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Avatar universal

How did I get here....?

Where to begin.... Well I am 26 yrs old and I am addicted to percocets. It starred about 6 months ago when I had gotten into a car accident and was sent to a pain management dr. Which prescrbed me the pain killers. He gave me 90 10 mg pills a month which never lasted and I would end up buying them off the streets until my next visit to he dr. He was very skeptical of giving them to me in the first place being as I'm such a young girl but the pain is unbearable and I had no choice however I absolutely was abusing them because I couldn't get enough of that wonderful feeling they were giving me hence the running out of pills.
Slowly my life started changing... I didn't want to do ANYTHING, slept till 1pm every day, dreaded even just going to the store to buy cigarettes (another new habbit) I would just lay on the couch and watch tv alllllll day long. I gained about 10 lbs and noticed some serious mood swings and then came to the conclusion that this can no longer go on. But it was too late.... They got me already! I would try to taper but was getting very depressed and then would actually have to take them for pain and it would screw everything up. See this is the messed up part, I really do take them for pain but I want out! Bad! I want to be in control of my life again! So every week for the past month I have said ok this is the week I'm going to stop and I would start to take suboxone to get off these things but everytime I decided today is the day I couldn't handle the back and knee pain that I have so I would say ok tomorrow. Well, tomorrow finally came! Sunday evening at 10pm was my last dose of percocet, of course I overindulged bc I couldn't help myself but think why not? It's going to be my last time. So I got a nice buzz and flushed the rest down the toilet giving me no other option but to stop. So I woke up already feeling slight wd's but tried to stay focused. I went to work at 5pm and finished up by 12am. I felt pretty crappy but besides running to the bathroom and sweating alot it wasn't too bad. When I got home I was still scared to take the suboxone bc I've heard if you take it too soon it put you into immediate wd's. So by 1am which was a full 27 hrs I felt I was safe and took 4mg of suboxone and like magic within 10 mins I felt brand new! I'm glad I made this decision however I have many concerns which is why I'm here. One would be am I just substituting one addiction for another or can I take the suboxone for 3 days and stop without feeling terrible? I don't want to take them I want to be done with everything! Will I feel widthdrawal when I stop if I only take them 3 days? And then my other concern is the pain I'm in... Is there anything I can take that is not going to take control of my life? The pain is pretty bad so I'm really worried I won't be able to work without that burning throbbing pain in my back and my knees... I mean is it possible to be able to only take the painkillers when I'm having a bad day or am I now considered an addict that can not touch these things??? I'm so scared of what is to come. I feel lost... Any input here would be more than appreciated... I really have no one to talk to bc I'm scared of being judged and looked at differently by the people in my life that know me as the strong minded, independent  control freak in the family... Might sound stupid but I can't help the way I feel and the only word that comes to mind to explain that would be sad and vulnerable. Thank you in advance to anyone who will take the time to help a lost girl...
  
58 Responses
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518031 tn?1295575374
well ya know the funny thing is mosy of us ask that same exact question.."how did I get here"..took me 4 years, being adicted to percs and moraphine. That being said, you madw the big 1st step by admitting you have a problem. I can't help much with the subs, I cold turkied off the dope..but yes too me sounds as if you are exchanging one for the other...I have heard horror stories about sub..but have no real experience with it...you will get lots of love ad support here if you want to receive it...w/d's are horrible, but the whole process is well worth it, since your getting your life back...hng in there post here often, be truthfull to yourself and on here....God Bless...brian
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Avatar universal
Thank you so much for the support!! I've heard from a fe people if I take the subs in low doses for 2-3 days Max that it's very helpful and gets the opiates out of your system so I guess I'm going to give it a shot. I figure worst case scenario it doesn't work and I just have to go back to square one and deal with the wd's... Wish I knew more about this but I don't. The only thing I do know is that I am done! I'm taking my life back, one way or the other. I am sure I'm in for some rough roads ahead but I KNOW it will be worth it! :) god that feels so good saying that! Thanks again!
Helpful - 0
1167108 tn?1328439313
Welcome to the this site there are a lot of great people here who will offer you some very good advice. You need to find an over the counter substitute for your pain relief. ALos please consider joing NA as they are a great group that can help provide you with direction with respect to ypur recovery efforts. Suboxone is substituting one drug for another but can be taken under supervisin for a period of time ona perscription basis. A freind of mine is doing this sucessfully to date for seven months so far. Eventually you will taper off of it.

