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HEROIN WONT LEAVE ME

WHY IS IT AFTER 200 PLUS DAYS CLEAN EVERYDAY NOW FOR A WHILE I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT (IS IT ME (
OR DOES THIS HAPPEN TO EVEYONE SOMTIMES A THINK IM SO WEAK COMPAIRED TO KIM IT JUST WONT LEAVE ME ALONE I SOMTIMES THINK I CAN USE A LIL BUT THERES NEVER A LIL WWITH ME I WAS WONDERING IF AANYONE ELSE THOUGHT ABOUT THERE DOC AS I DO AND IF SO WHAT DO YOU DO TO COMBAT THESE FEELINGS I GO FOR WALKS BUT WHEN I COME HOME ITS HEROIN ON MY MIND AGAIN I CHANGED EVERYTHING DIFFERENT FRIENDS DOING DIFFERENT THINGS BUT IT STILL WONT LEAVE ME ALONE I THINK IM JUST A WEAK PERSON WITH A VERY BAD ADDICTIVE PERSOPNALITY JAMES
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Avatar universal
What happened to the 3 days of being positive we talked about the other day? I agree with the others that your thinking has to change, you beat yourself up almost everyday and have so much self hate. Avis said you have to find other things in your life and it's so true. There has to be something other than dope that makes ya happy and you like doing. We can't change the past James, but we can fix the future and live in the present and be happy.

Focus on you right now and who gives a **** what anyone else thinks, your worth it bud and so is your recovery. Congrats on both you and Kim's clean time. SMILE:)

P.S. Get on that table for Kim and show her how to dance again, haha.

