Failure

[patriot07]

I was doing really well, and now I am disheartened because it seems like I prefer being high to facing my own self loathing, lonelyness, and holiday blues.  I kicked a habit of 11 to 12 tablets 7.5/325 july 8 and stayed clean until October 12th.  Now I am back on the pills, but they are hard to get because I made sure that all of my Doctors knew what was up.  The tablets I get now are normally 5/500 or lately 7.5/650 or 7.5/500  I am now trying to draw down again as  I got as high a 10 tablets 7.5 (one time)  now i am down to 7-8.  My concern is that I have been taking 4,500mg of Acetiminoophen for two days straight (prior to this I had lower dose acetiminophen tabs.  Will my liver be able to take this or just how much over the max dose of 4000 do you have to take and for how long before damge is done? What are the common signs? At present feeling fine, but wicked anxious about going over 4000mg.  Some reassurance to calm me down if possible but if hard truth is really the only truth don't sugar coat it.  I am disappointed but also on the verge of just saying screw it.  Tired of the lonelyness, tired of living with a life time of abuse  (oh poor me  I know I should be ashamed of myself)  However not so tired that I want to die, at least not consciously.  So I am at 8 tablets and can get by on as little as 5 but if I do not carefully control it 5 becomes 6 and 6 becomes 7....  I got tramadol 50mg todays and thought I would  try 5 tablets of hydro 7.5 and 3 tablets 50 tramadol to see if this will help me slowly decrease hydro/acetiminophen and increase tramadol.  Then reduce tramadol because i heard it is easier to shake.  I don't know,... it seems until I somehow find peace for the episodes of my past going all the way back to when I was 8  i will always be tempted to lean on some illicit vice, but darn I am 46 yeras old when am I going to let go of the past????.  For now I am sad, disappointed and scared about acetiminophen level .   If I mix Tramadols 50 mg and hydro 7.5 what is the max of each together in a day.  I feel pathetic writing because I am a firm believer in God and he has done so much for me, but I guess I am a hypocrite or something wrong with my walk with God because if All was clicking right I would only need and rely on God for everything and not go failing by taking things of pill form.  Thank You

[ImDONENoMore]

Oh and I meant to include that as far as the acetimonephen levels in your liver are concerned, I think it's best that you get your levels checked by a Dr.  That is the only way you will know for sure and it will help you to put your mind at ease.  Good luck to you you can do it!

[ImDONENoMore]

The first thing you have to do is forgive yourself.  The only way to move forward is to get rid of the guilt.  We have all made mistakes from our addiction and it's so important that you believe you are worthy of a good life.  I know that doesn't happen overnight, but it can happen if you work at it.  It really can.  Don't ever forget that you are worth it!!!

[patriot07]

Thanks for the comforting words, it is good to know that addicts and recovering addicts are so compassionate.  You hit the nail on the head with a big problem regarding my time clean, I DID NOT REPLACE THE TIME OF GETTING HIGH with anything like running, walking, or going to the gym.   I have renewed my gym memebership recently and when I make the move off this stuff, I will make sure I  incorporate physical activity into the recovery plan.  Great Great Great news that you have made two weeks, I will say a prayer for your continued success now. YOU ARE DOING IT:) :)   YOU CAN DO IT :}

Patriot07

[Pjtwenty]

"let he who is without sin cast the first stone"
I cannot imagine anybody on here thinking anything bad about you for relapsing.  as I have said before if I had a dollar for everytime I read on here  "well I messed up again" or " I can't believe I did this or that"
I think this is a part of the journey to getting clean.  We realize this is a bad path and start to try and change, but as we all know change doesn't happen overnight.  
That is awesome on your clean time before.  
I think you should take the focus out of the liver concerns and just realize you cannot keep that up or you will suffer.  You have become concerned with getting high over your own health, another reason we cannot continue this path.
Did you ever get involved with anything else during your clean time?  work out routine?
I am struggling myself right now.  On 2 weeks clean but last week had a brief, one pill, relapse.  
God bless.

