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1697690 tn?1329127238

Horribly addicted to heroin and oxycontin and trying to stop

I tried to detox a few months ago and even posted on here, but failed miserably. Ive been using for four or 5 yrs now, I am 22 and have been wanting to stop for a while but the morning sickness i get from withdrawal has been so horrendous lately that I cant even make it through one day without. Ive never had detoxes like this, i cant even explain the pain. I have been using a lot lately, maybe  400mg of oxycontin and then add in the heroin and it just is killing me. I am so miserable lately. I didnt really notice it til a few weeks ago, but i know i am not hte person i once was. I am so depressed all day, i dont want to do anything, i isolate from all the people who care about me, my thoughts are so impulsive, i am literally self destructing and bringing everything down around me. school, friends, family, money, love, excitement those are all foreign things that i have sacrificed for my "high" . If i am not high i am painfully sick, and i am stuck. and i hate this. i want to change, but dont no if i will ever be able to. I can see things getting so worse lately. I am 22 yrs old and often think that i am going to die soon, if i dont overdose maybe something else will happen but i just feel it lately. i am going down a dark road, 4 yrs ago if youd shown me a picture now of my life i would have laughed and thought you were crazy. i dont know how things became like this but i cant imagine letting this go on for another  5 yrs, and yet i know that it will if i dont die or make a drastic change. the next 4 yrs will go by like these 4 yrs and ill be in a miserable drug haze. its like no matter wat i am miserable but at least when i am high, its manageable, and i cna escape it for a few minutes. And believe me, it didn;t used to be like this, ive never been this kind of person. ive always had an excitement for life, but its gone now. anyways i am sorry to ramble on and on. i will say today is DAY 2, i am in unimaginable pain but i am trying to detox and make a change, because i want so desperately to love life again, and feel, good or bad, but just to feel things, to have relationships with other people, to want to go out and do things, to wake up in the morning and feel rejuvenated and excited for the day not dope sick and deathly, i just want to get some life back in me because i have become vacant and empty and i honestly dnt no how much longer i can go on like this. guess  i thought id post if anyone has been here and can say things can change id love to hear it because my outlook is bleak and i have gone far down this road and it is dark and lonely and i want to change more then anything but it just seems like i will always be condemed to this addiction and all that comes with it.
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Page 15 of 15
1697690 tn?1329127238
hi guys. just checking in. i am still hanging in here. this is brutal and i know i have so much more misery and sickness ahead which is depressing but i am still trying here. it scares me the damage i have done to myself from using, i feel so depressed adn anxious, and this has never happened before, not to this extent. i cant believe how far ive fallen this time. but I am trying to get things together, i just feel defeated and overwhelmed and depressed, and on top of that still physically sick.
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Wow, It's 1:20 am and I'm still awake - was ready for lights out and then I saw your post and just wanted to say you're doing a great job...you don't know the damage you've done, so don't overthink it at this point. You're young and the human body is resilient and I hope you come through this unscathed.  As long as you keep on doing what you're doing, staying clean, you have a fighting chance.
All of those negative feelings are there because the drugs aren't there anymore to numb them.  So embrace the idea that you're at least feeling again.  Since its October 1 where I am, I believe that puts you at DAY 8!
Believe it!!  
You should be feeling at least a little better by now  -  Your posts sound better...you seem clearer in your thought processes which is great.
And remember, just keep rolling with it, you'll get there, it just takes time.
Please take better care of you - eat more and get those fluids in.  

This is really is it Harper, and everyone on this forum is SO PROUD OF YOU!  

Signing off for the night...

S.
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It takes some people longer to get through the physical part of it.  Keep trying to stay hydrated and eating a bit.  You're stronger than you think!  Don't over worry about damage done.  You can deal with that in a bit, and Sandstone is right; the body is resilient.

You're doing great with this.  Try the Valerian Root for the anxiety.  It really does help a lot.  Not sure about the depression.  If you can get outside a bit every day in the sun, it should help a little.  When taking any drugs for a length of time, whether addicted or dependent, it changes the brain chemistry, and that will heal but it can take time.  Try not to let it discourage you, though I know that's hard to do when you're in the thick of it!!!

Day 8 ... a big accomplishment!!!  You're doing it!  
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Hey Harper, How are you?
Post soon so we know you're OK...
S.
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Harper your doing it!!! Your post made my day!! How are things now? It'll get better you know this. But keep your guard up!! I know how you feel being scared of yourself. I'm clean off sub now and need to stay clean. But every day between the drugs and you will make you a little stronger and them not have that hold on you. Remember, every little victory-every time you say NO makes you stronger. Don't think about tommorow just stay in the moment.

