Avatar universal

How do you get away from an addict you love?

It has been awhile since I have posted on here. My life is spiraling out of control and I don't know what to do. I posted about my boyfriend being addicted to shooting up morphine. Well 6 months later after lying, stealing and everything else that comes with it he is still using. I tried to get him into this program. BUT he has to be clean to get into it. He took a drug test today and failed for THC, morphine, Oxeys, caladpins(sp), and cocaine! I have lost most of my friends, My parents quit talking to me and I can't seem to get away. What do I do? How can I help him? He says he is willing to get help but I can't do it for him and I don't know how to get away. How do you get away from an addict that you love?
21 Responses
Avatar universal
You may need to Love yourself more. It is also your life that has suffered and believe me as an ex H addict it will only get worse. Know family know friends are you going to wait till he Od's or till he gets put in Jail. By now I think you know the answer to your question, like you said you can't do it for him only he can and he dose not sound willing. I wish you all the luck in the world. This is only my opinion as I'm sure you will receive support from others. Again I wish you only the best...
Avatar universal
Thank you so much! Thats what I need is support. I feel like I have lost everyone and no one seems to understand how hard this is on me. This is why I came back here. I don't know much about drugs so I can't fully understand what he is going through. But he use to be a good person. Can you tell me how long each of those drugs stay in your system?
477746 tn?1254784547
I'm actually more concerned about you than your boyfriend! And I know you probably already know all this, but I would reassure you that you do need to find a way to leave before it gets worse.

We all know there is no easy way to leave someone you love - no matter what. But at some point, you will *have* to protect yourself. Honestly, good intentions and actions are two very completely different things for an addict. You need to let him know that even though you love him, you need his actions to start speaking and not his heart. Don't let his addiction destroy your life as well. You don't even need to be judgmental about it - it doesn't mean you don't love him, and you should tell him that.

The only thing I can recommend is to come up with some very specific boundaries, the things he needs to do (detox, stay clean for so many months, fix things in his life, etc...) before you will consider being with him again and then force yourself to follow through with it.

Beyond that, there is not much you can do. It sounds as if you've been trying to help him all along and have stayed with him even past the point where you are no longer happy and losing all your other relationships. He's going to have to come to a point on his own where he's going to want to change more than he's going to want to continue using. So *please* protect yourself at this point before it gets any worse.
Avatar universal
For me that is the million dollar question.    I am here  absorbing all I can, for my daughter,  she says  wants to be off oxy.......made it 15 days  and  bam a relapse.   I am educating myself in everyway possible to help her. I am proud of you for seeking help as well.

Please read, process  and really  think about what the very kind people here will tell you.  Some comments may make you upset,  some make you cry,  but    everything you will read  is incredibly honest  and in a way  that  (for me ) I wouldn't know  otherwise without their uncondtionaly  candor and support.    It is so very  important for you to help  your lover by listenening  to  a person  that has been  where he is,  OR  in  your shoes.

I also attend  Al-Anon,   don't agree with all of it,  but I need  and do  go, if I say I am going to help, then I need to make **** sure I take advantage of all the help available to me  just as I expect my daughter to do.  Talk to a councelor.   If your lover has a doc,  be there for his appts.      I could go on and on.

You're here,  listen       listen     listen      .      My daughter's addiction is destroying her and her family,  but I will fight.   With all that  I am  I will fight this while there is still a chance.

Good luck, my dear.  Please let me know how you are doing.
Avatar universal
I understand completly all I want to do is cry. I can't belive I let my life get so out of control. I had a good life before I got with him. I have my own house, car, I teach grade school, I have HIS 2 beautiful boys. And now I just want to die. I feel like I have nothing left and no matter how hard I try I can't get away. I know that this life is not what I want and trust me I have tried to get away but I am not strong enough. I don't know what to do and I am so scared!
Avatar universal
I wish my mother was here to support me. She says as long as I continue to see, or try to help my boyfriend then she will no longer talk to me. I was once told that idle hands are the devils handywork and I believe that whole heartedly. Everytime I am alone I miss him and run to him. I know he loves me but he is tearing me apart. I appreciate everyones advice and that is all I can ask for. I feel like I have nobody and I need you guys!
502050 tn?1243602535
As an ex coke addict and as a new recovering ( big word for the first 24hrs) the others are right it will only go farther down hill from here unless you realize sometimes tough and distant love is the only thing to help you. Be tough get away leave no way for him to contact or find you. Then he may get serious about getting help otherwise you are slowly commiting a suicide by killing yourself in worry and cutting those you love off because of him.
Avatar universal
Let's get this in perspective.   I have yet to meet a man that I would give my life for in a New York minute,   but our children is  a different story. Maternal instinctl  I wish I could erase my earlier post.       If you are too tired, beat down, discouraged (and trust me I get all of that and those emotions) to leave for yourself,  I pray to God you think of what enviornment you have your innocent and beautiful sons exposed to and living with, is that what you  want for them?  

