Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
32.1k Members
Avatar universal

Found heroin on boyfriend again! need some help please

Last week i found heroin in my boyfriends bag.  He had a bad problem with it for about two years and has claimed to not be using for the past year and a half.  We have been together for almost a year and moved in with me two months ago.  I found it on him a couple of months ago and he claimed that it was not what i think, that he had done it just once.  Like a fool i took his word for it.  Then last week i thought he was acting weird and something was not right so i looked in his bag and found three bags of herion.  When i confronted him he flipped out on me and told me he has just been partying a little that he does not have a habbit and that i am blowing it way out of proportion.  I am sick over this i dont know what to do. Do I kick him out, do i give him another chance? Also i bought a home drug test and he did not want to take it because he says it stays in your system for a month, i though it only stayed in your system for three days. is he lying about that to.  sorry this is so long but i wanted you to have all the info
55 Responses
Avatar universal
i believe it only stays in the kidneys for three days like cocaine. IT is time to stop enabling him and treating him with kid gloves. tell him next time you find heroin in the house youll put his a** in jail. he wont quit using until he wants too, may even have to let him go on his own. but you CANT just let him continue to use and bring H into your home. lets face it , its illegal and you could go to jail, lose your home, etc if it is found in a place where your on the lease. if he wants to clean up-SUPPORT HIM if not , time to put him out till he wakes up. just my opinion, and i pray everything works out for you both...
Avatar universal
Not sure how good your man is in the sack, but if he has a habit his sexual function will be off.  He will either last an usually long time, have problems keeping his wood, or he will not be able to get off.  When i was on oxycontin which is basically heroin sex was the only way my gf could tell i was high.  In my opinion as being an abuser is get your boy some serious help.  If hes partying with it hes abusing it.  There is no once a month or week with these drugs its all or nothing.  Either hes abusing or not using.  Good luck with your boy.  Hoep my advice helps.
306455 tn?1288862071
Sorry, but this guy is just lieing, lieing, lieing. You found it a few months ago and now you found some again. And these are just the ones you've found. Now he will get better at hideing it. If he won't take the test, he's still hideing it. I'd be giving him an ultimatum and if he says he's clean make him do a drug test once a week. But ya know he won't stop until he's ready. His drugs are the priorty now, you are not. Sorry this sounds so harsh but its true. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but chances are, right now he loves his drugs more. It's a tuff one with no easy answer.
340590 tn?1290952141
sorry you are struggling through this.  he is most likely lying to you.  you can change him or make him quit.  i am a  believer in tough love.  you have to protect yourself.  i would give him an ultimatum.  then see what he does
199177 tn?1490498534
if you found it a few months ago and found it again now i highly doubt he has stopped ,this just the only two times you have caught him .heroin is a very hard drug to kick i would say the hardest . Plz protect yourself first .
Avatar universal
It stays in your blood for 3 days. How did he get clean last time? Was he in rehab?

Avatar universal
thank you every one for your help. I know i have to show him tough love but it is so hard.  He agreed to take a drug test when ever i give him one and swore it would not happen again but i know it is most likely ********.  My heart is broken, i feel so stupid. i wish i just had the strength to just kick him out.
228936 tn?1249094248
Don't believe anything he says and go for the proof. It tuff but Junkies always lie I know I did. all the best
Avatar universal
Why Throw the baby out with the bathwater? Of course, you want to rid your home of the Heroin, but why get rid of the person using it. Should we all try and help those in need? I am a bit surprised at some of the responses saying "just kick him out" and stuff suggesting things other than assisting him.
Tiff, I cannot speak of your situation regarding Heroin. My DOC was Vicotin and I was consuming up to 40 vic's a day. I seeked treatment with my wife right by my side and it is because of her being with me that has made me not only clean, but strong enough to fight off urges and the other troubling feelings that come with it. I am on Suboxone and it works wonderfully. It is allowing me to deveoping healthier habits and patterns so that when I am off the Suboxone, I will have a fairly routine CLEAN lifestyle with lots of other thngs that bring excitment and stuff....I will not need the Vic anymore. If you love him, try to help him by seeking treatment. He is going to have to buy into it though and that might be the toughest part for you, having to put up with it until he seriously says; "I'm ready"....I really don't even know if that is the best way to go...you have to find a way that works I guess. But, I would not encourage you to just throw in the towel and kick him out. Try to help him. Make him realize that a woman who did not love him like you do would have kicked him out a long time ago. Make sure he realizes how lucky he is. Maybe that will be enough for him to say I want to get help...I don't know; But good luck t you Tiff.
MikeWith Family
Avatar universal
Thank you MikeWith Family for comment.  I just dont know if that is the right way or not.  I would love to try and help him and have told him that he has to go to some kind of treatment or na, he agreed he would go if that is what i wanted him to do.  but he cant go for me he has to go because he wants help, atleast thats what everyone has been telling me.  And even if he does go i will always be worried about if he is lieing or not.I cant live like that.  I just dont know what is the best way to handel this.
Avatar universal
Here is my 2 cents for what its worth. I hope I dont upset anyone but this touched off a need to speak my own truth to Tiff.
I dont know how old you are. I know when I was in my early 20's I was with my ex husband and he was an alcoholic and drug addict. I wound up pregnant and we got married, but only stayed married a few years. My son is in high school and I have to tell you he has been VERY hurt in his life by a relapse his dad had after 15 years of sobriety (almost all of my sons life at that point) He became homicidal towards his dad and then suicidal all in one day and had to be admitted to inpt treatment for a week due to the "breakdown" so to speak. This is from a child who was emotionally stable prior to watching his dad deteriorate over a period of time from relapse. (he is clean now thank gawd)
If you do not currently have children with him, you really might want to think about if you want to tie yourself up with an addict for life (ie if you got pregnant). Addicts dont get "cured" they "recover" and then they have to deal with what got them there and stay on top of it to stay clean after the initial detox. It's not an easy life by any means. For the addict or the partner.
With that said, and after watching ALL of the above, I became addicted to pain meds after an injury. I know I used the meds to escape some of the above, and all I did was almost cost my son another parent and more heartache. I've got tons of guilt for doing what I did with what I knew. I was so STUPID! I have NO excuse.
If you already have a child then if you want to help him, it's an investment in the child's future. Like Mike said above, recovering people need support, just like we all do.
I just wanted to throw out my story so that you could really think about your future. I didnt listen to anyone when I was young. I had to learn the hard way. (HARD being the operative word here)
I hope your bf does find sobriety and recovery. The life of an addict usually ends in either quitting, dieing, or going to jail. Please take care of yourself. We do care here!
Avatar universal
Thanks MizDemeanor.  I am only 26 and he is 36.  We dont have any kids thank god!. I could not imagine going through all this with a baby.  But what you said above is the reason i am so confused.  Because i do want kids, a lot of them and can i risk putting them through this there entire life but i do love him so much, the thought of kicking him out makes me sick.  
Avatar universal
Hey girl, I just wanted to say I know how you feel.

