Aa
How can I face all this pain at once
well I can't tell you how many times I've been on here reading other ppl stories but I have never had the nerve to post before. My story is painful to admit, I was a loving wife, devoted to my family and my 4 children were my upmost concern, I wouldn't ever think about even taking a sleeping pill let alone prescription meds. I married very young to the most god loving devoted man I could ever ask for. My life was so full of joy just being able to stay at home and tend to my children and take care of my husband. Skipping forward now and trying to shorten my very long story my husband was diagnosed with a very rare brain tumor, and while this shook me to my very core I tried to remain calm and focused being very young with children I didn't know how to cope I guess, we later moved away from my hometown to his hometown due to mainly the cost of living he went from working making 6700.00 a month to literally under 1,000.00 yes one thousand dollars on disability we lost everything, I would give it all up still again this day what I don't understand is how I completely did a 180 in myself. once we arrive we moved in with his mother until we could find somewhere we could afford are 3 children are now teens and the youngest was 3. I went from never working a I can't even say high school drop out cause I never made it to high school the last grade I completed was 7th. I struggled but finally got my GED I had to start going to college and start some sort of career I knew my family depended on it I did amazing well for awhile a friend offered me a pill one day she told me it would help me focus better I was depressed I missed my family back home, scared to death and just needed something to give me a extra help with energy. I thought I had it all under control like everyone Im sure thinks. I quickly found others that were doing the same thing they hooked me up with a good dr and boom I got a script I had oxycotins and oxycodones I never took the Oxys cause I heard awful things so I sold that script for extra very needed money. I had to tell my husband bc we would question where the money is coming from. I told him everything was fine I wasn't taking them I was selling them except I wasn't getting my hands dirty so to speak. the Dr got busted for being a shady doctor. there goes my script the whole time I was taking the 30 mgs everyday without anyone knowing. My husband never caught on, this is where it gets really bad and please this is taking so much for me to say so I know this is going to sound horrible and ppl are going to think I am a piece of shi* and I am it's ok just please try not to be to harsh bc I'm having a terrible time dealing with this. my husbands tumor came back without warning, he came threw the surgery luckily fine, but they sent him home with a lot of drugs. he used a few but then didn't seem like he was using them so I started sneaking into them. He started noticing after awhile that they were missing, of course I denied it I told him he must of miss counted or took more then he thought this went on for 2 yrs I finally after many many fights told him I was taking them, One would think that he would pack my shi* and tell me to get out of his life but he didn't I still to do day don't know why. we are now shifting to 6 yrs later he knows I have this problem I have found different dr to get whatever I can get my hands on fill it and run out I had a script of 75 pills and they would be gone in less then 5 days then my husband after I eat mine starts handing me his I lost my script went to jail for stealing, was clean 10 days from jail the first thing I do when I get out took a pill it started all over, what is it with me I have been blessed with so much in my life why can't I just be happy without pills I can't functions without them its gotten so bad that my husband literally started snorting his pills just to see what I was getting out of it, trying anything to understand what I was going threw he would take money and buy me methadone when we can't even pay are bills but he can't stand to see me sick and he won't tell me no it's to the point where he know runs out of his meds 2 weeks after getting them he gets 120 30mg I tried a client with suboxone but honestly couldn't afford to keep paying 125.00 a week out of are pocket. So of course a few months off the pills I stop going to the clinic and blam right back into it. I have gone threw WD I don't know how many times each time is worse looking back Ive lost years and years of my life events I don't even remember being so high. I think I cracked when I lost my dad that along with living with the fear that I don't know on any given morning if I am going to wake up and my husband still being alive. I know I have self medicated myself over the yrs. Ive tried going to a therapist but I am to ashamed to really tell the truth of it all. I have once again ran my husband completely dry on his medicine there's no way of getting a new script so not only am I feeling anxiety of knowing in the morning I am not gonna have anything I also have to deal with the guilt of seeing my husband go without his medication there are times his head hurts so bad he had to stay in