Aa
Friends-----Who knew?
Friends,
I lost my spark and this is what happens when you abuse. It takes every single joy from your life. Who knew? I really didn't and took hydros (vicodin) for pain. I never thought this would happen to me. I didn't realize it robs you of your happiness, your deep down happiness. The happiness that is just YOU, everything YOU like to do. If you ever want to take another pill now, I just really don't know what to say. I have never felt this way until my drug abusE. I have had a few days to reflect on this. I am not giving up at all and just sad to realize the truth. I hurt myself in a way I had never imagined.
Tim
I lost my spark and this is what happens when you abuse. It takes every single joy from your life. Who knew? I really didn't and took hydros (vicodin) for pain. I never thought this would happen to me. I didn't realize it robs you of your happiness, your deep down happiness. The happiness that is just YOU, everything YOU like to do. If you ever want to take another pill now, I just really don't know what to say. I have never felt this way until my drug abusE. I have had a few days to reflect on this. I am not giving up at all and just sad to realize the truth. I hurt myself in a way I had never imagined.
Tim
I understand completely. The pills change us. We are one person before they came into our lives, then we change, and after we eventually stop, we come out the other side changed people. Some of us reflect more upon this than others, I think. I'm also a reflector. I feel terror and SO MUCH SADNESS sometimes when I think of how much I've lost over the past 10 years or so....how much of my children's childhood I've missed....how much of my marriage (almost a decade!!!)....how much of my happiness....how much of ME. We do not realize it at the time. The pills deceive us. They lull us into thinking we have super lives. We feel good. We love those pills. They are our savior. Then, by the grace of God if we CAN quit, reality comes back to slap us in the face. We're clearheaded once again, and we realize what the pills have done. They were not our savior at the time but rather the devil. How can we go through something like that and NOT become changed? We can't. They DO change us. We can never totally recover what we might have lost......but we can recover and rejoice for that recovery and create a new and better life. Remember, the only constant in life is change......even for non-addicts! Happiness DOES come back. Pleasure DOES come back. Joy and contentment DOES come back. It just takes some time.....and we have to be patient and by the grace of God, we WILL experience all of that again.....
Tim, hang in there. I hear ya loud and clear. You didn't even have to post again to "explain" yourself. I knew immediately what you were saying the first time around. But you've come SUCH a long way already in a short period of time. You have the rest of your life to experience joy and happiness again. You will. Just keep the faith and the hope. It's ok to mourn the loss of what we had/who we were.....but we need to also praise the fact that we're where we are today....and look forward with anticipation to what God has planned for our future....
Keep pluggin' away. You sound awesome. God has not forgotten about you. He WANTS you to experience joy again. Don't try so hard to find happiness. You know how that old saying goes. If you chase it, it will always be elusive, but when you stop chasing it, it will come softly, quietly to you......just like a butterfly..... (or something like that, you know what I mean, right? it's that old saying, blah, blah, blah......but it's true!!! :-)) Ok, I'm rambling now, but I just had to post to you and Shelby and grievingwidow, in particular. Reading your posts was like looking into a mirror for me.
Blessings, you guys. Love ya..... K.
Tim, hang in there. I hear ya loud and clear. You didn't even have to post again to "explain" yourself. I knew immediately what you were saying the first time around. But you've come SUCH a long way already in a short period of time. You have the rest of your life to experience joy and happiness again. You will. Just keep the faith and the hope. It's ok to mourn the loss of what we had/who we were.....but we need to also praise the fact that we're where we are today....and look forward with anticipation to what God has planned for our future....
Keep pluggin' away. You sound awesome. God has not forgotten about you. He WANTS you to experience joy again. Don't try so hard to find happiness. You know how that old saying goes. If you chase it, it will always be elusive, but when you stop chasing it, it will come softly, quietly to you......just like a butterfly..... (or something like that, you know what I mean, right? it's that old saying, blah, blah, blah......but it's true!!! :-)) Ok, I'm rambling now, but I just had to post to you and Shelby and grievingwidow, in particular. Reading your posts was like looking into a mirror for me.
Blessings, you guys. Love ya..... K.
I am feeling much better today. I think that with me it is everything now and sometimes have little patience. I do feel that we will return to our old selves and it will take time. The foolish thing that I did (taking more pills) really didn't help me at all. It just depressed even more. If you think that taking some pills is going to magically change you back to your former self, you are sadly mistaken. Today I pick myself back up and work on the task at hand. Staying off these miserable yellow pills and working towards a happier future.
