Aa
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction...
First let me state where I'm coming from: Oxycodone addiction. I took it to function. Not for physical pain, but for emotional pain. And I can't tell you how scary it is to know there is just a perfect little drug for happiness. It enabled me to get up in the morning and face the day with energy and happiness. It even gave me the motivation to start excersizing - I even have a home gym now thanks to Oxy. And at the time... I thought Oxycodone was 'just a pain-killer'. I didn't even know it was the barbiturate aspect that made me feel so euphoric. And I didn't even think there was more to withdrawal than just bearing through an uncomfortable physical withdrawal (which I could and can do with no problem) with minor anxiety. To me, it was perfect. Until I ran out after taking them for months...
Hell. Complete and total emotional meltdown. It was as if for every moment of happiness it had brought over the past months was being revisited upon me in the form of emotional hell. The law of 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction' suddenly had a horrible new meaning for me. And truthfully, the agony of withdrawal seems a hundred times worse than the gain it gives.
I still have a memory... of me squatting on the floor of the shower with my arms wrapped around my legs - crying as the hottest water I could stand rained down on me. Crying for the first time since I found out my mom had cancer and likely wouldn't live beyond the next year. Crying for the first time since my fiance of two years suddenly cheated on me and left with no explanation or closure. Crying for the first time in about 15 years. But it was not a cathartic crying. It was just a feeling of being doomed and not being able to see that I wanted to live in this world any longer. Each second was a struggle to avoid thinking about suicide. I pray to God for anyone and everyone else that finds themselves stuck in a similiar moment of pain.
I made it through that detox after about 2 weeks of nights like that. The nights were the worst. Days I could get through - empty, depressing, boring, and yet so filled with anxiety and restlessness. Nothing was enjoyable and nothing would make the time go faster. If there is such a thing as 'time-dilation', people going through withdrawal know what it is. I didn't feel normal again at the end of two weeks - but I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and I knew I could start dealing with my other issues like a normal person and rejoin the land of the living.
I relapsed about a month later. Even after reading about the dangers of relapsing and thinking I had learned a lesson.
Went through withdrawal and detoxing again. Cold turkey, no taper, no other drugs to help. I kept it completely hidden from my family and friends.
Life is starting to return to me again for brief moments. Things start to make sense again. The emotional pain, depression, anxiety... sometimes they go away long enough to fell like a person again. Once again I know that in a number of days, I'll be back to being alright... without Oxycodone.
Even now, there is a bottle of Oxycodone sitting on the counter in the kitchen. But if I look at it - it shakes me to the core. As much as I want one, the thought of taking one literally terrifies me. I will not ever go back into that hell.
I'm writing this not only to get this off my chest since I cannot, and will not, ever let my family or friends know - but because I want to let anyone else going through withdrawal know:
Withdrawal does end. Even if you think your addiction is different from everyone else's. Even if you think your emotional pain is too great. It does end. Meet the fear head-on. Take the steps to quit. Or if you have already started and want some inspiration:
I never thought I could quit the stuff. I thought I would rather be dead than live without it. I thought my depression, lack of finding anything enjoyable any longer, anxiety, chest pain, etc... was abnormal and beyond what other people felt. But I have found out - it's the drug talking to you. Telling you nothing will ever be ok again. But it lies.
You stop it, you get better.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
I fell alive again. Life is worth living. Things are enjoyable again.
Hell. Complete and total emotional meltdown. It was as if for every moment of happiness it had brought over the past months was being revisited upon me in the form of emotional hell. The law of 'For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction' suddenly had a horrible new meaning for me. And truthfully, the agony of withdrawal seems a hundred times worse than the gain it gives.
I still have a memory... of me squatting on the floor of the shower with my arms wrapped around my legs - crying as the hottest water I could stand rained down on me. Crying for the first time since I found out my mom had cancer and likely wouldn't live beyond the next year. Crying for the first time since my fiance of two years suddenly cheated on me and left with no explanation or closure. Crying for the first time in about 15 years. But it was not a cathartic crying. It was just a feeling of being doomed and not being able to see that I wanted to live in this world any longer. Each second was a struggle to avoid thinking about suicide. I pray to God for anyone and everyone else that finds themselves stuck in a similiar moment of pain.
