how many days? It comes in waves, it will pass, it will get better. Just hold on. The best thing for me (when I tried) was movies or tv shows (netflix) - it shuts off your brain and diverts your attention - try searching on youtube or also collegehumor.com has a lot of funny videos, humor is always good. going outside helps so much too, just feeling fresh air and seeing other people. It sounds dumb, but trust me it helps. video games too, do you have any? there are online games you can play for free, and trivia games too if that's your thing. but talk to people here, let us help, waste as much time here as you can so those cravings will pass... Just Hold On, it will get better.
You just have to keep busy, I mean REALLY busy and try to reditrect your focus. I know The cravings are tough but You just have to fight them. Are you going to meetings or any type of aftercare?? It can really help alot too!
Thanks evolv ugg Im in tears cause I know it's ridiculous I DONT wanna take anything but my head is trippin bad..I tried wat hing shows,music,took a walk,hot bath,.and through it all I can't seem to focus on anything but I wanna feel better so bad..I know it's gotta stop but for this moment I feel out of control..Thanks so much for just talking to me ..
Theresa..I can't get to any meetings I wish..ugg I can't drive anymore since I started loosing my eyesight off and on from the Lupus issues..my mom is my only ride and she can't know ..I feel like no one gets it that I am not me right now you know?? and I want to be that perfect me that everyone expects..I have work to keep me busy but it's sooooo hard to focus :/ I Admin for 20 sites and the issues are making me stress out ..blaghhh sorry guys Im a mess today :(
Ohh and evolv today is day 16 for me
Chocolate really helps or eating something. Anything strenuous, like vacuuming or walking. It does get better but cravings can come out of nowhere and you do have to learn to deal with them.
I really like the Chocolate cure :)
I'll give you something to do...
I am writing alot of poems down today but also giving advise to keep them from moving them : )
This on is called "Hope"
A butterfly flasps it's wings soaring ever higher
Fighting the painful winds, she begins to tire
She faintly hears a peaceful voice
Struggle no more you have a choice
Stop fighting the pain and descend to the ground
A sanctuary where you cannot be found
Twist the top and give me life
I'll help you through this world of strife
She's sliding down a slippery slope
But deep inside she still has hope
As you tip the bottle the beast gets stronger
The path to recovery gets much longer
Her beautiful wings begin to disipate
When it's time to fly it will be too late
Her will is gone, her heart is broke
But deep inside she still has hope
Admitting she's powerless, she prays for a hand
Struggling to fight and praying for an end
By reaching out for the hand of a friend
Her broken wings begin to mend
A butterfly flaps it's wings soaring ever higher
Sharing hope with everyone she will never tire
I wrote this poem to help you cope
Keep on flying, don't give up hope
Now I have to write somthing so they don't move this....
I know you want to do something but can't. Don't try anything, trying means you can fail. Do something and either way you win.
Good Luck and feel better : )
Well, what about therapy?? Your mom doesnt need to know why your going to therapy does she??
don't be sorry! that's why we're here. i know exactly what you mean about not wanting your mom to know, you need to keep that perfect image. when i go home to see my parents, I make up excuses to get out to meetings, I say I'm meeting a friend for coffee or going to a book store. but if there's any way you can get to one, you should do it. can you call a friend? can you tell your mom you want to go watch a movie or anything that can get you dropped off and picked up? i can help you find a meeting if you want, they're everywhere. it is really life-changing, it's scary but it would help you a lot. there might even be one you could walk to or ride your bike to, you never know.
I also know that spending time with friends helps, especially if they don't know because you're forced to pretend you're fine, and that actually has an effect on you, you start to ACTUALLY feel better. I have forced myself to go to parties and events while I"m in (mild) withdrawals to force myself to act normal, it's hard, but it works. or just keep talking to us, we're here and that helps, too, ha
Hey! I had a pill dream last night where I found a baggie full of all kinds of narcotic pills. In my dream I took the bag, but didn't take the pills...but kept thinking about it, fantasizing about it, and counting. When I woke up I wanted a pill like nobody's business. Then I stopped and thought about all I have been through in the past months to get off this stuff. I relapsed a few weeks back and had to go through that hell again these past 10 days and trust me...it isn't worth it! It started with just one and it woke up my addiction again. Plus, the high you get from it isn't any good because you feel guilty and your body isn't used to it. I actually felt yucky. You are doing the right thing coming here. Play the tape out til the end. Envision what a trap it is to take something and the insanity it will lead you to again.
