I haven't smoked weed in 6 weeks. I am very proud of this. My life is substantially better in every way, I have lost weight, my constant depression is gone and I am looking forward to tomorrow. So what's the problem?
First a little history. I started smoking pot in high school. Most of this time I would say it wasn't that bad. When I went to university it started to become a real problem. Without friends and family my life became reclusive, i turned to pot to avoid socialization. I didn't think i was cool, I had always piggybacked on my friends and now I had to do it myself. I was not successful. I dropped out of school, traveled, lived with my folks and basically did nothing. Finally i gave pot up for 3 years, went back to school and finished my degree. When I finished it all started again. I got stuck, became a ski bum and had trouble making friends. I stayed in and watched netflix all day. I avoided all relationships, prided myself on the one night stand "player" lifestyle and pretended I enjoyed it. Mostly i was scared someone one see me for who i was, a loser and **** up.
while i was ski bumming my mom got cancer, I came home and leaned on weed a lot. I didn't do much except party and work a bit as a handyman. Then I met a girl. I finally dated someone at the age of 27. She pushed me to be the best version of myself. I started a full contracting business, she helped me do it. It became succesful. Really deep down I am a pretty amazing and smart guy. She saw this. My business is great but if I had not met her I would still be in my folks basement. We went off and on for 3 years. 3 breakups now, all because of pot and all because i couldn't commit to her. Every time we got back together i stopped smoking for a bit, told her i would never again and then started to. I lied a lot. My intentions were real but I just couldn't do it, so its a lie but i really thought i could stop. Part of the reason I think i had trouble was commitment, another part was I just didn't want to stop. I loved weed. Also I hate being alone except when I am smoking, then I love being alone. So when i stop smoking being alone kinda sucks.
So where am I going with this. I left a lot out there, obviously there are more details.
6 weeks ago she broke up with me. It was different then the other times, she was pretty serious about it being over for good. This killed me. I took her for granted, i thought she would wait it out with me and support me through all the ups and downs (mostly downs). I had became angry with her in the last month of our relationship. I would be angry that she wouldn't accept me as my worst self. In retrospect I cant believe she stuck around as long as she did. The day she broke up with me there was a switch in my heart. I knew then I would never smoke again. This was not the first girl i lost because of pot but i was sure it was going to be the last. I wasted so much ******* time with this stupid lazy drug and I knew that was it. This is the best decision i have made in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I think pot has a lot of benefits for certain people, just not me.
I have bugged her 3 times in the last 6 weeks and i am pretty sure she can never trust me again. the first week without pot was horrible, my anxiety is still hard to handle but like i said, i feel better then i have in a long time; its a weird juxtaposition. The problem I am having is accepting my regret and my **** up. I feel like such an idiot, who does this to themselves? Without the pot I see things so clearly. I had the love of my life right there, wanting to start a family and be with me. she gave me years to change, found resources for me, went to meetings when i wouldn't, support detox holidays, talked with me endlessly and put her own problems on hold...still I just couldn't do it. It is so hard to understand. It makes me hate myself and feel like a piece of ****.
Don't get me wrong. I know there are lots of fish in the sea, I will find someone and probably love them just as much. I also have faith that these feeling will pass. But right now I just cant understand. I feel crazy. It hurst so much to know she thinks she wasnt enough, that she was less then. She was everything i wanted. I know I sound like a baby but it's how i feel. I am so sure that i will not smoke again but to her that means nothing. It's hard to blame her for that. I really did make my bed, I regret it with all my heart and I am having trouble accepting it.
Thanks for listening