Good luck with your efforts and feel free to ask additional questions.
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Avatar universal
Congrats on getting there and stopping. Im coming up on 2 weeks off of vicodin and oxy. I took them legit at first too. As for the pain I'm not sure what is wrong with you. My pain actually isn't as bad as when I was taking the pills. I had back surgery and then had scar tissue on a nerve and arthritis settle in at 29. I'm 37 now and I feel much better off of the pills. It takes work though.  Exercise or PT for what's wrong. Motrin seems to work too. You don't need that medication there's always another way. Hang in there it gets so much better and not worrying about running out is sooooo nice.  
Helpful - 0
1406964 tn?1283203866
You're pain will be worse for a while specially after you've stopped the sub (which you must do, by the way- you don't want to be on it too long), but what you need to remember is that much of the pain you feel ISN'T REAL.

It will feel real enough and at times it will hurt like hell, but the alternative is allowing percocet to control your life for ever.

Much of the original trauma from your accident will be healed. The pain should have lessened. Unfortunately you have trained your brain not to feel pain, by blocking everything out with percocets. Your brain will compensate by creating more pain- partly just a natural response but also partly in the hope that you'll feed it more opiates to make it feel good again.

I would suggest you buy plain paracetamol and ibuprofen for the pain. Some people with bad asthma or stomach problems can't take ibuprofen but I hope that's not the case with you.  You can take them both together quite safely, but stick to the maximum dosages stated on the patient information leaflet. They are most effective if you keep up a constant blood level throughout 24 hrs, in other words, take them at the prescribed intervals, whether you have pain at the time or not.  If you wait until you have pain to take them, the pain will be out of control by the time they have a chance to take effect. Once your pain is controlled, you can taper them down until you're just taking them as needed.

Your pharmacist might be able to advise you about other OTC pain meds but I would strongly advise you not to take anything with opiates in. Once you've been opiate dependent, even the tiny amounts of codeine in OTC remedies can lead you back down that dark road.

If you then find that you still have pain issues, you could consider alternatives like acupuncture. Sure it doesn't work for everyone, but it doesn't hurt to give it a try.  Some herbal medicines can be effective too- best prescribed by a qualified medical herbalist.

You're doing really well so please say strong and give the list another success story!