bed, I don't know how I became this selfish person bc I am not this person I let my family down I had to drop out of nursing school bc of being in jail I don't see getting a job in a hospital with theft charges on me. I have let everyone down, I'm not going to lie there have been many nights I've starred in the mirror at myself with no emotions at all until I know I don't have a pill. I've often thought a few times to just empty a bottle of sleeping medicine at one time, but something always stops me. So the last few months I have been going about 10-13 days without anything I know I can do it it's horrible I can't function I pray for mercy that I don't deserve and sware just get me threw this I'll never do this to myself again. Until my husbands next refill then it starts all over. I can't keep doing this I need to find a way to stay away without asking my husband to stop taking meds he really needs bc I have a problem. its not fair to him I know this deep inside to my very core but I keep allowing this to happen what do I do? I can't afford detox or rehab I can't afford to tarnish my name any worse then the jail with theft if I admit I'm a addict to I feel I'm sealing my fate to always be a no body and looser that let her family and husband down at the time I was needed the most, I literally struggle with there's no way out other then taking a fist full of pills and going to sleep forever, I just don't know if I could do that to my children and husband is there any hope that my mind will let go of this addiction I tell myself this is it at when it is happening I mean it more then life its self I went 13 days without anything felt amazing doing great it took about 11 days for me to feel like actually cooking or anything then blam I know the day he walks in the door with his new script it's out the window and here we go again. I feel worthless, depressed and I am all ready nervous and hands are shaky cause I know in the morning I have nothing to take and I am not ready for this feeling all over again. what the hell can I do? Please any suggestions or thoughts on how I can walk away from this one last time...is it true possible and if so why the hell can't I find the strength in seeing everything its done and just force myself to stay away from it. I truly am lost and scared and have no idea how the hell I'm ever going to break free sorry its so long just wanted you all to know just what I am dealing with I have no one I can really tell this to I'm so ashamed and disgusted at myself !!
I just want to tell you something, and I hope you hear me. You are NOT a bad person at all. We have all been there. Stealing the pills from your husband is not even nearly as bad as some of the other stories we have heard in NA or on this board. We have all done some nasty things while we were actively using. What is important is that you are reaching out for help and want to quit. And you still have time to fix everything you want to fix.
No one here will judge you. Keep posting and reading everyone's stories, and you will see that you are not alone. We will help you through this.
No one here will judge you. Keep posting and reading everyone's stories, and you will see that you are not alone. We will help you through this.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Our secrets "keep us sick...."
I dont think there's a person on this site that hasnt done or said something they regret in order to continue their using. No one on here is going to judge you. You've lost quite a bit...believe it or not you could lose even more. I think it depends on if your sick and tired of being sick and tired. If your ready to start a new way of life then there are numerous people on this site that r ready, willing and able to help u. It will start with making a plan....coming clean with your husband (who obviously enables u, maybe with the biggest heart, but still an enabler). We all have horror stories that got us to this point. Its actually kind of ironic, every speaker mtg ( where an addict gets up and tells their story) i learn more about the people around me in n/a. One of the major things ive learned is that none of us are unique! We all have similar **** in our lives that got us here. Its deciding if this is where we want to stay????
I dont think there's a person on this site that hasnt done or said something they regret in order to continue their using. No one on here is going to judge you. You've lost quite a bit...believe it or not you could lose even more. I think it depends on if your sick and tired of being sick and tired. If your ready to start a new way of life then there are numerous people on this site that r ready, willing and able to help u. It will start with making a plan....coming clean with your husband (who obviously enables u, maybe with the biggest heart, but still an enabler). We all have horror stories that got us to this point. Its actually kind of ironic, every speaker mtg ( where an addict gets up and tells their story) i learn more about the people around me in n/a. One of the major things ive learned is that none of us are unique! We all have similar **** in our lives that got us here. Its deciding if this is where we want to stay????
Great post Lesa.
