk. I want to not feel ashamed and bad anymore..I want my life back!
20 Responses
15271582 tn?1439517080
sorry...i meant to break my post up into paragraphs after typing then forgot to. Makes it hard to read, I know. Is there any way to edit my post??
753324 tn?1457819192
Hi there, I can feel the hopelessness in your post and know the feeling all too well. Its a terrible way to live and I myself have been doing it for well over a decade.I don't have the answers for you as I'm still trying to figure out how to escape this hell myself. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone. This site is a wonderful place for advise and support. I wish you luck in your journey and just wanted to say never give up.
Avatar universal
Hey, Dreamer. I wish there was an easy way for all the newcomers to read all the OTHER newcomers posts: they are practically identical. You sound like every other using addict out there. Which is good news.

There was one sentence in your post that stood out to me: "I tried NA and didn't like it." Well, that's the core right there. When we are in the bottomless pit of our addiction, we HAVE to do all the things we don't want to do. We have to change everything. If you REALLY want to get clean, you have to have an open mind and you have to do contrary action. Which means: you have to do everything that you don't want to do. Living on pills is a life of doing whatever the eff you want whenever you want it. We addicts have zero tolerance for discomfort.

Yes, drop the hydros asap. All you willing to cut all your sources? Your dr, the street, etc. Can w/ a dr. for your sub taper if you can. And get off of it. Do not drag it out or this will keep going on and on.

Most importantly, none of us stay clean w/o a program. You drop the drugs and then what? You still have your messed up brain and that is the core of the problem. The drugs aren't the problem, our brains are the problem. This is a lifelong endeavor.

Get into NA or AA asap. Of course you won't like it at first: you are angry, frustrated and detoxing. You'll hate everything. But, I promise you that changes.

Don't know if you are high right now but if so, I hope you re read everything when you are not high and can absorb it all. Stick very close to this site, so many "winners" on here that will help you.
15271582 tn?1439517080
Thank you for replying to my post. I was hoping someone would reply. I know you are right about needing some kind of support system afterwards, my brain really is messed up (depression, anxiety and anger issues I've dealt with lifelong) and I know the root cause of my addiction is a dysfunctional brain probably caused by living a really tough life. But does it have to be NA? I just didn't feel comfortable there at all not to mention actually getting to meetings is tough because I have almost no support therefore no babysitter in order to go to regular meetings. I'm afraid to try a counselor for fear that as soon as I say I take too many pills AND I'm a mom they will report me. Can they do that? I am not making excuses (I know it reads like I am), I really am worried about that. What can I do to get aftercare where I won't have to worry about that?

I am determined to stop this. I hate that I am an addict. It's disgusting when I think of wasting all these years on a damn pill. I remember when I first started I felt great! No pain, no depression and no anxiety and tons of energy! I felt normal for the first time in my life which makes me think that maybe my brain never did produce enough endorphins on its own which is why I felt normal taking opiates..but there has to be a better way to produce endorphins without being a drug addict and killing myself. It turned on me the pills did, I feel sluggish, achy and lethargic without them. I feel like **** without them. I have no energy without them and until I take my first pills of the day I feel just not right.. I know if i could get off all this crap I could feel good again. I know how hard it was to get off though and I curse myself every day for throwing it away and relapsing. I tapered right down to crumbs and the wds werent even that bad.

I was doing ok then decided one day to just take a couple percs for the pain i was having..one;s too many and a thousands not enough..so true!! it led me right back into it.

Sorry for the long post..just have so much bottled up inside..so much shame, guilt and regret. So much longing for a better life..so badly I want to beat this, I cannot become another statistic. My kids..my beautiful kids need me to beat this. I have my house upside down right now. My house flooded and destroyed a ton of stuff in my basement so I have a lot of work over the next few days and no help. Once that is over and done with I am going to quit. I should have it all done by Monday so Monday is my quit day, no more pills Monday. I will feel horrible for a couple days as my body gets used to just being on sub with no extra pills but once i "level off" I can start to taper off the subs..I know what im in for it was a helluva thing tapering off those things but I DID IT AND CAN DO IT. I want to so badly. Please give me your thoughts regarding the aftercare..what options do I have aside from NA/AA,,I just know already that getting to meetings would be hard because i have no one to watch the kids on a regular basis and I know your supposed to go pretty much every day in the beginning..there has to be another way to get aftercare that I can do right? Thank you again for taking the time to reply.  

