Yesterday was not that awesome. Although I really wanted to stay home I had a class to teach at 6pm and my bitchy students got into a big fight with me over their workload. ::: sigh ::: So far I don't seem to be experiencing many of the symptoms that you guys have mentioned with the exception of my shoulder hurting like crazy and I was very anxious and irritable. I felt like I wanted to pull my hair out or scratch my scalp all day. I was also very squirrely so when my students were having that show down with me it was rough keeping my temper, but I did.
The shoulder pain feels worse today. My body is doing its best to remind me why I took the pills to begin with. I also broke down and sobbed when I took my bath today over a lot of the emotional stuff I'd been numbing myself too with the pills. I'm lucky I was always on such a low dose and never went over maybe 6 pills a day because I'd be having it much rougher otherwise, but it's still been very hard.
I know you guys are right about a positive attitude but I don't have that right now. That's why I made myself flush those pills or I would have taken one by now. I just hurt and ache and I have a report due to a new client so I can't sit in a bath all day or lay in bed and feel miserable. I did take a REALLY long nap this afternoon and that was nice but now I'm back at the computer and my shoulder is punishing me.
I'll be honest, I don't have any hope right now that my shoulder will ever not hurt like this. I just keep trying to remind myself that it hurt even when I took the pills, which is why I kept taking more, so stop craving the stupid things because they don't help. But, you all know and have been there - telling oneself that doesn't make the pain go away.
I have zero access to pills for another two weeks, so like it or not, I'm going to have to cope and get through this.
Thanks for listening everyone, sorry I wasn't more positive today. But you guys are all correct about baths. They really are like a big, snugly detox womb. Weee...
Hot showers and baths are great for the body aches but try to ice shoulder area to take down any inflammation that could be causeing more pain. I always have to ice my back after hot tub for that reason.It may help you-wishing you the best
CUDOS to you for flushing your supply now your ready to do this.....day 1 starts now
first off the best thing you can bring to the table is a positive attitude it will help more then anything else....keep in mind your symptoms are only temporary and will pass in a few days
this is a battle one or lost in ones own mind....it is 1/3 physical 2/3 mental so be ready to fight on both fronts go to the lower right hand side of this page and look up the thomas recipe and get as much of the stff as you can aford...I also recommend highlands restfull legs it helps with the rls if you get it and it only cost a few bucks walmart and wallgreens cary it pick up some gatoraid to replenish your electrolytes....a hot bath go a long way in realeving the symptoms
you may want to rent some movies most of us dont sleep wile detoxing keep posting others will come along with other things that have worked for them ....we all want to see you succeed good luck and God belss.......Gnarly
Ok, this morning I flushed the remaining 20 pills down the toilet and scratched out the refill prescription number on the bottle. I didn't know if I could do it. I stood over the toilet asking myself why I would waste them. Shouldn't I just finish them as I'd planned? Or give them to the husband to hold in case I have a day when I get the awful shooting pains in the center of my neck that won't go away even when I lay down on the floor or take aspirin or anything? What if he needs them around for the occasional pain in his shoulder? (He doesn't take the pills at all, except for the odd day when he's totally jacked up. Maybe that's happened twice in the past 12 months.) But in the end I knew I needed to show myself I could throw them away. It's symbolic, sure. But in the past, every time I have decided to stop doing something unhelpful for me like quit smoking pot in high school, or cloves in college, or using my credit cards or whatever I always have to destroy the object by throwing it out. So down the toilet went the pills. And no, I didn't sneak any first this morning. I guess that makes today the first day with no happy pills.
My only comment...my freakin' shoulder hurts.
Over and out.
I ended up going ct off of 2-3 a day after tappering down for month from 6-7. Its hard but you should just do it now. The scariest part isnt so much thinking about what the withdrawals will be but the actual thoughts of not having those pills. They become so much of a part of your day ,that occupies every waking moment that thinking about not having them anymore is scarey and the sooner you can drop them the better off you will be in the long run. Best of Luck you can do it!!!
ur story sounds familiar ): I see people who post and say they are taking 10, 20 or 30 pills a day and not sure if they can do without them cos of pain. Sometimes I think they r still in denial, cos at that point, it most often is not about pain anymore but about addiction
You have come to terms with it tho, and ur dose is not high...u will do fine as i can tell from ur post u r strong. I never got my habit way outta hand either...but buying them was breaking me as I rarely got many from my doctor. They are very paranoid about rx-ing narcotics where i live, and i guess i am glad of that now. I also have neck/..back issues, plates in my neck and discs that are gone for good. I will admit tho, i no longer used for pain, i used for the way they made me feel.
