End of My Rope

[troubleinohio]

oh boy...i fear I am at the end of my marital rope here. As most of you already know things have not been going well here with the husband. and then he pulled that sh**t last night waking me up at 2:30 a.m. just so he could yell at me.. and now today he's been making the worst nasty comments non stop. You cannot even have a normal conversation with him. Every word that comes out of his mouth is some kind of a put down. And when i came home from the grocery store just a little bit ago, he had printed out some pictures of me and wrote his own captions on them and taped them up all over the place (one pic was of me frowning- a really bad picture of me- and he captioned it "shut up you piece of shitt ____ (his name).   Im like WTH hell is up with this??? where did this come from?? He's acting like a little kid having a tantrum about everything! I cant take it anymore! And yes he is depressed but he refuses to try antidepressants nor counseling. He just seems to be fine with being this way. Where am I supposed to draw the line at?? the line between "OK, I still love him, we've been together 16+ years and 2 beautiful small children, and I understand he had depression issues"  and  the "OK I CANT TAKE THIS MENTAL ABUSE ANYLONGER AND HE IS UNWILLING TO HELP HIMSELF GET OUT OF THIS RUT"    do you see what I am asking? I dont know what to do. He has threatened suicide in the past and mentioned it a few days ago too so thats why I dont pressue him too much to get off his butt and do something. But on the other hand, I cant stand it anymore, him moping around for weeks on end, wont leave the house, wont do anything, doesnt care about anything and yells at everyone, belittles me and just tons of mind games and all the **** that goes with that. Not sure what to do!!! I really dont want to uproot the kids and leave to my moms, they are very hypersensitive to being away from home for too long, plus my moms house is tiny and has no spare beds even... ughhhh anyone have any advice?  

[VicUser]

My wife and I were having serious trouble at one time and we went through a weekend program that helped us communicate better. I have a suggestion; please give it some serious thought. Write him a love letter. First tell him two or three things that you really like about him, things he does right, reasons that you want to stay with him, reasons you fell in love with him. Remind him the way things are when “all is good” and let him know that you are there for him. In a loving way let him know that you need his love and support too, remember not to ***** or be accusing this is a love letter. Close with how much you love him, I know you may not like him right now, but you said you do love him. You may not see things get back to “normal” right away, but I bet you will see a difference in him.

The pictures that you said he put up around the house may be the only way he knows to tell you what he hears from you. It may not be what you are really saying, but if he is depressed he may be seeing your displeasure of him not working as you saying he can’t do anything right.

With all that said, if he gets physically violent with you, even once, pack up the kids and leave at once. Don’t risk your life, your kids need you.

[dove3053]

Have you decided what to do.  Chills came over me when you said he but the pictures up and talking suicide.

Dove

[lostmarbles]

How are you today?

[Mangee]

It sounds like he is doing every thing he can to force you into a break up situation. If he can get you to leave him he gets all the marbles. His expression or excuse will be ,"She walked out on me," and he will use it against you. Your best bet is to charge him with verbal abuse and intent to cause you to appear to have a mental disorder. Go to the police, have him removed, go to a phsyciatrist and get a letter as to your state of health due to him. This is a situation you have to get out before he moves to the next level which is physical abuse. Most of all, don't dare him. Quietly go to the authorities and tell your story. Tell them you fear for the children due to his constant verbal abuse and you are afraid it may escalate. You have a right to a peaceful existence and there is only one way to get it and that is by getting rid of him.

[jim811]

Hi Ohio....your  post had me very concerned.  The blues is one thing but hostility, pictures, etc....way over the top.  The danger you may be in could be real....I agree with some of the other posters...take care of yourself & kids now...the other posters provided options above...

Peace,

Nick

[house1]

Seriously you guys need to get some counseling before something bad happens. What ever you have to do get some counseling.
You need and outside person to listen to both sides and help make peace.
You guys have hit a wall and I am afraid this wall is as high as the moon.
Trouble I have been here a couple of months now and have noticed your relationship is always going up and down. Its either high or low never kind of leveled off it is almost like a bi-polar relationship please don't be offended.

good luck

[jddancy]

I have read alot of good advice and I REALLY hope you get it.  You are not responsible for HIS actions (suicide).  PLEASE LEAVE HIM FOR YOUR KIDS!!!  I have seen this too many times and your kids will be a mirror to them or if you have daughters, they will find men like him and you don't want that!  I feel so blessed to not have had to deal with this and I know you can't think of being with anyone else at this time, but when you leave, you will be so amazed at what you put up with.  Your kids my be hyper sensitive to not being at home but in the long term it will be much better.  I don't know if you go to church but alot of good churches can help too.  It is good for your kids to be in a positive enviroment so try to minimize it for them.  Do they see this?  If so let them know it is not acceptable and that is why you chose to move out for awhile, daddy's sick.  Please keep us posted and stay strong.  Praying for strength for you and protection!!!!!

[toxictome]

Take care of yourself, trouble. My ex was mentaly and emotionally abusive, and after 10 yrs. i finally left his sorry *** after he threw me on the floor and got on top of me and was  spitting in my face..while my 2 and 7 yr. old boys were watching and crying...he wouldn't get help for his anger or depression and i said...I'm done...and I've never regretted it for a moment...i stayed for the kids..but what were they learning???..how to be dysfunctional and abusive!?!?

Children learn by observing....keep yourselves safe!!  hugs..

