Feel terrible

[WaterLily7]

Hello everyone,
I was at 240 mg of oxycodone IR and a few 10 mg vicodin per day. I cut out the vicodin, and have tapered miserably to now 60 mg per day. Since the blue pills are so tiny, I dissolve them in water, a 30 mg pill to 3 parts water to make each of the three doses 10 mg. I don't know how accurate it is, I stir it good before I drink it, ughh bitter.

My question is, well, first of all, since i am at the ten mg per day now I am going to switch over to the vicodin, 10 mg instead, I know this will bring on even more WD symptoms.
I have Lyrica which helps so much with the WD symptoms, its a godsend. I can't eat much but have been drinking herbal life shakes, which are like ensure plus, and cranberry juice and soda. Just have to have the soda sometimes.
So if I now go to the vicodin this week, and go CT on the weekend, how long do you think it will take to get rid of the WD symptoms?
I have to work full time, single mom, ughhh,
any advice appreciated and "God" bless you all in your road to your life back.

I noticed that since I have tapered so much I can smell and taste again, I don't want to eat yet, but I can smell and taste, and I yawn and sneeze, LOL, havent done that in 2 years!

ughh, its getting tough to write, advice please and thank you!
Lily

[waterLilly7]

Another update. I am almost rhough day 4, (remember, tapered a bit first, for 8 weeks, i thought it was seven, but its eight) ok, so I still feel a bit off, but feeling good, but you know what feels really good? The orgasm I just had, because I haven't been able to have an orgasm for two dang years!
It's like I had no urge, so eh, but now, hey, I forgot what I was missin'!It's like I had written it off, who cares, don't need it, but WOW, was I mistaken, LOL.
hugs,
Lily

[waterLilly7]

Thanks Debbie,
Nah, I don't need after care because I really was dependant and not addicted. My thing was always a beer or two oafter work, and an occasional MJ, that was it for decades while the ex and I were raising the kids and yada yada and then this event crashed into my life and I was put on these things, the pain was bad, tolerance went up, then the mg went up and up and up, and now, my body is healing, and I don't need them anymore. SUre, they gave me a boost, a nice boost mind you, but I prefer the boost of my cold beer after work, just a cold beer and some good conversation, or a good flick, and I am set. I don't have any desire to ever see one again, and the next time, hopefully there wont be a next ime, but if there is a next time where I am in that much pain to require a narcotic, you best believe that I will try for days to endure the pain before I would ever take one again, after suffering this withdrawal. HA! You have gotta be kidding me, LOL< once is enough for me. The only thing I would need counceling for is the life issue stuff which we all could use, I mean, who couldn't use a therapist, but.... single mom work full time therapist is far no money for therapist yada yada, but I think a good dose of nature walks with my poodle who has been a bit neglected will help, and some trips to the beach, and ... life. I think I can go it alone. If I get depressed I will seek help, but for now I think I am good. Thanks for caring, an dI sure will keep the faith,
hugs,
Lily

[atthebeach]

good to hear from you. thanks for the update. congratulations you are doing awesome. keep up the good work. yes this too shall pass.
stay active, exercise, healthy diet. if you dont want to attend na/aa thats ok. it isnt for everyone. do you have clergy you could speak with, or attend counseling? you need some support.
go and smell the roses. you will continue to heal each and every day.
time will heal your mind,body,soul,spirit and emotions.
sending encouragement,support,prayers,hope and peace.
keep the faith
debbie

[waterLilly7]

I will look for your post.
I would like to see your mg and how long you have been tapering.

