Aa
Family pain
Dear MisTake,
What about your family relations? Where do they stand at the present and are they supportive of what your are doing to get your life back in order? I mean your "whole" family, which encludes your husbands family as well as your Mom and Dad. Have they been supportive and what is their future involvement with you, their son and their granddaughters? You know whatever you are going through, they are suffering too! Please be aware of that and all the people, encluding those that have tried to support you financially when they were not fully aware of the complete problem due to full disclosure of what was going on in your lives. Those were the people that have been there for you in support physically as well as financially. I hope you consider that aspect as you recover from your addiction and know that their love and support have been a vehicle that has gotten you to where you are now in your recovery. I say, "vehicle" because the ultimate decision has been up to you to stop your destructive pattern and get help. Please keep those that love you and your children in your mind and don't neglect what they have done to help you on the road to recovery. Much Love,Addicts Mom
What about your family relations? Where do they stand at the present and are they supportive of what your are doing to get your life back in order? I mean your "whole" family, which encludes your husbands family as well as your Mom and Dad. Have they been supportive and what is their future involvement with you, their son and their granddaughters? You know whatever you are going through, they are suffering too! Please be aware of that and all the people, encluding those that have tried to support you financially when they were not fully aware of the complete problem due to full disclosure of what was going on in your lives. Those were the people that have been there for you in support physically as well as financially. I hope you consider that aspect as you recover from your addiction and know that their love and support have been a vehicle that has gotten you to where you are now in your recovery. I say, "vehicle" because the ultimate decision has been up to you to stop your destructive pattern and get help. Please keep those that love you and your children in your mind and don't neglect what they have done to help you on the road to recovery. Much Love,Addicts Mom
I just read you were going on Subutex. I'm not sure what that is, but I wish you the best. Is it something like methadone?
Thank you for your input in the posting I did on the 26th or 27th.? Anyway, it was very insightful and helpful for me to read. You seem to be very wise on this topic and I appreciate what you had to say.
It is very difficult for me as I have a son (not anyone I have addressed on this forum) that is on methadone. He is 26 years old and is now suffering from alcohol abuse as well as merijuana. I know these choices are not ones that he would choose for himself and it hurts to see him going through such a self destructive pattern. I realize there is nothing I can do except love him and support him without enabling him. That is a very very difficult thing for a parent to do. You blame yourself, your genes, the way you brought them up, etc. I have "attempted" to move beyond that, but it is still the very most hurtful thing a parent can go through. Again, I know this is not his choice and I don't condemn him for it. I just wish I could love him back into the fold of his family and know in my heart he will outlive me. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but there is a real chance, at the rate he is going, he won't be around that many years. Of course, there is always hope within me, that the Lord will make a dramatic change in his life and he will truly make a total recovery and go into the ministry. He has such potential, and could be used in such a dynamic way.
I won't bore you with anymore of my beliefs, I just really wanted to thank you for your reply. You helped me gain a perspective on the many things that are troubling me at this time. God bless you! Kelley
It is very difficult for me as I have a son (not anyone I have addressed on this forum) that is on methadone. He is 26 years old and is now suffering from alcohol abuse as well as merijuana. I know these choices are not ones that he would choose for himself and it hurts to see him going through such a self destructive pattern. I realize there is nothing I can do except love him and support him without enabling him. That is a very very difficult thing for a parent to do. You blame yourself, your genes, the way you brought them up, etc. I have "attempted" to move beyond that, but it is still the very most hurtful thing a parent can go through. Again, I know this is not his choice and I don't condemn him for it. I just wish I could love him back into the fold of his family and know in my heart he will outlive me. I don't mean to sound melodramatic, but there is a real chance, at the rate he is going, he won't be around that many years. Of course, there is always hope within me, that the Lord will make a dramatic change in his life and he will truly make a total recovery and go into the ministry. He has such potential, and could be used in such a dynamic way.
I won't bore you with anymore of my beliefs, I just really wanted to thank you for your reply. You helped me gain a perspective on the many things that are troubling me at this time. God bless you! Kelley
It goes both ways............addicts hurt people and make family members victims........
Victims get robbed, lied to, betrayed, and loose any sense of trust towards the addict.....
Emotions run high on both sides addicts to be successful in recovery need patience and understanding with support from their families.......
Victims have scars and some of those scars still hurt and it is only natural that anger will also be present.......
One thing about a recovering addict is they have to get some thick skin...while they were in there addiction they sure the hell didn't care how and when they hurt there victims.......
There has to be some space for both the addict and their victims to heal.....
An addict while in recovery has to be honest it is the most important thing for recovery......There emotions start to come back and they start to feel and remember the hurt they caused.....
Step eight is step eight because there are seven steps before it....and it is for good reason....