15271582 tn?1439517080
Thank you and yes, unfortunately we are far from alone. These things take down so many good people. They literally wreck and ruin lives, tear people down into nothing but I think if you get sick and tired of being sick and tired enough, then you can finally beat it. Maybe we can help eachother get off this crap huh? I sure could use some friends to help me and id like to help anyone i can too.
Avatar universal
Hey Girl  welcome to the forum  we are here to help...we do home detox's every day and people do put there lives back together it wont be ez breaking a 8yr habit  but it is DOABLE!!!!  the advise jifmoc gave you is spot on.....as for aftercare you can see a conslor  a substance abuse conslor a physiologist  the pastor of a local church  but here is the thing  I have tryed all of these things  and most kept me clean  but I never lost the desire to get high...  I thought I would have to live with it....N/A has been the magic bullet for me i realize you did not have a good experience your first time  I dont know if you ever got a sponcer and worked the steps  all I can tell you it may be more work then seeing a conslor once a week  but you get out of it what you put into it for me it works and for the first time in years I have lost the very desire to get high  now I work a progam  I go to 3 meetings a week every other week I go speak at a local rehab here in phoenix I have a sponcer and sponcee's  if all you where doing was working the meetings your missing out on over 1/2 the progam  I to was a relpaser but once I got honest with my self and started doing what others in the progam told me worked for them  the progam worked for me  now I know it is tuff with kids but the money you will be saving on pills can go for baby sittting  N/a is so much more then a 1 hour meeting  it is a life style change you will make new clean friends... here in phoenix we have dances every fri night  my wife and I go to  there are barba/Q's  camping and much much more  and hands down it is the only thing that worked to remove the very desire to use  something I thought was impossible  if it works for a old dope fiend like me it will work for anyone  I lived in active addiction for 35yrs  thats almost as long as you have been alive  there is no police no sevalence no child protective service it has a lot of perks going for it I would think long and hard about this progam  as addicts we are always looking for the softer ezer way....8ys in this disease has taken over your life what if you get busted buying pills on the street  it is a felony here in the states  what if you go into respiratory failure wile you sleep and dont wake up....this is a deadly disease and it can and will ruin your life and kill you   I would do what ever it takes to get and stay clean  for me it is a few meetings a week and a honest phone call to my sponcer once in a wile ...working with my sponcee's  ....you cant keep it unless  you give it away  one addict helping another is without parallel  as one addict can best understand another addict  enough said.....your here for help  we will give you what you came for  aftercare is a critical part of recovery and one shoe does not fit everyone  we will support you on what ever you decide all I can do is tell you what has worked for me  and losing the very desire to get high is what keeps me clean today   keep posting for support  so monday it is I look forward to helping you message me any time
...................................Gnarly.....................................
Avatar universal
check your e/mail it is 11.00pm pacific time if your trying to figure out the time difference
11318065 tn?1462984479
I read your post a few times...and it reminded me so much of me when I was at the end of my rope.  It sure does feel hopeless and I kept looking for an easy way out.... I discovered after 40 years of drug and alcohol use there was no easy way out.  It was until I was broken inside that I was ready to do the hard thing....my "bottom" wasnt losing my job or a place to live or my child...my bottom was inside of me.  Icould no longer live with that hopelessness and darkness and brokenness!!  I have tried many times over the years to get "clean"....but was never really willing to do what it took to stay that way...  When I was ready I flushed the pills and began on the journey that all of us have to take in order to get started!  Detox is not fun nor is it easy but it is sure worth the few weeks of symptoms once you come out on the other side!  
I was the same as you saying that NA/AA wouldnt work for me...I tired it once or twice every time I stopped using but poopooed it.  I have tried counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, herbalists,  inner child workshops, even psychics to try to get rid of the pain....none of those worked.... When I did hit the bottom, and knew the only other alternative was death because I couldnt stand the pain of life anymore, I crawled, humbly here and into NA.  In time I found that AA worked better for me even though my drug of choice is opiates but thats just me.  And just in my experience it has changed my life 100%.  I needed something life altering and thats what the 12 steps did for me!  I muddled through steps 1-3 knowing I was powerless and  knowing there was a God...but once   I got through step 4 and 5 my whole life began to change!  I found a peace and actually felt happiness which was a foreign emotion to me!!  
Like Gnarly said....doing the steps and then giving back to others is what keeps me clean and sober and happy!  Yes, some days life still stinks but it is WAY more than I could have ever dreamed for!
I do know that AA/NA dont work for everyone and we all find our own path but just wanted to share my experience.
I also wanted to comment on your question about a psychologist reporting you because of your use.  They are mandated reporters, where I work I am a mandated reporter.  BUT the last thing we want to do is report someone!  If your children arent being abused, physically, emotionally or have severe neglect the chance you will be reported is very slim!  
Please keep on posting and let us know how you are doing!  There is always someone around to help!!!
Avatar universal
I was all ready to reply when I read Gnarlys post and then Cricket just said absolutely everything I wanted to say but better. Hope you can let what they said in:)
Avatar universal
Hi Sweetie,