I love you all and pray for you. I know we can do it.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love to you and yours,
Tim
I love you all and pray for you. I know we can do it.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Love to you and yours,
Tim
Tim. It happens, and ii'm here to listen along with the others. I.m sorry that you're in a bad way. All I know is you are in good company. cathy
I hear you brother! It takes a while to find that happiness in YOU.Hang in there.YOU will come back .it just takes a while.only an addict can know that feeling of emptiness.Ive had it for years.every time I come back i tend to screw up again.and start over.I have learned this time though.i think.
Aww, Tim, honey...it is ok. Please, we are here for you. I too, was just saying, how I cannot believe how these drugs literally take over everything that is YOU...All that you love, trust, hope for...all diminshed by these pills. Everything about my life that I loved, was lost due to my habit...Ughh..it is such a crazy life for an addict. Just know that we are here, for you and that we love you and support you in every desicion you make.
I am not understanding thouroughly, did u take the meds?
Lisa
A million hugs to you...Tim...
I am not understanding thouroughly, did u take the meds?
Lisa
A million hugs to you...Tim...
Tim... you will get your joy back.
I DO understand how you feel.. I've had those days where I SWEAR I will never be the same. Thank God I've also had a few where the old me was back.. and in moments, felt true joy.
It's not gone buddy. Your joy is not gone.
I also believe it's this tough stuff that will eventually make the beauty and good things in your life that much more appreciated, that much more... joyful.
Maybe this is all a gift in disguise, to all of us ... so we just don't barrel through life anymore, not truly appreciating - all the time - the gifts we really have.
You'll be back to the ol' Timmy Tim Tim. I promise. It's just a bad day.
luv,
mj
I DO understand how you feel.. I've had those days where I SWEAR I will never be the same. Thank God I've also had a few where the old me was back.. and in moments, felt true joy.
It's not gone buddy. Your joy is not gone.
I also believe it's this tough stuff that will eventually make the beauty and good things in your life that much more appreciated, that much more... joyful.
Maybe this is all a gift in disguise, to all of us ... so we just don't barrel through life anymore, not truly appreciating - all the time - the gifts we really have.
You'll be back to the ol' Timmy Tim Tim. I promise. It's just a bad day.
luv,
mj
oooohhhh i understand hon.I beleive it robs us all of what we once enjoyed, but I think it can be gooten back to a degree. By not taking things in life for granted,
My best friend found out she has breast cancer, which really makes you think how precious life really is. Last week it was soooo hot here my athsma flaired up bad. Really bad. Not to take things for granted In my case right down to my breath and the air I breathe. Life 's too short we as addicts must think of ways to regain that lust for life we once had. Very good point Tim. You've got me thinking.
My best friend found out she has breast cancer, which really makes you think how precious life really is. Last week it was soooo hot here my athsma flaired up bad. Really bad. Not to take things for granted In my case right down to my breath and the air I breathe. Life 's too short we as addicts must think of ways to regain that lust for life we once had. Very good point Tim. You've got me thinking.
I did take some of the pills yesterday and I knew that no more would come. Why lie? I took all 9 yesterday after all the clean time. I panicked when taking the last 4 because that was it. I made a promise to my boys and followed through. It felt like a scene that I was participating in. I just know that it isn't about the pills anymore, it is about the damage they have done to me. I was a different person before taking these pills for the first time. I used to have so much happiness in the simple pleasures of life.
God Bless,
Tim
God Bless,
Tim
Hey!!
Are you ok?? Email me if you want to. I just wanted to say that you HAVENT lost your spark. You are well on your way to getting it back again. Although the physical w/d may be gone, your body is still getting used to functioning without pills. It took a good two months for me to start feeling "happy" and "excited" about all the things that I used to enjoy. I love to ski, and when I quit in Dec, I went skiing a few times between then and the end of Feb. It was ok, but I wasn't excited, per say, about it, like I used to be. Now, six months later, I CANT WAIT to ski again!!!
Please believe me, you will get that spark back. It takes time and patience. Some days, I would feel like I would never get excited again, or happy about playing sports or whatever...It does come back.
Hang in there!! Did you go out on the boat today and not enjoy it as much as you used to?? That's normal. It'll get better. If you stay clean, next year at this time, you'll be telling me you can't wait to do those things.
I'm here if you need to talk!!
