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5729648 tn?1373854048

Fear & How to let the quick fixer go & find the problem solver?

Until 45 days ago my worst fear was stopping the ride! The horror storys...my own experience with it & that bottomless pit of fear we ALL have stared in the face during this life altering transformation. So, why 45 days ago? Why was that same hell fire fear not so HOT?
I've given this much thought...Ive read countless articles...web sites...books & listened to enough so called experts to write my own book but none of those resources or anywhere I've attempted to find  "in~depth self reality" has got the job done and satisfied my curiousity! So, a little self inventory from; "my thoughts & question yesterday".  I've always heard that when the {fear of NOT changing out weighs the fear of staying the same} we will CHANGE...so maybe its that we find ourselves at the end of the line....but why was my end of the line 45 days ago? Fear subsiding...a gift from God?
Ive started to believe we get there by choices and decisions WE make...I know all the studies and references say its decided when our genes are finally put into place...like generational sin...but, we can blame gentics or pre~dispositions if we want....not to say its not some part of it once your there....but its what we do before our brains become addicted. Long before we decide it feels to good to stop...Its lifestyle choices....the way we were taught to view life and its difficultys...for some its sickness or pain! For me it was being unhappy and being totally unaware until I found that chemically sound sence of TRUE well being...what a joke and unfortunately the joke ended up being on me! There's many reason's we carry that debilitating thought through out this roller coaster! But is there meaning behind our thinking...meaning we can learn from to help others.... I just want to know how I got from point a to point b all in a whirl wind of years & wasted time!  Why was the same fear that kept me in my addiction not there when I was giving up my dreams.... my close bond with my family...my everything's....why did that NATURAL feeling of my own well being mean more?
I've discovered maybe I didnt like who I was...did I allow my environment to have a BIG ole hand in how I learned to live in my own skin?  Not that I had a bad childhood I didnt...the opposite but was I ever allowed to solve my own problems and know how to rescue myself from my choices...was it too easy?  I hear self esteem & self worth all the time associated with addiction and the recovery process but, they seem to be common words easy for us to grasp and that has me wondering...but what do they truly mean...I've been thinking and Im finding that the terms seem to simple for my taste! I want to know more about myself and why I didnt have the same self sustaining attitude as so many around me..Im better than this & I deserve more out of life....more than a damaging "fantasy type brain washing" {required daily} addiction to Methadone! Even as I was finding more and more to dislike about the whole mess & myself! I stayed for 10 yrs...all the while watching the rest of the world LIVE!
Question: If I had learned how to be a problem solver instead of a quick fixer like my mother {God rest her soul}would I be typing this?
8 Responses
Avatar universal
I don't think there is ever one answer to your question. Similar to your question yesterday, there is not one problem nor solution. You also hear many say, "It's simple, not easy." Take Jesus for example, "Love they neighbor as thyself,' "Love they enemy and pray for them." It's simple not easy, there is no one answer. It's all of it. Do I think it would have helped us to learn more problem solving skills ahead of time? Sure. Would it have helped know how hard it is to come off methadone ahead of time? Sure. You also hear, "Knowledge is power." Had I known the future, I would have not started taking methadone. We are all children who are growing. Your grandmother learned from her mistakes, your mother did to, now it's your turn. Nobody gets a clean run of it, we all fall short of perfection. So I guess my answer is, if you had a different life and history, and more knowledge, in an ideal world, you may not have ever taken methadone and posted this thread.

I try to impart my knowledge of addiction to my children, I think they have a better chance than I did. I also am grateful for my addiction, not so much at 45 days, but I am trying harder to be as good a man as I can. I don't know that I would have ever been so eager to do the right thing and be my best, had I never been an addict. The truth is, I know many miserible people who have never taken drugs, rich people, poor people, and middle of the road people. I focus on, "Form this day forward." I know I'm supposed to hash through all my past and make since of it, but those issue arise on their own. I deal with each one, the day they surface. I found that I had to watch my expectations. I had hoped to feel better, understand and grown faster than I was. You are a researcher, me too. I get manic and read a few books in a day, write 100 pages of notes, discuss and analyze myself into a frenzy. Just like detox, I have had to learn how to wait for answers to come, they do.

You are doing so awesome, I really think you have a lot of great living to do. Anyway, there's my take on it. Keep searching and sharing, I'm so glad you are here.
Avatar universal
FANTASTIC POST as always❕❗ Very good response WEAVER
5685035 tn?1423936569
I stayed too for 10 years, even as my family was dying and my world was crumbling...I stayed, 6 years ago I wanted 2 get clean but couldnt. I like this post makes me think
4810126 tn?1503946335
Excellent posts (both April & T.)

I agree that there is no one answer (there rarely is with anything that forms our 'reality'.) Even the idea that it's not our choice because it is 'genetically determined' is a choice in the sense that the person who chooses to believe this theory alone, is, in all probability, choosing it in order to NOT change. So, even our very beliefs may be motivated by our fearful/nihilistic mindsets or conversely by our courage & willingness to push the envelope, leave our comfort zones & test ourselves.

I'm actually glad that I didn't know how extended & rough my Methadone detox would be as it might have affected my determination! (I mean I understood it would be rough, rough, rough but the reality was pretty much inaccessible while still on opiates -- as was just about everything else..)

My system of Spirituality tells me that the Universe/Creative force knows what it's doing (for lack of a better phrase!) So, I too, am glad of my addiction, now. To feel otherwise, would be to regret who I am & where I'm at. I've spent too many years looking backwards in self-reproach/disgust, etc. It took me many, many years to get here but I finally realized that it's one of the toughest tests & greatest learning experiences we can go through if we can face it. My belief (excuse) that I was an addict & that that was that (low self-esteem) kept me in bondage for so long. Prayers for guidance & Meditation are what brought me the 'shift' that caused a gradual revolution in the way I saw myself, my past & the possibilities before me. Each day is a new learning experience & I now believe that each person that I encounter has something to teach me. It's a slow & gradual process but I try to keep up a constant 'emotional' read. Sure, there's still negativity & resistance but that's what I learn the most from. I have to make constant minor adjustments & for this I'm grateful. I'm thrilled to be grateful these days b/c I never truly had that in my life before & it's a form of love.

April, I'm not sure how the shift happened for you because I think the combination of circumstances & nuance are unique for each person. That's why I've only shared my own thoughts & experience with you as best I can describe them. Not sure it helps -- but there you go! (Smile,)

5729648 tn?1373854048
Just pondering on what you said & I think your may have hit the nail on the head! As did Annie and what's point of thinking my being a problem solver would have changed a thing....looking back seems to be a waste of time and at this point my energy is still so hit & miss that I think I'll take you so often given good advise and use it for day tot day mental needs! Thanks for the reply I always look forward to hearing from you....all my special friends!
Lots of ky love & hugs, April
5729648 tn?1373854048
Heather my sweet friend....just think we may have stayed....but look at us now! We did it & we got each other now!  Love & hugs girlie!
1827057 tn?1397523877
I was told something simple by someone once . They said "We all generally get here at about the time that we need to" . That time may seem quite random and have little to do with our life situation and more to do with inertia.
As Annie said,reality is a pretty fuzzy thing.Reality is definitely subjective and if we are using then it is even more difficult to sort through our reality and make any sense of it.  Even free will is sometimes just an illusion as our subconscious  tries to steer us at every fork in the road.
   I know for me that my situations didn't dictate my desire to live clean as much as my growing sense of regret and my conscience speaking louder and louder as the years went by.      I like posts like these. They make me think ;)
4810126 tn?1503946335
Well said, Ric. Nice Post!
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