How do I find the strength to start all over again?

[refills]

I've beatin down the Benzo addiction but I just had so much go wrong with my body I picked back up to drinking. I really don't think I have the energy to go through all the effects of withdrawal. They plowed me with medications to a point  I was taking over 25 pills a day. A stroke and a cancer diagnosis (with most of my right kidney gone) later, I had it. Now I'm looking at another cancer operation (left kidney) and I won't make it like I am now. I hardly had the guts to posts on here again but I have nowhere else to turn.

So basically I'm just checking in to say hello to all my old friends on here. Med-Help is truly amazing! .... ike

[mombojombo]

How are you doing today refills?  It has the potential to be a wonderful day. They all do and I hope this for you.  hugs

[refills]

This place is great. Thanks for all the kind words and pep talks. Not much has changed here, I keep waiting, wanting and expecting change but at the end of the day, everything is still the same. I just can't muster the strength.

It's hard for me to say this but the real answer is, I don't want to know what my future holds and what my health really is.

[atthebeach]

Hey Ike. Great to see your old post pop up.
If you can’t share everything here,
Is there someone that you’re at least sharing with in real life?

Each day we face our mortality. The older we get, the more our body breaks down, life events that happen. Many times it can seem extremely overwhelming.
I too ike  I’ve been going through big battles within my body and in my mind. That’s why I’ve been absent from here for a couple months.
. Each day is an upward climb. We just have to do the best we can. We have to reach out for multiple solutions and to multiple avenues. Too many times it’s hard not to get a straight answer from the professionals.And then that leads us to our own devices we know how that goes.

we have to continue to hope, keep the faith and do the best that we can to maintain a sense of peace. Whatever that entails for each of us.
Thanks for checking in  Ike. I love that you feel safe and comfortable here. Don’t be such a stranger. We need more activity here.
Keep the faith,
Debbie xo

[Holy_Pheonix]

You are a strong person to reach out for help, I will be praying for you.  Keep your faith!

[dominosarah]

Ike, we are always here for you so keep talking with us.  You dont have to be a prisoner to these substances so let us help~

[dominosarah]

Your doctors need to know what is going on. Medically they can help you and mentally we can help you.  You still have that fight in you as you are here.

[refills]

I'm, still here but just don't have the energy to tell you all what has happened in my life the past few years. Doctors are always leaving a bad divorce in the family that cost me my cancer urologist, It's just been a mess. Yet somehow..... coming here gives me a sanctuary like no other place. I missed you guys. Take great care.....  ike  

[Jade59]

Hey Ike...I journaled here for yrs, but like you, I just don't seem to have the energy to relay my life anymore...so I get it.  Also like you, I'm still here.  I check in every day although I may not make myself known.  You said it perfectly...MH gives me a "sanctuary", too.  I just can't leave.  

I'm sorry that life has been so difficult for you.  If it gives you any comfort at all, please know you're not alone.  

Hugs~

[mombojombo]

Hi refills.  I think the good thing to know is that there are people here who DO care.  That you can relay any bit or piece you wish or have time for and I want to listen.  You too, Jade.  So often we feel alone.  Even when surrounded by people.  We can feel alone.  I do, a lot.  I think lots of people probably want.  Need.  to reach out and doing so here is a safe way to do it.  Everybody has been through something and can relate to other people doing the same, even if it isn't the same something.  

Refills, you have cancer?  I always try to put in order things for my prayers.  I always pray first for my own health.  Not because I'm selfish but because I feel like I have to be here for other people to support them.  It's a lot of pressure to feel that way but probably again, I'm not alone.   So, I am sure cancer is a horrible thing to go through.  How is that going?  

[refills]

Thank You Jade. I think it's time I made some big changes in my life. AGAIN! Honestly, I don't know my way around this site anymore. I hope to keep on checking in...

[refills]

and Thank you Mom and all.

[Jade59]

Thank you, Mombojombo.  I've seen you around.  I like your posts and how you think.  You're very supportive and comforting.  

Ike...the site has changed big time, but once you get the feel of it, it will get easier.  Also, you'll feel so much better with those life changes.  You did it before, you can do it again.  I know it's Hard.  I'm not doing so well myself in that area.  No alcohol ever, but prescription meds continue, I'm sad to say.  

My husband was in a horrific accident 4yrs ago that left him a paraplegic.  He was in the hospital for 4 months.  Of course when he got home things were tough, but by now, we've settled into everyday life (barring accidents here and there).  Even after all this time, there are still some days where I can't believe it happened.  I really have no support, and feel very alone most of the time.    

Thank you both for your comments~

[10356]

You can do it again.. I know you can. I followed your advice to others and it was very sound.. You have it within you. You have the knowledge. You also have support.. You can do it again You life depends on it.. Wishing you the very best with added Prayers. lesa

[dominosarah]

You still care ike or you wouldnt be here.  The alcohol is adding to your depression.  Do your doctors know how much you are drinking?

[refills]

Heck no my doctor doesn't know. I guess the biggest reason that this is coming to the fore-front is I'm over-due for a visit with two of my doctors. My blood work will be horrific. I've got myself in a mess here.

For all I know the tumor in my left kidney has grown enough where it needs taken out. That's assuming that it's a slower growing tumor like the other one.

You guys are right. This is my first step in helping myself. I'm just not sure I can do it again. I'm hoping to start a weening plan but we all know how that works. Right now it's my only option. I'll try and stcik around and thanks all for the encouragement. ..ike

[refills]

17-20 beers a day. It's has gotten real bad and the depression has knocked me down. I'm wondering if I care anymore at all. I don't think I can do the withdrawals again.

[dominosarah]

Ike, i have wondered how you were.  I am so happy you got the guts to come back here.  You need us and we need you.  How much are you drinking right now?  We could start there.  Please know we are here for you and we care.  Hugs my friend~

[Davidmel]

Im so sorry. I will keep positive thoughts for you.

[clean_in_ks]

*tough enough*.....NOT *touch*......LOL   Sure wish we had an edit button!

[clean_in_ks]

Oh dear Ike.....SO SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm glad you found the courage to post and let us know how you are doing.  You already know what you need to do....but you are resisting, eh?
When our consequences get touch enough...we become willing to surrender and make changes.  Are you there yet?
We will stand right by you.....help you....encourage you....pray for you.
All you have to do is exercise your power of choice....because it is yours and yours alone.  I will be praying for you sweet friend♥      

[motye51]

I'm really glad to see you again.  I'm really sorry you've had such a bad run.  You know, under normal circumstances, I wouldn't say this....but if your going to have to have another surgery, perhaps now is the time to "prepare" for when your cancer free?