Take care

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Avatar universal
I am in the process of tapering off of Vicodene, was doing very well but then I had a bit of a setback last week due to  a very stressfull time. I know that sounds like an excuse but you know, it doesn't take much for us addicts to come up with excuses. So I am again tapering, hope I can do it this time.
The reason for my posting here is to let you know that I have a friend who was taking 4 to 5 Roxy's-15mgs. a day. Well she had enough of the pills so her husband got his hands on suboxene for her. I think, I am not sure though, that they were 8mgs. Anyway she said she took one first thing in the morning, about 9 hours after taking a Roxy. Took them for three days, outside of feeling tired and having to run to the bathroom she said she did okay. She also mentioned that she took one-1mg. of xanax to sleep.Hope this helps. Keep up posted and let us know if this works for you. Good Luck!!!
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Avatar universal
I cant thank you guys enough for the support! this site is amazing! im on day 2 now and havent taken any suboxone since last night and i feel a little nausea and feverish but nothing crazy. the worst part is the body aches. my knees are locking and my back is burning but this was expected... i am going to wait until i feel pretty bad until i take another piece of suboxone. last night i took 4mg tonight or maybe even tomorrow i will only take 2mg and so on and so forth. i will not take them longer than 3 days for the mere fact that i believe that is a safe amount of time to not become physically dependant but i really have no clue. imy dr prescribed me some muscle relaxers which help alot with the leg twitches and flip flopping like a fish out of water and i am also prescrbed xanex which i never take but will take them also for no longer than 3 days. i may sound naive here, however i do not plan on attending any meetings or going that route in any way. i know i have a problem however i do not need to be surrounded by others with the same problems if not worse. i feel as though i need to just go back to my normal life like going out and doing normal activities with friends and family, focusing on my new business that i have just opened and putting all of my energy into that. this is a ver exciting time in my life and i do not want to talk about what i "used" to feel like while using drugs...i just want to move forward and get my life back. i hope what i am saying does not offend anyone because i genuinely appreciate all of the input and wishes of luck, but being the control freak that i am lol i have to do this my way...it may not make sense but it feels right. mainly right now im just afraid of widthdrawal but im strong and i can do this... i keep praying and praying for the strength. im only 26, i dont want to be in meetings i just want to live a normal drug free 26 yr old life....i probably sound very stupid to everyone who has been down this road before but i have faith in myself...i mean it has only been 6 months and im smart enough to quit while i still have my friends family job etc.... i know the consequences of staying where i have been and im not letting that happen. thank you everyone, your kind words have already helped me through this nightmare thatrt im in!
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Avatar universal
I promise to give this list another success story! ive never wanted anything this bad in my entire life!!! :)
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Avatar universal
HI ...well your plan seams to be working out so far ...I would drop the sub like you said in 3 days it wont have a chance to grab hold of you...as for pain I to suffer with a bad back and know back pain all to well but once your off the pain meds for a wile your pain clock will sorta reset itself ..first you just need to flush out all the narcotics then your natural endorphins
can start to work on there own again stuff like 800mg ibuprofine now work for me to manage my pain it never worked will I was on the narcotics and as you know they loose there effectiveness after time also....I here every word your saying that your strong willed and just want you're normal life back...but addiction dosent just go away on its own once you cross that line and feel the ''buzz'' and feed that it is like a monster that will lay in rest waiting for a time to jump back out and grab you again...addiction is not about the pills it lays much deeper in ones own mind it is the escape we seek with the pills not the pills them self that is the problem detoxing is the beginning to the end  aftercare is the treatment of the illness of addiction...not everybody goes to meetings you can hook up with a substance abuse consolor or an addiction therapist also a lot of us do better one on one then in a group...I cant over emphasize aftercare enough ....look your 26 you can bring this thing under control now wile your young or you can let it ruin your life by relapse after relapse in the future... most on this forum where at one point exactly where you are right now and thought exactly what your thinking right now...I know I did...I took narcotic pain meds for legitimate pain and went off them for periods only to return back to them again seeking releaf ...its a viscous cycle with aftercare it dosent have to be that way you can break this cycle and live in recovery..yes it will take some work but it sure beets "white knuckling" sobriety...I have tried it both ways...I wish you all the luck in the world and I hope your new business prospers but put some sort of aftercare in your plan and you will be successful and your addiction wont run you life ...God bless....Gnarly          
Helpful - 0
1406964 tn?1283203866
You know,

I  really think you WILL give the list another success story.

You know it will get tough from time to time, but we'll be here for you.

take care
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Avatar universal
Thank you for Helping me understand a little better what exactly it is I'm dealing with. It's crazy how something I never even knew existed inside of me came out without my even realizing it and then one day it was just like WTF?!?!? I understand much of what you are saying and I think I would prefer one on one like you had said... I think mostly I am just embarrassed and ashamed. I will look into a substance abuse counselor, I think I would feel more comfortable with that. this has to be one of the most difficult things I've had to deal with, the process is pure torture and the suboxones make me feel strange, tired and disoriented but I know I have to take the bad with the good which is yet to come. Thank you for your kind words and prayers. Everyone on this site is absolutely amazing and I'm so glad I came here!
Going on day 3! :)
god bless you all!
Marie
Helpful - 0
1406964 tn?1283203866
You're doing just great.