I am sorry about your house. I have so many friends who are losing their homes as well. I am in arizona right now and it is worse than alabama as far as empty homes,,incomplete neighborhoods where the development just stopped when the bottom dropped out. They had a big housing boom here a few years back, so when it crashed, folks were left with homes they paid $300,000 for that appraise for $100,000 now. 15% of the homes in this country are vacant...it is sad.
I wish u luck and keep posting
You make a good point and I was wondering if drawing down slowly was best or not. My husband was worried for me that if I just stopped it might do damage to my system because I'd been on them for so long, but I think the most I've taken in one day was 8 or 9 5/325mg pills and that was honestly very rare. I think I've been maintaining at something like 4 to 6 pills for the past two weeks. Yesterday when I wrote my initial post I was buzzing along on 5 pills (2 in the am/3 around 2pm) so that's why I wasn't sure if I had been abusing at a level that I should do a little draw down or not. But you do make a very good point that I'm probably just going to drag my misery out. I think over the past year I've run out twice where I had to wait as much as 5 days before I got my next bottle, but I wasn't in the mindset of quitting. I was just feeling poopy while I waited for my salvation to arrive. I don't remember my pain being any better by day 5 of no pills, I remember feeling distinctly miserable with my shoulder. I wonder how long I'll be in such bad pain before it starts to abate. I guess I'll find out!
Thanks for the input - my remaining pills will be meeting Mr. Toilet when I get home.
jackie - you know, you really can just jump off right now. withdrawing from 2 norcos isnt much different than tapering down to one to be honest... and yes, please stop now until you get to where i ended up.. same place as you, but then up to 30+ Norco a day. That's right 30! Sick, but tolerance and addiction are progressively worse and worse and then things get bad and it gets harder and harder to stop. So just keep that in mind - you can just stop now and be over the majority of the acute w/d by monday morning...
the aftercare is so important as many people stress because you can hear and relate to people JUST LIKE YOU - i was in a meeting this morning, hearing similar stories as yours and mine.. i used to shun the meeting in the beginning - thinking i could just "get clean and be ok" - but not address the real issues and of course i kept relapsing. I'm just now finally getting myself on track, and meetings are a vital part of my overall program for getting clean - and i have a lot of things as part of my plan i'm doing different so i don't get sucked back into using pills as a solution.
anyway - just telling you after personally going through w/d so many times- that a taper from 2-1 over a week isnt really that beneficial and is just prolonging the time you are still on them, and you will actually be going through part of the w/d during that taper so not up to your full self anyway... if that makes sense.
whatever you do, you have support here - hang in there and stay positive!
Hi everyone,
Thank you for your responses. I'm so glad I stumbled on this forum, I can tell it's going to be a huge help for me. Last night I told my husband my plan. I've been talking to him about this for a couple months now, off and on, so he's been in the loop. I hadn't told him my latest plan to make myself run out with enough detox time because I had started to feel like I was all talk and no action so this time I'd just DO IT. But reading everyone's stories had a really powerful effect. I'd had sneaking suspicions I was addicted, but after last night I finally knew for sure I was addicted and accepted it. My husband's awesome - he's been threw addiction before when he was younger so he understands - and I know I can count on him to be patient and offer whatever little help he can while I get through this.
With regards to an aftercare plan, I guess I did make a passing comment but in reality I have been putting that in place for two months now. I started seeing a therapist again on a regular basis. My 'emotional crap' is actually pretty profound. My latest drama with my mom dredged up a mountain of pain and memories of abuse from my childhood so I went from maintaining my life before the latest incident to a sh*t spiral in a matter of days. Unfortunately for me, when the drama started up, I had those pills handy and was already addicted to them and everything just kind of exploded. That was a few weeks ago and I've been slowly trying to pick myself up. The spike in my dependency on the norco shocked me. I went from taking maybe 2 or 3 a day, which is the prescribed amount, and having a glass of wine at dinner (I'm a total wine connoisseur, I go to tastings and teach classes on it and everything) to draining a bottle a night and 6 pills a day. Yowsa!