It really does work, there really is life out here. It's bright at first, but once you are here a little bit it gets real comfortable. Don't take your eye off the goal, that is the best advise I can offer. When it hurts mentally, that is the worst part, if you feel some anxiety, or depression, just push through it with your eye on the goal. I looked at it like those contests on TV where people have to crawl through slime and walk over alligaotor pits, etc, etc. I kept my eye on the final goal, to have no anxiety, no depression, and to smell the roses once again like I did years ago. They sure do stink good now!
big hug and I will look for your post,
Lily

[smartgirlbadecisions]

you are so inspiring. i am also an addict. i have been doing the taper thing here now for a while and i need to just make the leap!!!! in fact im going to post here in  a minute about making the leap. i would love to hear ur thoughts.
love, s

[waterLilly7]

Hi Everyone,
its been some time. Just checking back, sorry, I have been tapering all this time and have been feeling too miserable to drm up the spirit to write. Now, as I sit here 56 hours since my last dose, I can say that I am feeling well enough to update y'all and tell you that I am almost back. Due tot he 7 week (approx) taper I am able to be withdrawaling a lot more comfortably hadn't I tapered. No real physical symptoms that I cant control, it's the psychological. Still, not too bad. I get bouts of anxiousness but it comes and goes, and when it goes I tell myself that it will soon be gone for good, because it will be.
I have found that cannabutter helps WONDERFULLY with the psychologica symptoms, but makes you very numb, so you aren't worth much but a couch sit, but boy does it help. SO did Lyrica, but I am now slacking off of that too.
I am also taking a couple of supplements. HTP-5 and SAM-e, I have no idea if they are helping or not, just started them yesterday.

SO yeah, I am alsmost there, THANK "GOD" and I am feeling better than yesterday, and tomorrow I just may be back to normal, or at least anothre few days, ,and I have no want no desire at all to ever cast my eyes upon those little blue devils or those white ones either, never. So, i have some left over which I will be taking with me to my new doctor to prove what I have really done, and I will ask THEM to throw them away for me.

To anyone reading this who thinks the anxiety won't end, it will, just like me you will be able to see the light at the end. DOn't give up a taper or a CT, there is life here! I am not even fully better yet, just a couple of days in and already its great. (of course, I did taper for 7 weeks, but whatever, the other side is there)

Thanks and Blessings to all,
Lily

[waterLilly7]

I undersatnd what you are saying and it would be for me if I were addicted. I am not addicted, I am dependant physically. They do kill emotional pain, but I rathre have a beer to tell ya the truth, so now that my physical pain is gone, I want off of them. No worries, I always took as prescribed, but prescribed was way high, 240 mg per day and more, but it's not a mental battle, its just physical. Just give me a beer and I will be fine. Can't wait till the day I can sit and have a beer.

meanwhile, I am listening to music again, I haven't cared about that in a couple of years, and other things too.
but anyway, thanks for your concern, you all mean so much to me.
Blessings and hugs,
Lily

[wransomejr]

Don't kid yourself, Lily, about being okay on your own after detox. I did that and two months in relapsed. I'm wanting to rationalize again that I will be okay. There are things about N/A I don't agree with 100%, but I do know it helps people stay clean. I've applied for counseling, too, but I think N/A is important. I don't want to get honest with myself and a sponsor about some of the bad things I've done in the past but I know it is important to work through, accept, and let go. Best of luck! r

[waterLilly7]

Thanks so much Minn, it means a lot to know I have support here. I am like in tears ya know? Been doing that a lot lately. It sooo helps to know you are there.
I actually made a half of a grilled cheese sandwish and a half of a soup at hand and ate it all. Feels good to taste but I am not in the mood to taste often,
My mood is up and down, This taper is likea roller coaster, but no fun that is for sure. Today was a diarrhea day too. Funny, I mean sooo funny having diarrhea after 2 years of constipation, hahaha!
Thanks so much for being there for me. I think of you guys when I go and walk my dog a bit. You guys are all I have right now and i appreacite it.
hugs,
Lily

[minn66]

Hi Lilly, just wanted to let you know I'm still here and sending hugs and support. The last two days have been very stressful and I try so hard to be positive when I post. I guess I don't want to be a downer. Great job on your taper and you do have friends. Right here :)

Hugs,

Minn

[waterLilly7]

