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How Do We Get Over Our Past?
I know I can't be the only one who struggles with the things they have done when using. I did some very bad and crazy ****. I am so ashamed of my actions. My reputation in my hometown is pretty much ruined. I guess I shouldn't care. Other than Facebook, I don't see anyone from there anyhow. But I do care. I feel extremely embarrassed about the things that I have done when using. I made a fool of myself. I looked like a psychotic person. I made up any and every lie to get my pills. I acted like a crazy person when I was dumped by a boyfriend when I was on pills. I am completely level headed now, and I just cannot fathom why I behaved that way. Those pills turned me into a lunatic. I thought I had control of my actions, but looking back now, I had no control whatsoever. My body was running on high autopilot. How do I start to mend this sham, guilt and embarrassment. I know the program and counseling I am receiving will help me with that, but I don't think I can ever get over it. What if I run into someone who knew me from that time? How would I handle that? "Sorry I was a crazy, classless, sociopath to you. It's OK though because I am sober now!"??????? Yeah, probably not.
Where did you go, honey? I think about you often and wonder how you are doing.
We are all messes, honey. No one is perfect, and I'm positive you are being over-critical of yourself. Anyone who judges you isn't worth your time or energy.
You won't ever be fully recovered until you learn how to have compassion for YOU. Show yourself some mercy...you're no better or worse than any of us.
I have never met a perfect person. But I have met some real jerks, mostly in my town, mostly rich, white, so-called "Christians" who think they are better than everyone because they drive an Escalade and make a lot of money.
Don't worry about what anyone thinks, and remember that the way a person treats you speaks VOLUMES about who THEY are...not who YOU are.
When I first got divorced, 21 years ago, I went a little nuts and dated a biker for a brief period of time. (only a couple of weeks.) He was bad and dangerous and I though it was exciting (I had been married to a shrink who controlled me and had me convinced that I had all sorts of issues that were actually HIS problems.)
I broke up with the biker-dude (who ended up dying of a drug OD five years later) but not before making a spectacle of myself in town. He had a 1970 Harley with those loud tail pipes. We rode on it one summer night to a local restaurant. He drank too much, then we had a fight in the parking lot because, fortunately, I DID know enough never to get on a motorcyle with someone who had been drinking. Anyhow, he roared off on the bike and circled the restaurant, making a ton of noise and prompting a bunch of people to call 911.
I was humiliated and embarrassed beyond belief. My landlord, who wasn't even THERE that night, showed up at my house the next day and told me that "this sort of behavior isn't tolerated in our town" (judgmental b*tch)
I live in a wealthy suburban town in New England...full of rich white folks who just live to hate everyone who isn't like them. (I'm not rich, and truth be told, I can't wait to sell my home and get out of here, as soon as I can.)
Moral of the story: I am KNOWN for this incident that happened over 2 decades ago. People still whisper about it when I walk into a store in town. I hear versions of the story, which has now benefited from years of embellishment. It makes me laugh, actually. The story told NOW is so ridiculous (I was high on cocaine, I was the one driving the motorcycle, everyone was half-naked, etc. All untrue...)
I actually stopped going to church because of all the gossip around this incident. The priest (I'm Episcopal)--a woman--told me I needed to address "my problem" with the good folks at the church and "repair things" before I'd feel comfortable in her parish. I told her I thought she was a judgmental piece of cr*p and that God was watching. (And now THAT incident is being passed around town...)
Needless to say, I feel like the a freak here. I moved here when I was married to my first husband, who made a lot of money. Then I divorced him, moved into one of the ONLY rentals in town, and raised my daughter by myself (while HE moved to Florida to marry his highschool sweetheart.) I should have left town, but I didn't want to traumatize my daughter further by putting her in a new school system.
I don't fit in here. Even when I bought my own house...even when I remarried. I'm still the black sheep, the poor divorcee, the biker's GF.
I've decided that people who judge, and gossip about other people are some of the lowest form of scum that exists.
DARE to forgive yourself. DARE to hold your head high, and NOT feel ashamed. Wise, compassionate people don't hold others past actions against them.
Remember Jesus said "Let he who is with sin, cast the first stone."