I'm glad you got that counsellor! How's it going? Please update ok! We are doing this!!!
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I so feel your pain.  It is going to be a difficult process, but when and only when you decide to take your life back are you going to have the determination and courage to stop.  I was on heavy oxys for over 2 years, including liquid, and pretty much any opiate I got my hands on.  I knew I had to do something or I would not be around to raise my children and I had turned into a completely different person that I didn't even know anymore.  I will say that I went to a suboxone doctor who perscribed 2 8mg tabs a day.  I thought I was doing the right thing and thought this would be the way to go.  I was on suboxone for 2 yrs and of course in denial that I was addicted to the thing I was taking to stay away from the other stuff.  I spent over 500 a month and my family was struggling to make ends meet.  I decided I was again out of control with another habit.  I went off of suboxone, without realizing I was about to go through hell again, only this time a much longer duration of hell.  I really wish I would have done my research about suboxone and instead of making it a long term thing, would have only been on it for maybe 3 to 6 months.  My advice is yes Suboxone is helpful but it is another crutch, another addictive drug, another chemical that messes with your brain and just prolongs addiction.  Doctors all have opinions about how long, but listen to actual patients.  We are the ones that have actually been through it, taken it, and experienced it.  Good luck and keep fighting to stay clean...:)
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1697690 tn?1329127238
Hi,
I guess ill give an update here, its not exactly bad but its not great. I havent been using heroin but have been so depressed and sick and using some other prescription meds to "help" get by. I know its not a good thing to do, I am not completely sober but I am not using heroin either or any opiates and I am still going to school and working. I just cant deal with my head, my mind, and how depressed i am and the other stuff kind of eases that depression. Maybe I am screwing up I don't know, but I am just trying to find relief from this overwhelming depression without turning to opiates.
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1697690 tn?1329127238
If anyone has any suggestions to help with the depression that comes from detoxing im more then willing to hear them, but ive already tried things like natural remedies, and i dnt have any energy to excercise but i am up and about throughout the day moving around. I just hate being stuck alone with my own thoughts.
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Hey darlin', can you tell us what you are taking? That helps us answer your question better.....
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Thats GREAT that you're not doing the heroin or oxy's or any other opiates.  Is it the benzo's that you're taking now?  I know you were taking a small amount to keep the anxiety at bay when you were at your worst - is that what you're still taking?  If not, what? You mentioned suboxone once. Tell us so we can help you out.
You really sound better Harper - just talk to us more about what you're doing OK?  I for one am very proud of you for kicking the heroin and oxy's - that's tough stuff!

Keep posting...

S.
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I think the depression you're feeling is pretty normal with quitting opiates.  St. John's Wort is supposed to help with depression (it's all natural.)  Not sure if you've already tried it.  You could ask your doctor and see if they'll put you on an antidepressant.  But they take a couple of weeks to see results.  I'm not sure if there is anything that helps right away.

Sounds like you're pretty busy, even without formal exercise.  It's great you're able to keep up with your usual schedule.

You're doing great not taking any opiates!!!  What day are you on now?  Keep up the hard work; it's worth it.  What are you taking now?  Whatever it may be, I'm glad it's helping.  Just be careful if it's anything habit-forming.  I'd hate to see you have to come off anything else!

I hope someone has an answer for your depression.  I was put on Cymbalta for nerve pain.  It's an antidepressant.  I wasn't depressed at all before I took it.  It didn't help with the nerve pain and it through me into a very deep, dark depression.  I stopped taking it but the depression took a while to get rid of.  I didn't want to try another antidepressant after my experience with that and I just kept reminding myself that eventually it would pass.  It was very difficult to deal with.  Especially because I had 4 kids and things I had to do with them.  Even just talking with them was hard.  I wanted to shut myself off from everyone but couldn't.  It was about a month before I felt back to myself.

Keep posting!  So many of us are hoping and praying for you.  I hope the depression starts to ease.
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Hey Harper, day 7 off sub here now and seriously the only thing that helps is to walk. Even a short walk helps. It gets me out of my own screwed up head and it helps overall with everything.

I have zip for energy but force myself! It helps. Try it!

I'm SO proud of you girl! We didn't get like this overnight right? Give it time. Are you still seeing that counsellor? Getting that **** out of your head and off your chest will help a lot! Keep posting and stay strong my friend!!
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Just checking in... please post and let us know your ok. Worried about you..
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1828943 tn?1318548820
Hey, whats up buddy.... sounds like you have a canundrum going on. Work and school or death and addiction....You are not a disease, our friend, by any means, you are exactly who you are supposed to be, but you need help. Real uplifting and genuine help. I hope you can make it to a NA meeting, and just sit down and let it rip. This is the best school you will have ever become a student at. The whole community where you live will help with your recovery, just give them a chance. I live in a neighborhood with ten heroin dealers within ten blocks... the biggest buyers are college students.... you are not alone in this. You will need a doc (free clinic or what ever emergency room will take you... just leap
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Hope you're okay and that you post soon.  Getting a little concerned about you.
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1130110 tn?1325837820
Hey there hun,
Hope u are ok, no matter whats going on plz post so we know ur ok. I know how dark depression can be, and often the darker our worlds get, the harder it gets to let anyone in, i know i often have to literally force myself to meetings, and counselling sessions, and if it wasnt for my 2 yr old i doubt id go out at all when im really down, but no matter how im feeling his world must continue, he needs mummy no matter what!
Have u been to rehab? Im off to inpatient soon, i just cant do this alone, i really think it would be good for u, our using history is very similar and addiction is a hell of a monster to defeat and rehab provides a real solid foundation to recovery, something i think i think we all need and deserve!

