Help me help my dad (i see the disgust in his eyes when he looks at me)

[serenityandgrace]

I was wondering does anybody know of anything i could possibly e-mail my dad to help him understand addicts?I was always a daddy's lil girl-i cryed and he gave me the world always all loving all forgiving but this time i messed up big.I saw an old friend yesterday-she actually joined my outpatient group anyway she said she had just seen my dad and his exact words were "shes a piece of shyt"all he can say is i didnt raise you to be this way and until you fix it i will never trust you.he still talks to me but i see the disgust in his eyes.when i call him and say something like dad im 3 weeks into my classes,got two jobs,and 40 days clean he says thats great (sarcasticly)but a year would be better.We learned in class all addicts want instant gratification and i guess im no different and i shouldnt expect that but a good job keep it going would be nice.i mainly just want him to know i never meant to hurt anyone and i do feel bad and love them all;i believe in our addiction we loose our morals somewhere and that dosent make us bad people.anyway he wouldnt go to alanon and when i asked him to come to family day he said he had to work so anything or any advice would be great.-Jennifer

[Savas]

Ah...he's one of those. I bet arguing with him is impossible, he's got his views on everything, and it's "My way or the highway".  Let me ask you this, have you ever done anything major in your life in terms of marriage or career that he didn't approve of? Did he have an "image" in mind for who and what you're going to be?
    My first thought is you need to figure out how to show him that the person he loved and cared for is still there. I hate to say it, but what he's doing is very superficial. It would make me wonder if he "ever really knew me".  Because whatever you tell him, you have to make him understand that you are more than your job, you bank account, you're country club membership (if you have one!), your car, and your addiction.
If it was me, I'd tell him that "If you can't see that I'm more than all that, and what I truly am is a wonderful and good person, who loves you and you should love, than...I'm very sad for YOUR limitations."

But then again, I did something like that ages ago, and haven't really spoken to my family since. So perhaps it's not the best thing to say. :)    Or...maybe a softer wording of it may help.

[tooklastdose]

time, it takes time and a lot of it.
It took my parents years to believe me again.
I have been off alcohol for 14 years, but before that, the pure look of disgust in their eyes was heart breaking.
You can do it, it just takes time (years) to be clean and sober

[serenityandgrace]

thank you beach.i try to not let it bother me or get me down because i dont like any negative thoughts in my mind at all but,its still hard.i have come to that realization though and i know the day i finally hear him say im proud of you will be a great day.thank u again -jenn

[beachtowel]

The best thing to do is show him with your actions that your doing good and working very hard to not be in active addiction anymore......
only your actions of being clean and working very hard in your recovery will ever change his mind.....


Some people think to use is a choice,  and nothing you will ever say will ever change there mind....just concentrate on your recovery and hope he comes around in time.........

[serenityandgrace]

about my dad-hes a little higher than middle class sent us to private school,coaced us in ball ect.about three yrs ago he left my mom for a younger woman and seems happy.hes not religious and will go out and drink occassionly on the weekends.hes an intelligant man,a volvo mastertech,who spends most his time on the computer at night or building hot rods.i know he still loves me but hes actually told my mom i raised my kids they are grown-like i did my part now im done.he still has helped me like he bought me shoes to start work and a few clothes so i know hes got to care-it just hurts to know he called me that to my friend so whats he telling everybody.on his profile one of his quotes is"the apple dont fall too far from the tree but if the apple falls off rolls away rots and smells like shyt its not the trees fault"it hurt me when i read that.anyway hope my info is useful.thanks for the support-jenn

[road2recovery]

I agree we need to know more about him.

[Savas]

A tough one. Kind of a riddle.

"How do you make a father see what he doesn't want to see?"

I'm not going to give you the litany on "broken trust" and "earning trust" and "Time heals all wounds."
I'm sure you're hearing it quite a bit.
Hmm...(I'm thinking, give me a second here! :)  )

Y'know, it would help if you told us a bit more about the man. Where he comes from. How he was raised. Is he religious? Still married? Ever married? Blue collar? White collar? Emotional or distant? Is he a "hang out at O'Reily's with the boys for a few after work" kind of guy or a "Sit at home and read some Kant or the latest murder mystery type?

The trick is to find something that speaks to him, to figure out "his language", so to speak. If you don't want to get into this hear, I understand, it's personal, and this is public.

We need to know what's making him angry. You said he's upset over "daddy's little girl ruining herself". But I'll bet there's more going on here.
If you've always had a good relationship with him, then he should be reachable.

[gettingoff30]

When the people we love think that this was a choice to end up an addict it is the worst feeling.  I was so afraid to tell my family but they all knew anyways.  My mother had no idea about addiction and I didnt either until I became an addict.  I had to stop talking to my mother for a few months because she did not understand it.  I told her to go online and do the research but to know I was getting better and I loved her.  There is more pain that you inflicted on yourself more than anyone else.  I know we hurt people but it is not on purpose.  This drug causes our brains to become diseased and it controls EVERYTHING in our lives.  When we sleep, eat even going to the bathroom.  By the time most see it as an addiction its too late, we are already in over our heads.  I know you love your dad but right now putting you first is whats important.  You are getting better and it seems you have some support.  Dont blame yourself for being an addict and just keep moving forward.  Your dad just does not get it right now.  My mom did her own research after awhile and realized that good people go through this nightmare.  I am a school teacher.  I was raised in a middleclass family with good morals.  I didnt mean for this to happen and neither did you.  I was shocked to find out that in 05' 4 million house-wives were addicted to DR prescribed opiate medication.  We never think its going to be us.  Keep going to your meetings and you will find ways to cope and deal with your father.

[road2recovery]

I am trying to bring your post back up, so maybe you can get some feedback
R2R

[road2recovery]

Girl --i am so sorry to hear this...My hear just breaks for you, because i am a daddy's girl too..I also had to deal with this when i was in AA..he looked so sad at me...Broke my heart..
But if diesn't understand addiction that is tough...At least my dad did..you see , he was an alcoholic when he was younger, and has been sober for a long time..So he did understand , but never thought his lil girl would be one too..
Boy, if he could get on this forum and read maybe he would understand that we are good people, and they did raise us right...Maybe he blames himself in a way..
If u need i am here, i am in w/d's but not too bad right now..
R2R