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Have to be on pain management but I think I am addicted
I have Degenerative Disk Disease, Bulging Disks, and Arthritis effecting every disk in my neck, and also a couple in my lower back. I fought for years to stay off of pain medication, I just didn't want to take the chance of becoming dependent on narcotics. I had a friend who become addicted to her pain medications and I saw what it did to her, also, until I was 9 years old I lived in a home that was surrounded with drugs. I never wanted to be in that life, and I for sure did NOT want my son to ever have to see the things that I did. Well, I have been on pain management for about 2 years now, they started me out on hydrocodone 7.5 and I am now on Oxycodone 10. The problem is, yes I take it for the pain, but I find myself also enjoying the effects of the medication and tend to over take my medication and run out before it is time to get my medication refilled. I am far from proud of this, I carry the shame and guilt with me everyday. I have talked to my husband about this, and bless his heart he tries to help me. He has taken my medication and locked them in the safe, but I have even gone so far as to wait until he is in the shower and I take his keys and get into the safe and get more of the medication. I am supposed to take 4 pills a day, so each day before he goes to work he sets them out for me. i am at the point that if I could, I would stop taking the medication and go into a recovery program, but without the medication I literally can not move, the pain is overwhelming and way too intense. I can't go to a NA program because I can't go in and say I am sober because I am not, and I also don't want to go in and jeopardize anyone else's recovery talking about how many pills I took that day. It's a very unique situation and I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to get the support I need. I want to learn how to get it back under control so I can take my medication like I need to and not how I WANT to. I never meant for this happen, it was the last thing I wanted. I don't know what to do or where to go for help. If i tell my doctor what is going on, he will stop treating me and where I live, I won't be able to find another pain management doctor. I know most people will say to just suck it up, stop taking the medication, or just find the will power, but it just isn't that easy. My husband knows what I am doing, and he has started keeping his keys on him at all times, so I am hoping that with that, it will end it, because then, there is no way for me to get my hands on the medication to get extra....now I just have to figure out how to handle all the emotions and also how to handle what my body is feeling. I have messed my body up so much now that just taking one at a time doesn't help with the pain, I have to take 2 to help with the pain, and when I only get 4 a day, if I take two at a time, that leaves me with 2 doses, instead of 4...I don't know how to fix that either. So, I know I will get nasty replies about this, but if anyone has any helpful suggestions, it would be greatly appreciated. Thank you
Best Answer
Thank you! I hope I am not being crossing any lines here, but may I ask what your medical condition is and what you do for your pain control then?
I also found another forum that I just joined that seems to be really good and full of information.
http://www.*****************/forums/
I just signed up for it so I will probably spend the day reading through it and reading on here and the HBO site,, so much information, but it is exciting and it really helps to keep my mind off of the meds.
I also found another forum that I just joined that seems to be really good and full of information.
http://www.*****************/forums/
I just signed up for it so I will probably spend the day reading through it and reading on here and the HBO site,, so much information, but it is exciting and it really helps to keep my mind off of the meds.
I wish you nothing but success in this journey. I was not offended nor did I think you were being rude.
On this very long "pain" journey of mine, I, too, was able to take 3 or 4 pills a day for YEARS.....and if I could still take 3 or 4 a day "as prescribed", I'd still be using them for my pain control. At some point in my medical crises that came year after year, I crossed over that invisible line and was no longer able to stick with my "prescribed amount". If you are able to cut back from 10 a day to 3 or 4 successfully.....long term.....I'd say good for you!
And I'm really glad you went to the Pain Mgmt forum and are feeling so much better today~
On this very long "pain" journey of mine, I, too, was able to take 3 or 4 pills a day for YEARS.....and if I could still take 3 or 4 a day "as prescribed", I'd still be using them for my pain control. At some point in my medical crises that came year after year, I crossed over that invisible line and was no longer able to stick with my "prescribed amount". If you are able to cut back from 10 a day to 3 or 4 successfully.....long term.....I'd say good for you!
