First Time Here~Feeling Scared and Alone

[PippaLou]

Hi Everyone. I am a 40 year old Mom of 2 preschool aged boys. I currently take Norco 10-300 8 per day for neck and back pain. My Dr. Just added Morphine 15mg 12 hr release to my daily drug intake. I also take Adult ADD medication and antidepressants...wheww seems like a lot when I write it down. I feel so grumpy every morning when I wake up until my drugs are pumping through me at a good pace. My husband does not have to be at work until 9am so he lets me sleep until 8am then wakes me up to get the boys fed and ready for school, then I drive them there. If I could, I would sleep until noon each day. I know I am really depressed and I feel like my drug addiction is a major part of my depression. I don't even think I remember what it feels like to be off of drugs. I can't remember who I was or if I will like myself when I am off of drugs. I live in a fog and just get through each day. I feel like I am missing out on so much with my kids. I am with them all of the time in body, but feel disconnected with the world. I take very good care of my kids and they are privileged in many ways, but I feel like they are not getting all of me and all of my heart. My husband feels the distance from me too. I am always "needing alone time" and always feeling very overwhelmed. I know that the drugs are making me feel this way. I just feel numb and empty. But I am scared to stop because of the withdrawals and the admitting the problem to my Dr. because what if I feel I am worse than ever when I am off the drugs then he won't give them to me anymore because I chose to get off of them because of having a "problem" with them? He will see me as a risk and not give them to me as easily if I try to detox. I have never tried to stop taking them, this would be my first attempt at quitting. I am scared I will fail and regret trying to stop. I just have no one to talk to about it because I do not know any one else in my situation so I am turning to you all because this message area seems so supportive and giving. Please if you have any advice, I would love to hear it.

[10356]

Hello Moonshyne.. welcome to the forum.. I also deal with pain but I took the route of speaking with my Dr. He is a tremendous support and very proud of me..I think the depression they cause in the end adds to our pain. I understand also that feeling of disconnectedness you were speaking off I can say my relationship with my husband has improved so much now that I'm not consumed and drowned by the drugs I was taking.. I laugh a lot.. my children although adults are so much happier.. finding ourselves again is such a relief and one so worth the process.. I just wanted to add my support also and to let you know You can do this.. It will be so worth it for our world becomes very tiny once we are hooked to our drugs.. Take good care of yourself.. I wish you well.. lesa

[dominosarah]

Welcome to the forum.  Its a great place for support as you have already found out.  We will be here to support you thru this process.  Getting your life back is very exciting and also scary too but it is so worth it.  Keep posting and lean on us.  You have to do the hard work but we will be cheering you on........sara

[momofmm]

Thank you!  You are an inspiration as well!  You are right behind me.  Stay strong and we can get through this together!

[PippaLou]

I am teary eyed right now reading these posts. I have never talked to anyone about my feelings about these drugs until today and did not expect such a pouring of support. Thank You Thank You Thank You from the whole of my heart! Never in a million years did I think I could come online and find the support and push I needed to get better and make this change in my life. You have no idea how much this means to me. And yes, that is a great idea moonshyne, for me to ask for help while dealing with the "Flu" because it sounds like exactly what it's going to feel like but worse. My husband is very supportive and will be helpful I am sure. I do have wonderful Inlaws that can help with my kids, thank God. Now, I just need to make a plan and stick to it. Wow, i am actually excited and scared at the same time. You all are so amazing. I will keep posting and reading here for sure. I will probably become a pest..LOL( just kidding I hope!) ~Pippalou (my dogs name, I love her so much too)

[moonshyne777]

You are an amazing lady momofmm, reading your posts gives me so much positive energy. Thank you!

  

[momofmm]

I did it by myself. My husband knew what was going on and he helped as much as he could.  He works 16 hour days so I was pretty much on my own.  I had both my girls with me.  One is 4 and the other is 3 months.  It was hard but it can be done.  I didn't want to tell anybody in my family about what was going on because I was so ashamed.  As hard as it will be you can make it through.  I couldn't taper.  I just couldn't do it so I went cold turkey.  If your husband could help you taper your WD symptoms shouldn't be as bad but you will need help doing it.  If you keep posting here about how your doing the support you get from all these wonderful people will help a lot as well.  I found that if I go for a walk with my girls and get some sort of excersice I feel much better.  You won't feel like doing anything the first 3-4 days but if you push yourself into doing it you will feel better.  