I know it must be tough going just now but hang in there and you'll feel a lot better soon.

Thinking of you.

Take care
Helpful - 0
Avatar universal
Going on day 4.... Took my last dose of suboxone at around 10pm and only took 2mg. Now only time will tell... I have been feeling pretty crappy even on the subs but I think that's bc I have been taking such low doses, reason being I feel in this situation, less is more... Now will be the toughest part for me not only going through wd's but I am working thard physical labor for the next two days and veryyy long hours but hopefully it will just keep my mind occupied. I will be prepared with immodium though lol. I must say I'm pretty proud of myself! I don't want to speak too soon but I haven't taken a percocet since Sunday. Not too bad.... And it feels so good to not have to worry about going somewhere and forgetting my pills or not bringing enough etc... I feel kind of free in a sense. Making it through the next few days is going to be the big test for me. Plus the weekends are usually when I would take them to get high not for pain so between working hard and passing the weekend without any meds will be a big accomplishment to me. Wish me luck!

" When you fall, you don't fall out of God's hands, you fall right into them" <3
Helpful - 0
1406964 tn?1283203866
Hi

Congratulations!

Day 4 is a great achievement and you deserve to be proud of yourself.

Being distracted by work (or anything else for that matter) is a great thing, but as you know yourself, you are going to feel rough, so don't feel too bad if you need to take a sick day or two.

You also need to think about what you want to do at the weekend, because you mustn't let yourself get bored. Ideally you need a friend around you. Otherwise, going for walks or laying in a pile of your favourite DVDd can be good distractions too.

If the going gets tough, get back on the forum, any time of day or night.

Thinking of you,

Take care
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Avatar universal
So....  It's been 2 days and no suboxone!!! I feel like crap butttt I feeel freeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!! I worked like a dog thurs and fri and today I get to relax drug free! The only problem is that I'm in soooooooooo much pain! Does anyone have any reccomendations for bad back and knee pain? I work really hard and my body is feeling it badddd now that it's not numb anymore. Thanks everyone for your prayers and support!
Helpful - 0
1406964 tn?1283203866
Hi

Well done on your 2 days!

Try paracetamol (tylenol) plus ibuprofen (Advil). You can take them both together. 5HTP helps with pain too.

For back pain, ibuprofen gel is good if you can get hold of it. Otherwise heat helps too.

It's not a lot I know, but I think you need to stay well away from any other analgesics.

Hang on in there and stay strong.

Thinking of you.
Helpful - 0
271792 tn?1334979657
I am so proud of you--you are working it!!

There are things you can do to ease the pain but understand that probably what you are experiencing is re-bound pain. Everyone I know, and some I don't, complain about intense pain during the early withdrawal phase. Time is your friend and right now time is your enemy.

You are so early into this and you want to feel better. But it just doesn't work like that.

The things I did to ease the pain during the first week are soaking in a hot tub--like a lot. I did light exercise and it does help. I slept with my legs elevated, such as pillows under the back o my knees. I took Motrin. I kept myself mentally amused by reading and doing crossword puzzles. I watched "feel good" movies and cried. (it took my mind off of it). And best of all, I went to a lot of meetings and talked with recovering addicts.

What I did NOT do was give up or give in to my disease.

If you really want this hun, do whatever you have to do to hang in there. It's a few days of being uncomfortable for a new life.

Keep posint , talking and asking questions. Mostly, hang in there!!!
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Avatar universal
Hi and congrats,

As others have pointed out, the pain you feel now is exaggerated.  This rebound pain can be helped by tylenol or advil.  Yes it's going to hurt but believe us when we tell you that it's going to get better.  Push through it and keep busy, stay distracted.  Clock watching is a brutal way to detox.  Find a task that eats up time and it will get you closer to feeling better.

