Epic Fail

[Junip]

Hi Friends,

Just wanted to reach out to update you all. Of course, I can only be honest here and so I will. I went into my vacation totally ready and set to succeed. On day two I found my husband's stash of Oxy...yes 60mg Oxy, and took one. We all know the drill..that led to two and three, etc. he was counting the Percocet and keeping them all wrapped up but he didn't dream I would touch Oxy again (nor did I) so now I am back to square one. Of course he doesn't understand why I feel so crummy since we got home (all meds back in safe) and I cannot bring myself to tell him. So on day 2, at work and feeling blech. More disappointed in how much I let myself down than anything else. I know you have to cut ties but my husband is legitimately prescribed these pills and he does lock them up. He didn't bring safe on vacation because it is big and heavy and he thought I was on road to recovery.  Ugh. Just hate this. I had an hour of sleep last night so that is some penance for my sins, I guess. I did enjoy my vacation and guess I just wanted to feel normal and not sick when i get away so infrequently with my family. In being honest with myself, there was nothing normal about my actions. So I will try again, feel good knowing I have zero access now and I hope you all can forgive my selfish indiscretion.

JJ

[Krissy_123]

Hey j.j!! How are ya doll? Been awhile! I gotta tell ya I don't think I could do what you're doing. I know it has to be hard! If I had oxys in my house 24/7 I know for a FACT I woulda slipped up too. I Remeber digging through my purse over and over, under the seats in the car, under the fridge and stove when I'd run out. So KNOWING my husband had them somewhere hiding in the house I'd tear it apart looking,or break the safe apart. So kudos to you sweetie!! You're doing a heck of a lot better than a lot of us would be. I know you have to live this way because hubby needs them,you need to make sure there is absolutly positively no way you can get at his pills. One day will come that it will be easier knowing they are there. But not right now,you're to early in your recovery. So he NEEDS to help you by locking them up like fort bloody Knox!! You got this love!! xoxo Krissy

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Same here, let us know how you are. We are here for you.

[Nomore2]

How are you doing tonight? Thinking of you.....

[dominosarah]

Turn the negative energy into positive energy.  Make a plan for a successful recovery and let nothing stand in your way.  Am glad to hear you came clean with your hubby.  Remember this is a "we" thing, not an "i" thing.  You deserve to live a clean happy life.

[kyle505]

Weaver makes great points - hopefully you've learned. That doesn't mean that you should ever, ever put yourself in that position again. The addict brain never stops talking - offering reasons why it's ok, just this once, to use. Vacation, party, funeral, rainy day, sunny day. If you can get meds the odds of relapse remain high. There are several things to do during recovery - the most important is to cut all sources.
K

[Tina6444]

How are you doing JJ?!

[bobbyvenegas]

Yea don't ever beat yourself up for this. We have all made mistakes and you just need to move forward after and take the experience from it with you. It may take 1 try or it may take more. The less tries the easier it will be on you but you won't fail.

[Nomore2]

It doesn't matter if you fall, but it matters if you don't get up again. You have gotten up again. You will make it. It's a rocky road, but I think you can do it because you really want to. I feel like Tina. I might have done the same thing in your situation. The temptation would be too strong at this point in my recovery. It is early days. Just keep trying. You'll make it.

[Tina6444]

Hi and I was going to go on a little break from posting but read this and had to respond. Girl… Just reading your post made me consider what I would have done and I cannot sit here and say I wouldn't have done the same thing. That is so difficult for you to have them so accessible!  Even now out as far as I am I am not truly sure what I would do if they were in front of me.  I admire your post because you had the courage to admit it. But honestly it is done and forward is the only direction to go.
I am sure the guilt is not making the process any easier for you but don't think of it as an epic fail…just a hiccup if you will.   I have been there before as many others and yes you have learned something new. Understand and empathize with your husband's anger but know that one day he will believe you again. It is going to take some work but perhaps his disappointment will serve as ammunition in this battle.
Addiction is a nasty, personality changing,  and manipulative monster. It changes us chemically, mentally, and physically but just remember your true self is there.  And it is GOOD!  You can do this and great job going to a meeting!

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

You can do this. If I can, I know you can. Be strong. Always love.

