Avatar universal

Heavy DHC Addiction - Suboxone?

Hello everyone,

My whole addiction started off with tramadol about 2.5 years ago, I couldn't believe this "non-narcotic" gave me such a euphoric rush.  After about a year on that it just didn't do the trick and I was taking up to 15 50mg pills at a time (I know its stupid yet somehow I never had a seizure), I even had days where I took up to 30.  I then started ordering DHC (dihydrocodeine) off the internet because I didn't want to go through the tramadol withdrawal and figured DHC would be easier because its like codeine.  However its a lot stronger and my tolerance has gotten really high and I take around 1200mgs once a day (about 10 120mg pills).  I sometimes would take more, but thats about the average.  Its a very high dosage, my supply runs out quick and I pay a heck of a lot of money to try and keep it going.  When I run out I take tramadol to help with the physical withdrawals, but mentally I am gone, I have a hard time showering, getting out of bed, doing anything at all.  I have sunk into a deep depression because of my addiction and life style, I used to be this handsome guy who went to the gym 5 days a week, I was a great employee, climbed up the ladder wherever I worked.  However now I stay away from society as much as possible, I don't know how I have managed to keep my job but I have. I hate seeing people from my old gym because I know they see me and wonder what is going on in my life.  I have, well I did have, a work from home job for the most part so I could stay home even during work, I have since moved to a new team and need to go into the office more but its been really hard.

I want help and I have been talking to a few places about options.  I am in my mid 30s and have a great career making 6 figures. I worked very hard throughout my 20s to get where I am and now I am about to throw it down the toilet.  I wouldn't mind going to an inpatient rehab, in fact I wish I could but I am really worried about my job and how it would affect my overall reputation and image since I work in a field where that is important.  Where I live its somewhat small and I work as a consultant so my image is very important, I am on a account with the largest company in the area so if I lost my job I would have to pick ip and move away from my home of 15 years.  I don't know if I want to chance that.  I am allocated to projects that can't avoid to have someone gone for 30 or more days, so I would have to be replaced by another consultant. The company has already let a bunch of external contractors/consultants go so it wouldn't be hard to get rid of me.  Besides all that, I don't know if I could walk through the halls after coming back from 30 days of rehab and wonder what people are saying about me, I imagine it would kill all chances at major promotions and would just kill my confidence, rumors spread like wildfire here.  I might seem like I am going a bit over the top about a job, but its not just a job to me, its a career and its my reputation and image. All my friends and associates work there as well, like I said if I were to lose it I would have to pick up and move away.  I also have a Top Secret Security Clearance that would be at risk, my current job doesn't require it but its very valuable in case I wanted to work in the government again.  All my references on my Clearance work with me, and they are interviewed and asked if I have had issues with drugs in the past.  I doubt all these people would lie to investigators.

Given my situation, and where I am at mentally, I don't know if I could make it through a detox and remaining clean on my own at home, I don't have vacation time and there are not any big holidays coming up.  Not many people even know what I am going through so I keep it to myself which I hate.  I want to go to therapy and talk to people in my shoes but I want to try and make this as anonymous as possible.  

I know Suboxone can be tough to get off, but I was able to go cold turkey off meds before when it was early in my use because I wasn't using the drugs to hide depression at the time and still had confidence and my life on track.  Right now I use the drugs so I don't have to think about how I have wrecked so much of my life. If I was able to get my life back together, get back in the gym, get my self confidence back, maybe getting off sub might not be as bad because my life would be in a better position and I would have a support system through therapy.  

Does this route make sense to anyone or is going to suboxone a horrible idea and I should find another way?  I have had two friends who have had success with a short term sub detox but everyone is different.

Sorry for the long post, I am just confused on what I should do and writing it out helps.
13 Responses
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684676 tn?1503186663
imo it would not be a good idea to start sub, your mask won't last forever.
no matter what your image is on the outside if you aren't right on the inside it will eventually fall apart, addiction is Unsustainable!
take some time off , detox and choose freedom! I can tell you are a self starter with lots of drive, use that to start a life of recovery. Don't let this thing eventually steal your self worth , because it will! Even if you did have to start over , if you did it clean it would be better than tryng to maintain on another drug thats much stronger.But it is hard to realize that when one is in active addiction, the dis-ease will trick your brain with rationalization, justification, to keep manipulating feelings.
you won't need to worry about what people think or rumors if you don't live thru this addiction.......... so many things can happen when we think were on top of our game but in reality we aren't.
I would encourage you to change course , you will do good no matter what you are doin, if you want to.
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Avatar universal
if u really want to go into a rehab look into family medical leave most companies have it I'm sure urs does and they ask very lil questions its anything from mental heath break to taking care of a sick family me member and the company has to hold or job.......I went with this option once...I think u should really look into it.