And I'm really glad you went to the Pain Mgmt forum and are feeling so much better today~
I am sorry, I didn't mean to offend you with my comment of "wasting your time" I wasn't trying to, I was actually trying to be polite. I had felt like maybe I had wasted your time with my questions since maybe this wasn't the place for me is all :) I am very sorry, I wasn't trying to be rude and I am sorry if you took it that way. I am so confused with all of this and just don't know where to go or what to do. But I did take your advice and posted my original post on the Pain Mgmt site and got a great response with great ideas. So I think bouncing back and forth between here and there I will get a lot of great information. I started looking at the HBO site last night as well. The pain mgmt site also gave me hope of getting this back "under control" even though I know that as addicts its thought to not be possible. When i say "under control" I don't mean getting my addiction under control, just my intake under control. Meaning that with the help of my husband, not being able to get my hands on extra and only getting those 4 pills a day. Which yesterday I got my new cycle of meds, and as of this morning I am doing great. I got my 4 pills from my husband and instead of popping 2 like I normally do first thing in the morning, as hard as it was, I only took 1. I am trying to regain my self control, so I think that is what I meant when I said "control".
Also, I know it sounds silly and childish but last night my husband and I sat down and he came up with a "reward program" for every time I reach my daily and monthly goals. One thing I did last night was write down inspirational and hope quotes about addiction and self worth on index cards. I decorated them, which served two purposes last night, it kept my mind off of wanting to take more medication, but I am also going to put these cards up around the house where I can see them. That way every time I think about taking a second pill of my 4 pill ration just because I want that "euphoria" feeling, I will see those cards and I will be reminded of my goal. I also cut up strips of paper and put them in the pill bottle my husband uses to put my pills in. They have my husband and son's names on them, along with reasons for my goal, this reminds too of why I am doing this, and will make me think twice before taking another one too soon. I really only want to take 3 of the 4 pills a day, because I know a lot of times I only need 3 of them and I only take the 4th one for "fun" so my husband said that every day that I only take 3 he will give me a 20 minute neck and back massage which of course serves to help with my pain. Also, every month that I reach my goal and do not over use, he will give me extra money to go play bingo with my best friend. So I know how childish it sounds that at my age I get "gold stars" for good behavior, but it is motivation, and it helps keep me in good spirits. I feel empowered and strong, I really think that I can do this. I know I am stuck in this cycle, but with help from my husband and determination I really think I can take control of this and go from 10 pills a day to at least 4. Plus, what choice do I have, he has the key :)
I think though, just being able to talk about it, finally is a really big help. today is the first time I haven't woken up feeling ashamed. In fact, I feel pretty darn good. So, I guess the motto is "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
Thanks again for your help!
Also, I know it sounds silly and childish but last night my husband and I sat down and he came up with a "reward program" for every time I reach my daily and monthly goals. One thing I did last night was write down inspirational and hope quotes about addiction and self worth on index cards. I decorated them, which served two purposes last night, it kept my mind off of wanting to take more medication, but I am also going to put these cards up around the house where I can see them. That way every time I think about taking a second pill of my 4 pill ration just because I want that "euphoria" feeling, I will see those cards and I will be reminded of my goal. I also cut up strips of paper and put them in the pill bottle my husband uses to put my pills in. They have my husband and son's names on them, along with reasons for my goal, this reminds too of why I am doing this, and will make me think twice before taking another one too soon. I really only want to take 3 of the 4 pills a day, because I know a lot of times I only need 3 of them and I only take the 4th one for "fun" so my husband said that every day that I only take 3 he will give me a 20 minute neck and back massage which of course serves to help with my pain. Also, every month that I reach my goal and do not over use, he will give me extra money to go play bingo with my best friend. So I know how childish it sounds that at my age I get "gold stars" for good behavior, but it is motivation, and it helps keep me in good spirits. I feel empowered and strong, I really think that I can do this. I know I am stuck in this cycle, but with help from my husband and determination I really think I can take control of this and go from 10 pills a day to at least 4. Plus, what choice do I have, he has the key :)
I think though, just being able to talk about it, finally is a really big help. today is the first time I haven't woken up feeling ashamed. In fact, I feel pretty darn good. So, I guess the motto is "I think I can, I think I can, I think I can."