Are you ok?? Email me if you want to. I just wanted to say that you HAVENT lost your spark. You are well on your way to getting it back again. Although the physical w/d may be gone, your body is still getting used to functioning without pills. It took a good two months for me to start feeling "happy" and "excited" about all the things that I used to enjoy. I love to ski, and when I quit in Dec, I went skiing a few times between then and the end of Feb. It was ok, but I wasn't excited, per say, about it, like I used to be. Now, six months later, I CANT WAIT to ski again!!!
Please believe me, you will get that spark back. It takes time and patience. Some days, I would feel like I would never get excited again, or happy about playing sports or whatever...It does come back.
Hang in there!! Did you go out on the boat today and not enjoy it as much as you used to?? That's normal. It'll get better. If you stay clean, next year at this time, you'll be telling me you can't wait to do those things.
I'm here if you need to talk!!
I am going to lay down and just recoup. I am not good for anything right now and this will pass.
thanks to you all
Tim
thanks to you all
Tim
Tim,
That is normal!!!!!
It has been 6 months since I have quit Phenobarbital, which was the hardest (barbitituate and drug) I ever had to quit in my life!
After 6 months, my life is finally starting to roll around again!
I know what your feeling, and that joy and happieness DOES COME BACK!
Trust ME Brother, I know that we all want to speed up the process, and get our life back to where it was, but in what you did was remarkable! - But you have to take the bad, while your body continues to heal, and it WILL GET BETTER...
Don't beat yourself up, or be so hard on yourself over this. It is 100% normal, to feel like this and want your life back as you knew ASAP, but it does not work that way! You will get it back, it just takes time!
Tim, don't be so hard on yourself! You are at almost 1 month, and that is remarkable! - But, it will take you a couple of months to get your life back as you once knew it!
I went through the same think w/ Phenobarbital and Alcohol....
So, please my freind, don't let your emotions beat yourself up! Your doing great! Just keep hanging on, and...
YOUR LIFE WILL Return back to you as you once knew it to be!
I have a LOT of LOVE for You! - If you want to talk, you know you can talk with me anytime you want!
Your friend always!!!
God Bless You!
Todd
That is normal!!!!!
It has been 6 months since I have quit Phenobarbital, which was the hardest (barbitituate and drug) I ever had to quit in my life!
After 6 months, my life is finally starting to roll around again!
I know what your feeling, and that joy and happieness DOES COME BACK!
Trust ME Brother, I know that we all want to speed up the process, and get our life back to where it was, but in what you did was remarkable! - But you have to take the bad, while your body continues to heal, and it WILL GET BETTER...
Don't beat yourself up, or be so hard on yourself over this. It is 100% normal, to feel like this and want your life back as you knew ASAP, but it does not work that way! You will get it back, it just takes time!
Tim, don't be so hard on yourself! You are at almost 1 month, and that is remarkable! - But, it will take you a couple of months to get your life back as you once knew it!
I went through the same think w/ Phenobarbital and Alcohol....
So, please my freind, don't let your emotions beat yourself up! Your doing great! Just keep hanging on, and...
YOUR LIFE WILL Return back to you as you once knew it to be!
I have a LOT of LOVE for You! - If you want to talk, you know you can talk with me anytime you want!
Your friend always!!!
God Bless You!
Todd
honey, if you took the 9 yesterday, then today is probably not the best day to analyze, fix, ruminate, or anything. you won't be thinking too clear...
rest up, and the battle will begin again tomorrow!!!!
you got the troups behind ya!
xox
mj
rest up, and the battle will begin again tomorrow!!!!
you got the troups behind ya!
xox
mj
Hey Brother,
I just emailed you!
What's going on? Are you just having a rough time, or did you take one of those hydro's that you found?
If you want to talk here, I will stay on, or if you want to talk of line, shoot me an emial and lets talk about it
WERE ALL HERE FOR YOUR SUPPORT Brother!
Love to ya,
Todd
I just emailed you!
What's going on? Are you just having a rough time, or did you take one of those hydro's that you found?
If you want to talk here, I will stay on, or if you want to talk of line, shoot me an emial and lets talk about it
WERE ALL HERE FOR YOUR SUPPORT Brother!
Love to ya,
Todd
Tim,
Marca well said!
Read my Post above!
Whether you took you hidden stach or whatever....keep going!
Get some rest if you need it! Email us, Post us..
It is 100% normal, do not let a stupid drug stop you from fighting for what you want back in you life!
