Help with daughter

[kimbie]

Will try & be to the point!! I am a 50 & my husband is 58.
We have been married 13 years. We have no kids together! He has 2 girls 22 & 29 years old. Great girls! I have one daughter 30 years old. She has been an addict for 14 years!!!! Shooting herself up is her thing!!!! Been through ALL the UPS & DOWNS of her addiction!!! Not blinded or in denial or enabling in any way shape or form!!!
My dilemma is.... I want to know she is safe!! She gets that if she chooses this life I can't live it with her. She calls me once a week just to let me know she is okay! 2 min. Conversation!!!! Her step dad, my husband NEVER wants me to talk to her again!!! Am I wrong wanting to know she is okay!! NOT DOING anything else!!!! He hates her because she is an addict!!! He says if I talk to het again it is over unless she goes to rehab!
All I am doing & NOTHING else is wanting a quick phone call to know she is safe! He knows she calls & wants me to not talk to her ever again!!! DOING NOTHING FOR HER!!!
Just wanting to know she's okay! He feels I should not want that!!! Am I wrong???
We argue because he wants me to have nothing to do with her ever again !!!
He does not get it!!! Please help me!!!!

[timothy141]

In all of that all I could understand was he had rented a room at a casino close by, and MJ was going to save her son, her last words has she left, " I have to go stop my son from committing suicide. This is for your  husband. I made the biggest mistake in my life that day. And yes I am an addict, I quit putting needles in my arm 1992. Do i wish I never had gotten involved in that stuff but I did. My bad.
But I did not go to check on Travis with MJ she went alone. When she had gotten there there were numerous squad cars there. She had called in a wellness check for him, but she was to late. Consider this, that lack of support came at time no mother should be by themselves in that type of situation but I was being very selfish. My point is we need to beware of others yes those we love but those also are so lost in the world.And if for reason others need to vigil  
Tim. & MJ  

[timothy141]

no your not wrong for wanting to know your daughter is safe sprich3 unfortunately, from my perspective your husband is way off base. Short history, I completed 48 weeks of a brutal hep c g3 tx.
I took my last dose of ribavirin 10-31-2013.... My mind was wrought.
I had been so sick over the last 6 months of tx I could hardly care for myself.
11-4-2013 MJ's daughter in law shows up on our door step looking for her husband. He did not go to work, he had been having extreme with topamax. Feeling useless, and those other things these meds do to us. The young man was very intelligent, premed student, he had warned his mother about how horrific my tx could be. All told I ended up in the ER 3 times last year. The last being 12/30-12/31.That being said when Amanda came in her and MJ went on the hunt...MJ knew, mothers intuition at its best. I did not go, I just got out of the cardiac unit 4 days before, besides I was thinking suicide no way!!! Not Trav.
After they were gone for about an hour they came in the house, arguing. I could barley keep up.
In that tornado of fear emotion confusion, I heard them frantically of the next step.      

[sprich3]

That is absolutely brutal.  I'm really sorry to say this, but your husband is emotionally abusing you, and knows absolutely nothing about the disease of addiction.  If I were you, I'd pack a bag and stay at a friend's place until he cools down.  Like I said before, you both need Al-Anon or Naranon, and some big time counseling.   If he won't go, then you need to go by yourself.  Call your local AA or NA Central Office and get to a meeting.

On the other hand, I am SO happy to hear that your daughter wants help.  As they say, hit while the iron is hot and get her into detox now.  They should be able to facilitate treatment, as well. Also, you may want to consider medical detox if she has physical or mental health issues.  That really is the safer option.

[kimbie]

I met daughter at park. She expressed how she is going to get help & that she loves me & just wanted to see me.
I did NOTHING for her & she asked for nothing!
Made the big mistake of telling my husband & basically for @ 4 hours he went off on me!!! Left house & texted me & would not stop because I saw her! Texted how he hates her & she's nothing but a little *****! I can't deal with the HATE he expresses!!! She's an addict & he will not stop punishing me!!!!! SO OVER IT!!

[clean_in_ks]

You are NOT wrong, sweet Mama~
You said you are not blinded, enabling or in denial.  Accepting a 2 min. phone call once a week to "confirm" her safety reassures your heart that she is alive.

I have SO MANY loved ones that are addicts; I think the most powerful thing I read in all you posts was this:

"Addiction IS a family disease, and it sounds like you and your husband need Alanon or Narcanon.  Your husband needs to learn between hating the disease of her addiction and hating your daughter as a human being."

There is a HUGE difference between hating the disease....and hating the person!  Nar-Anon or Al-Anon would DEFINITELY help you both (as would counseling if you could get him to go)...but if not....go for YOURSELF, ok?

I can also tell you..not only as a recovering addict myself and as one whose ENTIRE bloodline is FULL of addicts (some in recovery some not),
I am also a professional step-parent....LOL  When the rubber meets the road baby......the blood ALWAYS wins!  If my hubby was forced by my ignorant behavior to choose between one of his kids and me???  The kids would win hands down!
Please get some support for yourself.....even if your hubby is close minded and refuses.  If you KNOW you aren't enabling....and nothing else is being gained (for you daughter, I mean) in these weekly phone calls except the assurance of her safety....then follow your heart, Mama~

[OpenMind24hours]

I so much agree with Vicki. Try Counseling.  When I read your question that was the first thing I thought! Who the hell is he to tell you what to think or do?? In your entire post, that is what stood out like a sore thumb to me. What he's doing is abusive as far as I'm concerned. In our marriage of almost 25 years we simply don't tell each other what to do. Ever. We're adults, not critical parents to each other. We reason with one another and we're somehow able to find each other somewhere in the middle of our disputes.