I know how you feel. I feel rejected from my family and it is not due to my narcotic use, this was due to other matters, but the pills not only killed the physical pain, they killed the emotioinal pain.
I am working it out as I taper. I am telling myself that I don't need to look back, I am looking forward. I am going to live in the moment but look to the future. i will  meet other people when I want to. heck, if I want, I can even go on craigslist and find a friend, LOL, sad but true, but wherever I end up I will be me. I will taste and smell and breathe easy.
So will you, I promice.
hugs,
Lily

[Sivad101]

Hello there. Like all of you, I'm on a large dose of oxy's - 150 30mg a month - and it never lasts that long. It's a struggle, never sought help, but man could I use some support.  I've weaned down, but now post 4 back surgeries in as many years, I'm always hurting all over.  My body just feels beat up.

I take strength from everyones words. I do need to share an observation. All of these posts in one way or another, and like me, talk about social withdrawal. Like another writer my kitties and a need for ice cream get me out. Now I'm bam at work and always either there home.

Social withdrawal is a symptom of addiction. Nearly everyone I know or have known thanks with an opiate addiction isolates themselves. It's so sad but supportive to see we all share such commonalities. It means or symptoms as lives are capable of change - and these struggles we face, albeit mountainous,have been overcome before.  By many.  One day going out will be fun again, friends and family will be better than a quiet hotel room...  Ensure and liquid shakes will no longer be our only sources of nutrition. It will fun to cook. Not only will it be fun to cook - it eil be fun...

To just be...

[no_will]

I have no family or friend support either.  I think that is why it was so hard to stop the drug.  It killed the pain from my lonely life and miserable excistance.  I am on day one and hating life right now.

[waterLilly7]

oops, hit the button before I finished. thanks for your concern it means a lot to me, and I will keep y'all posted.
hug,
Lily

[waterLilly7]

yes, from my doctor. But not anymore. I will not go for another script of course.
Funny thing is I never got a buzz like the kind of buzz people talk about, all i get is a speedy kind of thing.

I won't be seeking after care, I really don't think I will need it. I am more physically dependant than addicted really. once I am off I will be ok, I am lucky I guess.
thanks for your concern

[waterLilly7]

yeah glad to hear I m not teh only house mouse. Some people look at it like I am weird. yes, my daughter knows. She knows I was on heavy medication for my disorder, and she now knows that I have decided to go off of it since the pain is nearly gone. She is supportive with her words, but she doesn't like spending an ounce of time with me, but she is a teenager.
I hear she will be my best bud once she turns like 18 -22, somehwere in there.
I am now down to 7.5 mg every 4 hours. going to 5 mg this weekend, and so on. I sure would love to share my taper schedule. How come we aren't allowed? Is it for legal reasons? It kind of ***** because it would help people. I got it from a nurse. Oh well.

Today is the first day where I am feeling ok. Physical symptoms in check, if I don't eat I drink a shake, i usually drink about 4 shakes per day and have one tiny meal, and take vitamins and flax seed oil.

So, down from 240 -260 mg per day to 45 mg per day, not bad for one month, no wait, 3 weeks I think it is, april 28th, that was my start day. so i had a hard time with WD due to that fast taper. Now I am gona take it a little slower. I wish I coudl do the ccold turkey but my job ... can't.

I dunno, I may give it a shot for the weekend, not thi one but nect one, after I have tapered a bit more. ughhh.

thanks for all the support, without this i dont  know where I woudl be.
hugs everyone,
Lily

[Pat1956100]

Hi,  I don't know if this will be beneficial or not but I had a very strained relationship with my son too.  It seemed to happen after my husband passed away and I blamed it on that.  We both seemed to close up and stopped communicating.  
When I decided to quit using oxy about 5 weeks ago, I decided to be honest with my family. I called my son (he lives out of town now) and told him and he KNEW.  It was so hard to tell him and he was so wonderful and so happy that I was honest with him.  That is why he had been so cold and uncomfortable around me.  I didn't think anyone could tell that I was using pills because I didn't feel high most of the time but it definitely altered my personality.
I am just wondering if maybe your daughter knows and if you were honest with her if she would help you. It's so surprising how many people know but don't know how to confront you about it.
Just a thought.
Pat

[Pat1956100]

Hey Minn, I sent you a message.  
Pat

[minn66]

Ah, the joy of having a teenaged daughter! My daughter is now almost 27 (eek, when did I get so old?? ;)). I also have a son who will be 18 this fall, a stepson who is 9 and stepdaughter who is 15. My stepson is here every chance he gets and we are very close. My stepdaughter, though, doesn't want to come around much any more. Granted, she is involved in softball and other activities and has lots of friends, but it still hurts because we were pretty close at one time, too.