I can't add much there. I can only tell you that you are NOT a bad person. You are sick. There is much work in recovery that needs to be done here and yes, it will be hard and it will be painful, but it is worth it. And so are you. You are in a fight for your life. Humble yourself now, ask for help and do whatever it takes to get clean.
I was on opiates for 6 years due to extreme and multiple chronic illnesses and subsequent surgeries. 3 years in I had a doctor question my integrity. He didn't believe I was in pain because the illnesses that I'd been diagnosed with (Crohn's and RA) were both in remission. I WAS still in pain though, a lot of pain. But when he began to say these things and then sent me to a psychiatrist who said I was too pretty and put together to possibly be in the amount of pain that I claimed to be- I started thinking maybe they were right. Maybe I was an addict. So I went cold turkey off all of my meds and suffered a mild seizure. They put me back on benzos and I lived without pain meds for about 6 months. The problem was I was in so much pain all I could do was lay in bed and cry all day. Some days were so bad I would vomit. I got referred to a pain clinic where I was the only patient out of 20 who was not on pain meds. I saw a pain psychologist, a pain physiotherapist, and a pain doctor once a week. They told me that my doctor and the previous psych doctor were wrong. I was obviously very ill, and they told me they would help me find out why. I was referred to a pelvic pain specialist in a larger city who performed a laproscopic surgery on me and determined I had stage 4 endometriosis, one of the worst cases she had ever seen. This supported my terrible pain and other symptoms. She put me back on opiates and on a list for excision surgery. Unfortunately, here in Canada there are only 3 surgeons who do this surgery and thousands of women in need. So as my wait for surgery grew, so did my pain and my tolerance for meds. At this point, feeling broken and worthless, I married the man I had been dating. I didn't really love him but I feared no one else would want me. I was broken. By the time I got to my surgery in September of 2010 I was on so many drugs I was a zombie. 150 mcg of Fentanyl and 40-60 mg of hydro a day. Plus benzos, prednisone, sleeping meds, muscle relaxers. My surgery was successful. The recovery was long and painful and during this time my husband began to abuse me. Verbally at first, and then sexually. He began to force me into intercourse when I was only one month post op. It was awful. THIS was when I began to abuse my meds. I literally ate them like they were tic tacs. No one really noticed because I had huge prescriptions and could get them whenever I needed. My doctor felt guilty for not believing me about my pain, so he would write scrips for whatever I needed.
Finally, after a particularly ugly fight with my husband after he'd attacked me, I left him in the middle of the night. I fled to my parents house where I lived in deep depression for several months. I couldn't eat or sleep and was so desperate for some kind of peace that I OD'd one morning. My mom found me and took me to the hospital. That was my wake up call.
I found a counselor, and I found a new doctor. I had lost faith in the medical system. I decided to get off the drugs so I began a long and slow taper. When I got to 150 mg I was so depressed. There was a voice in me that told me I had to get off them if I ever wanted to be happy and whole again. That was December 4, 2011. I googled opiate detox and found this site. I posted and asked for help, and I did whatever I was told to do. My parents were amazing. They supported me 100% and my Dad took two weeks off work to be with me through my detox.
I loved detox. Sounds sick I know, but it's true. I loved it when my feelings returned. I knew I was getting myself back, and I thought she was gone forever.
I engaged in vigorous aftercare. I investigated many avenues but ended up in SMART recovery, along with CBT and EMDR for PTSD which I know was the root of my abusing my meds. I got serious about my health and managed to keep my illnesses in remission with diet/supplements and exercise (mainly yoga) After not working for 6 years I began first to volunteer at the women's centre. I worked with other women who were addicts and living on the street. I went back to my art which I had given up. I am now a writer/actor/teacher/director. I opened my own school 7 months after I got clean. It is successful.
Sadly, my endo returned last year. It was slow at first and then like a freight train and it took over my life so quickly I was shocked. I was so scared to take pain meds that I would not fill the scripts. Finally my family and my boyfriend and friends intervened and convinced me that I was NOT the woman I was then, and that I had lived my recovery and could continue to do so. I needed to function and I wasn't. So I gave in and have walked a fine line with it for months. I am just over 3 weeks post op and tapering. I know I will be successful.