I unforunatly relapsed after two years of being off pills than turned to herion ....unlike u I partied my 20s away live and learn I guess....anyway what I'm saying is do it now while u still have life by the balls cuz  or losing grib man and soon it will have u by the balls
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Avatar universal
I don't think subs are the answer for what u were taking......I would suggest cold turkey or rehab maybe both.

and yes I was a gym rat too I used to look like I was airbrushed in a magazine no joke....no I'm a skinny rail it hurts I know but we can get that back
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
@ jayeye, I hate to sound so superficial but one of the biggest reasons I get so depressed was because of what I let my body turn into.  I remember always growing up a little depressed but working out turned my life around.  I started working out in 1996 and never took more than 2 months off up until 2011, thats when I started getting deep into my addiction.  Working out and being big was almost like my persona, I wasn't a meathead but people knew me by being the "big guy". I was super skinny in high school and I was 6'0" 220 and benching 465lbs in my college days.  

What really tipped off my addiction was when I made a decision to go back working overseas in the Middle East again. I worked all over the middle east as a contractor, and while I was on tramadol I made a decision to go back. Once I got there I realized I made a mistake and it was mainly because I let the drug make the choices for me. I left a good job, my girlfriend, my life, for another year in a place I didn't want to be.  Thats when i started taking the drugs to cover up the depression and help me go to work instead of taking them in the evening for recreation.  Thats when I got too depressed to workout and since no one knew me there, they didn't realize how abnormal it was for me to stop going to the gym like that.  If I would of stayed home, I would of never stopped going to the gym like that because all my friends worked out and they would know something was up if I suddenly quit like I did overseas.  So it was really hard to be away for a whole year and come back and see my friends, I was so self conscience that I never wanted to go out and see anyone. You can just see the looks on their face, they don't even have to say a word.  Usually when I would come back from overseas I would be in the best shape because thats all there was to do, but that last time I lived a year of guilt, remorse from my drug induced decision that I couldnt snap out of because the drugs kept screwing with my moods.  

Even after I spent a year overseas and was able to come back, I couldn't just snap out of the depression because it had engrossed me for an entire year.  I somehow managed to work but thats the only thing I did and still do.  I lost all motivation, I completely lost my libido, right now life feels like its not worth living.  

Thats another reason why I thought the suboxone might help, if it can keep my mind off pills and get me back into the gym, that will do more for my mental health than any therapy program.  I currently keep telling myself I need to get back into the gym and that will help me out of this depression and in turn get me off the pills, but when I take the pills i don't feel like going to the gym and I no longer care until it wears off.  Everyday is this up and down mental battle with myself, I just get so tired of it.

I have researched going c/t and I have chlonidine, valium, gaba, tyrosine, phenibut, kratom, immodium AD, anything and everything I have tried, but the mental depression makes it so hard.  I can't just lay around, I have to attend meetings at work everyday of every week, its about impossible when I am out of my main DOC.

As for inpatient rehab, I am sure my boss at my consulting firm and my manager at the company I consult for would be fine with me leaving for inpatient rehab, its not like they would say "no you can't go, we need you for a project".  However, I know how people talk about individuals that have a history of drug abuse and work at a big white collar company.  I know by law they might not be able to fire me, but its hard enough to move up in my field that I don't need this to follow me.  If would be different if I lived in a big city where there are a bunch of other major companies around to work for, but there isn't.  Plus how do I manage to keep my security clearance?

Its a pretty crappy situation I am in, but I have no one to blame but myself.  Here I am right now counting my pills to see if I will have enough until my shipment from overseas comes in (its hard to guess those shipping dates), and I spend a fortune on this crap, suboxone would be saving me money.