OMG, the dreams I have had about pills!! Yikes!! It was almost worse than just having normal cravings!! hahaha
LOL Pat chocolate therapy ..I wish my tummy hates me I still can't eat right but that's more to do with my heatlh issues ..I missss chocolate ..Thank you for sharing that you have them too I don't feel so retarded for being this way..seriously..
Bubulous..wow I can't even explain what that did..I have butterflies tattoed all over me because I identify with them..that poem was amazing thanks!!
Theresa..Im considering asking if she can drop me off somewhere but I just don't know how I will do..I still have trouble walking most of the time..I try and walk for a but each day but it's pretty hard..I still need surgery on both hips one is bone on bone the other has bone fragments in the tissues..so I am scared to be out alone for too long tbh..even if i could get her to drop me off you know??
evolv..thanks I feel so silly when I complain or feel weak I guess it's me and my perfection issues..I always feel like i need to be the best the happiest the blagh blagh blagh and Im soo not ..that is most of my issues with the drugs ..yes the pain is real BUT the meds were more for me to be something I cant be..perfect ..
BTW thanks soooooooooo much everyone for just talking me through this I feel like my skin isnt crawling off while reading this stuff..I cant thank you all enough
seriously - i quit smoking 13 years ago and i still (occasionally) have a dream where i'm just smoking a cigarette and enjoying it and i wake up with INTENSE cravings - which i never have during the day, or ever really - it's only after those dreams. luckily it goes away fast but the brain is a powerful and tricky ocean to navigate...
Nolife4me..wow this made me stop and think :Play the tape out til the end.
It's so true and as much as I feel horrible for you having to go through it Im glad you reminded me that taking them wont feel as good as I think..when I did the CT thing it was because I was even miserable 80% of the time ON the meds and I figured why ..so why would I do it to myself after 16 days of hard work..but wow ..I mean its so ugggg you know ??
Theresa lol I haven't had any dreams about it THANKFULLY ..now watch I will tonight just cause haha
LOL evol I am an ex smoker too and I know that feeling..
That's a powerful visual for me. I actually play myself out taking the pill, counting pills, figuring out how to get more, if I have the money, what I will feel like if I can't get more, going through detox again, the shame, the guilt, the lying, the wasted money, what I could have spent the money on, etc. Everyone's tape is different, but watch the ending, over and over if you have to!
Evolv and Theresa - Those craving dreams seem so real at the moment don't they! It just shows how engrained the addiction is in us. Scarey!! Scares me that I actually thought about taking something this morning...even though I have none and haven't been craving in the mornings for a week now. I shook that off quickly after my brain finished waking up. Whew!
I know, I haven't told my parents or my sister for the same reason, I'M the one who always holds it together, the peacemaker, the one everyone ELSE comes to for help - so it feels strange to ask for help myself, but it sounds like you have been through a lot of medical hardships, and I'm sure you were exposed to this stuff through that - is there any way you would consider telling your Mom so she can be the for you, support you, take you to meetings? These pills are INCREDIBLY addictive and we have all fallen victim to it, but it's not your fault you were exposed. I am sure you Mom loves you and wants you to be healthy and happy and you're almost out of the woods, I'll bet if she knew how strong you've had to be to get here, she would be proud of you and willing to help. I know exactly what you're feeling and I know if you could get to a meeting, it would be such a great help - sorry to sound like a broken record but I have 10 numbers in my phone I can call ANY time right now, people who have been through the exact same thing, and they will drop everything to help if I need it. It's amazing. I'm just saying - Your Mom's not perfect, right? I'll bet she knows you're not either (no offense, ha) - telling someone close to me the first time really surprised me, she didn't judge me at all and told me to let her help in any way she could, it wasn't what I expected.