See, I learned how to love myself unconditionally in recovery. And I learned to forgive myself. I learned to fight for myself.
I want this for you. You have been through a lot, yes. But you are not a lost cause. As long as you are breathing you can make the choice to change your life. Please, consider everything that Lesa told you above. You are worth fighting for.
Lu
I can't add much there. I can only tell you that you are NOT a bad person. You are sick. There is much work in recovery that needs to be done here and yes, it will be hard and it will be painful, but it is worth it. And so are you. You are in a fight for your life. Humble yourself now, ask for help and do whatever it takes to get clean.
I was on opiates for 6 years due to extreme and multiple chronic illnesses and subsequent surgeries. 3 years in I had a doctor question my integrity. He didn't believe I was in pain because the illnesses that I'd been diagnosed with (Crohn's and RA) were both in remission. I WAS still in pain though, a lot of pain. But when he began to say these things and then sent me to a psychiatrist who said I was too pretty and put together to possibly be in the amount of pain that I claimed to be- I started thinking maybe they were right. Maybe I was an addict. So I went cold turkey off all of my meds and suffered a mild seizure. They put me back on benzos and I lived without pain meds for about 6 months. The problem was I was in so much pain all I could do was lay in bed and cry all day. Some days were so bad I would vomit. I got referred to a pain clinic where I was the only patient out of 20 who was not on pain meds. I saw a pain psychologist, a pain physiotherapist, and a pain doctor once a week. They told me that my doctor and the previous psych doctor were wrong. I was obviously very ill, and they told me they would help me find out why. I was referred to a pelvic pain specialist in a larger city who performed a laproscopic surgery on me and determined I had stage 4 endometriosis, one of the worst cases she had ever seen. This supported my terrible pain and other symptoms. She put me back on opiates and on a list for excision surgery. Unfortunately, here in Canada there are only 3 surgeons who do this surgery and thousands of women in need. So as my wait for surgery grew, so did my pain and my tolerance for meds. At this point, feeling broken and worthless, I married the man I had been dating. I didn't really love him but I feared no one else would want me. I was broken. By the time I got to my surgery in September of 2010 I was on so many drugs I was a zombie. 150 mcg of Fentanyl and 40-60 mg of hydro a day. Plus benzos, prednisone, sleeping meds, muscle relaxers. My surgery was successful. The recovery was long and painful and during this time my husband began to abuse me. Verbally at first, and then sexually. He began to force me into intercourse when I was only one month post op. It was awful. THIS was when I began to abuse my meds. I literally ate them like they were tic tacs. No one really noticed because I had huge prescriptions and could get them whenever I needed. My doctor felt guilty for not believing me about my pain, so he would write scrips for whatever I needed.
Finally, after a particularly ugly fight with my husband after he'd attacked me, I left him in the middle of the night. I fled to my parents house where I lived in deep depression for several months. I couldn't eat or sleep and was so desperate for some kind of peace that I OD'd one morning. My mom found me and took me to the hospital. That was my wake up call.
I found a counselor, and I found a new doctor. I had lost faith in the medical system. I decided to get off the drugs so I began a long and slow taper. When I got to 150 mg I was so depressed. There was a voice in me that told me I had to get off them if I ever wanted to be happy and whole again. That was December 4, 2011. I googled opiate detox and found this site. I posted and asked for help, and I did whatever I was told to do. My parents were amazing. They supported me 100% and my Dad took two weeks off work to be with me through my detox.
I loved detox. Sounds sick I know, but it's true. I loved it when my feelings returned. I knew I was getting myself back, and I thought she was gone forever.