Victims need to see consistancy in recovery and constant improvement and if they don't see it will be fast on the trigger to keep them on track.....
addicts need Victims to be supportive and forgiving without it recovery is very difficult to maintain.........
Time heals wounds, ,the addict will want time to be short in the forgiveness and compassion part but Victims are not always willing to forget and forgive so fast......
The addict needs to focus on recovery and let the other stuff heal in its own time.......
The victim needs to understand that without support recovery and relaspe are in jeopardy and the addict can fall on there face easy with out a substantial ammount of clean time.......
It took almost a year to get into the good graces of my family and now today I have 19 months and still a couple of family members still are reluctant to forgive or forget but all I can do is work hard in my recovery and hope that in time all my family will support me and allow me to be part of the family again...
I have a brother who thinks that addiction is a choice......to use is a choice.......to stop using is simply a choice........he thinks It was my decision to use and turn my back on my family when I was in full blown addiction....in his opinion I knew what I was doing and thus should of just stopped and did the right thing.......
It is tough on both sides and it takes courage and hard work by the addict and the addict can only hope that by their consistancy in recovery and their actions to stay clean and living the right way will recover the trust back from family members.......
Victims get robbed, lied to, betrayed, and loose any sense of trust towards the addict.....
Emotions run high on both sides addicts to be successful in recovery need patience and understanding with support from their families.......
Victims have scars and some of those scars still hurt and it is only natural that anger will also be present.......
One thing about a recovering addict is they have to get some thick skin...while they were in there addiction they sure the hell didn't care how and when they hurt there victims.......
There has to be some space for both the addict and their victims to heal.....
An addict while in recovery has to be honest it is the most important thing for recovery......There emotions start to come back and they start to feel and remember the hurt they caused.....
Step eight is step eight because there are seven steps before it....and it is for good reason....
Victims need to see consistancy in recovery and constant improvement and if they don't see it will be fast on the trigger to keep them on track.....
addicts need Victims to be supportive and forgiving without it recovery is very difficult to maintain.........
Time heals wounds, ,the addict will want time to be short in the forgiveness and compassion part but Victims are not always willing to forget and forgive so fast......
The addict needs to focus on recovery and let the other stuff heal in its own time.......
The victim needs to understand that without support recovery and relaspe are in jeopardy and the addict can fall on there face easy with out a substantial ammount of clean time.......
It took almost a year to get into the good graces of my family and now today I have 19 months and still a couple of family members still are reluctant to forgive or forget but all I can do is work hard in my recovery and hope that in time all my family will support me and allow me to be part of the family again...
I have a brother who thinks that addiction is a choice......to use is a choice.......to stop using is simply a choice........he thinks It was my decision to use and turn my back on my family when I was in full blown addiction....in his opinion I knew what I was doing and thus should of just stopped and did the right thing.......
It is tough on both sides and it takes courage and hard work by the addict and the addict can only hope that by their consistancy in recovery and their actions to stay clean and living the right way will recover the trust back from family members.......
........and step nine reads "we made direct amends where necessary except when to do so would hurt ourselves or others..............
I understand how much you have suffered with this. I can't empathize because I played the "addict" role and my mom suffered through it. Trust me, for years every time Ithought of what I put her through I could not FATHOM living without drugs to numb the pain/guilt/self-loathing that compouded my brain.
When I got into recovery I immediately began working the steps. It took about a year before I got to the 9th step. If anyone would have pushed me to go any faster than my creator had me going it would have hurt my recovery, not helped it.
The amends you are getting right now are that your family member may not have to die from addiction............................isn't that, when you really think about it..........way more important than anything she could have possible done to you or the family?
Please attend naranon meetings to learn how you can support your beloved in her recovery.
Respectfully,
tzt
I understand how much you have suffered with this. I can't empathize because I played the "addict" role and my mom suffered through it. Trust me, for years every time Ithought of what I put her through I could not FATHOM living without drugs to numb the pain/guilt/self-loathing that compouded my brain.
When I got into recovery I immediately began working the steps. It took about a year before I got to the 9th step. If anyone would have pushed me to go any faster than my creator had me going it would have hurt my recovery, not helped it.
The amends you are getting right now are that your family member may not have to die from addiction............................isn't that, when you really think about it..........way more important than anything she could have possible done to you or the family?
Please attend naranon meetings to learn how you can support your beloved in her recovery.
Respectfully,
tzt
I am very sorry, Addict's mom, as I am not going to be able to address your questions here. Honestly, I think it would be best if in the future you address these questions to my husband. This is a public forum and annonimity is very important to those who come here for support, myself included. Im upset that this has been disrupted b/c of your choice of settings.
I would like nothing more than to go through one and answer giving another side to each issue, but since this is not the place to do such, maybe that can be accomplished at another time. Im sorry that you felt the need to do it here. I do have email and a phone.
