How am I back in this situation again?

[Alldone30]

Hello eberyonr. So I had well over a year clean from Tramadol but that was over a year ago.... In 2016 I was diagnosed with a very symptomatic pineal cyst the symptoms this thing is causing is horrendous. They gave me Vicodin with originally I declined. But it got to be to the point where I couldn't even function so I took the Rx.. and I was doing okay but then It was suggest I go on tramadol because it was a long term drug ... I know in my heart of hearts that taking it was the wrong thing to do but I convinced myself otherwise and now here we are again. I am beside myself with worry and depression and pain and most of all disgust. I don't want to go through withdrawl but even more I don't want to need these meds anymore. And if I do manage to get off then how am I going to manage my symptoms. I really don't know what to do. I have 40 pills left and I have sprialed out of control.w with then again. Idk how to stop or how to get through this again the first time was an awful night mare from hell and thinking about it makes me feel sick .. please guys help I'm so sad and lost and ashamed!! Thanks for taking the time to read my long post

Much Love,

Xoxo

[HomeChef]

You went thru w/d's once before, you can do it again.  This time, you know what to expect.  You are a lot stronger than you think you are.  I would recommend you get into a support group; NA, AA, anything that will allow you to talk to other people going thru the same thing. Take heart, you can do this, and you can manage your symptoms....you just don't know who at this point.  The answers will come, but first you need to get off this awful merry-go-round.  I wish you luck..

[motye51]

NO SHAME!!!!  You did it once, you can do it again. Don't psyche yourself out before you even start.....
Legitimate pain and drug addiction are really hard to address.  Have you told your doctor that you are an addict?  Perhaps having that in your chart will make the dr NOT write anymore then he thinks you would need?  Are they symptoms your experiencing going to be long term, or is there a procedure you will have done to fix a pineal cyst?  

[dominosarah]

Our secrets keep us sick so please talk with your doctor and tell her what is going on.  Hopefully she can help you with a taper plan.  You can and will get thru this.  We are here to help~

[clean_in_ks]

You can do it again!  Some outside support would be beneficial for sure.  Better than trying to do this "on your own" again and learning about relapsing. Physically, the gabapentin will help a lot, imo.
This link below may prove helpful to you.  At the end of the part on "Organizations", there are several Facebook groups I think you might find encouraging.  Finding a surgeon is discussed and many articles about pineal cysts that no doubt would help you.

https://rarediseases.info.nih.gov/diseases/10723/pineal-cyst

Once you make up your mind to get off the tram train again, telling your dr would be the best thing to do and switching to another medication may also curb some of the tram w/drawals.  I hope you dig up the courage.  Go read some of your posts from 2015.  We can learn from our past....so we don't have to keep repeating it.
Let us know how you're doing~

[Alldone30]

Hello and thank you for the responses.

To answer all of your guy's questions it's only the Tramadol that I have a problem with. I went on and off the Vicodin during my tramadol sobriety with absolutely no problems at all. I never over used it or became addicted to it. It's only the Tramadol idk what it is about that drug but it steals your soul. It must be the fact that it also has an anti depressant property as well as the synthetic opioid.

As for the cyst. I am trying to get someone to take the cyst out. There's only a few drs who do it and you really have to push for it but I can't live with it anymore. The symptoms are too much.

I never told my Dr about my addiction.. perhaps I should have then I may not be in the situation I am in. But I guess I was just scared. The Dr did say Vicodin is not the best for a long term drug which is why she switched. I wish to God I never would have took that first pill. I can't have these in my life anymore. They are making me miserble and they have to go. But oh my am I terrified of those with drawl symptoms they are pretty fierce from tramadol. I do have gabapentin which helped last time with the restlessness. I know there's no easy way out of this I just don't know if I'm strong enough to get through this a second time.

[clean_in_ks]

Welcome back to the forum, though sorry to read you're dealing with your Tramadol addiction again.  Motye51 asks you some very good questions.  Another question for you:  are you planning on having your pineal cyst removed or choosing one of the other options available if you are symptomatic?  The symptoms can be debilitating but there ARE options available that don't include your previous drug of choice.
As you said, you knew accepting Tramadol as a way to treat your pain was the wrong choice. You said above that you were doing ok with the Vicodin.  Does that mean you weren't abusing it like you do with Tramadol?  Did your doctor indicate that Vicodin couldn't be used long term but Tramadol could?  You could ask for another medication to treat your pain.  Pregabalin and Amitriptyline are also used to treat the pain symptoms from a symptomatic pineal cyst.  Perhaps you wouldn't have abuse issues with a different medication.  If you're honest with your doctor, he/she could help you with this.
It is understandable that you are disappointed in yourself.  But coming back to the forum and sharing was a GREAT first step in making new choices.  You can do this girl!!!