You're okay my friend...and you will get through this and come about BETTER than before.
Hugs,
-Robin
We are all messes, honey. No one is perfect, and I'm positive you are being over-critical of yourself. Anyone who judges you isn't worth your time or energy.
You won't ever be fully recovered until you learn how to have compassion for YOU. Show yourself some mercy...you're no better or worse than any of us.
I have never met a perfect person. But I have met some real jerks, mostly in my town, mostly rich, white, so-called "Christians" who think they are better than everyone because they drive an Escalade and make a lot of money.
Don't worry about what anyone thinks, and remember that the way a person treats you speaks VOLUMES about who THEY are...not who YOU are.
When I first got divorced, 21 years ago, I went a little nuts and dated a biker for a brief period of time. (only a couple of weeks.) He was bad and dangerous and I though it was exciting (I had been married to a shrink who controlled me and had me convinced that I had all sorts of issues that were actually HIS problems.)
I broke up with the biker-dude (who ended up dying of a drug OD five years later) but not before making a spectacle of myself in town. He had a 1970 Harley with those loud tail pipes. We rode on it one summer night to a local restaurant. He drank too much, then we had a fight in the parking lot because, fortunately, I DID know enough never to get on a motorcyle with someone who had been drinking. Anyhow, he roared off on the bike and circled the restaurant, making a ton of noise and prompting a bunch of people to call 911.
I was humiliated and embarrassed beyond belief. My landlord, who wasn't even THERE that night, showed up at my house the next day and told me that "this sort of behavior isn't tolerated in our town" (judgmental b*tch)
I live in a wealthy suburban town in New England...full of rich white folks who just live to hate everyone who isn't like them. (I'm not rich, and truth be told, I can't wait to sell my home and get out of here, as soon as I can.)
Moral of the story: I am KNOWN for this incident that happened over 2 decades ago. People still whisper about it when I walk into a store in town. I hear versions of the story, which has now benefited from years of embellishment. It makes me laugh, actually. The story told NOW is so ridiculous (I was high on cocaine, I was the one driving the motorcycle, everyone was half-naked, etc. All untrue...)
I actually stopped going to church because of all the gossip around this incident. The priest (I'm Episcopal)--a woman--told me I needed to address "my problem" with the good folks at the church and "repair things" before I'd feel comfortable in her parish. I told her I thought she was a judgmental piece of cr*p and that God was watching. (And now THAT incident is being passed around town...)
Needless to say, I feel like the a freak here. I moved here when I was married to my first husband, who made a lot of money. Then I divorced him, moved into one of the ONLY rentals in town, and raised my daughter by myself (while HE moved to Florida to marry his highschool sweetheart.) I should have left town, but I didn't want to traumatize my daughter further by putting her in a new school system.
I don't fit in here. Even when I bought my own house...even when I remarried. I'm still the black sheep, the poor divorcee, the biker's GF.
I've decided that people who judge, and gossip about other people are some of the lowest form of scum that exists.
DARE to forgive yourself. DARE to hold your head high, and NOT feel ashamed. Wise, compassionate people don't hold others past actions against them.
Remember Jesus said "Let he who is with sin, cast the first stone."
You're okay my friend...and you will get through this and come about BETTER than before.
Hugs,
-Robin
COMMUNITY LEADER
Recovery takes time. We start out with baby steps, not big strides. I know you are angry with yourself and the situation you are in but dont let that define who you are. You will get thru these emotions with time and patience and then your actions will speak louder than words.