I made it through that detox after about 2 weeks of nights like that. The nights were the worst. Days I could get through - empty, depressing, boring, and yet so filled with anxiety and restlessness. Nothing was enjoyable and nothing would make the time go faster. If there is such a thing as 'time-dilation', people going through withdrawal know what it is. I didn't feel normal again at the end of two weeks - but I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and I knew I could start dealing with my other issues like a normal person and rejoin the land of the living.
I relapsed about a month later. Even after reading about the dangers of relapsing and thinking I had learned a lesson.
Went through withdrawal and detoxing again. Cold turkey, no taper, no other drugs to help. I kept it completely hidden from my family and friends.
Life is starting to return to me again for brief moments. Things start to make sense again. The emotional pain, depression, anxiety... sometimes they go away long enough to fell like a person again. Once again I know that in a number of days, I'll be back to being alright... without Oxycodone.
Even now, there is a bottle of Oxycodone sitting on the counter in the kitchen. But if I look at it - it shakes me to the core. As much as I want one, the thought of taking one literally terrifies me. I will not ever go back into that hell.
I'm writing this not only to get this off my chest since I cannot, and will not, ever let my family or friends know - but because I want to let anyone else going through withdrawal know:
Withdrawal does end. Even if you think your addiction is different from everyone else's. Even if you think your emotional pain is too great. It does end. Meet the fear head-on. Take the steps to quit. Or if you have already started and want some inspiration:
I never thought I could quit the stuff. I thought I would rather be dead than live without it. I thought my depression, lack of finding anything enjoyable any longer, anxiety, chest pain, etc... was abnormal and beyond what other people felt. But I have found out - it's the drug talking to you. Telling you nothing will ever be ok again. But it lies.
You stop it, you get better.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
I fell alive again. Life is worth living. Things are enjoyable again.
Thank you for the feed-back - it really helps reinforce that I'm really ok now. Knowing other people can relate so well. This site, and specifically the people in this community posting their own stories helped me so much. When I was in the middle of the withdrawal depression, anxiety, and emptiness, I would sit at the computer for hours just reading the posts here as it was the one thing that I could actually focus my mind on doing for some reason. I guess it's just amazing how much healing can simply come from knowing you aren't alone.
And to answer the question, there is an *empty* bottle of Oxycodone in the kitchen. I can't explain why, but when the withdrawal was at its worst - the sight of that bottle actually brought on such revulsion (because I logically knew that is what was causing all the pain and emptiness) but I couldn't help but look at it when I felt like I was going to break and get more. But as the depression from withdrawal lessoned, it actually started giving me some inspiration to see it empty. I can't really explain it well, but the empty bottle is symbolic to me I guess.
Also to answer - I'm a guy. ;D And 'Zen' as is from Zen Buddhism (and not to go into a huge tangent but):
"Zen Buddhism asserts that enlightenment can be attained through self-contemplation, and intuition rather than through faith and devotion."
I'm religious (Christian), but there's a lot to be said for Buddhism when it comes to working through personal problems, like addiction. I think that often we try to fix our problems out of love, faith, and devotion to our loved ones (or God) and not ourselves. But honestly, unless we are trying to help ourselves, for ourselves first - we'll more often than not fail. But that's just my own observation and view on things from a young 34 years of living...
And to answer the question, there is an *empty* bottle of Oxycodone in the kitchen. I can't explain why, but when the withdrawal was at its worst - the sight of that bottle actually brought on such revulsion (because I logically knew that is what was causing all the pain and emptiness) but I couldn't help but look at it when I felt like I was going to break and get more. But as the depression from withdrawal lessoned, it actually started giving me some inspiration to see it empty. I can't really explain it well, but the empty bottle is symbolic to me I guess.