For those who responded...my friends....thank you because we all seem to perfectly agree on what recovery is all about.....and MY FAMILY IS SO THERE!! :0) I hope each of you has a good night and I will talk to you all soon.
Sincerely, tracy
I would like nothing more than to go through one and answer giving another side to each issue, but since this is not the place to do such, maybe that can be accomplished at another time. Im sorry that you felt the need to do it here. I do have email and a phone.
For those who responded...my friends....thank you because we all seem to perfectly agree on what recovery is all about.....and MY FAMILY IS SO THERE!! :0) I hope each of you has a good night and I will talk to you all soon.
Sincerely, tracy
It displeases me that you would just call a person out on an open forum like this. Since she is a family member I would think you would want to protect her feelings and her reputation from all this airing of family matters. I happen to know the person that you are speaking of quite well and know that she is working each day, one day at a time to make her recovery a lasting, sober, lifetime experience. I also know that we all have to do things in our own time. If you had gone through this once with your son than you should know that it isn't until step 8 which reads: We are to make a list of the people we have harmed, and are willing to make ammends. Now I know many ppl that don't even get to step 8 in there first year so I think that you are just putting pressure on a person where it doesn't belong. One thing that you can learn is you have no control over someone else's time line. But that's not what this is about is it? You felt hut by T so you had to hurt her right back by posting all this negative nonsense. Why dont you worry about your own problems and let her worry about hers. I can just about guarantee that after this stunt she will never be calling you. You have crossed a line that should have never been crossed. You might have well have posted this in the NY times, that s how important this forum is. Posting this show that your true intent was that you just wanted to cause destruction. Well all you did was give her soooooo much more support. This was uncalled for and she did not deserve this. She is doing everything in her power to staw sober and you are trying to bring her down. Well Please stop, cause I won't stand here and let one of the best people on this forum be hurt because someone doesn't think she is moving fast enough in her recovery. And that's all I have to say.
I'm so sorry that this all had to play out like this for you. You have been a wonderful friend and a great support to me. I hope we get to talk real soon. Keep strong my dear friend. And always know that I'm thinking about you and you and your family are in my prayers.
Love, L
Love, L
amen sister...
i cannot imagine how you feel right now. talk about an invasion of privacy !!!
so sorry you are having to go through this. you are a wonderful person tracy...and have come so far...and i, for one, am so damned proud of you girlie. just hold your head up tracy...stay on track...and you will get there. you and hubby are doing things...together...to make this happen. that is all that matters at this time in your life. together you can do this.
love ya sweetie...
kim
i cannot imagine how you feel right now. talk about an invasion of privacy !!!
so sorry you are having to go through this. you are a wonderful person tracy...and have come so far...and i, for one, am so damned proud of you girlie. just hold your head up tracy...stay on track...and you will get there. you and hubby are doing things...together...to make this happen. that is all that matters at this time in your life. together you can do this.
love ya sweetie...
kim
You're right. I don't know the details but I know my experience. I can tell you this. I was a drunk and a coke addict at a VERY young age. I am an only child. My paretns bent over backwards to help me and they lived in denial and constant fear that I would either wind up dead or kill someone else. My father himself was a recovered alcoholic, sober 15 years and he STILL didn't want to face the truth about me.
WHen it was time for me to make amends (and it was well after being sober for over a year and when I was ready) for all the lies, deceipt, money stolen, money spent, heartache and general anxiety for YEARS and YEARS, my parents simply said they did not want to rehash it, they just wanted me to be ok.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes living right and becoming a responsible member of society and a family is really all a person can do to make those amends. I don't see what re-hashing the past or even having a sit down will do. Do you want this person to feel even more horrible? Is that the intent? Because I believe that will alienate her even more. I believe that if you choose to talkit out and go over all the things she did to **** you off and hurt you over the years she will retreat more. What good is that doing anyone? I kniw it's hard for people to move on but if you're having trouble with someone in your life who has or had a substance abuse problem there is ehlp and it's called ALaNon. It was alifesaver for my mother and many many others I know.
ALl I'm saying is that I know you're pain. I've been there. I'm the daughter to an alcholic/drug addict and I married one too as well as being one myself. If you're looking for someone to tell you that you're right well then I suggest having that talk but if you're looking for peace, I suggest you allow her to come to you when she is ready and when the time is right.
Just one more thing, no disrespect but I don't think posting here, in a community filled with people who want to help each other, about your personal family business, wasn't necessarily the right way to go about things but that's just me. If you feel so strongly about this situatioon, why don't you write her a letter. If there is nothing to hide, you should have posted your real name.
I wish you lots of luck.