So once I kinda hit the wall, I just thought 'oh crap, here I go again' and immediately started the little 'I need to quit' to 'hmmm maybe I don't wanna quit,' to relapse, to 'god I'm a loser' cycle. I used drugs in high school and successfully quit on my own without an intervention so I know this cycle. The fact that I tried and failed with the vicodin a couple times of the past few weeks made me realize I needed a plan and it needed to be all about addressing the issues that are making me want to use. I still have a few more things to get in place, including the acupuncture, but I am so focused on fixing this now. Its incredible.
This morning all the emotions that I'd started to feel from reading this forum yesterday and realizing just how much trouble I'm in hit me really hard and I broke down and started sobbing in the shower. (Why's it always the shower??) I just wanted to flush the pills down the toilet. I wanted to start the detox now. Now. NOW. It's amazing what this forum did for me in one reading. That little pill went from being my snugly salvation to an enemy combatant. I can only compare it to the way you might feel upon discovered your lover has been banging 10 people behind your back and is HIV positive. You *******!! I thought you loved me! =)
Everything you guys have said about the phantom pain I think is the key to my freedom. I mostly worried about the pain that had brought me to my doctor's office to begin with. The pain I tried to deal with for months by changing desks, changing chairs, getting massages. It took me a while to go ask for medication. What would I do about my very real shoulder pain once I quit? How would I deal? But I'm convinced the severe pain I've felt since I started the drug is very much manufactured by my addiction, even if it wasn't fake to begin with.
I'm just going to assume there are also genuine external causes (occupational wear and tear, bad posture, not enough exercise, psychosomatic stress) and keep working on ways to deal with it. But I agree, I will always crave vicodin, especially once I'm free of my current dilemma and the pain of vicodin addiction fades from my mind. I'm sure that I'll long for the pill as a 'quick fix' or as 'relief' when things get hard and I get the familiar shoulder and back pain from stress. But now that I know its just my brain begging for the high, I think I have the knowledge I need to fight that. And I'll stay involved with this board and maybe go to NA if I really need to. I'm guessing that's why you guys do this right? To keep reminding yourself of the reality of opiates and why you don't want to go back?
In the end, I made myself take one pill this morning and I'm going to make myself take one more tonight. No matter how eager I am to just get this over with I'm sticking to the plan so my withdrawal is a little easier on my system. I've got myself scheduled to take two a day through Sunday and then next week its one a day until the bottle runs dry. After that, the real fun will begin, although I'll be feeling crudy just from drawing down. I'm scared, but I really want to do this.
Thanks again for your stories and support. I'll try to write every day (just not a chapter each time, promise!) just to help me stay on the path.
Jackie
oh and to back up what Vicki said - yes, your brain will play every trick in the book on you to feed its new addiction. Your brain is not working properly and when you take away the pleasure source (opiates) it wants it back because your body has quit producing natural endorphins so it wants them back. Which is why its so hard to stop. And why you need to have a plan for resisting those voices and let your brain heal and get back to normal. This doesnt happen overnight, can take months and in some cases, years. You didnt get hooked overnight -you won't get healed overnight. There are many documented cases of phantom or exaggerated pain the brain plays tricks on you with to justify you taking the pills.
I've literally watched myself do things i swore i wouldnt do like on autopilot - call the dope-man and get pills when i went a week clean and at meetings, and score when the same day i was so proud of not using.. almost like a compulsion or auto-pilot as i said - scary stuff, and you have to have a way of defeating it when the trigger that caused that behavior gets set off....