For those that have been on suboxone, do you think clearly while on it?  I know its an opiate but will I have the same side effects like complete lost of libido, fogginess, hands shaking, wanting to sleep till noon, etc?
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Avatar universal
I can def relate to the depression that goes with losing something you put 100s of hours in.....the gym was just excersie it was a release.....it some ways our bodies were our addiction.... after all feel could metally feel good physically and vise versa.

the more I weened away from the gym the more of my progress I saw lost the further I sunk....I didn't feel good about myself.....I was getting less attention from the ladies....this lead to the FCK it attitude look at what I was all the friends I had all....I was the person that made everybody laugh...the one that was the life of the party.....down the Rabbi TT whole I went....with the look at the loser I became...but those are the drugs....first they make you think you are best friends than it isolates you than it kills you,

my friends didn't want to be around me.....I didn't want to be anywhere but my bed high....my family looked at me with same....it broke my heart....started thinking they alrdy think I'm a failure why stop....they will always think of me as the junkie.....further down I went...than I lost my best friend further I went

but again that's what addiction want it wants you to itself just you and the drug.....not a live just moving through the motions

but that it dawned on me....I don't have to be john the junkie I don't have to be the sad story....I can be the story of the man strong enough to over come one of the hardest things there is to do....beat this addition free me of my chains....all those weights I lifted how strong I thought I was is nothing compared to the feeling of how strong you really are as to when u beat this addiction......its one of the hardest things a person has to do in this world

so show the world how strong u really are.....I'll be back in the gym.....I'll have that feeling back of looking in the mirror and seeing that guy I lost again and so will you.

don't you have an hr department? they would be the ones to speak to by law they can't speak of why you need the time off...but I can relate to what you are saying about being lab led after my med leave I didn't go back.....that job was a trigger for me I found out and it was a good fckimg job man...but live is more important then money....money is not wealth rememeber that my friend.

I would really discourage you from going the sub routs with all the supplements you have u should have that hard of a time going ct plus we are here to help you with that.....I known you have vacation time....take off Mon thru friday... that will give u ten days to veg out and stay comfortable the first three days are not gonna be fun but by day five u will notice a huge difference.

besides your a guy who knows what to take to keep the body strong protein shakes amino acids ect  ect what do you think are u dry to do this are you dry to be that guy again......Im not I'm done hurting those closes to me addiction has costed me a lot of love in my life.....I'm fortunate to still have a few that believe in me......what's feeling like hll  for a week compared to the rest of ur life
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Avatar universal
What if you told them you were going into rehab for alcohol? That's generally more accepted than drugs abuse, and if they didn't ask for the records or get to nosy you might be able to pull it off.

Short term Suboxone use to get past the withdrawals of the drugs you're on can work if you don't stay on it long enough to get addicted. One week tops to get over the worst of it, then you deal with the tail end of the withdrawals from your DOC. It's a synthetic narcotic and will show up on a drug test, but you've made it this long doing drugs and managed to scrape by.

The Suboxone horror stories you hear are mostly from people who go on it for an extended period to get off something much weaker and end up in a worse situation than they would have been coming off their initial DOC in the first place. You may, or may not, fall into that category. Only you can determine if you can manage to go CT or stick to a taper off the drugs you're on now.

I had good luck with Suboxone. It gave me a new chance at life, and tapered myself off slowly over a period of 3 months after being on it for 2 years without any trouble at all, but you won't hear many other people here pipe in and say the same thing.
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7808984 tn?1406680965
woooow   good bits of advice here  immm say  listen to jayeye and kuku on this nothing  as well as onthefence not much i can say thatll be better than this advice  .....good advice yall  !!!!!   stay strong donret   and know its possible to get better
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Avatar universal
10 years ago NVR in my wildest dreams would I have thought that the first thing I had to do when my alarm went of in the morning for work was to get a needle rdy to stick in my arm.  than I would get put on the pit of coffee and start my day of trips to the bathroom to shoot up and taking drug runs on my lunch bark