Also to answer - I'm a guy. ;D And 'Zen' as is from Zen Buddhism (and not to go into a huge tangent but):
"Zen Buddhism asserts that enlightenment can be attained through self-contemplation, and intuition rather than through faith and devotion."
I'm religious (Christian), but there's a lot to be said for Buddhism when it comes to working through personal problems, like addiction. I think that often we try to fix our problems out of love, faith, and devotion to our loved ones (or God) and not ourselves. But honestly, unless we are trying to help ourselves, for ourselves first - we'll more often than not fail. But that's just my own observation and view on things from a young 34 years of living...
OMG!! What a post??? Thank you so much for sharing this. Very powerful indeed. I can definately identify myself with this. THANK YOU for the very inspirational post!
Thank you for that! couldnt have came at a better time for me!!!I am crying as i write this ..it has hit the nail so right on the head for me. Thank you for the inspiration and hope
This is the most inspirational post that I've ever read!! Thank you for sharing this!!
WOW. this should get anyone that is wavering something to think about. read it and learn. the message is powerful.
Bumping back up, sorry but I think this should be at the front page for a while.
Oh...i thought it was an old post...misread it...just a couple of days ago,,,I hope you are doing well and was an awesome post
I hope she made it and is clean... that was before my time on the forum...I know i am not strong enough to have my doc on the counter even now...wish i would have known how much was involved mentally with kicking these puppies when i started abusing them...if i could just turn the clock back..i would have done it differently...i hope
awsome, awsome,awsome post. this is one post i want to print and post on my fridge. very insperational
This is THE best post that I have ever read.
Totally amazing. Awe inspiring!
Thank you for sharing.
Totally amazing. Awe inspiring!
Thank you for sharing.
All i can say is WOW , what a post!!! One of the best i have ever read, and i have been here over a yr, bumping it up!!!
CONGRATS!!!!
r2r
7 months clean!
CONGRATS!!!!
r2r
7 months clean!
Thank you for this amazing post! I am getting near the end of day 1 taper (only took 2 pills today down from 10). You post motivated me. Thank you, thank you.
Great post. Wish it would have been on lastnight for this kid to read. I'm so glad that you are making it. I am 2 weeks today and have been there many times before but I will make it this time bc I can talk about it to the wonderful people on this forum. Thanks for the inspiration.....Why do you still have a bottle of Oxycodone on your counter? Zen as in Nirvana?
Well, I have a load of work to get done today and here I sit with tears running down my face.
I can hardly see the screen.
Did I write that???
It sounds like me, but I don't remember writing it......
Thank You
I can hardly see the screen.
Did I write that???
It sounds like me, but I don't remember writing it......
Thank You
Great post! You found a way to clearly put into words what so many of us have felt and gone through. Congrats to you on your accomplishment and thanks for putting this out there for everyone who needs it.
" " " can't ditto enough on this post- AWESOME and INSPIRATIONAL read! I am 5 days into CT Hydrocodone addiction and so far, i've had my high's and low's- don't really understand it all, as i haven't really heard of another person have the same problems/reactions as I have! I really never understood how deep this addiction thing ran, ya know? All I knew was that I woke up every day, popped two 10's and got my day goin, usually taking anywhere from 4-10 a day for the past 2-3 yrs. It made me so incredibly euphoric that I felt like I could take on any challenge, no matter how hard it seemed! Losing the pounds[much needed weight loss] was just a plus! I applaude your honesty as i also see this is not gonna be an overnight or weekly process....-THIS IS THE HARDEST THING I'VE EVER DONE! Thanks for the post and Congrats to you!
Thank you for that post. As Enemy says...it was brilliant..and so true for any of us who have gone there. I applaud your honesty and I know exactly what you mean for every word you typed. Congratulations on your progress. I was never one who could do tapers or keep them around. You may save someones life by them reading that post and identifying. I know that coming here did help me make the decision to stop. Kudos to you!
Peace~
Peace~
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