Everyone.........

[liscamdave]

Hey guys. I am so sorry that I was such a wreck yesterday. I am not too much better today but I am trying to figure out a way to get through this. I am not is a good place and the once strong facade I carried is lost. I have relapsed after almost 80 days and I am so very ashamed, dissappointed and mad at myself. I am now finding that I don't have the motivation to quit that I once even twice, possessed. I just want to get through this and I can't. I keep going back and can't figure out why. Yesterday, the first day with nothing, in over two weeks, sent me down a path of self-destruction. I have never felt the w/d depression like I did yesterday. And if it weren't for my friends on here I would have not made it though the day. I wanted to die yesterday. I will be honest and say that I did run and get percs, not oxy's. And I took them and instantly felt better and worse all at once. I know this is a vicious cycle that I will never overcome unless I figure out a way. And I know that all I did was prolong the w/d process. And I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel, but I always say, you have to want to quit, truly WANT it, or it will never work. And I find that I lost that motivation. I don't want it like I wanted it before. Now, two weeks before xmas, and I am still not even close to done my shopping, and I am trying to figure out ways to get high until after xmas. I am merely being honest and am not really looking to be lashed out at, because I am severly depressed as it is. I am just trying to portray to you all where my thought process lies today, as well as yesterday. I am praying for another miracle that I find my way again. But to all my friends, the outpoor of your help made me cry and still has me crying. This forum is highly underestimated by many. I have made solid, true, understanding and loyal friends here. People that are here for me no matter what. You all know who you are. I love you and thank you. Please, please keep me in your prayers as I do with all of you....

xo, Lisa

[MICHAEL_777]

Lisa darlin',
    I feel like a t urd in a punch bowl right now.  I haven't been able to check the forum much lately and had no idea you've been going through this hell.  Bless your heart.  I know things seem out of control right now, but you will be stronger for it.  I have yet to meet an addict who didn't relapse at least once.  I consider switching docs a relapse, so I've done it multiple times myself.  What's important is that we realize the problem at hand and keep it under control.  Right now the pills are serving as a crutch to help you through a rough spot.  Don't beat yourself up about it and don't let it destroy you.  Moderate your intake and prove to yourself that you do have control.  When you're ready to put it behind you we'll be right here with open arms.  I wish I were there to scoop you up in my arms and carry you through this, but for now depend on yourself just as you have many times before.  You've overcome so much darlin'.  You can and will beat this too.  Recovery isn't a race with a finish line that we can reach and say we won.  It's a way of life that us addicts win or lose each an every day.  Today I'm clean, but who knows about tomorrow, or even the next minute.  A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.  I'll love you each step of the way, winning or losing!  Hang in there and chin up soldier.  Love you!
                                     MICHAEL

[cathy5841]

don't give up, i think sometimes with so many days clan we think we can handle "just a little", but we can't.  you found that out this time so next time remember it.  you are still an inspiration wow 80 days!!!  get back up girl, its the drug drainin your motivation, shake it off and keep movin forward.  i have 29 days today, but by the grace of God i will make 30.  Lisa I am really prayin for you today, i know the feeling of self loathing because you "screwed up again" but you gotta keep tryin for 81 days next time.
Love and Prayers,
Cathy

[BlotOutTheSun]

dont be so hard on yourself you did make it 80 days thats alot more than most the ppl in here can say, and i dont think your prolonging a withdrawal hell i figured past 2 weeks withdrawals are over just try to remember what made you want to quit in the first place, if you can stop taking them now then there shouldnt be bad withdrawals, i think they longer time frame you keep using heavy doses is what makes withdrawals so difficult, dont give up on quitting just because you hit a bump in the road, when i first came here i tried to quit cold turkey and on day 2 i was feeling so bad i decided to taper well lets just say when i have pills in my possession i abuse them there was no tapering just running out and worrying bout getting more, remember its only a drug dont let it control you

GOOD LUCK
YOULL BE FINE
RISE ABOVE IT
YOU KNOW YOUR BETTER THAN THIS
WE ALL KNOW ITS HARD AND WE ARE HERE FOR YA
80 DAYS IS F***ING AWESOME
YOU CAN DO IT AGAIN
DONT GIVE IN
DONT GIVE UP

[avisg]

check your PM :)

[kimmiek]

Hi, I dont know you but Ive been lurkering and posting a little for a few months.  I am praying for you.  I feel for you.  PLEASE dont beat yourself up.  Every step, every stage of recovery and abuse and relapse is all part of the big picture of our lives.  You can use this time in your learning.  Maybe having gone thru this, when  you get to the other side of it (not using) you will have gained a better understanding of relapse.  I think that all things happen for a reason. Im sure that you will gain much more compassion for others that fall.  We all need to be here for each other and there is not a better lesson in that than when we ourselves fall.  You are not a bad person for using, you are not a bad person for wanting to get thru the holidays using either.  I wouldnt want to go thru wd during Christmas either.  No one would!!  Please try to gain some focus and work out a plan for yourself to get back on the wagon.  Maybe taper thru the Holiday weeks to bring your tolerance back down, then go ct after?  I dont know, do whats best for you and what will work for you. Then, take the tools you learned and move forward ONE DAY AT A TIME.  You have the knowledge and I know its hard to see now but this experience will give  you MORE knowledge, more compassion and more understanding about addiction and recovery.  Look at your  life as a tapestry slowly being weaved, this is gonna be part of the beautiful person that God made you to be. Stay strong and I am definately praying for you!!  God Bless you today!!  

[Yoda99]

Dear, please take care of yourself.  And just remember that I am here if you need me.  You can always pm me, and I think you also have my email address.  Do you have the new one?  I will send it to you in a pm.
Hang in there.
You are in my thoughts and prayers,
Love,
Yodes

[troubleinohio]

oh honey I didnt even know you had relapsed, didnt see your post until just now when i read your first sentence here, i went back and looked for your post you made yesterday that I missed. I am so sorry you are going through this. The holidays are HARD for most people and particularly so for people who have recently lost loved ones, and I know you lost your husband to an overdose in the past year or so. This is probably one of the hardest times of your life right now, still deeply grieving for and missing your husband. I am crying tears for your here right now just as I sit here and type this. I know you are in incredible pain right now. I cannot say I can fully understand your pain because I have not had a loss of that magnitude in my life, but I can imagine how much hell it must be for you. I have suffered from severe depression off and on most of my life, and one of the worst times was just recently around Sept/Oct when i went through WD again. I was nearly suicidal with depression. So i do understand that scope of it. Please know we are here for you, and please hang in there, you can get through this. It may feel unobtainable to you right now but it is possible. Please do not give up hope. It is darkest before dawn, you know that old saying and it may seem cliche, but it is true nonetheless. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, baby steps, towards your future. YOu can get clean again and stay clean, and with time, not feel like death. Please keep making yourself move toward the future. We are here for you when you have fallen and help pick you back up.
xo xo xo xo