That took some real honesty and courage to admit your change of heart on aftercare.  You are so wise.  I could have saved myself considerable grief had I learned your lesson as quickly as you did.  

Congrats again, you've done a great job!!!!

bob
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Avatar universal
Day 7...... The cravings the cravings the CRAVINGS!!!!!!!! I think I'm losing it!  With the sub I didn't have any cravings but now with nothing all I want to do is take a handful of pills and sit on my couch and watch a movie or play in my computer... Omg I sound like such a loser!!! I can't stop crying either... Idk why and I have no idea how to control myself. I usually drink like 4 cups of coffee a day and I haven't had any and I'm more jittery than everrrr! When will this be over??? I thought the physical part was going to be the worst part but I was neverrrrrr expecting this... This emotional mess that I am. And to top it off NOBODY understands! Even though they're here for me they're making it like I'm crazy and over thinking things and making myself crazy... Am I? I mean I'm crying right now, for no reason lol please tell me how much longer this part is going to last.
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Avatar universal
I feel the exact same way you do. I am on day 4 and can't stop thinking about using. I'm over the physical part but the cravings are driving me nuts! Like you all I want to do is take 2 or 3 vikes and watch a movie or something, but we can't. I already did this once before and regretted it like crazy. You think it will make you feel better and happy but I promise you it won't. Hang in there!

James
Helpful - 0
1406964 tn?1283203866
Hi Wishing,

First of all you're not crazy and you certainly aren't a loser. You need to be proud of your progress!

The symptoms you describe are all normal and they will pass. It's difficult to say exactly how long, but I would expect you to be turning a corner very soon, hopefully tomorrow.

Meantime, if you fancy a coffee, try hot milk with a little honey in it instead.  If you have Valerian and 5HTP you should take some now to reduce the jitters.

Otherwise, you need you distract yourself as best you can. On the computer, watching a favourite DVD or doing crossword puzzles- whatever floats your boat.

A walk in the fresh air helps too.

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time today but it will get better soon.

Hang on in there and re-post as often as you need to.

Thinking of you,

Take care
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Avatar universal
HI Wishing....well this is the mental part of the withdrawal your  experiencing most of us are an emotional reck  and crying is not uncommon I often say this is 1/3 physical and 2/3 mental...I never say it to play down the physical part but rather prepare you for the mental/emotional part of this...im sorry to here your craving but again its not uncommon
this is where the aftercare comes in....it can help you with the cravings and emotional stuff
by giving you the tools and skills to help out with it....it is often the physical part we fear the most only to get hit over the head with the emotional part...right now your emotions are going to be all over the place...this is normal for what your going threw the cravings come but its what you do with them that makes or breaks you....try to get your mind focused on something else...its best to try not to obsesses on them once you start that they dont go away if you can just get it off your mind they usually only last 1/2 hr or so...you need to stop romancing the high and wishing you where there...it is vital to getting past the cravings hook up with some sort of aftercare as soon as you can it is ez to be brought back down by the mental part of this thing....you will need to address it and soon I truly believe this is a battle one or lost in ones own mind...remember you are fighting for your life here so dont give up...try not to get discouraged by what your feeling ....feelings pass stay strong and fight it...your doing good you just hit a bump in the road you will get past it....I will check back with you later to see if your doing any better hang in there good luck and God bless,......Gnarly          
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Avatar universal
Hi!  The emotional part is hard to get past!  Long after the physical stuff is over, the emotions and cravings hang on!  Are you doing any kind of therapy or support groups?  You really need to do that so that you have some power and strength in you when the cravings hit!  And you have friends who are clean and sober to help you who understand and support!!!

Good luck!  Keep posting.  It seems to help when you get down, right?! : )
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Avatar universal
If it gives you any hope, I am on day 17 and I do not have the obession/ cravings like I did on day 4. I am feeling SOOOO much better. Keep fighting it out....you both are doing great! And I am right there with you....we will battle this together, ok?!

Stay strong!
Helpful - 0
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