Hard to see a end to the self destruction

[readytoquit184]

So I'm now 63 days clean.... Though I'm long past the physical withdrawals and most of the lingering mental withdrawals I'm still dealing with the destruction I caused to my life while using oxycodone. I actually created a new problem for my life around 30 days clean. Its amazing how even after sober I'm still self destructive just in different ways. If it wasn't for my mistakes I'd be in such a better place in my life. I knew I'd pay the consequences for my addiction after getting sober but didn't realize to the extent I'd be paying them. I can see why most people relapse.... They just give up after trying so hard to do the right thing and nothing working. I will not give myself the option to relapse (never say never but this is what I pray). I just also pray every night my persistence in trying to better my life for me and my son will pay off because I literally felt like I was having a heart attack today after finally catching the break of a lifetime that could of turned my life around then my past reared its ugly head again. Then there's the sober self destruction .... Why after getting sober do we still make wrong life decisions which destruct our life. I am going to try to be more self aware of how self destructive I can be, even while sober.... But am starting to feel hopeless in having the life I long for. Anyone have these same problems? I haven't posted much at all b/c I've been having so many problems and trying to fix the pas ones as well as the ones I continue to create for myself has kept me spinning in circles.

[brokenspiritandsoul]

I love your answer IBK!  I had been wondering the same thing and no one could seem to make me understand the reasoning!  For some reason, you finally got it thru to me!  Thank you!

[ROSYouralright]

You are not alone in this! I am right there with you.... I am completely Relearning how to live..... It takes time and we can't change the past but we CAN make amends and move forward towards a bright and clean future!!! The hardest part (for me at least) is letting go of past mistakes and forgiving myself...i am at the crawling stage of recovery but each day gets a little easier!! The physical was alot easier than this emotional stuff but WE CAN AND WILL DO THIS!! Congrats on your clean time!! Your doing great!

[IBKleen]

That self destructive behavior is what we know. It is comfortable. We believe that is what we deserve. Crazy as it sounds, we do it. I have been where you are and know what you are feeling. You need to get through this. Using is not an option anymore. You have choices now and you can work to fix the past. Try to slow down and take one thing at a time.

Have you considered some form of aftercare. Maybe counseling where you can learn new behaviors and life skills. I think it would be beneficial for you. If you get to the root of the issues you can face them and change them.

I'm glad you came on and posted. Stick around. It will get better.