[rt35630]

PLEASE stay away from tramadol. I was on a high Hydro intake for 6-7 months and just quit. I had a week of wd's that were not fun, but I got through it. I picked up tramadol AFTER being clean for a couple of months and it makes Hydro look like a cakewalk (in my opinion; we all know everybody is built differently). I am having to really fight this tramadol. It doesn't even get me high. I am on a horrid slow taper. I finally started going to NA because I need help to even keep on my program. I wish I had gone to NA after the Hydros. I saw that I really did have a problem after that, but thought I would be okay. Anyway, I know that doesn't answer your question, but you really don't want to be fighting both Hydro AND tramadol!

[laurel453]

Hi, patriot, have just seen your note, to make it easier, i will leave the link here for you ( oops, just realised that you have found the thread, ok :) . But as Vicki said, liver damage is something you are doing and we are not aware of the damage done, a blood test is the best way to check it , the good thing is that the liver is a organ that regenerates quite well :)

as for the plan after quitting, this is really important, it can be a struggle or somewhat easier for us. By attending any kind of aftercare, you would be making things easier for you so good thing that you are planning on ging to NA meetings, makings some healthy changes like healthy food and exercise are also good things :) good luck and keep us posted with whatever you may need to know and if we can help you :)

[vicki595]

Hey~  It's nearly impossible to say what your limit of Tylenol is.  You know the parameters.  A lot of it depends on heredity. The thing is,liver damage is awful! The problem being that we don't know how sick we are until we're in the later stages of liver disease.  You need to get your intake down. I don't think Tramadol is the way to do it,though. That comes with it's own set of problems.  

To put your mind at ease you should see a doctor and get some blood work done to check your liver enzymes.

[patriot07]

I quit but I did it by myself, no attending meetings no creation of a program.  In retrospect I defeated the enemy but then surrounded myself with a plywood wall instead of using the hard stone of a program.  I have a local NA program that meets next monday in my area.  I will go and listen  Thanks to All who took the time and please if anyone knows... How much over 4000mg and for how long you have to overdue  this acetiminophen please provide info.  Thanks to all again

[laurel453]

please, read Nicole's thread... she talks there about her experience with OD acetaminophen

[laurel453]

hey, it is not the number :) ... nobody is tired of you, you need rebuilding your self steem again. This is what relapses make to our spirit, but we can overcome anything only if we want it !!!

[laurel453]

addiction is sneaky.... but keep on your heart that by quitting you are saving your life, you are much worth it that a life on active addiction... start again, you did it before, you can do it now. Were you attending any kind of aftercare, were you being proactive on your recovery ? were you alone on your fight ?  make things better and easier for yourself than last time :) recover your fighting spirit, patriot... don't just surrender to those pills , please !!!! :)

[patriot07]

Thank-you, I am really bummed you were the only one to respond to my post.  maybe even the people on this board are tired or me.   I appreciate your post, you bring up what is so apparent that I know that this is an impossible situation to sustain.  getting pills is a time consuming, depressing, activity.  I feel like I lose a little of myself everytime I exaggerate my back pain to get hydro, or go to another doctor to get hydro so as not to ask the same doctor for this med to many times.  I hope somebody can help me with the Acetiminophen level and liver damage, but it sure was great that somebody gave a shout out to me.  God bless You. If you have any contacts on this site that might be able to help with my question would you please forward my post to them.

Thanks

[witsend0603]

I completely understand where you are coming from.. I too am a professed Chrisitan and feel I should only rely on God for my happiness but I like you have been caught up in the Hydro web of deceit and despair.. I am having a hard time now with knowing if I want to quit or just keep going down a path I know isn't right.. I know.. not exactly rational thinking... I have had some clean time in my three year love affair with these pills but am now finding myself in the relapse boat again and just waiting it out til that next script rolls in... it's an endless cycle that I seem to have been on and don't know how to stop it or if I want to or not.. it's miserable.. sorry I don't really have alot of info on your question.. just felt the need to respond