Avatar universal

Help me cope, need to vent.

I haven't smoked weed in 6 weeks. I am very proud of this. My life is substantially better in every way, I have lost weight, my constant depression is gone and I am looking forward to tomorrow. So what's the problem?

First a little history. I started smoking pot in high school. Most of this time I would say it wasn't that bad. When I went to university it started to become a real problem. Without friends and family my life became reclusive, i turned to pot to avoid socialization. I didn't think i was cool, I had always piggybacked on my friends and now I had to do it myself. I was not successful. I dropped out of school, traveled, lived with my folks and basically did nothing. Finally i gave pot up for 3 years, went back to school and finished my degree. When I finished it all started again. I got stuck, became a ski bum and had trouble making friends. I stayed in and watched netflix all day. I avoided all relationships, prided myself on the one night stand "player" lifestyle and pretended I enjoyed it. Mostly i was scared someone one see me for who i was, a loser and **** up.

while i was ski bumming my mom got cancer, I came home and leaned on weed a lot. I didn't do much except party and work a bit as a handyman. Then I met a girl. I finally dated someone at the age of 27. She pushed me to be the best version of myself. I started a full contracting business, she helped me do it. It became succesful. Really deep down I am a pretty amazing and smart guy. She saw this. My business is great but if I had not met her I would still be in my folks basement. We went off and on for 3 years. 3 breakups now, all because of pot and all because i couldn't commit to her. Every time we got back together i stopped smoking for a bit, told her i would never again and then started to. I lied a lot. My intentions were real but I just couldn't do it, so its a lie but i really thought i could stop. Part of the reason I think i had trouble was commitment, another part was I just didn't want to stop. I loved weed. Also I hate being alone except when I am smoking, then I love being alone. So when i stop smoking being alone kinda sucks.

So where am I going with this. I left a lot out there, obviously there are more details.

6 weeks ago she broke up with me. It was different then the other times, she was pretty serious about it being over for good. This killed me. I took her for granted, i thought she would wait it out with me and support me through all the ups and downs (mostly downs). I had became angry with her in the last month of our relationship. I would be angry that she wouldn't accept me as my worst self. In retrospect I cant believe she stuck around as long as she did. The day she broke up with me there was a switch in my heart. I knew then I would never smoke again. This was not the first girl i lost because of pot but i was sure it was going to be the last. I wasted so much ******* time with this stupid lazy drug and I knew that was it. This is the best decision i have made in a long time. Don't get me wrong, I think pot has a lot of benefits for certain people, just not me.

I have bugged her 3 times in the last 6 weeks and i am pretty sure she can never trust me again. the first week without pot was horrible, my anxiety is still hard to handle but like i said, i feel better then i have in a long time; its a weird juxtaposition. The problem I am having is accepting my regret and my **** up. I feel like such an idiot, who does this to themselves? Without the pot I see things so clearly. I had the love of my life right there, wanting to start a family and be with me. she gave me years to change, found resources for me, went to meetings when i wouldn't, support detox holidays, talked with me endlessly and put her own problems on hold...still I just couldn't do it. It is so hard to understand. It makes me hate myself and feel like a piece of ****.

Don't get me wrong. I know there are lots of fish in the sea, I will find someone and probably love them just as much. I also have faith that these feeling will pass. But right now I just cant understand. I feel crazy. It hurst so much to know she thinks she wasnt enough, that she was less then. She was everything i wanted. I know I sound like a baby but it's how i feel. I am so sure that i will not smoke again but to her that means nothing. It's hard to blame her for that. I really did make my bed, I regret it with all my heart and I am having trouble accepting it.

Thanks for listening

2 Responses
Avatar universal
Addicts are Great at talking but it is thru our Actions that we prove ourselves. We want things now we do not want to have to wait our work for them. We say 'but we are done then hit no meetings see no counselors do nothing to work on what made us turn to drugs, we just say it is the drugs that caused this No it is the unresolved problems that cause this it is our Addiction that causes this.. See someone professionally and work on the things that made you feel less then this way you build a strong foundation. Just because we put the drugs down does not mean we are free of addiction this is life long so getting to the root cause is important. Maybe if you took visible steps like AA our NA and were consistent with it you may win her back and if not it would set up a truth for your next relationship. Congrats on putting down the weed  Now take the next step and hit a few Meetings 90 in 90 days would be Awesome for you! The support you would receive would be so Helpful and it is a Tangible way to show you are serious in living with your Addiction.. Take care and Congrats again. lesa
Avatar universal
And they say weed isn't addictive.... hmmm...  this helped me a lot as my stinkin' thinkin' has "told" me to try weed to help these withdrawls.  I have not.  Thanks for the post
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