Thanks again for your help!
Sorry your perception of my comments was that you are "wasting anyone's time". I certainly don't feel you are wasting anybody's time. You said "I don't know how to get the support I need" and you are asking for help in getting your pain med use "under control". As addicts on this particular forum, we teach that re-gaining "control" isn't an option if we are an addict which you say you are...and I believe you asked for help in getting back in control of your pain meds.
Everything I shared was in an attempt to help you....to understand addiction and the "stigma OF addiction"....and to give you insight into the fact that once we lose control....and are addicted.....it progresses...(we can never "go back") and we no longer have that option of "control". It may help you to see where you are headed in the future. I know you don't see any other way right now....and you say you are willing to get off the narcotics for pain....but you cannot. That's another reason for visiting the Pain Mgmt area....as maybe you will learn how others are dealing with pain without using a narcotic. You seem to be willing....but feel trapped. I get that for sure!
The Pain Mgmt Community is a wealth of that type of information....from physical therapy, to massage, heat/ice, acupuncture, chiropratic assistance, and other techniques used to manage pain. Whereas.. this particular forum is for addicts who no longer want to continue taking an addictive substance even if they are living in chronic pain.
I would still encourage you to read post after post, not only in this forum where others share how they had to eventually get off pain meds due to the progression of addiction, but also read some in the Pain Mgmt Community. The hbo website I gave you will also help you understand why we can never re-gain "control"....as well as heal your shame/guilt perception of yourself for becoming addicted. You, too, have a need to obliterate the "stigma" so you will understand yourself and other addicts in a different light.
It would also be beneficial to do a "search" and learn about opiate induced hyperalgesia .....many of us who took pain meds for a legit medical condition developed this after taking pain meds for a long period of time.
We actually can end up in MORE pain the longer we put a narcotic pain med into our bodies.
Hope this clarifies some points for you. And I wish you the best always~
Everything I shared was in an attempt to help you....to understand addiction and the "stigma OF addiction"....and to give you insight into the fact that once we lose control....and are addicted.....it progresses...(we can never "go back") and we no longer have that option of "control". It may help you to see where you are headed in the future. I know you don't see any other way right now....and you say you are willing to get off the narcotics for pain....but you cannot. That's another reason for visiting the Pain Mgmt area....as maybe you will learn how others are dealing with pain without using a narcotic. You seem to be willing....but feel trapped. I get that for sure!
The Pain Mgmt Community is a wealth of that type of information....from physical therapy, to massage, heat/ice, acupuncture, chiropratic assistance, and other techniques used to manage pain. Whereas.. this particular forum is for addicts who no longer want to continue taking an addictive substance even if they are living in chronic pain.
I would still encourage you to read post after post, not only in this forum where others share how they had to eventually get off pain meds due to the progression of addiction, but also read some in the Pain Mgmt Community. The hbo website I gave you will also help you understand why we can never re-gain "control"....as well as heal your shame/guilt perception of yourself for becoming addicted. You, too, have a need to obliterate the "stigma" so you will understand yourself and other addicts in a different light.
It would also be beneficial to do a "search" and learn about opiate induced hyperalgesia .....many of us who took pain meds for a legit medical condition developed this after taking pain meds for a long period of time.
We actually can end up in MORE pain the longer we put a narcotic pain med into our bodies.
Hope this clarifies some points for you. And I wish you the best always~
If there was an alternative for me, I would take it, I really would. I would do anything to get rid of this feeling of shame and guilt. I worry so much about what my son might think of me. I am a really good mom, I know that, but because of my past from when I was young before I was adopted, I know what it is like having a mother who is an addict. I don't let this rule my life, I am not dangerous or anything. I never drive while on my meds, I don't allow it to affect my moods, I don't sit around drooling or get "wasted" or whatever. My son knows I am on medication for my pain, but I don't ever want him to know I am an addict. Wow...I hate that word, well I more hate having to use that word to describe myself. Anyways...if there was an alternative I would jump on it in a heartbeat. I am sorry that i took up so much of your time, thank you for the information, and I will stop wasting your time and go to the other forum you linked. Thanks again, and good luck.