[flmagi]

This is such an awful situation. I'm not a doctor, so somebody correct me if I'm wrong.....  When someones depressed, don't they usually feel a sense of despair and sadness NOT anger and rage?  Isn't depression kind of an "I don't care, Whats the use" feeling?    Your husband seems to be having some extreme anger problems and very unpredictable, which I find very scary. Could this be something other than just depression?   Manic depression? That picture thing.....there's something sooo wrong there.
I'm very afraid for you.  I hope you remove yourself and your kids from this soon. Better yet remove him from you and kids. He sounds like he needs some serious help and now.  Please do something before something bad happens.
#1 priorty is you and your kids safety.
Take care...soon

[MikeWithFamily]

I've read your post. I don't know if you are willing to admit this or not, but you and the kids are in danger. If after reading this, you are saying to yourself: "no, we're not in danger, he wouldn't hurt us"....then you are in denial and being consistent in your reaction to his crys for help which is to do nothing other than try and fix the problem. You can't fix it. Regardless of what the trigger was to make him turn is attention to you; you should not fool yourself into thinking you have value in the home by being the one that resolves his depressive episodes. I want you to think about something....from what I ready, his depressive episodes usually involve himself; and now he has pulled you into it and not only used abusive language to describe how he feels about you, but ;used visuals to communicate it too. What you need to realize is once those words and visuals are not making the impact as they once were, who is to say that he will not get physical or start using weapons to get his point across; which you have to admit, he has no obvious point...hes rambling without a plot. If I were you, once he leaves for the evening to have fun or whatever with the guys, I'd grab my kids pack my stuff or at least as much as I could to last me a good solid week and go wherever I could. Once you are safe distance away, then you can start using resources to help him. Perhaps you can try and get the police to bring him into a center for evaluation. Maybe you can get a couple of his friends to force him into a center....you can try anything, but be a safe distance away from him.
Thats my opinion. I will pray for you Ohio.
MikeWithFamily

[localcelebrity]

I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.  No one deserves that sort of treatment.  I am concerned what kind of effect this has on your children.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Be strong!

[avisg]

I agree with nauty ....plz dont do it very well could send him over the edge .......

[NautyOne]

Please don't try to hide the guns or the amo.....you don't know if he has any stashed that you don't know about.  Don't stir the pot and possibly put yourself in any jeopardy.  I know you understand what i am saying.

Luv,
Nauty...............

[lostmarbles]

Mary has made a really good point.. try and hide the amo. Thinking of you x

[allaboutmary]

I don't know what to say.  This is so scary. He definatley needs help.  At least for this minute.... if you can't get the guns out of the house try and get rid of all the amo.  Like someone said above ...this could turn real ugly at any moment.  My thoughts are with you.   Hugs    Mary

[NautyOne]

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
1-800-787-3224 (TTY)    There are places you can go.  Please call, there is help out there for you if you want it.  God Bless you, and your children


Nauty..................

[lostmarbles]

It does really sound like a severe case of depression and he obviously does need help.. he needs to see someone and soon and it shouldn't be delayed I don't think. I have just read what you posted about the guns and him going out into the woods with it.. honestly, this is serious.. I know he's your husband and you 'know' him, but depression is such that anyone suffering from it severly, like your husband can just flick like a switch and then you won't know what he's capable of doing. When I was 13 my mum finally left my father who was slightly nuts and didn't do anything for himself.. he always threatened suicide and was always demoralizing my mum and putting her down. Long story short, mum left him and moved somewhere he didn't know.. A year later he was still depressed and I went to my house to pick up some stuff and my dad pointed a shotgun at me and I thought he was going to kill me.. he demanded to know where my mum had moved to but I didn't tell him and then he sat back down and started crying and I just ran out of the house and went back to my mums and told her. We called the police who went to see him and then he got help for depression finally. I'm 35 now and it was a long time ago but I remember it like yesterday.. your husband needs help, and you need to not be there as you can't predict the mood of someone with depression unless he gets help.. It's awful that you are going through this especially as you have come off your meds.. can you talk to the family doctor about this situation and see if there is any help out there for him? thinking of you and I will pray for you both tonight.

[GoingToMakeIt]

Sorry about the gender thing. Abuse is still abuse, mental or physical. sounds like with troubleinohio it's not physical either, yet. Things can turn and either way it is not a healthy environment.

[taekwondo_fighter]

i can relate....  you have no idea! ...  i love my kids...  i stick around cause of them..  
i'm in a situation now where i know i can have happiness somewhere else...  its a scary thing

[zemog417]

no physical abuse; just mental.  by the way i am male.

makes no difference.  its tiring and takes everything out of you to ignore and get on with things.  

[road2recovery]

wow...i am so sorry...This is terrible...Pictures, that is crazy.....i think it is time you move on..if he is not willing to get help, then u can't make him...but you also can't live with mental abuse....and that is not good for your kids..

i don't like the suicide thing either, but usualy when someone says they will do that, it is a cry for help, I know people who have done this, but never told anyone they were gong to do it...i am no counsouler....I also think maybe you should go get some cousouling for u...
you have come so far, and please try to stay focused on your recovery!!!
r2r

[GoingToMakeIt]

Are there any battered women shelters? Or at least call around and see what help is available to mom in trouble. Start calling. There is usually something out there.

[troubleinohio]

oh and btw, oddly enough all this stress has not made me want to take pills again. what a shock to me ! usually when major stresses like this happen, I would run for my bottle of pills! Im actually quite the opposite right now. I know I need to be STRONG and CLEAR HEADED to work this problem out and I know that taking pills sure wouldnt allow me to handle the situation!

[zemog417]

I am in the same boat as you.  people tell me to leave but i cant.  my advice to you is leave.  if you can arrange it and you have a roof to go to...do it.  take your kids and go.  my situation is such that i cannot leave with the kids because i have no place to go i.e financially.  i have lived with worst mental abuse for years now.  I have accepted it and try to make the best of it for the sake of my kids.  I look back now and wonder ....why didnt i leave when i could.

best of luck and please feel free to contact me anytime.