SO WHAT..if you took the last of your hidden stach...What is more important?
If all of were to throw the towel in everytime, we slipped, we would never make it out of any of our addictions!
So, LET IT GO!!!!!!!!! Don't beat yourself up! Get some rest, than get up, dust yourself off, AND KEEP GOING!
Your Life will come back, EVEN if you did slip!
EMAIL ME, or ANYONE else at anytime, and KEEP POSTING!
I'll be praying for you! You CAN NOT LET to Give Up,,,,,NEVER GIVE UP...!
I LOVE YOU BROTHER, You know that!
Talk to me when your settled!
Tim, I'm always here for you, and do not let a slip stop you!
Your a Big Inspiration Here to all of us!
God Bless You - AND YOU...Keep fighting the Good Fight!
Love,
Todd
Marca well said!
Read my Post above!
Whether you took you hidden stach or whatever....keep going!
Get some rest if you need it! Email us, Post us..
It is 100% normal, do not let a stupid drug stop you from fighting for what you want back in you life!
SO WHAT..if you took the last of your hidden stach...What is more important?
If all of were to throw the towel in everytime, we slipped, we would never make it out of any of our addictions!
So, LET IT GO!!!!!!!!! Don't beat yourself up! Get some rest, than get up, dust yourself off, AND KEEP GOING!
Your Life will come back, EVEN if you did slip!
EMAIL ME, or ANYONE else at anytime, and KEEP POSTING!
I'll be praying for you! You CAN NOT LET to Give Up,,,,,NEVER GIVE UP...!
I LOVE YOU BROTHER, You know that!
Talk to me when your settled!
Tim, I'm always here for you, and do not let a slip stop you!
Your a Big Inspiration Here to all of us!
God Bless You - AND YOU...Keep fighting the Good Fight!
Love,
Todd
Tim,
You'll have to go above, when you get back, and get your thread Hug form all of us!
Love,
Todd
You'll have to go above, when you get back, and get your thread Hug form all of us!
Love,
Todd
Hi sweetie - I know exactly what you mean. I feel like I lost my youth to these pills. I was high for a decade - I cannot believe I wasted 10 years of my life. Life is so short - what the hell was I thinking? You know what though - this addiction/disease is just that. It is not something that is easily cured. We are literally battling for our lives against this monster - and it is so easy to lose sight of reality. When you take the pills nothing else matters. I hate everything about drugs. It does rob us of who we are. I get so angry thinking about it. I just thank God now that all of us here have come to realize what they were doing to us. I know our fight is not over yet but we are going to beat this Tim. Together we can do this! I don't care if you slipped - you get back up and start again. I cannot believe how close I feel to the people on this board and the bond I feel. I am here for you. Anything you need - just ask.
Love ya darlin',
Shelby
Love ya darlin',
Shelby
I hear you Brother...
Damn, been doing a lot of reflecting back on my life and just now realizing how stupid I have been. It is a miracle that I am alive and appear 'normal' after an accident I had when I was 16, haven't talked about it cause most people would just think I was full of it. When I feel like writing a novel sometime I'll post it..
But after reflecting I realized something, I figured it out. So many people don't figure it so I feel lucky.
steve
Damn, been doing a lot of reflecting back on my life and just now realizing how stupid I have been. It is a miracle that I am alive and appear 'normal' after an accident I had when I was 16, haven't talked about it cause most people would just think I was full of it. When I feel like writing a novel sometime I'll post it..
But after reflecting I realized something, I figured it out. So many people don't figure it so I feel lucky.
steve
What about your family members that have lost their youth because of you. How do we forgive you for that? How do we keep trying to not hate you?
goods points dudle. sometimes it is not possible to get everyone you love and everyone you hurt to love you back, and some people who have hurt me in the past I have not forgiven. trying to make amends is the first part, living the new life is second, and count your blessings for those who have choose to forgive you. sometimes time heals, sometimes actions, sometimes nothing will bring someone back, another lesson learned. Nothing is stronger than a parents love for their child, if a person is trying to be better it might be worth it to give it a chance.
Tim;
You don't know me but I understand 'cause I'm having those same regrets. I guess I'm "lucky" in that I've 'only' been using for the last 2 years when my youngest got out of high school, but my family knows and feels that I'm not 'in the room' even if I am. I could barely function. My husband I think suffers the most, because he's aware of how much I take but not really understanding of what it does and how indirectly I have shortchanged our life together.
