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Avatar universal

Familys

It is funny how our addictions make our thoughts processes sometimes alittle screwy... I have been clean now for awhile.  During that time I thought me taking pills was only affecting me, that I was the one taking the pills not anyone else in my family, not my husband, my children, my parents or my friends....My father, a man that I love so very dearly and respect, I do not respect anyone like my dad.  He looked at me the other day with tears in his eyes and told me" You never smile anymore"   Talk about a jolt... I had not or rather did not consider my family in all of this... To think I out of my own free will decided to take these pills and abuse them to the point I became someone else.  Someone that no one knew anymore.. to hear my dad say that makes me cry as I am doing now as I think back upon it.  I dont want to cause my family anymore harm.  I know I must do this for myself first... because if I dont it wont work but the other relationships in my life have suffered a great deal.  The w/d's I can handle it is the tearing down of my family that bothers me the most.
Yes, I am struggling... I crave pills daily.  I would have loved to have some today but I know they only last for a while and then the same problems or mess is still here except I may have alienated my family more.  I am far from strong.. I am very weak in this.. the mental part is so much more intense than the physical...
Sorry for writing so long
8 Responses
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452063 tn?1324074916
Recovering from this nightmare is something you have to do for yourself as you said but you can be doing it for the love of your family also. Don't get tripped up in guilt. It will only make you feel worse about yourself and that won't help your recovery. Luckily you've decided to fix this for yourself while you still have your family...for some people it's too late. Just focus on getting better, staying clean and believe that things will get better just like everyone posts. Much luck to you. Feel free to PM me anytime you need xtra support.
Helpful - 0
429209 tn?1224166589
I agree with all  you said I was a different person and still am its like I lost who I used to be and I wonder if some day I will be back to the old me. Its been hard for me especially with my kids, cause the don't understand I have just learned to take things one day at a time and learn other things that can help in my moments of weakness. I truely enjoy being able to come on here and see even though I know but helps that there are so many people fighting the same battle, that I know in the end we will ALL win!
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Avatar universal
I feel the same way about what this has done to my family.First I forced them to have to deal with me the addict and now they have to deal with me going through the steps to get clean.I wonder if in the mess of all this do I even know who I am anymore.Will I know when this is all over and the REAL me surfaces.Sometimes I worry is this as good as I get?Is that why I started to abuse pills in the first place?Then I get on here and see that I'm not alone in these thoughts.It's all part of the process.Praying for you.Peace.
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Avatar universal
Thanks to everyone that wrote, I know what kim715 meant when she talked about the the real me surfacing.. will I like that person?  I also wonder will this be as good as it gets... I wonder if I need an antidepressant or what.  I dont want to be this way.. I remember a time were I was happy, where I had peace and joy in my life.. I miss that alot.  I am working to get back there and I know it is going to take work some hard work.
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Avatar universal
I finally admitted to my family that I had a problem with pain pills from the pain of my torn rotator cuff for over a year. I also told them that I am now going to an addiction psycholigist and am on the Subs.  How amazing......they are all so proud of me for getting the help that I need. Here I was, trying to hide my addiction for a year or so because I felt ashamed and I did not want them to be ashamed of me. But once I came out and told them what happened, they did not blame me at all and were so loving and supportive. Here I was afraid to tell them and trying to hide it all that time. They have been absolutely wonderful..........I think people respect you more when you admit to a problem and that you are seeking help, than if you keep trying to hide and sneek.  Any similar stories with family?
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
I can remember the day I told my kids.They're 22,21 and 18.I knew once I said it out loud to them there was no turning back this time I was going to have to finally get clean.I was so ashamed and embarassed .I was crying so hard when I looked into their faces.I just felt like the most horrible mother in the world.My daughter,who is my 21 year old,looked at me and said "Yeah mom,we knew you had a problem,but why are you crying this is good news."They were happy that I confessed my problem to them and that I was finally going to stop abusing drugs.I guess I didn't hide it as well as I thought I did.
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Avatar universal
Exactly. Our loved ones know us better than we think they do at times.  My 18 year old daughter is sooo very proud of me right now. And my 76 year old mother was so proud of me for finally admittingit (she knew all along) that she offered to help me pay for my Sub Doctor appointment.  Isn't it amazing how supportive family can be when you don't try to hide stuff that they already suspect?  They respect us for trying to get help......not condemn us because they love us and want us to be our old selves and be happy.  Our happiness/unhappiness reflects on them more than we know.
Helpful - 0
478417 tn?1208547207
I too have felt some guilt over hurting my family so much. I was addicted to one substance or another for 10+ years. Just as others have said, you cannot focus on the guilt. By you sharing you have opened up your feelilngs. As addicts, this is hard. You were absoltely right when you said using only makes a situation worse and when the "high" is gone, the problem is still there and sometimes magnified.

How long have you been clean??

I have been clean for 18months and still have bouts of guilt for this family member or that one.

Unfortunately my parents (both) are still active in their addiction and I have to stay away for the most part. That is really hurtful because I am unable to rebuild my relationship with them.

Keep doing what your doing. Remember, one day at time, if necessary, one minute at a time.

Much Love
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