Look at this way. No one is going to take care of you but you. You are ahead of the game because you are not married and don't have kids.

Let me tell you -- the lying will not stop. If you let him stay, just be prepared that it can and will most likely happen again.

I can only tell you what I think, having been in the position. My husband has been doing coke a ton and I caught him 3 times, the fourth time kicked him out. But I have two kids ages 2 and 4, so running off isn't as easy. I am 29, so I feel ya.

His first challenge is getting off that s***. It is so addictive and the withdrawal will hurt. Be prepared to be blamed, hurt, frustrated, and driven to your wits end.

By the same token, addicts are NOT a piece of trash and deserve to be thrown out. However, someone can only get clean if THEY want to get clean. And by letting him stay you are enabling him. Basically, you're saying, "Okay, you're screwed up, but you can still live here."

Unfortunately, I went the hard route and kicked him out finally -- and it got way worse before it got better.. He binged and came home high. But we are 10 days coke free, and as sad as that is, at least it's a start.

Try to get him at least to a Narc Anon meeting (google NA meetings). Again, you can't help him if he doesn't want help. Al Anon are meetings that support you.... I haven't been to one yet, as I have so little time, but they are supposed to be good.

I know the NA meetings really helped open up my husband's eyes. Another thing is triggers -- who he hangs out with and where he does it.

But first things first. He needs help. And you need to evaluate if it's worth it to you. :)

Hope this helps!
Avatar universal
Thanks Lexie,
I did ask him yesterday if he would go to a meeting and he said yes, so lets see if he will really go.  It really is sad because he is a good person and we get along so well.  I just dont understand how he can do this to himself and me.  Its comforting know you understand how i feel, yesterday i just felt so alone in this.  I cant talk to anyone about it.  My family and friends would kill me if they knew what was going on, so i am trying my best to keep it all in but i really think i am gonna have a break down.  Also when i see him i look at him and feel so angry, and it is hard not to be short with him. Is that normal? I just want to shake him and make him see what he is doing to himself and me. Am I crazzy?
Avatar universal
I compeletely understand the frustration. My husband and I have gotten into physical fights over this. It makes me crazy!!! I feel like he has total disregard for me and, more importantly, my kids. Against my husband's wishes, I told my mom about it, and it's really easy for someone to say "RUN!" when you love them -- and in my case, I have kids, a house, bills, etc etc. We have had our problems but this just far surpasses them, and it is so hard. He needs to realize how this is affecting you.

Last week, I had a sort of "nervous breakdown" and it really scared him. I think he finally realized how it was affecting other people and not just him. But the drugs make you lie. It's just how it is. It's warped logic. They don't see it.

I understand how you feel. I wish I could send you my email if it wasn't posted! I don't know if we are normal... but I definitely sympathize! I keep thinking about it, obsessing, and talk to him about it, he gets frustrated... it's horrible.