Big hugs to u.
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While I am reading your post I am crying because my son was the same way and the same age. I hope you are still trying to get clean my son went through the same thing I do know he  also suffer a lot of pain as a parent you want help because you want take the pain but it up to you. You may not think it but you have a lot ppl that love you and beacuse of the last 5 years you thought you lost them but someone is on his or her knees pryaing for you. It will get better believe in yourself. You are the captain of life you make the choice of your life not the drug take control we all go through something in life you are not alone. My son is doing much better we still worry but he has taken control of his life.
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Hey Harper, It would be really nice to hear from you....

S.
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So many people have been helping and following your story for so long.  PLEASE post something.  Anything...

Alot of people are scared and thinking the worst...

Post something...let us know you're alive.  
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Hoping and praying you're okay.  I hope you'll post something and let us know what's going on.  A lot of us have been praying for you.  We know how hard this has been for you.  Just let us know you're alive.  If you haven't been able to beat this yet, it's okay.  You will do it.  Right now you have a lot of people really worried.  Please post a little something!
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1697690 tn?1329127238
hi everyone
I just spent some time re reading this thread, wow it is painful to read about how dark my life was and how depressed I was. I so appreciate everyones suppoert though and I wanted to write an update, finally a good update. I got outside support, the secret is out, and I am now almost two months sober from everything!!!. I feel better, I dont wake up dope sick anymore, I feel like an honest person and I am doing the right thing with my life. I am not on my own, i have in person support, and ive been surrounding myself with sober people at all times. Its a lot of work but every day tht  i stay sober i feel better and thats a gift that i dont want to lose.  Thank u everyone so much for all ur help.
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you are an inspiration harper!! hang in there!! very proud of you!!
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1855076 tn?1337118903
So glad to see how much you've accomplished!  It's worth all the hard work.  You had such a rocky road, and you should be so proud of yourself!  I'm really happy to hear from you!

(mellie4)
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1416133 tn?1351126817
OMG harper!!  This is WONDERFUL to hear.  I've thought about you and wondered how things werew going.  And to see this post - well it's the best way to start a day!  SO so happy for you.  I am so relieved to hear you have people who are supporting you through this.  It will continue to make all the difference in the world.

Thank you for the smile!  :)
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1653969 tn?1390335261
So glad to hear! I was just thinking about you yesterday and was hoping you were OK. :-) congrates!
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O my god, I just read every post and so glad to hear that your clean, I am still using but reading everything u have gone thru is very inspiring!!!! Hope everything works out for you, shoot me a message anytime w some tips!!!!
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GIRL!!!! An early Christmas present to yourself! I am absolutely giddy with joy right now about you. Please post again soon, because it will give the newbies hope---and mostly because all of us that knew you when you were struggling are delighted to hear the good news!
And the angels sing........
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Read the entire thread - Congrads!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I hope to be in your shoes in 30 days.
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glad to see you mad it so many try and dont you had a fight on your hands but you have one and the prize is yours congrats on your clean time drop by more often.........Gnarly
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1646706 tn?1322170780
so happy for you! you're quite a bit farther than me, but I'm right behind ya. It's a strange coincidence that I stumbled upon this thread today, I had been thinking about you just the other day :)
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1697690 tn?1329127238
thank you so much everyone its so nice to hear all the encouragement and it feels good to finally be able to come back here with good news. yes i will definitely come on more
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Awesome! Inspiring! Congrats!
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1697690 tn?1329127238
Thank you!!
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1697690 tn?1329127238
Just wanted to check in here. I am 7 months clean and feeling better each day. It is hard and its been a battle and theres been lots to deal with but there have been beautiful moments too. Not waking up dope sick, going back to school/work sober, living each day without the constant feeling of having to meet my dealer get more drugs get high...excercising, being around friends and family without being high or thinking about needing to get more drugs but just being there with them, feeling some peace in my mind and working through all the ****. And i definitely don't miss that dope sickness feeling. Ugh thats the worst. Anyways to anyone out there trying to get sober please dont give up on yourself, I wanted to so many times, and I am not here to preach because I still have a long road and a lot of work ahead of me, but it is worth it, it can be done and everyone deserves a chance to experience it.
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271792 tn?1334983257
It is so good to hear from you and see that you made it to the other side. Keep going forward and keep working on you. The rewards will be worth the struggle. You are in my prayers.
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I, and many of us are right here in the same boat with you. I'm 3 years deeper in, and am proud you were able to recognize the harm you were doing at 22. I still thought I was invincible, on top of the world when I was 22.

