Help...I'm so close to relapse

Question

Hi Everyone,
I have been clean from Lortabs for about 2 weeks.  I am anxious a lot and it seems to be worse not better.  I cry for no reason .  I am staring out my window knowing I just need to walk across the street for a pill.  If I do 1 it will at least make me feel normal.  I was never a huge user-maybe 1-3 a day but it has been for 3 years. I've tried exercising and I've been taking amino acids.  Is there harm in having just one pill?  I have also exercised a little bit.

WantMyLifeBack2010 · Accepted Answer

Sophie you CAN do THIS you CAN!! Yes-- like everyone has posted to you --1 pill will set you back and the statement that it will make you feel "Normal" that is our addiction talking its evil and it wants you to fail...you are NORMAL and you were before you ever started taking pills....you've just forgotten how that feels and you think that pill will make you feel better-or  normal?? No  HIGH is what it will give you and that's what we all wanted to numb ourselves so we really feel nothing but we tell ourselves But I work better, think better, feel better, I'm just like friggin Superman I can do anything!!
Take something from each one of our posts go out for that cup of coffee or go for a walk anything call a sober friend and talk to them someone that makes you feel good when you chat that makes you laugh or Better yet, rent a movie a funny one to make you laugh to get your mind off make sure its NOT one like "Pineapple Express" THO...lol 

Trust us keep your mind busy and that excercising your doing is great but maybe you need to increase it...the more the fast the drugs will move on out!! 
And Sophie, It is going to  be hard and you will feel crappy some days cuz it takes a while to feel better...you used for 3 years so you have to understand it does take time and you will go through so many different emotions ups and downs good days bad days but EACH DAY will be a one more day closer to the prize at the end ...Being CLEAN & living a NORMAL life with out any pain meds..
God bless good luck and we ARE HERE FOR YOU anytime just reach for that key board and we'll be waiting 
DONT GIVE UP-You are a strong capable woman with people who care....Kim

Sophie2337 · Answer

Making it to the pet event will be a big deal.  It is in the evening and I stopped going out at night unless it was with my husband.  I just never wanted to go anywhere.  I had no idea the drugs had a big hand in that.  It's hard to remember how many things I have rescheduled.

Thank you to everyone.  I know I wouldn't have made it without your posts.

WantMyLifeBack2010 · Answer

Oh Sophie That is so AWESOME I just love Volunteering at the pet shelters they  will Fill you with so much peace & Love, because when you give back especially to animals that need US, And count on us, It will just make your heart Glow with pride... When you do something as simple and kind as  "Give of yourself" you will Gain SO MUCH in return..
and great Idea on the coffee, I too suffer with Anxiety and had to cut back on my insane amount of caffeine I was consuming daily and It does help when you're feeling anxious during a time like this...
See you are making such great decisions I really commend you on being able to do that...like I stated before When I was where you are now  I couldn't make my self take a shower much less make a decision...WOW... I'm So very VERY Proud of YOU.... 
Take care and remember to stay focused on whats most important Which is  YOUR well being because sweetie  you can DO THIS I promise it gets so much better!
God Bless  you Sophie .....The being with the pets  will be a great healing step for you...Hugs to you my friend....Kim

fedup38 · Answer

I am on day 32 and believe me its well worth it I keep busy I went and got me the zumba videos and I have fun with that I do it for an hour than when my hubby gets home we go to the gym I also thought that maybe if I just get 1 pill I will feel ok u have to not let that be an option my father passed away of scrosis of the liver and these pills also damage ur liver just think about that keep ur head up we are all here for u

ricart70 · Answer

The pet shelter will help.Plenty of little doggies to pet and walk.I helped at one several times.I should go do that again.Great that you are starting a business.What kind.

Sophie2337 · Answer

Thanks for checking on me everyone.  I do have a therapist because I have bi-polar.  Parts of today are better.  I'm starting a business and that is fairly stressful.  I'm just making it ok to not move full steam ahead yet.I can't believe how anxious I feel.  I gave up drinking coffee after12pm.  I am volunteering at a pet shelter tomorrow. 
Everyone has inspired me but most of all let me know it gets better. If it wasn't so easy to buy, I think that would also be helpful.

dominosarah · Answer

How are you feeling today?   Check into some sort of recovery care, you wont be disappointed.  Let us know how you are doing~~sara

gnarly_1 · Answer

HI just checking in on you to see if the doom and gloom has passed yet do yourself a favor and look up n/a today and sit in on one you can google one near you trust me it will begin to help YOU CAN DO THIS good luck and God bless......Gnarly

snakejones · Answer

Hi honey, so sorry you're having a rough patch. That's all it will be, though, if you keep fighting. I was just wondering what you are doing for aftercare. You need a mess of aftercare with someone holding junk across the street from you! Please go to a group or see a counselor if you haven't done so. You sound very alone today. Alone is what will get you when you're like this. Do ANYTHING (well, almost!) but use. You in particular need to get out of that house with temptation close by. Walk, window shop, have lunch with a bud, buy a puppy to walk with, do a little volunteer work--the world is big and wide and fun!