228936 tn?1249094248
I don't mean to sound insensitive but you may want to move on. Narcotic addiction like heroin is often a lifelong thing and junkies like I was don't change for people they love. all the best
Avatar universal
i disagree, i am a life long addict to cocaine, and i have to believe it is possible for us to take back control of our lives. it is not easy, it is not fun,it IS hard work, perseverence, and a dedication to staying clean. my wife loves me, sometimes i know she cant stand to look at me either!! but it gets better every day, and with this forum in my life she is starting to see changes that she thought she would never see.NA helps me alot, and i know it can help him if he wants it!! but he does have to make life changes.he will get frustrated, angry , and down right mean sometimes. but if he is staying clean, all these things will start to "peel away" as he grows further away from addiction. i know alot of people are saying run, but if something is tellin you to keep fighting , then fight for ur man.. he is in there , under a pile of sh*t , waiting for something to bring him back. i agree you cant enable him, no more of lettin it slide when he uses!! in NA he will learn about accountability. i still think some co-dependent meetings would help you , especially if you are gonna fight for him. im guessin when he is not using he has a biggg heart, am i right? good luck, many prayers , and much love....
Avatar universal
Yes newmanagment you are right, when he is not using he does have the biggest heart. That makes all this even harder.  When i look at him i am so angry and hurt that i just wanted to start screaming at him even when i know he is not high.  I cant help it.  Some one else yesterday was telling me about the co-dependent meetings.  I never heard of them before.  I will have to search the internet to see if they have them on long island.  What do you guys think about asking him to take a drug test once a week.  They have the ones you can do at home.  Its the only thing that i can think of that will give peace of mind and know if he is lieing or not.  Are they accurate?
390416 tn?1275185087
There is a book called "Codependent No More" by Melodie Beatty.
Talks about co-dependency, boundries, etc...a great read!!!

Sorry you're going thru this...keep posting!!!
228936 tn?1249094248
I said that hard core junkies like I was don't or can't stop for those they love. That doesn't mean that love is not enough or they all can't. Some few can stop for a love one but most hard core junkies like I was can't and feel terrible about that. After a certian time of doing hard narcotics, they sort of hyjack your brain. You want to desperatly quit for a wife or your family but often can't . This is the sad fact. all the best
Avatar universal
Well I dont know what to say.  Last night my boyfriend was out untill 1am and said that he was at his friends house watching a movie. by the time he got home i was already asleep but he did not even wake me up to tell me he was home.  I cant stand this.  I was thinking of calling the friend to see if he was really there or not, but if he finds out that i called the friend he will freak out. Also there was a bunch a dialed numbers on his cell that i have never seen before.  Do you guys think i should call his friend or no?
424675 tn?1260541350
I dont think you should call the friend.  Your slowly getting sucked into a codependant relationship ~ thats where your addict boy friend is YOUR addiction.  If I were you, being so young and NOT married, I would tell him to move out.  I know it sounds harsh, but the further you get involved in this lifestyle of waiting, hearing the lies, struggling to believe the lies, being suspicious, asking for drug tests, going thru his sh!t, . . . . is that the way you really want to live? Maybe you could tell his family, his parents or his siblings.  toxictome has recommended to you an excellent book!! please read it and please do yourself a favor and tell him its time to move out.  The sooner he gets out of your environment the more peace your are going to have.  peace . . .:)
228936 tn?1249094248
You need to accept that he is doing dope and probably won't stop unless something really bad happens. I was just like him and I can tell you you need to think about yourself and not as much about him. all the best
Avatar universal
Sounds familiar to me. My ex used to go out for "smokes" and come home the next day with no paycheck (friday night) He would go so far as to get down on his knees and cry and beg me to give him one more chance. Now that Im older and more experienced I know he was hurting and after being addicted to pain meds and knowing the things *I* did to people I understand how he felt better than I did then. Boy do I regret all the things I said in anger "junky piece of ****" etc.
With that said, I still do not think it is a good idea to stay with him unless you want a life filled with chaos, lying, and worry. The other thing I know is that you wont leave until something either really bad happens, or you decide that you cant live like that anymore. He wont quit til he either hits a hard rock bottom or goes to jail, etc. You might want to look up Al Anon meetings in your area. They are the group that deals with the families of addicted people. Just reading your story has brought up hard, painful memories for me from 18 years ago. I feel your pain. Please....try to think of your future. Can you live like this for the rest of your life? If you stay with him, you very well may have to.
I wish my post was more what you want to hear. I know its so hard. Please take care of yourself.
Have an Answer?
Top Addiction Answerers
495284 tn?1333894042
City of Dominatrix, MN
Avatar universal
phoenix, AZ
Learn About Top Answerers
Didn't find the answer you were looking for?
Ask a question
Popular Resources
Is treating glaucoma with marijuana all hype, or can hemp actually help?
If you think marijuana has no ill effects on your health, this article from Missouri Medicine may make you think again.
Julia Aharonov, DO, reveals the quickest way to beat drug withdrawal.
Tricks to help you quit for good.
For people with Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD), the COVID-19 pandemic can be particularly challenging.
A list of national and international resources and hotlines to help connect you to needed health and medical services.