Hi :-) You are doing the right thing by preparing yourself mentally. I too am a professional woman (41 yrs old) and to look at me you would never know. Fully Funtional. I had to have a hip replacement 11 months ago, but a couple of years prior to that, I just had lots of pain in my groin and never knew what it was... as soon as my orthopedic surgeon did MRI/Xrays etc.. and we realized that I needed a hip replacement, he sent me to a pain specialist who immediatly tripled my 30 pills a month pescription to 90.... The 6 months later, asked me if i still had pain. Well, yeah I still had pain, my hip is full of arthritis. But am scared to death of having that kind of surgery. i hadnt accepted it yet. asnt ready. So he tripled prescription again... I was up to 180 10 mg Norco a month, and I am not even kidding you when I say that I never once asked him to... After I had surgery, I assumed that I woul have to go through Detox from the pills and I was scared to death of the withdrawls, just like you. But guess what? 11 months later and my pain dr. is still giving me 180 Norco a month and he knows my hip has been fixed. NOT ONCE did he ask if I was still in Pain. I was still going to him because it was way too easy. He kept telling me I had nerve damage yet I never did a nerve damage test? How the heck does he know I have nerve damage... Anyways.. going through the same routine as you, taking high dosages, just to get up and function. But feeling lethargic, and no energy. everything about me taht used to be fun, was gone... My boyfriend knew I took the meds, but thought is was on a "as needed" basis... So it had been on my mind for a while, that I needed to quit, but just didnt know where to start. One morning about 2 weeks ago, I randomnly decided to stop taking the..(had about 100 pills in the botttle, in my closet. Hid..why am I hiding my medicine when its prescribed and legal? Because I felt shame and guilt knowing that what I needed to stop) Well, that cold turkey last a whole 14 hours or so, because I had not mentally prepared myself, and I knew that it would be too hard to not take a pill that would take all the withdrawls away.... So I took the next 3-4 days and prepared myself.... and I did it when I knew that I could housebound for a week, withot family and friends, work etc, wouldnt know. I went to my boyfriend and told him how many I was taking and that I wanted to quit cold turkey, starting the next morning. I gave him my pills which he locked up in a safe and so the detox began. Unfortunately at the same time I was detoxing, I had strep throat and was on antibiotics. So it was ugly.. But that was 10 days ago and aside from last night (Random night sweat/shaking etc) I have felt better. I had 2 really good days and then last night sucked. But I hear it takes a while for your body to adjust... So I need to expect this... make sure you prepare yourself with all the products/ Thomas recipe etc.... but just think of it this way.... You are going to get the flu, bad. But its not like you have never had the flu right? And after about 6-7 days.. my energy started to return, and I could start to see clearly again..SLOWLY. i am so much happier now than I have been for the past 3 years on that stupid stuff... You can do it. And making sure your out of meds with plenty of detox time, is brilliant. :-) I applaud you. the sooner you do this, the sooner you will start getting healthy again. For you and for your family. Good luck to you..I am pulling for ya!
another important thing to stress is that just getting past the detox is not the hard part. Really, i know it sounds crazy but its not. I could tough out the withdrawal symptoms, but kept going back to the pills when the little voices called my name - which they will -and you have already reasoned that part of why you have used pills/alcohol is to deal with the situation with the mother/husband/house payments and stress it brought about. So you are using drugs and alcohol as a coping mechanism and it has gotten worse and worse and its affecting your work and you are counting pills, etc.. all which are addict behavior. The point i'm trying to make is that you need to focus on what to do after you stop the pills assuming you do (and i'm all for positivity that you can do it, its just not using AGAIN that is the kicker). Your problems will still be there. If not the same, other ones. That's why the vets with the most clean time stress Aftercare so much. I know you said you had support and you were going to do therapy to deal with your "emotional issues" - but you said it in passing in just one line. Using drugs or alcohol is just a symptom of your problem - which you have stated quite a few issues and stressors in your life.
I suggest you check out an AA or NA meeting nearby. I am a professional guy with degrees and business success and nobody in a million years would think i have had the same problem for years, but it only got worse and escalated with more and more pills because they stop working (tolerance). Going in the rooms of AA showed me i'm not alone - there are many people just like WE (you and me, and everyone here) and there are other ways of coping with the mother, husband, job stress, etc.. than picking up the pills or booze. And the meetings help you see that and provide support. They are proven to work.
I resisted for YEARS that "i don't need that" "i'm not like them" etc... then realized i had to do whatever it took - and now i look forward to the meetings. I've met a lot of great people and i've heard stories just like my own -almost to a T you wouldnt believe... it helps a lot, and also can help you from going back to the pills once you get clean. Because believe me, you will get the urge or temptation - guaranteed - and how you respond to them will dictate whether you stay clean or relapse and are back to where you started...
I can type a lot too ;) Just wanted to share that with you because i didnt see a lot of discussion about aftercare which is really the most important thing. Detox / withdrawal is temporary - the compulsion to use and cravings and the rest is something you will have to deal with for life...
all the best, you can do it and stay positive!
Yes...that's what I'm suggesting: your brain is sending the pain signal intensely to you so you will take the drug. It thinks it's supposed to. Your brain likes the opiate and doesn't want to let it go. You'll find(I'm sure) your pain will increase for a time once you stop the pills. Then it will settle down. It is facinating how that works...