Our daughter just went into a treatment center today after being out on a relapse since June. Prior to that she had almost 9 years clean. She was the one to arrange the treatment center not us, which is good. I hope that some day your daughter will finally get sick and tired of being sick and tired also.  She can join us recovering addicts on here any time she wishes. We're here to help.

[vicki595]

Hi there- Your husband is being unreasonable here. He's giving you an impossible ultimatum. You're not wrong to talk to her...

Is he like this in other areas?  I think you two could benefit from some counseling...more HIM than YOU.  

Stick to your guns would be my advice for now...

[brokenspiritandsoul]

I think you are not wrong!  She is your daughter and that will never change.  If that 1 phone call a week gives you some kind of peace in knowing she has made it another week then you need to keep talking with her.  Your husband would think differently if it was one of his kids!  No mother should ever have to chose between her husband and her child!  

My family turned their back on me and I can tell you that it has made this journey a lot harder on me.  I would love to be able to call my mom just to be told that she loves me!  As an addict, we feel that we are alone!  Continue to let her know that you love her and that you are there for her when she decides to start recovery!  We love our children no matter what their faults may be!

[Merri123]

No you are not wrong. She is your daughter!!  You love her no matter what. You need to know she is ok. Let her that when she wants it you will be there for her to get clean.

If it were one of his wonderful kids, your husband would feel the same. He needs to think of it that way. He needs to agree to disagree on this and stop harping on you.

I hope the best for you and for her. And that you will always get those calls each week. Maybe one day the call will be from rehab. We can only pray for her.

[Ldytaz]

I have 3 sons 25,31,34.My 34 and 31 year olds followed me with my addictions.They both got into drugs as teens.If I had forgotten them I may not have them now.One quit at 18 and the other at 21.Both are now wonderful adults.The older has never settled down but,has a has all the goodies,cars,trucks, boats and property.he owns his own business.I am very proud.The other is a hard working family man.Still proud.I cant imagine what would have happened to either if when they called crying,telling me that they had enough,I didnt take them in.Both detoxing right at home,together,It was a hard road.Just have to say younger one saw all and never got into anything.Very proud.Keep in contact.Most important do what u want and feel u need to do.Getting some kind of help with understanding the addiction would be good too.Good luck.

[ROSYouralright]

I think you are doing the absolute best thing you can in this situation. ABSOLUTELY pick up the phone. As a mom, you will never stop worrying & if that weekly phone call gives you any amount of peace during such turbulent times then don't stop.
Your hubby sounds like he has your best interest at heart but addict or not.. Your daughter is and always will be.. A part of you.

My heart & prayers go out to you..

[Yesidid]

...some reason into him?

[Yesidid]

If you were allowing your daughter to steal from you or supporting her addiction in any way, your husband might have a point here. Your daughter needs to know that you love her and you need the peace of mind to know she's okay.  I fear though that if your husband doesn't even want you to talk to your own daughter because she's an addict that you getting advice from a group of addicts won't be received very positively either.  Is there someone he actually respects that might be able to talk s

[smiles4eva]

Hey Kimbie :)
I agree with the above comments. My parents have always given me unconditional love and support and without that who knows where I would be. Don't ever give up on your daughter!  
My thoughts are with you and yours.

[dominosarah]

Please reread the above the post as it says it all~

I too hope your daughter will see the light and get clean~

[sprich3]

I honestly feel that you are doing the right thing.  If I had children, I would never give up on them, and I would never ever completely abandon them. I do have family members who are recovered, and I don't think they would have survived if I had cut them off.  I know many recovered alcoholics and addicts who are now in recovery who's families never totally cut them off.  They set boundaries (or not), and helped their loved one's get sober in the best way they knew how.

You aren't giving her money or having her live with you, and it sounds like you have set other boundaries, as well.  What if the next time she calls , or even 2 years from now, and she asks to go to rehab, goes, and gets clean??  I know that people have differing opinions on these things, but life isn't an episode of "Intervention" or a Lifetime movie.

Your husband is her step-dad and probably never knew her before she became an addict or when she was a child.  He should really respect your choice, as her mother, to speak with her briefly once a week, and leave the door open for rehab and recovery.  It is her life you're talking about, and I'm sure your marriage wouldn't survive if you gave into him.

Addiction IS a family disease, and it sounds like you and your husband need Alanon or Narcanon.  Your husband needs to learn between hating the disease of her addiction and hating your daughter as a human being.

Love and light.  May your daughter get clean, by the grace of God.

[Livenbfree]

I am a mother of 2 daughters and thank god they are not addicts, as a mother we are always going to want to know our children even our adult children are ok, she needs a lot of help if she is shooting up drugs and has an addiction problem if you are not enabling her in any way why is her step dad so hateful, if she was one of his daughters would he turn his back on her. I have had a past battle of drug addiction and my mother never turned her back on me, I am sure you feel so helpless in this situation but please stand up for yourself and try not to give up on your daughter.