Maybe since you are saying you intend to stay on pain meds for your pain, you would feel more at home on a forum we have here on MedHelp called the Pain Management Forum. Here's the link:
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Pain-Management/show/53
Many of us hear on this forum live with daily chronic pain...but as our tolerance to pain meds increased, and our abuse escalated....we found we had to choose to seek alternative ways to deal with our pain other than narcotics. Doesn't sound like that's really where you are at right now, which is why I suggested the Pain Mgmt Community.
I'm sorry you risked sharing at the NA meeting for newcomers and were hurt. Sounds like two things happened: first, no one was sensitive enough to pull you aside and explain that while the purpose of NA is to help the addict that suffers, if you have no intention of getting off narcotics, there would be a better support group for you at this time. Secondly, your personal understanding of the purpose of NA was/is incorrect as well. There may be pain management support groups where you could get the kind of help you are looking for.
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Pain-Management/show/53
Many of us hear on this forum live with daily chronic pain...but as our tolerance to pain meds increased, and our abuse escalated....we found we had to choose to seek alternative ways to deal with our pain other than narcotics. Doesn't sound like that's really where you are at right now, which is why I suggested the Pain Mgmt Community.
I'm sorry you risked sharing at the NA meeting for newcomers and were hurt. Sounds like two things happened: first, no one was sensitive enough to pull you aside and explain that while the purpose of NA is to help the addict that suffers, if you have no intention of getting off narcotics, there would be a better support group for you at this time. Secondly, your personal understanding of the purpose of NA was/is incorrect as well. There may be pain management support groups where you could get the kind of help you are looking for.
Oh and I also did try going to a NA meeting about a year ago when I very first felt like I was losing control of the situation. I found one locally, it was for first timers, when I spoke to the person at the first meeting and explained my situation, in front of everyone I was humiliated and asked not to return when I explained I was on pain management and was unable to go without my pain medication due to the severity of my disease. That it was not my unwillingness to go without the medication, it was my inability to go without it...they said I was not welcome at the meeting because I was never going to get clean since I was never going to get off the pills. Even though I explained several times that I had already tried to go without them and had to be taken to the hospital because my neck locked up and I literally couldn't move, at one time I almost had to call 911, but my best friend was able to finally get me out of bed, and into the car, with a lot of screaming done by me. (I couldn't afford a trip to the hospital by ambulance since at the time it was before I was married and I was a single mom) But anyways, it wasn't a matter of me being unwilling to get off the medication, I would have if I could. It's the simple fact that I am stuck on them, not because of the addiction, but because my body needs them. So they told me not to return, I was not welcome. Which crushed me, because I am actually pretty shy, and I do NOT like confrontation at all. Most of what is wrong with me was caused by abuse from my ex-husband, so I am very shy, and so to say the least, I was crushed when they singled me out like that, and humiliated me in front of the room. I understand "tough love" but that was extreme.
Wow, ok, so that is great, I don't feel so alone now. I do still feel pretty hopeless. I am pretty much just stuck on this then...damned if I do, damned if I don't kind of thing I guess. If i don't take my medication I am in horrible pain, and not because of the withdrawals, that is the weird thing, when I run out early, I never go through withdrawals. The only thing I really experience is maybe a little depression, slight stomach upset, that is all really. But if I don't have medication I literally can't move my neck, and the spinal headaches I get leave me in a fetal position, crying. So I am stuck in the cursed cycle of pain pills, depending on my husband to keep me in line and giving me my 4 pills a day and depending on myself to behave.