I engaged in vigorous aftercare. I investigated many avenues but ended up in SMART recovery, along with CBT and EMDR for PTSD which I know was the root of my abusing my meds. I got serious about my health and managed to keep my illnesses in remission with diet/supplements and exercise (mainly yoga) After not working for 6 years I began first to volunteer at the women's centre. I worked with other women who were addicts and living on the street. I went back to my art which I had given up. I am now a writer/actor/teacher/director. I opened my own school 7 months after I got clean. It is successful.
Sadly, my endo returned last year. It was slow at first and then like a freight train and it took over my life so quickly I was shocked. I was so scared to take pain meds that I would not fill the scripts. Finally my family and my boyfriend and friends intervened and convinced me that I was NOT the woman I was then, and that I had lived my recovery and could continue to do so. I needed to function and I wasn't. So I gave in and have walked a fine line with it for months. I am just over 3 weeks post op and tapering. I know I will be successful.
See, I learned how to love myself unconditionally in recovery. And I learned to forgive myself. I learned to fight for myself.
I want this for you. You have been through a lot, yes. But you are not a lost cause. As long as you are breathing you can make the choice to change your life. Please, consider everything that Lesa told you above. You are worth fighting for.
Lu
Hello Searchingforhelpinohio. Welcome to the forum.. There is always somebody we can tell.. It is our addiction that prevents us from telling.. In fact telling on our addiction is essential to freeing ourselves.. I also stole meds for my hubby. I would run his script and mine for years till it got to the point I was consuming more then I could bring in. He like your hubby found out, for awhile he tried to give them to me when I was sick and out of mine but he would notice he would still be short for I was always getting into them There is no way I could tell him how many I needed a day not to get sick at this point I was taking 25 to 30 a day plus the soma and drinking as time went on he caught on to how fast I went thru my script. Then my back went out bad and the Dr.s gave me percs. 120 of them I still had control over My meds at this time I started to eat them like tic tacs.. too make this short I took so many one day I went into a psychosis that lasted for weeks.. This is when the world shifted. My hubby did not want to betray me but he was watching me loosing my mind I could not remember the house I lived in for 30 years I thought my family moved me I could not do simple math write my name I was gone... This is when my husbands education on addiction began Mine soon followed after joining this site.. He took me to my Dr. who backed me off the pills and forced to to see a psychiatrist our rehab. I choose the shrink not wanting to be away from my family, I still was not of the mind set that I wanted to get clean. Now my hubby has learned He got a safe with a key No combo.. he has the key on him at all times. He does not ever give of his pain meds.. He has learned to see me in wd as a good thing. I still had my meds the norco and soma for I was in pain.. but I was seeing the shrink it was with him I stopped drinking then stopped the drugs as I learned to care for myself and forgive myself of my past and to except the injustices done to me as a child.. Today I'm in recovery on dialysis waiting to treat my Hep C so I can get a new kidney. I was clean for 3 years till the need of pain meds again. Now hubby doles them out I never run out and take a prescribed. I do not get high.. I do not claim clean time but I do claim recovery of 6 years now. The reason I told you all this is so you do not feel so alone.. We all have done things we regret, I was a junkie at 16 you would think I knew all about addiction.. All I knew was half how to get high, nothing about recovery.. You have spent a lot of time reading here so you know what it takes.. Telling on yourself.. Telling your Dr. Speaking with your husband Letting him in too all of it.. My hubby would rather see me suffer then too die.. He learned to say NO.. You need to get some outside support as in AA NA a Psychiatrist a Pastor wherever you feel comfortable you need outside support NA meetings are free.. You have had a lot of stress and you think the pills are helping They are adding more stress to both of your lives.. Time to get honest Searchingforhelpinohio Starting with hubby then your Dr. cutting off any street supply's.. You need accountability but most of all You need to have the desire more then you want to breath. I was so so weary of my addiction in the end It felt like a relief to finally surrender and give up fighting the process.. You are not alone.. You can stop this madness Now but you need your hubby and Dr. on board You need to not be prideful and humble yourself You should not care what others think for you are saving your life, your addiction is trying to kill you.. You can free yourself You really can.. lesa
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