Helpful - 0
1047946 tn?1332608029
James,
I've never really posted to your threads but have read almost all of them. If I say something that offends you I apologize. You can read my other posts so you can see I do my best not to hurt or offend anyone. I just wanted to say this first. I care for everyone on here like they are some of my best friends whether I know them very well or not. We all have something in common and that is addiction. So that makes us one big happy family.
You have to stop bringing yourself down. It's almost like you are looking for someone to say it's okay to go ahead and use.(I do know that is not the case but sure sounds like it). You have worked so hard to get to where you are at. You have done more than almost 90% of the population could do. Most would need inpatient rehab. Right there just shows how strong you are. Right now you need to look out for you. I know how much you love Kim, but you need to look our for you right now in order not to lose Kim. You know if you go back to the H where it will take you. You need to stop worrying about what Kim's mom thinks. The time will come to where you feel comfortable sitting down with her and explaining everything. Right now you seem to weak to be able to do that. All of this isn't about all the people at the party doing drugs. That shouldn't have even been a issue or something even worth mentioning. If it was bothering you that bad you should have told Kim to grab her coat, we don't need to be around people like this. On New Years you said you had to turn off the phone and turn out the lights. You have no reason to hide from these people. If I were in your position I would have left the phone on, left the lights on and if anyone called or stopped by I would have told them I was done using. If they kept pressuring you I would have hung up the phone or shut the door. If they called again I would have said the same thing with my voice being a little more stern. If they would have knocked again, I would have slammed the door in their face and told them to get the f out of here. You can't blame them for your cravings as it seems you are getting them anyways. Granted, it doesn't make it any easier with people offering stuff to you, but you need to face your demons in order to move on in life. If you run in hide it will always be lingering in the back of your head. You need to stop making excuses and blaming it on other people why you get your cravings. You need to learn to deal with the cravings on your own without pointing your finger at someone else. It all comes back to you. What kind of hobbies to you have? You need to find more than by just going on walks. Many times walks can cause cravings due to walking past a house or place where you use to score. One thing that really helps me is jigsaw puzzles. It might sound boring, but it completely takes your mind off of everything. You're too busy looking for the next piece. When I finish one I always frame it and hang it up somewhere. It reminds me of the fight I went through to get clean. I also enjoy woodworking. When I get in a bad mood and just need to relax. I go down in my wood shop and turn a pile of boards in to a shelf, a cabinet, etc. I feel a great sense of well being once I see that pile of wood turned in to something beautiful. ANother thing I do for relaxation is fishing. There's nothing like sitting out on the boat looking at the beautiful water. It's so mesmerizing. You don't need a boat for this as you can do it from the shore. There is also photography. There is reading. Go to a local college and take a art class, a computer class, graphics art class, anything that you think you might enjoy. There are so many different things out there to try. You will find quite a few that you will enjoy. You have to find something that you can do to let your mind wander.
You are very strong and I know this just from the habit you kicked. You need to turn that strength in to other areas of your life. There will always be a time in your life to where you will sometimes think about it even if it's 25 years from now. It will always be in the back of your head. As addicts we need to learn to suppress these thoughts when they try to surface. Sure, it may be easier for some, but we all have the ability to suppress them. You can't just lay down or sit there waiting for them to pass. You need to get up, get moving, and start doing something productive. You have to keep your mind occupied by something else. Eventually you will learn when a craving hits what to do to make it pass. You aren't the only that has to deal with this. Every addict here has the same problem. You just have to learn how to deal with it in other ways. I can tell from your posts that all you do is sit there and dwell on the cravings. You cannot do this!!!! If we all did this the boards would be flooded with posts just like the one you posted above. You can't feel sorry for yourself. You can't expect a pity party. You just have to man up, move forward, and figure out a way to suppress the craving. Craving is part of being a addict and we have to learn to push through. You need to figure out how to push through. Maybe post another post and ask people to list ways on how they deal with their cravings. Maybe for the next few days only post things that are positive. It may make you look at things different. I can assure you that you have plenty of positive things going for you right now. Why don't you let us know about the positive things? Doing this might help you open your eyes and make you realize what you have accomplished. If you always think negative, there will be no positives. If you always think positive thoughts, things will be on the up!
I'm so sorry if I came off harsh James. I've been following your story ever since I got on here and I truly care for you and Kim in your recovery. I want nothing but the best for you. I've just noticed that almost every post of yours I have read has almost always been negative. Only you can change this. Why don't you get on here and just type a list of all the positive things you have going for you. I think you'll be surprised on how long that list it. Once again, I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I only want what's best for you. I want you to be happy!! You are doing a amazing job at your recovery, so keep it up!! I'm proud of you and you should be too!!
Hang in there Buddy. It will get better!!
Your caring friend,
Brian
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
James you say you have changed everything, home, friends etc.  The biggest most important thing you HAVENT changed is your thinking.  You constantly beat yourself up, say you are weak, your not worthy and so on.  We can give you all the support in the world but if you dont start doing something to change this we are all just beating our heads against the wall.  You crave on a daily basis.  I dont understand why you dont want to do something different to change the way you are feeling all the time.  This isnt healthy at all James.  You have 2 choices here, either you chose to finally take a look at yourself and actually do something to make your life better or you can continue to live like you are.  Not much of a choice if you ask me.  James i care about you a ton and i am behind you a 100% and that is why i am saying the things i am.  This is my tough love to you.  Now its time for you to get tough........sara
Helpful - 0
740886 tn?1233717443
You've been a huge inspiration for me to stay clean, 246 days off vikes.  I can't imagine what your addiction to Heroin feels like but the fact that you've got 200 days really says something about your strength.  I loved vikes and they are still haunting me but I feel like a better person now but I am still in conflict.  
Good luck staying clean and keep posting...  Your helping more than just yourself by being on this site....  
take care and happy new year!
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Avatar universal
Hi
I too had a love affair with Heroin and totally understand what you are saying and how you feel. Good on you for admitting how you feel as I could never say it out loud for a long time. People would say how can you like it. H was such a big part of your life and we used it cause we liked it  but hated the lifestyle. So naturally you are going to miss it and think about it. It's like a destructive relationship it's not until you have moved on and replaced it with positive influences that you will realise it is no good. So to me there is no point denying you liked it and miss it, but you don't have to ACT on the feelings. Go and hire some movies, and relax.
God Bless
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
remember the first step!!!! Im at 164 days and still think about it.You have to change the way you think instantly.  As soon as you start to dwell on it get up go do something distract yourself itll pass in a few mins . Be strong and stay clean!! Distract Distract Distract!!!!!  It comes and goes its all different for all of us, some a month some 6 months some a few years.  Good luck and congrats on over 200 days!!!
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
a think you are right 90% wanted to quit and i will be honest i have no touched H for 200 plus days but at times iv wanted too that makes me feel like a loser and no lies again a fell in love wity H she was my no 1 priorety but im hoping my councilor and the na groups can help as can the recovery site but its real hard for me but thanks for being so honest i thank you for that james ps and i need to do more to stop this a guess im no working hard enough at the recovery side,,,,,
Helpful - 0
199177 tn?1490498534
James ,
OK this is going to be tuff love remember the love part cuz its going to be harsh ...

YOU HAVE TO STOP YOU ARE DOING THIS TO YOURSELF.You have to find other things in your life to do and think about you are spending all of your time thinking about heroin and how unhappy you are and guess what that is going to make you think about heroin and be unhappy. I cant even remember that last day you said I had a great day .you have to find piece you can do it there is not a single one of us that are any stronger then you ... When you quit did you want to quit. I mean really want too. not because you new it was the right thing for the family or because Kim was .Did every part
of you know you did not want to touch heroin again .I think there is a part of you that did not want to quit and that's why you have struggled so hard .Feel free to tell me if I am worng thats ok but from the outside thast kind of what it looks like .I care a great deal about you and I am pulling 110% for you. So I want you to look for the cold hard truth do you really want to change your life.The recovery group is back up in running I want to see you posting over there to with others that have been clean for a while they will give you the postive reinforcement you need .

xxxoooxxx
avis
Helpful - 0
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