I always like to support the doctors just a little bit. I think for the most part they're all trying to help...I like to believe that. It's my fantasy...LOL But,I know exactly what you're saying and I agree with you in theory. I'm like Baker...I could charm an rx from anyone back in the day. I'm not proud of that....
Good luck and keep posting as things come up...great people here!
I Agree with you in a way. Some(not all) drs are like legal drug dealers. Yes, I did go see my doc knowing what I wanted prescribed. I basically told her what I have tried for my minimal pain(could have won an Oscar for my acting at my appointment)but it was way too easy to get the script. It's just a shame that so many people have a problem with pharmaceutical drugs and drs get a nice kick back for scripting them out.
Thanks Vicki! Good advice. =) So you are saying perhaps my body is *intensifying* this shoulder pain to prompt me to take the pill? I know my brain kinda demands it, but you're suggesting the addiction is manipulating me that way too? If that is what you mean I can't help but be both fascinated and horrified by the idea! Clever brain.
Just to clarify my parting comment; I don't blame the doctors for my personal behavior. However, after spending hours on this forum and hearing a lot of stories over the years I can't help but see a systemic issue here. I do think doctors are way to liberal with providing access to very powerful drugs and I think they are too quick to prescribe them instead of urging patients to homeopathic solutions. Flash back to a year and half ago with me crying in my doctor's office. If she had simply sent me home with a 5 day prescription and a referral to a physical therapist instead of a pain specialist, would I be here now? I only had to see that pain specialist once and that was all it took to be given a chronic pain diagnosis and unending access to this drug. I have some friends that are doctors and they have also basically confirmed this point when they talk about how infested the medical profession is by big pharma. So yes, we are complicit in our addictions, but so are our dealers.
I say all this not to start a big debate, but merely to assure you my comment was meant as a nod to the bigger picture rather than to shift blame.
Thanks again for your support!
Now now don't put all the blame on doctors...LOL
Welcome to the forum! I'm Vicki,I read your post,and you'll be fine. You just need to do it!!
First piece of advice: Cancel that refill. Just call the pharmacy and say" I don't need it,please cancel it forever". You need to do that. It's very liberating #1 and it closes that door #2. Okay?
Yes,once away from the pain meds for a couple of weeks,you'll notice the pain diminish.It's all coming from your brain. Your brain loves those pills,it's hooked,and it will do anything to get that opiate. It will scream at you. Just ignore the screaming. Take Motrin. You'll find OTC's will actually work. I think there's an article about this in the health pages,upper right of this page. Check out the articles in there. They're excellent.
Let's see.....Drink, take vitamins, get some Immodium, hot baths feel great,be patient! You won't feel great overnight but you'll get there.
Seeing that therapist is good! Tell the whole truth! What other support do you have? Husband?
And there's a great bunch of people here...the best!!
hi and welcome, getting yourself prepared for a detox is the best thing you can do, it helps going through it and to keep a positive frame of mind, if you go to the top right hand corner of this page , click on the health pages, you will find the thomas recipe , there arte a lot of things to help you, you can stock up and get down to it, i really wish you well, lots of us have done it, and are now free, take care and god bless.
i would say go for it, flush them - and just prepare yourself with all the things you can do to make withdrawal easier - thomas recipe supplements, plenty of liquid, hot baths, etc... You will do fine and you will be through the physical pretty fast, the sleeplessness will remain and as i said - the MENTAL part will be what you need to focus on the most.
as for pain - i had REALLY bad back pain which got me into all this mess. And shoulder pain. You know what actually fixed it all? A GREAT personal trainer. In the gym, lifting weights and strengthening all the supporting muscles to take the weight off of my back, to strengthen the opposing muscles in my shoulder that were out of balance, all that. And FAST. My trainer worked with people fresh out of back surgery and told me the majority of them didnt benefit much from the surgery but the workouts and strengthening the small supporting muscles makes all the difference in the world. So i got rid of my pain, but couldnt get rid of the painkillers! The point is, there are so many ways to remove pain these days - acupuncture, strength training, yoga, physical therapy - that actually address the source of the pain not just the symptoms that the pills do... I say check something like that out as part of your "getting Jackie better" plan...
best of luck, you can do it and you'll be fine.... positive attitude, your husband's support, exercise actually helps a lot!