Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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563594 tn?1309586732

How can I make my husband understand?

Hey everyone, I just felt like posting since something has really been bothering me lately. I just passed to 6 month mark 4 days ago, go me! :D I am ecstatic, very proud of myself. I'd never made it this far in the past when I attempted quitting, maybe a 3 month clean stint at the most over 5 or 6 years. My mom is wonderful, tells me nearly every day how proud she is of me, my roommate understands (he was addicted to opiates at one point) and is proud and supportive. My husband on the other hand, says things to me that really bring me down and actually make me think about using again...I don't know if I feel those cravings out of spite or what, but it's a horrifying feeling for me. Over the last six months, I've been really excited for the 'birthdays', 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, and now 180 days! Every time I bring it up to him, this is word for word what he says 'That is what is EXPECTED of you'. Wow, thanks for the congratulations... it is extremely discouraging to me & I end up pissed off every time and that leads to my brain thinking about drugs again. It makes me cry almost every time, does he really not care? Does he REALLY think that is what is expected of me? I don't understand how he can say this when he was there when I relapsed multiple times, I was playing Russian roulette with my life on a daily basis and he thinks it's EXPECTED that I stay clean. Don't get me wrong, I love being clean, I'm happy and finally feeling like ME again. It's hard to keep that attitude when the most important person to me truly seems like he doesn't give a rats *ss what I've done over the last 6 months. Anyway, I feel like a broken record when it comes to this, I tell him to start reading online or talking to someone else who has been an addict, and he absolutely will not do anything, except tell me that it's just expected that I stay clean FOREVER. I guess that's why I have my mother (who was NEVER addicted to a thing in her lifetime), and all of you, the people who understand me best & what it's like to recover. Thanks for letting me vent once again ♥you all very much.
20 Responses
Avatar universal
Congratulations,every second you stay clean is a major victory. I just past my six month mark as well, although it took me becoming physically sick for me to get clean.I've got chest pains,cough up blood,dizziness and all kinds of other things ,
The dr thinks its from being shocked at work but I think it could be from my addiction. If I die at least I'm free of the *****  . It,s God's way of dealing with me                                                                                                                                                         I   've really bonded with my 2 boys lately.We've been camping,built a treehouse,rode our dirtbikes & 4 wheelers together and go to church every sunday.
I can feel  resentment from my wife and daughters ,I really am trying to make up for the past  .I've really messed up as a father & husband  but I've always expressed my love to my family & there have been times I was clean for over a year
Anyways,I'm proud of you and don't ever let anyone make you think 6 months of sobriety is nothing /You're that far out from those demons ,You ain't ever got to go back.
495284 tn?1333897642
Hi Panda!!  Congrats on that clean time girl!!  You are doing so well so be proud of yourself, we are!!!

As for your husband......many times the non addicted person just doesnt understand addiction and in your case he doesnt want too.  You need to keep your head held high and continue in your recovery.  Using out of spite is not an option here at all.  All you will do is hurt yourself.  Dont let his comments get you down.  This is about you.  I know it hurts when you dont get the support you want but just know that we all support you.  You stay on the road to recovery.  Hopefully in time he will see that your actions speak louder than words and he will come around.  He has been thru your relapses with you and this all might take time.  Be patient with him just as he has been with you.  Again, congrats on your clean time!!!!!            sara
229538 tn?1300381367
Hi Manda , its not so unusually to have a loved one not understand . My wife went balistic when I told her being I had never had a problem with any substance in my life ! She seemed to come around when I told her how I really felt about her lack of support . I told her I am not a perfect person but as my wife I EXPECT you to support and help me threw this as I would with you if roles were reversed ! For better or worse are perhaps words from our wedding vows that we should paste to our heads at times !   Congratulations on six months !   Your friend Jimmy
563594 tn?1309586732
thank you all very much :) I realize that it is a lot for someone who hasn't ever been through it themselves to grasp. I do have a wonderful husband who is supportive in every way, and even with this, he is supportive, just not as sensitive as I'd like him to be. We talked a lot about it over this weekend and he told me that he is very proud of me, he just wants me to stay clean forever, not just 6 months :) That's the plan! Thanks again Sara, Jimmy, and meagain, the support is greatly appreciated ♥
495284 tn?1333897642
Im happy you 2 talked.....sara
563594 tn?1309586732
thanks sara ♥
442658 tn?1563390091
hi manda...my husband is kind of the same way...he is very supportive but never remembers my days...months....i usually tell him when they come about...he doesn t really say much...i don t know....maybe no one can truly understand unless they have been through what we have done....i have one friend who calls me every 5th of the month...really makes my day special...we know who we are and we can be proud as heLL no matter what others say or think...congrats to you...don t even think about taking....it could be PAWS...hang in there...maria :)
1156346 tn?1294169694
Manda I know how you feel.  My wife doesn't fully understand the fight we are fighting.  I know she loves me to death but sometimes I get that look from her that just irritates me.  I think she gets kinda jealous because I am on this site and she doesn't get all the attention all the time.  