Stay strong, do you have any support? Family or friends that are local?
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How long before you started sleeping bettter once you stated getting clean. Im on Day 14 myself and am finding inspiration from your story. Also Energy how long before that started getting better. AGAIN you are an inspiration to many of us dealing with the effects of our bad descsions. Continued Success in all you do in life. Well done!!!!
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Hi there Harper,

I can't tell you how great it is to read your post -  You've come a long way in the past 7 months, and I'm glad to see you're winning the battle against your addiction.   Congratulations to you girl...you SO deserve it.

Sandy ♦
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1235186 tn?1339127464
hi harper,
it is so wonderful to get an update from you. CONGRATULATIONS!!!
on your clean time. i am so happy for you that you are winning the battle day by day. it will continue to get easier. are you in counseling and/or support groups? keep up the good work. you are doing awesome.
continued blessings
debbie
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2116781 tn?1337040479
HarperOc, just wondering how you are making out? I have been thinking about you and praying really hard.you can certainly make it through, no matter how terrible you are feeling right now. Push through, and reclaim your life, you are sooooo worth it.
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2116781 tn?1337040479
HarperOc, just wondering how you are making out? I have been thinking about you and praying really hard.you can certainly make it through, no matter how terrible you are feeling right now. Push through, and reclaim your life, you are sooooo worth it.
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Hey Harp

I remember being on here together detoxing. I was newchapter0523 then but I couldn't seem to log in with that screen name so changed it. It will be one year for me in 3 weeks!! I'm so glad you were able to get clean. I know the tough road it is but it is SO MUCH better clean right? I'm trying to come on this site to give back and encourage others to get through. This site was SO helpful for me and I will always be greatful to the people who supported me. Take Care and God Bless!!
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1697690 tn?1329127238
Thank you everyone for the support. To answer someones question, yes i am in support groups/ AA/ counseling etc. weekly. Each day it is getting easier. Starting to feel normal again, feel good about myself, and hopeful about life. I am excited each morning when I wake up and no longer dope sick and crawling to the dealer, that is a blessing. Something I didint think possible. I am so grateful for my life right now. Of course there are bad days too, and not everything is all perfect, but i've done a lot of work the past 8 months to get here, worked on a lot of emotional and personal stuff and did what everyone told me to do, on here and in my life, and so far it is working. Today is a good day and I am sooo grateful. Thanks everyone for the support and comments.
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271792 tn?1334983257
I am so very proud of you Harper. Way to go lady and keep up the good work!
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1416133 tn?1351126817
Me too - you are a true inspiration to me harper.
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1697690 tn?1329127238
Thank you :))
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Dear HarperOC,
I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support
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Dear HarperOC,
I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support
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Dear HarperOC,
I was clean for 3 years, using 4-7 lortab a a day. I relapsed a year ago when I went into the casino industry as a black jack dealer and started using oxy for pain and a better attitude towards my players.  I got clean on  dec 4 this year and have not used in 24 days. I have not been back to work yet but I go back on the first. I a freaking out about it.  I cry all the time too, still!!! Plus I am 40 years old starting all over again. My family does not know about my addiction because they would disown me.  Thank God I have a great husband but he's hard to talk to and he is getting bitter about me not making any money that we need to live. I am so scared to go to an na/aa meeting in fear that someone might know me and tell my family.  Plus I'm scared to drive because my brain is all over the place and I can't focus.  I hate my job but it's the only thing I can do to make a living.  
I can tell you this, today is better than yesterday.  I get anxious in the morning and late at night. Mostly cause I feel all alone at those times cause my husband is either sleeping or working.  But those anxious times are becoming smaller windows of time everyday.  Still freaking out about going back to work on January 1 but I am going to a dr on the 30th to talk.  I had a bunch of anti- depressant drugs but they all made me sick to my stomach, and nausias so I had to stop taking them.  Wondering if anyone out there had the same feeling on cymbalta, trazadone??? It hurt my stomach so bad to take them.  I still have them but I'm scared to take them....it would be really nice to hear back from some of you out there...I feel all alone in this quest and really need some support
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I hear from a lot of people that although it's not what it's decribed for, the drug lyrica does wonders for w/d symptoms. Also with Anxiety/depression. I take it for seizures and nerve pain but I notice my mood gets better with it as we'll.
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