I am sorry for what I said earlier, I know that no one ever "plans" to become addicted, especially those of us who are on pain management because our bodies are broken down and we suffer from chronic pain. As if suffering with chronic pain isn't bad enough, having to fight with the pain medication and the eventual addiction we all know is coming is hard. It is a very scary road and I am terrified, but grateful to have someone to travel it with :)
I know that this doesn't make me a bad person, but I am still so very ashamed of it, terrified someone is going to find out my "secret" and you know how harshly people judge "drug addicts" these days. A part of my brain keeps screaming I am not a drug addict, I'm really not, I am just a victim of circumstance, but I hate that word, "victim" when I use it for myself...i don't see myself as a victim. I am glad I found this place though, I can't fix what is wrong with me, but maybe I can learn to cope with it. I guess I can't change this, because I have to stay on the medication, so maybe I can learn how to deal with the emotions I have about it??....
I am sorry for what I said earlier, I know that no one ever "plans" to become addicted, especially those of us who are on pain management because our bodies are broken down and we suffer from chronic pain. As if suffering with chronic pain isn't bad enough, having to fight with the pain medication and the eventual addiction we all know is coming is hard. It is a very scary road and I am terrified, but grateful to have someone to travel it with :)
I know that this doesn't make me a bad person, but I am still so very ashamed of it, terrified someone is going to find out my "secret" and you know how harshly people judge "drug addicts" these days. A part of my brain keeps screaming I am not a drug addict, I'm really not, I am just a victim of circumstance, but I hate that word, "victim" when I use it for myself...i don't see myself as a victim. I am glad I found this place though, I can't fix what is wrong with me, but maybe I can learn to cope with it. I guess I can't change this, because I have to stay on the medication, so maybe I can learn how to deal with the emotions I have about it??....
I sincerely doubt anyone will post anything "nasty". At least I don't think they will. There should be a pain management system with legitimate health issues but the problem with most medications including narcotics is they run the risk of dependency and a tolerance. I have been on hydrocodones for 5 years now. I built up a tolerance to my medicine And also like the way they felt and that just led me down the road to abuse. I am not on a tapering plan and 5 weeks out of back surgery and this site is unbelievable with support and knowledge. Plenty of people will be along soon with more words of wisdom to help.
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First let me assure you there will be NO nasty responses just like AnimalGuy said. This forum is to help those addicted to any substance. We help, encourage, support those who come here....this is a "moderated" forum, as well. Meaning that if anyone DID post something inappropriate it would be removed. We gather here to share our experience, strength and hope. That's exactly what happens at an NA meeting, too. You don't HAVE to be clean/drug free to attend. The only requirement is that you have a desire to stop "using". They don't discuss how much of what they took....they also share their experience, strength and hope and the focus is kept on recovery.....how do we cope? how do we get better?
I, also became addicted to pain pills due to medical conditions in my life.. NONE of us intentionally become addicted....a very large majority of forum members here became addicted due to a medical condition. Some thru recreational use. Doesn't matter to us here....we love ALL addicts here on this forum regardless of how you get here.
I can relate to running out early; sneaking around my husband to "get more", craving more and more...the more you take...the more the tolerance builds...and the more it WILL take to do any good....and then eventually it doesn't work for us anymore. I started off at 1/day....then 3....and after 5 yrs....I was up to over 20 a day. Never thought it would have happened to me either. But it did.....it doesn't have to happen to you, though.
I would suggest, first off, that you read as many posts on this forum as you can. See what has been shared and the responses to those who posted a question or comment. You will learn SO much by just doing that.
Next, it would be SO helpful for you to understand addiction. You will learn that "getting it back under control" isn't an option if you are an addict. We lose control at some point....and it isn't about willpower either. Here's a web site that has 6 tabs at the top...from "Understanding Addiction" to "Stigmas of Addiction"....there is SO much to read, learn and watch on this website. There are even short videos on the right hand side of each topic for you to watch. Spend some time there learning....and you will stop beating yourself up. We don't choose to be addicts....but once a substance/pain med starts affectively our life negatively...we do have a choice whether or not we want to address it and do something about it. You're in the right place.....hope this helps:
http://www.hbo.com/addiction/
Hope you'll hang around~