You are doing great and don't fall into the pitfalls that we all fell in during our addiction.

Take care of youself....
563594 tn?1309586732
you're so right Maria, it could be PAWS, and I know I'm not the only one who has to deal w/ this with significant others. That's almost the exact same response I was getting from George, almost blank for a while. He is telling me way more often since we talked that he IS proud of me. Maybe they just don't know how to show it. I'm proud of myself, and will not forget how far I have come :) You never forget either, you're doing wonderful! ♥
563594 tn?1309586732
promise I won't fall into that pitfall, I can see how easily it could happen. I guess never getting this far in the past is just making this time different, this is the LAST time, and I'm dead set on sticking to this forever this time. Congrats to you, so glad we are all here on med help :D
495284 tn?1333897642
I think one of the things a non addicted person thinks is once we are done taking pills that is it, addiction over.  They dont understand that this is a life long thing and the mental part is the hardest.  God only knows i wish it was that easy.   sara
Avatar universal
Personally, I hate the stigma that goes along with being an addict.  We can say it is a disease until we are blue in the face but society as a whole does not look at it that way...especially those closest to us.  It is very frustrating.  

Manda I am very happy that your husband is being more understanding.  That is really great news and congrats on 6 months...you should be SO PROUD!!!
563594 tn?1309586732
Thanks Shelby, I am proud! :) Sarah you are so right about everyone else thinking that once we stop taking pills, we're fine and everything is normal, and Shelby that is SO true about the stigma. I don't like to tell a lot of people, unless I feel like there's a reason to. Sad, it really is.
1167108 tn?1328442913
Congratulations on being clean. Keep up the good work. I grew up in a household where addiction was a way of life as my mother was addicted to both drugs and alcohol. I felt cheated and angry at her for chosing drugs and alcohol over our family.

To summarize its about time, trust, education and your actions. I believe that your husband feels that you chose drugs over him for some time. He resents you for this behavior. This will be a big obstale for you to oversome but it can be done.

Going to a support group together for vitims of substance abuse would be helpful. Your husband would also get educated about the fact that addiction is a genetically inherited disease. However in spite of this we are all resposible for our actions.

It is a two edge sword with the abuser focusing on one side of it and the family members focuing on the other side. Your actions of reaming clean is th best way to win over your husband's trust. Over time he will become less cynical.

I will stop. I have much more I could talk to you about. I would be glad to help you by giving you the victim's perspective to help you understand where your husband is coming from - just leet me know. Again you are doing great - keep it up!
495284 tn?1333897642
Panda, I hope you know you can talk with us.  You have alot on your plate now with losing 3 people.  Make sure to reach out........sara
Avatar universal
Only an addict can understand the true greatness of days clean.  Whether it be 3 days or 300 days.   We are here for you if your husband is not supportive.  I'm so glad I have everyone on here who understands the "feeling" of liking them, withdrawing from them, and an occational thought of use again.  

We are a team, all us pill heads!! LOL....  And CONGRATS!!!!  You are WONDERFUL for doing what you are doing for YOU.  YOU YOU YOU...go out and celebrate something for you!!!!  
563594 tn?1309586732
*I realize it took me a while to see your posts ladies sorry about the delay!...Lol

Sara, thank you! I do need to reach out I do know I can ALWAYS come here & talk about things, it helps me so much. Even when I come here to read & stay quiet sometimes (lurking LOL) it always helps, so many of you have been so supportive through all of this & I hope I've been supportive for some of you too. We are all in this together for the long haul & I hope to still be here on Med Help for many years to come and I'll be checking in as often as possible :) I'm feeling as okay as I can about the losses, trying to keep in mind that everything really does happen for a reason. It's really hard to find a reason behind someone being murdered and then having an unsolved case still nearly 3 weeks later. All in all doing good with remembering the good times w/ all of them. Rodney was the best dancer, so I just keep picturing him teaching everyone upstairs how to do the chicken dance LOL!

Violet, Thanks so very much for the congrats, today was 7 months clean for me & my husband took me shopping and I got 3 pairs of shoes AND a purse! I have probably been over celebrating with the shopping lately! LOL Thanks for being here! Hugs!
Avatar universal
Congrats on your huge accomplishment.  I don't have a lot to say other than please do not begin to use again just because he doesn't understand.  I Would give anything to have that many days under my belt.  If you have to celebrate please come on here and let us encourage you to keep up the fight.          
Avatar universal
I'm proud of you and the only thing that matters at the end of the day when you look in the mirror is how you feel about yourself. If it was a perfect world your husband would be more understanding but things are far from perfect in the world we live in.

563594 tn?1309586732
thanks chuck and downey, I'm definitely celebrating, maybe a little too much (buying way too many shoes lol) :) And I will come on here and celebrate as often as I feel like!
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495284 tn?1333897642
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