I knew you had the butterfly tattoos....Just kidding that would be creepy lol
I wrote it for a girl in treatment, her name was Hope. I let everyone come up with their own meaning for my poems. There are alot longer ones and alot more complidacted ones. This is one of my favorite poems she asked me to write it and the first time she heard it was in an AA meeting early in her sobriety. She cried when I read it. I also read one that I wrote for her friend and she cried again. My poems are inspired by different people but they are about my own pain. I will eventually make one for this site and it will be deep. I love myself the same as I love everyone on here. I don't have the capacity for hate anymore.
Anyway glad you liked it. If you wish to print it I have no problem with that. If you wish to repost it some where I have no problem with that either, just put my name at the bottom somewhere....
LOL NoLife4Me I did actually play it out and man was it depressing...which is a GREAT thing..I have money now for christmas where I didn't before and I will have the mmoney next month for my best friend to come out and stay for a week or more and that wasn't possible before either..the drugs are not better than that and I need to remeber it..
evolv..I am the peacemaker too BUT the only reason i can't tell my mom is that two years ago when my Dr no longer could see me she helped me detox under the stipulation she would try and take my kids away if I bought the meds again..I did for two years now and I wont risk finally being clean just to loose them..I already have custody issues with their dad so sadly I can't even possibly risk it..I would not be able to live without them.I had to lie to my mom and say it was my kidneys again when I was detoxing ..That was heartbreaking enough ..
Bubulous..I almost gigglepeed reading that yeah would have been creepy considering they are covered by clothes haha..
Thanks so much for the offer..I will probably keep it to myself and re read it off and on..Thanks again.
Oh man, I'm so sorry, you're in a tough situation and of course, nothing is more important than your kids. And that's a great thing to help you through the cravings - just keep going back to how important they are to you, and how important it is to keep them in your life. You're so close to being free. Hold on.
evolv ..thanks for understanding..it is scary,but I keep thinking what is she does find out..drug test me IM CLEAN ..BUT I can't take the drama that would come of it Im way to fragile right now I cant even think straight..see if I relapse im screwed so that's why Im trying sooo hard to find ways to not take anything..
Agreed - you have to. And I'm sure your brain is making it so much harder. I really wish you could get to a meeting, it's a great release. I was SO skeptical about it, thought it was total BS - until I went. There are some websites with essays by speakers, those are kind of a great help too, just reading someone's experience, from start to finish. It can help to identify with someone. Or if you want to turn your attention away from all this, then can you have a friend come over and do something cheezy like a board game or cards or even just watch bad tv shows together and laugh at Real Housewives or something? Any kind of distraction in real time is a good thing.
I def understand the Kids thing., That certainly does throw a monkey wrench in it, but you have to try and figure out some type of aftercare. But can I ask, Your mom doesnt want you taking Pain pills anymore right? But I know from a friend of mine, how painful Lupus can be (especially before she had her hip replacements) so why wouldnt she be ok with your taking meds to manage your pain? Im just curious is all. I mean if YOU want to stop then thats all that matters and thats what you should do.
I am soo not skeptical about the meetings I would LOVE to have people to talk to that understood in a safe place like that ..I just am too terrified to be found out by my mom.. :/ As for friends everyone I know is out of state now or at least 6 hours south of me..I lost all of my friends here from shutting myself in for so long and only kept contact with my friends far away it was a coping mechanism i see now but it's left me very alone here..I would LOVE to have people come visit and talk and stuff but yeah..oh well
Theresa Thanks..it does make it a bit harder ..my mom does understand how painful it is but she also is crazy about rules as in I no longer have a Dr cause i lost my insurance so now NO ONE will take me..I have terminal status because I can't take the immuno suppressants(so far all on the market I am anaphalactic to) anyways so with my kidneys shutting down,kidney stones(supposed to have nephrostomy tubes but kidneys collapse every poke),hip issues,yada yada I can only get a Dr if I go about 2 hours out of here and I cant get there..tried and didnt work..anyways so yeah its been fun trying ..