I am glad you are here with us! I don't have a lot of advise that the others didn't already say!

I will tell you this... I was clean for well over a year, on my own without a program. Although I re injured my back and got back on them, I too felt just LIKE YOU!!  When I decided I was in a life or death situation I made the decision to stop!!! Pain or no pain.... I life somewhat a high profile life, and my Husband has a very.. Well I will say executive High profile life. I thought.. " there's no way I can go to NA, what if someone sees me etc! Well, I quickly realized that A: addiction doesn't discriminate, we all come from different walks of life a B: I never thought I needed NA until I realized how bad I needed it! It was this forum that made me realize that!

With all that said, after reading your post, I can't agree with the above posters anymore!! I think NA and a therapist will be very beneficial for you. A therapist, one on one, will be able to help you with your childhood issues.. You shouldn't be ashamed of this at all!!! I beleive intelligent people seek professional help!! Then, NA will be able to help you work those 12 steps and learn to live everyday life!

We can help you get through the WD's, we will support you in anyway possible! But you have to be WILLING to do any and everything it takes to beat this.... Once and for all!! You CAN, all you have to do is be willing to work.. Work very hard... I say this a lot here... We are not telling you it's easy, what we are saying is that it's worth it!!

You can do this!!! Please keep posting
6063300 tn?1430430571
Welcome all the above is spot on! Listen to them they all helped me so much in my recovery!
One thing you said is standing out to me and that is "No one would ever even suspect that I am an addict. I keep my secret well hidden."This couldn't be farther from the truth! I thought the same thing for over 10 years and when I finally had enough and came clean with my family, husband, children. and my parents they all said they knew all along! On pills we are running around like a chicken with our heads cut off and people see this even though we do not!
You have some great advice given to you so take it and start your new life!
We are all here for you!
Avatar universal
I couldn't agree more what your post!!! We are not really is when on the pills!!
Those around us know more than we think.. Good for thought for sure!!
7163794 tn?1457366813
COMMUNITY LEADER
I just wanted to chime in even though you were given great advice up top!  There isn't one damn thing that I would say any differently.  I am a 43 year old mother of 4....I work as well.  I was involved in volunteer work, PTA, Booster Club for our local rec dept, volunteer of the year (one of) for my city, LOL!!!  All b/c I could run around like the energizer bunny thanks to pills and suboxone.  Even though I thought no one suspected.....I sat my family down when I decided to detox and they ALL told me they knew!  I was devastated!  

I know we're not supposed to give taper advice....and that's not what this is but I do believe that quitting the pills first is the right way to go.  Then staying on the subs for a few weeks ( AND I MEAN ONLY A FEW WEEKS!!!!)  I'm sure you know that subs come with their own serious set of problems.