WHen it was time for me to make amends (and it was well after being sober for over a year and when I was ready) for all the lies, deceipt, money stolen, money spent, heartache and general anxiety for YEARS and YEARS, my parents simply said they did not want to rehash it, they just wanted me to be ok.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that sometimes living right and becoming a responsible member of society and a family is really all a person can do to make those amends. I don't see what re-hashing the past or even having a sit down will do. Do you want this person to feel even more horrible? Is that the intent? Because I believe that will alienate her even more. I believe that if you choose to talkit out and go over all the things she did to **** you off and hurt you over the years she will retreat more. What good is that doing anyone? I kniw it's hard for people to move on but if you're having trouble with someone in your life who has or had a substance abuse problem there is ehlp and it's called ALaNon. It was alifesaver for my mother and many many others I know.
ALl I'm saying is that I know you're pain. I've been there. I'm the daughter to an alcholic/drug addict and I married one too as well as being one myself. If you're looking for someone to tell you that you're right well then I suggest having that talk but if you're looking for peace, I suggest you allow her to come to you when she is ready and when the time is right.
Just one more thing, no disrespect but I don't think posting here, in a community filled with people who want to help each other, about your personal family business, wasn't necessarily the right way to go about things but that's just me. If you feel so strongly about this situatioon, why don't you write her a letter. If there is nothing to hide, you should have posted your real name.
I wish you lots of luck.
i totally agree with mom2rachie
i dont think that anyone chooses to be an addict. it is a life filled with desperation and loneliness. it is only when an addict is able to start putting their life back together that they can try and make amends to the ppl they have hurt. this takes time...and doesnt happen overnight. when an addict begins to reclaim their life...this is a crucial time for support from the ppl that love them. it is extremely hard to begin again...alot of times without any material possessions...no jobs...and children to think of. it is very easy to just fall back into that life that they just escaped from, because of the pressure to be perfect. but given a chance...love and support...they can make it. everyone deserves a chance to start over...put the past behind them...make amends...and prove themselves worthy...it just takes time.
i dont think that anyone chooses to be an addict. it is a life filled with desperation and loneliness. it is only when an addict is able to start putting their life back together that they can try and make amends to the ppl they have hurt. this takes time...and doesnt happen overnight. when an addict begins to reclaim their life...this is a crucial time for support from the ppl that love them. it is extremely hard to begin again...alot of times without any material possessions...no jobs...and children to think of. it is very easy to just fall back into that life that they just escaped from, because of the pressure to be perfect. but given a chance...love and support...they can make it. everyone deserves a chance to start over...put the past behind them...make amends...and prove themselves worthy...it just takes time.
I appreciate what you are saying. Perhaps I'm not a great communicator. Sometimes I know what I want to say and it doesn't come out quite right. In a nutshell, MisTake is part of my family. You do not know the background and I guess my comment didn't make sense to you because you are not familiar with what all has happened. My whole point was to communicate to her that she and her whole family are loved and have a major support system that only wants to help. Right now any "discussion" of the past is considered negative and we are asked to look to the future. I'm not negating that at all, but as I understand the 12 steps you are to make restoration to the people you have used, lied to and decieved. We're not looking to pound anyone in the ground, but we would like to have an open line of discussion in order to put this thing in the past. We are not even looking at a monetary reimbursement. All we want is to talk and get everything said that needs to be said and regain our family. Right now things are strained to say the least and we feel as though we have been cast out of their lives because some things were brought to a head with another member of the family that needed to know what had been going on. I realize how hard it is for an addict to recover. I have been there with another son and it is hell on earth not only to him but to us as his parents. Choices have consequences and part of recovery is facing up to those that have loved and supported you and setting things right. Which IS possible if those involved will just open up and talk.
I see this is directed as MisTake but I would like to chime in.
I don't quite get your post. Are you pointing oput the obvious? Do you think that when e get clean we think life just goes on and everybody forgets the past? I'm not trying to be argumentative but I'm not following you.
As addicts we know all too much what pain we've cause and when we choose to recover and I'm not speaking in terms of just being sober, but when we really put the effort in and make our amends with those we hurt and we admit where we've been selfish and self sering, that's where the real healing begins.
There is a huge difference in being sober and being clean. Clean is just chemical but sober is a way of life and sober people try to make it up to those who they have hurt by living right and being responsible for their opwn actions and someone their family and friends can now depend on.
I don't quite get your post. Are you pointing oput the obvious? Do you think that when e get clean we think life just goes on and everybody forgets the past? I'm not trying to be argumentative but I'm not following you.
As addicts we know all too much what pain we've cause and when we choose to recover and I'm not speaking in terms of just being sober, but when we really put the effort in and make our amends with those we hurt and we admit where we've been selfish and self sering, that's where the real healing begins.
There is a huge difference in being sober and being clean. Clean is just chemical but sober is a way of life and sober people try to make it up to those who they have hurt by living right and being responsible for their opwn actions and someone their family and friends can now depend on.
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