I am a 51 yr old female, a mom, and a grandmother a, a partner of 17 yrs, a professional, and I'm an addict who has been battling drug addiction since my early teens. In and out of treatment facilities, and Phych Units and rehabs, only to repeatedly relasp. My first clean time was in my early 20's attaining 10 years. The things I did back then were unspeakable, nothing was off the moral scope. So I thought, I also Thought I had had enough, but needed more research, because I believed I could control this addiction by switching drugs, substituting drinking, changing places, hanging in new crowds. Always resulting in lowering the bar of any moral compass. At the end of my last 5 year run I lost everything. My son to this disease, my relationship with my Daughter and Grandchild, my profession, my relationship, my health, everything was gone. The worst was my intrigidy ! I had several other periods of clean time since those early days, but always went back to the allure of using. But I had been in 12 step programs thankfully, and when I was serious about getting clean I worked a decent program. That's where I learned to let go of the early days of shame, the stupid **** we do anyways in our 20 something's knowing nothing about life, let alone being an addict. That was the easy stuff. Then as I got older and knew better, and the bottoms got lower and lower, the desperation of needing to use turned into doing anything to stay high just to function. I got clean 7@1/2 months ago. And returned humbly back to 12 step programs, never judged, beat into the ground from guilt, remorse and shame. But was ready again to do the work, I wasted no time emersing myslef into the program and started my step work. No amount of Therapy ever afforded me the piece of mind, and the self forgiveness that needed to come first, before I could even begin to be forgiving by others, that happens in a 12 step programs when one is truely ready. I have been making my amends to others, some were declined and that's ok, action speaks louder than sorry. That word was taking off the table years ago. Some I can only make to myself as some people are no longer here. It's been a freeing process and little by slowly my life is falling back into place, and I walk with intrigidy today. it takes a lot of work, and a lot of pain at times. But those painful times recalling my past bring me the greatest rewards, because I someday may be able to take those experinces and spare others my story my sharing my experinces, some of which I do now just by sharing in meetings. I have yet to tell my story, as it's been years but when I do. It won't be because I'm ashamed of it, because it's my story. The only difference today, is it no longer defines me.
A grateful recovering addict named, Denise
A grateful recovering addict named, Denise
I havent made ammends yet but my sister who i use to try and kill who I have hurt physically and mentally spoke a few weeks ago...she said dont make ammends stay clean one day at a time and be the person mom and dad wanted me to be and thats ammends enough...we cried
I said sorry my whole life and kept doing bad things. My parents are dead, my ammends is not using and sharing my story to try and help 1 person...because thats what they would have wanted
I would NEVER go back to an old stomping ground...
and the dealers I owe I will never pay back, they were dumb for fronting a dope fiend play with fire I will get burned, my ammends is not robbing people...but all that comes later right now pray, have faith, do the right thing, and dont use no matter what and things will work out...my sponsor says that and they do...i dont understand it but they do
I said sorry my whole life and kept doing bad things. My parents are dead, my ammends is not using and sharing my story to try and help 1 person...because thats what they would have wanted
I would NEVER go back to an old stomping ground...
and the dealers I owe I will never pay back, they were dumb for fronting a dope fiend play with fire I will get burned, my ammends is not robbing people...but all that comes later right now pray, have faith, do the right thing, and dont use no matter what and things will work out...my sponsor says that and they do...i dont understand it but they do
I am certain Heather would agree, making amends isn't just honestly saying you are sorry. To make amends, for example, to how crappy I treated my wife as I was using drugs, I take her to dinner and walk in the park. I have to DO things to make up for the things I DID. That has taken some time and much still needs to be done, but making amends? It's DOable.
I agree with the above, we cant control what happened, i belong to a 12 step program and making ammends comes later. I have to accept the past is the past and try to be a better person today. I have to be honest all this I learned through NA. Try therapy something but know we all feel that way I just learned to live in today and it was hard, but possible
While you don't live there anymore it is your hometown and you care because it is a part of you...good and bad. It's where you became a person before you became an addict. At some point you may want to go back just to prove something to yourself If nothing else. Some of your triggers may be there though so I wouldn't do that until you are ready and only for a visit. As mentioned above therapy and meetings will be key in trying to figure that out and whether you need to go back and why.
Did you do anything really dumb as a kid? How did it make you feel? Now, do you still feel the same about that childhood event and do all your childhood friends and family hold that against you? This is not much different of a situation, you just need more time to pass.
Well, I can relate to this on a pretty deep level. I was a lunatic on drugs, now i am a maniac off drugs. So, I'm dealing with bad addict behavior in active addiction and bipolar in recovery. I don't just look like a psychotic person, I actually go psychotic and had a psychotic break a little more than a year into my recovery. I walked down the street screaming at the top of my lungs, "Kill me and pour my blood in the garden, then I will at least be of some good, JUST KILL ME!" This was to explain I know exactly how you feel, but I didn't just feel and look the part, I am psychotic, so, how do I accept that?