[VICourageous]

The Truth will set us free.
Do not pack your bags and go on a quilt trip.
Dust yourself off and keep moving on.
As we continue to grow in our recovery, we never stop picking up something new or learning more about our self and/or others.
You admitted what you did, now make sure you can make things different next time you go on that vacation.
YOU will be stronger over this..lol
Bless

[Junip]

Thank you so much, everyone. I came clean to my husband although by admission it was because he could not understand why I feel so awful today and asked me if I took anything over vacation and he suspected I did. I could have lied, I suppose, but I didn't. He was so angry, rightfully so, and said one thing he has learned is that he cannot believe a word I say. He has every right to feel that way. I also tried to explain that even though I swore to him and myself that I would never take another red pill, I was completely powerless when it was in front of me. I hate being this way and want nothing more than to be NORMAL but he thinks I just enjoy this life. Anyway, I do feel glad that he knows and I will just push forward now. Amazing how a few days back to your DOC can undo so much forward progress. I will take it one minute at a time.

[Basslady]

Hi, I am new to this forum, not new to the issues. I just want to say that I hope you can forgive yourself, as God forgives us when we mess up, and take one day at a time, starting now. Going to a meeting right away is a great way. And you have learned an important lesson, as I think someone already said...how strong the addiction is and how powerless we are.
Best wishes to you and I pray you get back on track and learn from the relapse, and leave it behind you.

[charlie_coldturkey_tn2015]

Good to hear from you. Don't look behind you. Look only one day at a time. I have been tempted and stressed many times in the last 2 weeks. The posts here really helped and going to 11 NA and AA meetings really helped.  First thing I learned in the reading was as long as I think I can control my usage, I am absolutely compelled by my disease to continue using no matter what. Only when I totally agree that I no longer have and NEVER will have control over addiction, can I truly start recovery. W/d still *****, but the physical part of it ( although bad at times ) has yet to kill anyone. It also is over in less than two weeks. The mental part starts then an that is where the real work is. I am just now learning about this disease and have a long way to go, but as long as I keep reaching out for help, I know I have a chance to recover. You also have that chance. Just posting and being honest with us and yourself means a lot and I know you can do this. Stay strong and stay with us. Always love.

[jlannspr]

Through my four or so relapses, I've learned something every single time. This last  one I've learned that as soon as I get an emotion happy, sad, worried, anxious, whatever to not run to a pill. I have to live through that emotion sober.

For you, you learned that you cannot have access to them at all. Weaver71 had a great suggestions. Just say you were tempted and you want to make sure any access is stopped.

You are on the right path. Counting days and counting hours is okay for us, but sometimes you just have to live in the moment.

Best of Luck, don't beat yourself up.

[Junip]

Thank you, Ike, very encouraging. Picking up and starting AGAIN.

[Junip]

Thank you both so much. And yes, I definitely did learn. I know how incredibly powerful my addiction is and I need to always be on guard. And i need to get my tail to a meeting TONIGHT! I cannot wait to get home, going to try to walk a mile. Weaver, your words "progress over perfection" truly hit home for me. I have been a perfectionist my entire life and that's one of my biggest problems. Need to stop putting so much pressure on myself and just heal. One day at a time..

[refills]

Ah JJ, whatever you do, don't beat yourself up. We scratch, claw and try everything we can to "be normal" in this life, What is normal? We live and and learn. I wonder about falling down in our search for happiness. We can find a few hours of false relief. Sustained happiness is a place where all is good they tell me. We are a fallible people. Putting rubber bumpers around us will not always protect us from of the inevitable fender benders. Stay away from the crashes! Bless and Best Wishes JJ.........ike

[weaver71]

You are not at square one, you gonna tell me you didn't learn anything from your clean time? I don't buy it, sounds like all or nothing thinking to me. No, it doesn't instill pride, it is a big deal, but nothing to dwell on. Just for today, so the right thing.  You still have that knowledge, and a new lesson to add, you are here, you are progressing. Maybe not perfectly, so remember, progress over perfection. Even if you don't tell your husband what happened, tell him you were tempted and to be more careful with his stash, no matter how strong you may appear to him. Accountability is oh so important. Hang in there, live and learn, from this minute forward.

[Danny111]

I'm sorry you're back to wd's again.  It's really good that you came on here and feel like you can be honest about it.  When we're sick it's crazy what kind of behaviors we'll rationalize.