I also wanted to touch on aftercare as well.  I am now a little over 19 months clean....I detoxed with the help of this forum and then immediatly did the 90 mtgs in 90 days....for me, N/A was a God send.  I was afraid of who I might see (some of our customers???) so I went to the next town over.  I will never regret my decision...was I happy when I first got there, NO, are everyone's intentions good and pure, NO, but if you stick around long enough you will find the people that are there for recovery.  Stick to them.....
13565897 tn?1430515982
Hey Hey, well you have found the cheapest rehab on the planet!! and its 90% in house and 10% NA/AA if that's your thing sounds like you have tried it before and was not a good fit well for me it never was but I gave it a few tries so lets not rule that out.. You stated that you hide your addition real good?? well that's what we think we think we are so smooth but really we are a walking talking mess and any addict can spot you a mile off , How was it you lost friends and Family ? you seem to be on a lot of stuff so your success will depend on dropping one thing at a time in my opinion so try and drop the half the pills in the next 5 days and by next Friday have all pills gone then work on the subs you are going to feel crappy come this time next week so set yourself up with vitamins and lots of fluids and MOST OF ALL cut your ties with RX's and your other supplies if you don't you will eventually fail and since this is not your first time you know what I'm talking about.  This is a Excellent spot for support just check out the posts from the past two months there are 10 members that went through hell and are here to say this site saved them so hop on board and lets get busy.. best wishes
15271582 tn?1439517080
Wow!! I came on here and am just blown away at how many people took the time to offer me advice and help. Monday I stop the pills and then after I feel stable on just subs alone I'm going to taper. Cricket wrote something that hit me pretty hard because it's so true in my case,

.my "bottom" wasnt losing my job or a place to live or my child...my bottom was inside of me. "

God, how true this is for me. I simply can't stand how I feel inside and how I feel about myself another day. Hopelessness and shame rule my thoughts. This addiction has ruined me. Chances are your right about my family suspecting that something isn't right with me. I just cannot bear to disappoint them..especially my dad. I wish I could write more now but have hands full with the kids. I will write more tonight, just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone
11318065 tn?1462984479
I also just wanted to share this..Because of my work schedule during the week it is really hard to get to meetings...I get up at 2am so I am in bed pretty early....  I found meetings online to help me tremendously!!!  They are an awesome supplement to the meetings I go to on the weekends and after a little bit I got to know a lot of the people there and in some ways its just as awesome as face to face meetings!  I started with the AA ones only because there were more of them throughout the day.  The only NA online I could find was at 10 pm and Im dead asleep by that time!  Here is the link to the AA meetings online that I go to... maybe that will help you in the times that you can't get to a face to face meeting!  They DEFINITELY are not a replacement to in person meetings but they helped me a lot!!!

http://aaonline.net/chatguests.php

Keep hanging in there!  
Avatar universal
Hey Girl are you still with us???  you sad Monday was your quit day is that still on??? anyway  I just wanted to let you know where here for you so keep reading the posts and post often for support...may God be with you.......................................Gnarly
15271582 tn?1439517080
hi mark,

I sent you a message, please read it.
Avatar universal
I've read thru your posts and you've been giving a lot of great support.  Have you stopped actively using?  Have you put together a plan of action?  
I remember when I stumbled here.  I was at my bottom also.  I didn't know what to do except I knew I couldn't live the way I was living.  Each day became a hell I awoke too.  Addiction is a bad bad thing to deal with.  It's a very out of control, angry, lonely activity with everything negative.  And when we realize how sick we've become we don't know where or how to start.

From the list of things your taking you kay want to look into rehab.  That way you get to check out of life together.  You get to focus just on yourself.
Everyone usually says they can't because of some sort of reason.  My job my family etc.  but when your really ready to clean up nothing will stop you.  

We will be here to support you.  Lots of people got clean thru this site.  Lots of us stayed clean.  All that has and will had a program that they followed.

How are you doing
Avatar universal
Hey Girl  today is day one for you time to post  post and post some more  where here for you  let us know what it going on  we can help
.............................Gnarly...........................
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