In a word, TIME. As time passes, I have shown everyone I am trying my hardest to be the best I can. New memories I've made with people in my new life slowly replace my shortcomings, we talk about the old me sometimes and it hurts. I don't show how it hurts, I just agree and talk about how I am crazy off drugs, then was even more crazy off drugs, and now I am just part time crazy. I seem like I was okay for awhile, then I go manic again and again. My bold honesty about my addiction, as well as being psychotic occasionally, has been helping. By not hiding nor denying my condition and speaking openly, people see me as a person with issues and who is working on them. Now, many people are terrified of bipolar, way more so than people are afraid of addicts. Even the cops called my wife, when I was truly psychotic, and released me early to my wife. They were being tough guy cops, until I told them I am bipolar/addict, they immediately became nice a bit nervous.
I blamed myself for being how I am, I blamed the world and corruption, then I blamed God. I chose to take pills, but didn't choose to be bipolar and there is no cure. I will still go crazy over and over. You know, the longer I keep being my very best, the less I give a crap what anyone says or thinks of me. I can't do any better, so there is nothing more I can do to please people. Accepting my past and myself, as I am, is likely the most difficult part of my entire recovery. Somewhere around 2 years, I noticed people loosening up with me, like they see me as a new person now, even though I still go psychotic. I guess I share all this to say, be glad you feel like you are healing. I became far more crazy after detox, and everyone saw it. So my answer to your question is, YES, you can say, "Sorry I was a crazy, classless, sociopath to you. "It's OK though because I am sober now!" Then you will have to prove it for more time, but yes, anyone who is a good person will accept the new you. If they are not good people, you don't need them in your life anyway. Keep working your recovery, all the other issues slowly work themselves out. Just because you feel over your addiction, doesn't mean everyone is, they were hurt too, so give them time to heal as well.
In a word, TIME. As time passes, I have shown everyone I am trying my hardest to be the best I can. New memories I've made with people in my new life slowly replace my shortcomings, we talk about the old me sometimes and it hurts. I don't show how it hurts, I just agree and talk about how I am crazy off drugs, then was even more crazy off drugs, and now I am just part time crazy. I seem like I was okay for awhile, then I go manic again and again. My bold honesty about my addiction, as well as being psychotic occasionally, has been helping. By not hiding nor denying my condition and speaking openly, people see me as a person with issues and who is working on them. Now, many people are terrified of bipolar, way more so than people are afraid of addicts. Even the cops called my wife, when I was truly psychotic, and released me early to my wife. They were being tough guy cops, until I told them I am bipolar/addict, they immediately became nice a bit nervous.
I blamed myself for being how I am, I blamed the world and corruption, then I blamed God. I chose to take pills, but didn't choose to be bipolar and there is no cure. I will still go crazy over and over. You know, the longer I keep being my very best, the less I give a crap what anyone says or thinks of me. I can't do any better, so there is nothing more I can do to please people. Accepting my past and myself, as I am, is likely the most difficult part of my entire recovery. Somewhere around 2 years, I noticed people loosening up with me, like they see me as a new person now, even though I still go psychotic. I guess I share all this to say, be glad you feel like you are healing. I became far more crazy after detox, and everyone saw it. So my answer to your question is, YES, you can say, "Sorry I was a crazy, classless, sociopath to you. "It's OK though because I am sober now!" Then you will have to prove it for more time, but yes, anyone who is a good person will accept the new you. If they are not good people, you don't need them in your life anyway. Keep working your recovery, all the other issues slowly work themselves out. Just because you feel over your addiction, doesn't mean everyone is, they were hurt too, so give them time to heal as well.
you dont owe those people a dam thing you worry about yourself and only yourself and if they really matter to you all that behaviour won't matter to them and if they dont matter to you then you have nothing to worry about you are too hard on yourself we are not perfect and shitt happens you are a GOOD person i can tell by your posts please dont do this to yourself this is the sort of thing the 12 step program will really help with this hang in there love your doing great!
COMMUNITY LEADER
This is where AFTERCARE comes into play....helps you figure these things out. It helps you to acclimate back into society. Trust me!!!
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