You know, I feel the same about being at home. I feel safe here. Secure. I go to my physical and massage therapy appointments and counseling and NA but the first thing in the morning I think, "I don't want to leave this house." I enjoy being in the yard, pulling weeds, watering, feeding the fish. I go back to work tomorrow and I am scared to death because of all the things that have happened, ironically, since I stopped taking hydrocodone in November.

We can support each other. I won't be able to post near as much, yet I will be here. I do hope you can find an aftercare group of some sort and, of course, stay around here.

Big hugs,

Minn

[Sonrissa]

I feel the same way Lily! I would never leave my home if I didn't have to! If it weren't for my poor kitties, who need food occasionally, I swear I would never leave! I am so very uncomfortable in any type of social situation! I'm am very shy! It sounds absurd, because I can sure offer support, and give my opinions here! I guess it's insecurity! I have gone to AA meetings years ago. I actually liked them but I could not bring myself to talk to anyone! I just showed up, listened and left! Oh, so many issues to tackle, hard to know where to start! You have a great attitude! I wish you much success!

[waterLilly7]

Thnks so much for the encouragment, made me cry. lol. yeah its hard having nobody, Child care is not an issue, my daughter is a teenager and she could really care less about me. She goes up to her room and I see her at dinner and then I see her from time to time when she walks by me.
I give her a good life, she is spoiled andher father really spoils her so she is not close with me anymore due to her being spoiled I guess.

about NA, I don't know. I would like somoene to talk to while going through this, but fter detox I think I will be ok on my own. I didn't get the buzz others get rom the oxy. I have a paridioxial affect i think its called, soemthing liek that, and I get the opposite from the pills, so they feel more like a pot of coffee to me, no dopiness. I was functioning terrific on them, working and taking care of the house, etc. but I was just doing, I wasn't living. I didn't sneeze or yawn in two years. Imagine that. ot that sneezing is important, but it shows how the drugs mess with your body.
Everyone here is so nice, thank you. I think this will be enough therapy for me. I have this phobia of going out. not really a phobia, more like discomfort. I like being home, don't like going anyplace. Maybe that will change when I am totally clean. I am so pissed at my doctor. I had no idea that i couldnt just stop my meds. I ddint' know bout withdrawal. I thought it was just for heroine, omg I am stupid but she should have told me. I am going to turn her into a frog.

Thanks to everyone for your support, it means a lot to me.
hugs,
Lily

[dominosarah]

Have you thought about NA or some support group?  You will find people who are or have gone thru the same thing.  Are you getting these pills from your doctor?

[Sonrissa]

Hi Lily! I can totally relate to you! I take the same meds, 30mg Roxicodone, and I was up to about 240 mgs per day! Way to much! I am running out of my script about a week early! I am in process of tapering, and it's not easy! I have a Dr appt on 21st and I'm going to spill my guts and ask for help getting off this horrible roller coaster! I must learn what to do about pain from a bad shoulder! What is Lyrica and how does it help with the withdrawals? I am scared & nervous confessing this to my Dr, but I'll bet she somehow knows! I, like you am totally alone! My family all lives in another state, and they have no idea of my struggle! Im too ashamed to admit it! I have isolated myself and I have no friends! That is, until I luckily found this site! The people here are wonderful and compassionate! They give great advice and support! So welcome, and best wishes! Keep reading and keep posting! Please update as much as you can, and never give up!

[carrierr4]

You can do it!!!! Stay strong:)