[dedicatedtostop]

You have came to a wonderful place, the people here are wonderful. Quiting will be the best decesion you will ever make in your life. I am 23 days and loving life more than ever. I too felt all of these same thoughts before I quit. I detoxed at home as a single mom w a 2 year home all day and a 9 year old after school, no support other than this site. I was taking lortab for a herniated disc, and since my dr was the only source for the pills I made the decesion to call and tell them I no longer wanted the lortab. Then last week I saw him for the first time. I was very nervous before the apt of how he would think towards me. But as always I was greeted by my dr w a huge hug and a " I am so happy you quit". I rededicated my life to God, changed my way of thinking, and prayed for salvation, and today I am deleivered. It can be done! And I know you can do it!! Think of those 2 children and that should be enough of a reason. The wds do suck, but the people here will get you through. I am here for you as well.. Read some of our posts here and maybe that will give you even more motivation.. You can be happy again, I promise, no more guilt and a peace of mine.

[moonshyne777]

Is there anyone who can come help with the kids while you have the "flu"?

A grandma, aunt or friend? That would be great but even if not you can do it. Maybe your hubby can take some time off. It would be so worth it, keep posting. There are folks on here who will help you through this. I have spent the last week whining pitifully about my wd's and they are still talking to me, lol.

It's the fight of your life but the end result is worth it!!

[moonshyne777]

Hey there,

Well you hit the right site, this is a great forum and the ppl here will help you start your journey. I am 7 days clean off of oxycontin. prescribed for back pain and I ended up hooked badly. The last 7 days have been the fight of my life, I'm not gonna kid you, it's hard but finally today I feel better and I know if I can get some help (I'm going to try na) I can keep going. I have to, I want my life back and have a 1 yr old and a 2 yr old who are counting on me. I could have written your post. I also felt so disconnected - because I was. You can do it but you have to really want it. Because it is hard but the results will be so worth it. I'm only day 7 and just starting to see the light but I know it'll be a daily challenge. Detox is one thing but the mental addiction needs attention. Detox rids the body of the poison but some kind of aftercare will rid your mind of whatever led you to abuse in the first place. Get the stuff for the Thomas recipe and don't look back. Tommorow would have been the first doc appointment since I detoxed and I'm not going. Two weeks ago I would have walked barefoot in the snow to make sure I got my painkillers. Wanna hear the kicker?I am on less pain today without anything for pain then when I was on the oxys. They create pain!! It's part of the addiction. I have spinal stenosis and I swear until today I was in agony with "rebound pain" but now that's gone. Don't get me wrong, I'm no miracle.. I have been to hell and back this week but I'm still hanging in there and you can too. Choose life my dear, you won't be sorry.

[PippaLou]

Oh thank you so much for your response. How exciting for you that you are taking the steps to feel better. I hope I can do it too. Did you do it alone or did you have help from a Dr.? Did you wean off or go cold turkey? Did you have the girls around you while going through the physical pains? I can't see being able to take care of my kids while going through the first 5 days or so.They are 3 and 5 and would not understand the need for me to be sick and have the *Me* time to deal with my even going to the bathroom alone.LOL They would need to be elsewhere while I was feeling this way. That would mean me having to tell whomever was watching them why I needed to be alone (to detox from drugs) and that is scary for me. Seems fo far out of reach for me because of that. :(

[momofmm]

Welcome.  This is a wonderful place for support.  I just recently stopped taking 20-30 lortabs 10mg a day.  I know what you mean when you say you feel numb and empty.  I have 2 little girls to take care of and it was tough.  I'm on day 9 with no drugs and I feel so much better.  You just have to set your mind to it and it can be done.  You will feel the physical symptoms for the first week or so.  Body aches, diaherra, stomach cramps, can't sleep, and the worst for me was the restless legs.  All of this sounds horrible but it can be done.

Keep posting and there are a ton of people on here that will help you through and be very supportive.  Good luck!!!