CATUF · Answer

it takes time before you feel good or even just normal without using.

time takes time

i remember thinking toward the end of my using that i was just totally screwed . . . i couldn't go on like i was, but i couldn't stop either.  

wd had become really bad and was getting worse each time.  but what was intolerable was the awful monotony that was my life without using . . . 

it was like waiting in a line forever . . . 

always wanting the waiting to be over . . . then remembering (it's never going to be over) . . . then realizing (i can't do this forever) . . . then using (because i just needed to get right) . . . then finding that i was stuck again (how did this happen, how did this happen???) . . . then trying again, vowing that THIS TIME i was quitting FOREVER (and meaning it) . . . then getting sick (again) but pushing through (somehow) . . . then waiting in line (forever) . . . then needing to feel right (just for a bit) . . . then being stuck again (how did this happen?) . . . then trying again . . . and again . . . and again . . . and again . . . and again

it makes me feel hopeless just to remember all that, but i know it's not hopeless.  i know it's not hopeless because i've been on the other side of it for a while now.  i don't just feel normal.  i don't just feel like i did before active addiction, i feel better than i ever felt in my life . . . . i feel better than i knew it was possible to feel.  

i really do.  and if i can do it, ANYONE can do it.  i was an absolute mess.  i had destroyed myself professionally, financially, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.  i was 50 pounds underweight, i was crazy, i was close to death, and i didn't care . . . i just wanted more.

there are many things that go into a recovery.  

there are many things that are really important to getting into and staying in sustained recovery.

but there is one thing that is essential . . . it is the sine qua non of recovery and that is this: 

DON'T CHANGE YOUR CLEAN DATE, NO MATTER WHAT

if you just do that, it will slowly get better.  you can do many things to make it get better faster, but if you don't keep the same clean date you don't get to pass GO and you don't collect $200 . . . you stay in JAIL.

CATUF
2331

ricart70 · Answer

That is smart not taking the anxiety med.I was waking up at 4:30 every *** morning from about day 10 to 20 something but I was on way higher dose and of oxy.It won't take very much longer at all for you to be sleeping at 90% of normal.I am at day 38 and sleeping well enough that it is no longer an issue that plagues my mind.Also when you wake up you will feel like falling back to sleep instead of going into a mild panic attack upon waking.You are almost there.You are

Sophie2337 · Answer

I haven't done much exercise.  I've tried to move every day and work up to a schedule. I fall asleep fairly well but get up around 3am.  My doc gave me something to help with anxiety.  Obviously I am not taking them very often due to not wanting another addiction.

Thanks everyone!

Innerstrength67 · Answer

Hey girl, obviously I agree with everyone. Just wanted to send you some healing energy! You just have to breath and tell yourself that there is no such thing as one pill. 1 is too many and 1000 is never enough. Even though you were on a low dose, you were on them for 3 years. You have come so far....keep going!
We are all walking the walk with you!
The overwhelming disappointment you will feel if you do it, won't be worth it...

ricart70 · Answer

Glad to try to help.What kind of exercise are you doing?If you can work up a sweat then that will really help but anything,anything at all is good.14 days is a long way away from square one.How are you sleeping?

Sophie2337 · Answer

Thanks this really helps.

ricart70 · Answer

Hi Sophie,Please don't do that.If you stick it out it will get better soon.It took me until day 21 to even get feeling a little bit better.If you go get one pill you will not be pleased with yourself come tomorrow morning.Just wait it out.You don't want to have to go through this all over again.Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

gnarly_1 · Answer

HI good thing you posted  and YES 1 PILL IS A BIG DEAL it will destroy you mentally this is where aftercare come in you need to get to a N/A metting right now turn on some music or a movie anything to get your mind off using go for a hike in a nature center you will find these cravings last only 1/2 hr or so it what you do with them that will make or break you you cant start obsessing on using a relapse often starts days ahead of time the pill if you take it now will get you sick your body no longer needs them keep talking with us we have all been there when my bipolar flares up using looks like an option so I have a double struggle but if you treat this with some form of aftercare you will find it a lot ezer to deal with this is a battle one or lost in ones own mind YOU CAN DO THIS and dont even look at the house across the street call a freind and go out for icecream or coffee but get your mind off the pills PLEASE check out aftercare it will make or break you good luck and God bless.....Gnarly

littlebit667 · Answer

I promise if you can hold out...just one more week it will get better.  At three weeks, my brain started kicking in and doing it's job.  It has been three years...what is normal?  I do not think you will know until you have been clean at least one more week.  Your brain, tho is still wanting a pill and is making you as miserable as possible to get it.

Please keep trying..you will be so happy you did.  

Have you been taking the vits from the Thomas Recipe and Amino Acids??
They really help.