I work in a corporate office mind you.....amazing the secrets one can carry
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Avatar universal
Do you have any family or friends to talk to or help? you need to tell someone maybe even your doctor. HIPPA laws prohibit them from discussing with anyone. Suboxone has helped me more than I could have ever imagined. ALOT of people will tell you these horror stories but you will also get some positive advice as well. I took a lot of trams and Lortabs mixing them whenever I could, finally got caught. It was honestly the best thing that ever happened to me. I wouldn't tell anyone from your job unless you know them very well. Unfortunately people are very judgemental, coworkers I thought were like my family haven't reached out to me or even asked about me. I've been on suboxone 8mg for 50 days. Im going to a clinic that offers methadone or suboxone, they also offer counseling. If you don't feel like you can go to a rehab right now you may want to try that. I felt like poo for about a month and a half after starting. I gained some weight and was eating like a pig but I have had no cravings what so ever. I've thought about the pills of course but have not wanted to take them. I had more energy at the beginning of taking them but now I've started to exercise and eat better. Honestly I think it's more of a mental thing at times. You have to try and think positive it's tough but for me it gets better and better every day. I feel now I'm ready to start tapering. I've discussed this with my doctor and I've started to see a psychiatrist. You may even want to try a NA meeting. You can do this but you can't do I alone. I thought I could keep it a secret and no one would ever know. You can't and you shouldn't, I promise it will make you feel better to get it out there and get off the crap that makes you feel like crap! Good luck!
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Avatar universal
Where I live there is only like one Dr that can even prescribe suboxone and he only does it with inpatient rehab situations.  About an hour away there is a place that offers suboxone, you have to come in on Monday at 6am for your first assessment and make sure you are in full blown withdrawals.  Well I made the mistake of not going and getting a hotel close to the clinic by at least day two of my withdrawals, yesterday I couldn't even get out of bed and kept pushing it off thinking I would suddenly get some strength to drive over there but it never happened and I took some tramadol for relief.  So here I am, another wasted 2 days laying with nothing to show for it.

The only reason why I think Sub might be good for me is because I let this become such a mental battle.  Like I said, I was able to easily go through the withdrawals cold turkey before I let it get to a point where it changed a lot of my life.  The year I went overseas in which I had no contact with anyone from back home is what really did it for me, I didn't really have anyone to notice a difference in behavior or anything.  When I came back I was so far into it that now it seems much more than what it probably looks like from the outside.
However, I also take adderall, which compounds the problem by 10x.  I never cared for adder all before I took opiates but the opiates smoothed them out a bit so I didn't feel so jittery with a messed up stomach.  So now I know I need to stop both, but I stopped both this weekend and it kills you mentally, so I try to use the adderall to help control the opiates but it never seems to work.  In all honesty, if I was still in my 20's without a lot to lose, I would just go to inpatient rehab and be done with it.  The reason why I don't want to do that now is because I live in a somewhat small town, all my friends work at the same company and even in the same area.  Some of those friends are also friends I grew up with from back home so once my "cover is blown" everyone here and from back home will know.  I have always had a pretty successful life and don't want to be judged by this going forward.  
When I am going through withdrawals I just look in the mirror and wonder WTF have I don't to myself.  

Whats crazy is when I was overseas I was weaned down enough to where Kratom is all I needed (and adderall), and even withdrawing from that sucked when I ran out.  However I would love to be back in that position now.
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7671414 tn?1395660495
I only have horror stories about methadone but,wanted to give u some encouragement.I like the idea about taking family leave.i know of 3 ppl who have done that for addictions.It is a good way to get done and have time to recoup.Tell them u r going to an out of town family member and u wont have to worry about small town noseys..But,also I agree that u need to tell someone and get help.Please do this.if your company has insurance it is also so private so u may get help that way also..Good luck
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Avatar universal
Do you have a good relationship with your boss? In today's age, I can't imagine that entering rehab would be held against you. I can promise you that there are a lot of people around you battling numerous addictions and any supervisor knows this. I would think he/she would commend you for your determination to get help and beat this problem. From reading your posts, there's no doubt that you are a strong individual who has decided the time has come to address this situation. The very last thing I'd be worried about is what my coworkers thought- as I said, I can promise you that many among them have "secrets" that most certainly involve drugs and alcohol. Good luck to you, and keep thinking this thing through. You're going to make the right decision.
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684676 tn?1503186663
In all honesty, if I was still in my 20's without a lot to lose,

the disease is messin with you! you have more to lose than ever, think about it.... i believe at this point in the process you don't realize how beneficial inpatient could be and how it could be the beginning for you to live the life you want.Ask for and accept help. acceptance is the key.let go of power & control and seek humility.
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