He wants to get out of the house when we have time together and I'm usually not up to it; stomach problems, nausea from either going through w/d symptoms or nausea cause I took too much and my body is yellin' at me. He's always loving and supportive because he feels if its Dr prescribed it's not my 'fault'. I'm ashamed to tell him it is. Everything is a blur for me; I even went on a once-in-a-lifetime-cruise with my hubby and the only real memories are from looking at the pix I took. I spent most of the time in our cabin because I didn't have enough meds with me and was trying to make them last through the trip....so I had tummy cramps and bathroom problems.
I know I'm addicted. I lack strength to admit it until I got here. Now I have to go public and find a meeting and how?? do I get the strength to do that? I called my (adult) kids together last week and told them I thought I was addicted and I was ashamed. Now I'm out of meds again and feeling horrible and know I have the next five days ahead of me but can't get anything done.
So you are not alone in feeling loss, sadness, etc. about what the pills are doing/have done to your mind.
You don't know me but I understand 'cause I'm having those same regrets. I guess I'm "lucky" in that I've 'only' been using for the last 2 years when my youngest got out of high school, but my family knows and feels that I'm not 'in the room' even if I am. I could barely function. My husband I think suffers the most, because he's aware of how much I take but not really understanding of what it does and how indirectly I have shortchanged our life together.
He wants to get out of the house when we have time together and I'm usually not up to it; stomach problems, nausea from either going through w/d symptoms or nausea cause I took too much and my body is yellin' at me. He's always loving and supportive because he feels if its Dr prescribed it's not my 'fault'. I'm ashamed to tell him it is. Everything is a blur for me; I even went on a once-in-a-lifetime-cruise with my hubby and the only real memories are from looking at the pix I took. I spent most of the time in our cabin because I didn't have enough meds with me and was trying to make them last through the trip....so I had tummy cramps and bathroom problems.
I know I'm addicted. I lack strength to admit it until I got here. Now I have to go public and find a meeting and how?? do I get the strength to do that? I called my (adult) kids together last week and told them I thought I was addicted and I was ashamed. Now I'm out of meds again and feeling horrible and know I have the next five days ahead of me but can't get anything done.
So you are not alone in feeling loss, sadness, etc. about what the pills are doing/have done to your mind.
First to Tim: You are speaking of my greatest fear, that there will be no chance of happiness even after we stop the pills for good. I have heard some people say that your brain is forever changed, well especially for me, it has been 20 years! That is a long time - God I am afraid I am a lost cause.
Now to pacnwgrl: I have recently admitted my addiction to my grown children who of course told me that they had already figured it out. I am so sorry that you were unable to enjoy your cruise but I can totally understand your situation. Whenever I even think of planning anything for the future - my mind first goes to: will it be before time for my next refill, what if I run out during the trip? The only plans I make revolve around my next refill, I just make it month to month. I have relief for the first week or two after my refill, then the last days are spent trying to make sure I don't run out early.
What a life, huh? Sometimes I think the only way out I will be free of this way of this life of an addict that I now lead will be when I am dead and gone. I have told my kids that if anything should ever happen to me, to at least know that I am finally "free" and to be glad for that. When I looked at my husband laying in the coffin, one of my first thoughts was "Honey, you are finally free". He was only addicted as a result of his chronic illness and real need for medications, not like me. But he was still addicted just the same.
I don't know what is going to become of us all in the long run, but I have not lost all hope yet.
Love, Cindy
Now to pacnwgrl: I have recently admitted my addiction to my grown children who of course told me that they had already figured it out. I am so sorry that you were unable to enjoy your cruise but I can totally understand your situation. Whenever I even think of planning anything for the future - my mind first goes to: will it be before time for my next refill, what if I run out during the trip? The only plans I make revolve around my next refill, I just make it month to month. I have relief for the first week or two after my refill, then the last days are spent trying to make sure I don't run out early.
What a life, huh? Sometimes I think the only way out I will be free of this way of this life of an addict that I now lead will be when I am dead and gone. I have told my kids that if anything should ever happen to me, to at least know that I am finally "free" and to be glad for that. When I looked at my husband laying in the coffin, one of my first thoughts was "Honey, you are finally free". He was only addicted as a result of his chronic illness and real need for medications, not like me. But he was still addicted just the same.
I don't know what is going to become of us all in the long run, but I have not lost all hope yet.
Love, Cindy
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