I am so sorry if that sounds harsh. It is not my intent,  but this invloves, on an intimate level, more than you and your lover.  And for your children, it is time to be strong.
Avatar universal
Thank you so much. I feel as though I am killing myself. A slow agonizing suicide. With each passing day my life seems to progressivly get worse. With each phone call from him I get sucked in a lil more, with each time he holds my hand and tells me how much he loves me and wants his family back I get stuck back in this life I have become to HATE with a passion. And I know the thing to do is to leave him, to turn away and never look back, but I have tried and I have failed miserably time and time again. I know if I don't leave I will end up being nothing, having nothing, and eventually want nothing more then to die to stop all the pain.
Avatar universal
See thats the thing they are not even my children. They are his. I know I don't want them around this but they love their daddy and who am I to be the one to take that away from them. I would do anything for them and I have. I feel if I can help him he can be there for these boys and if I give up then it would be my fault they have no "real" parents! If they weren't his kids I thik maybe I can be a lil stronger. I don't know what to do and I can't handel this much longer
502050 tn?1243602535
Llardro pretty much says it all right there.  Believe me I know how hard it is 12 yrs ago I put an order of protection agains my wife for our childrens sakes. She would take them partying with her and even taught my then 9 yro son to drive. Her reasoning some one has to drive when I can't. I was not much better in my day, however I had beed clean and sober 2yrs by then. It has to be done so when all else has failed just do it!
Avatar universal
Dear lcka
It is your house Kick him out if not for yourself then for your children, you have to think of those precious kids. I had two children with my ex boyfriend who was also an addict I lost one to the courts due to his heroin addiction and I ended op giving him up for adoption so he would have a chance at life. I was in recovery and had nothing to offer Thank goodness my Mom was taking care of my daughter so I still have her in my life I have only told a very few this story afraid of what people would think of me. Right now I don't care I just don't want to see you loose everything for someone that is so willing to hang your and his kids life out to dry.
You are going to have to man up and take control over your lives, if you have to send your children to live with your parents for a little while while you deal with getting him out of your home.
Don't be the mistress to his drugs any longer. It sounds as if this is not a new situation and he has ample time and warnings from you and others to get a hold of his life.
I understand it hurts but it will hurt a lot more when you see the pain it will cause your children.
Avatar universal
First of all a parent is not made of semen  or an egg from an ovary.   Being a parent is to love, protect, support, provide and do so many things you don't want to,  but you do because you love your child so much.  One of nature's requirements........or so for most.  Do you have custody,  is their biological mother not around, or her rights have been revoked.... Do they have grandparents?    I guess I have a lot of questions.   If you family has always been supportive and are responsible and love you,     I woud strongly recommend you listen to what they are trying to tell you.        If you want to talk one on one please msg me..........because honestly I am very confused and want to make sure you get only help here,  and not my opinions  that I don't think will help.   Bless you and those  beautiful babies.   Good luck, my dear.
477746 tn?1254784547
I just want you to know - I'm reluctant to throw advice like that out because in a lot of cases, loved ones can make a difference. And it's just not possible to give up totally on someone you really love.

But in some situations, the best thing really is to get yourself out of the relationship until they change and keep a future for yourself (and possibly them if they help themselves) to be happy in. If you make it clear that you do love him and that if he will help himself you will be there for him - you may push him just a bit closer to winning that war within himself to want to change.

But he has got to help himself first and not just have good intentions for your sake. If you talk to him and tell him that, and if he really does love you, he'll understand that.
401095 tn?1351391770
agree with sablezen...the quitting part and the wanting it are up to him....u cant want something bad enough that it will spill over to him unfortunately...although sometimes people do realize what they have lost and what they have left...a bag of dope or a bottle of pills...and themselves to dwell in the puddle they have made of their lives...support can help alot tho...being there for him...if he is willing to accept ur support and really wants to quit...u 2 have it made
Avatar universal
I have an addict living at home and I have had enough of all the broken promises. It is very stressful to be with someone with an addiction. The lying, stealing, taking from others on a regular including myself & family. all the signs of an addict. I find all the things that he smokes crack with in my car, the house, and he clearly sits there as if it's not his. clearly denies it. No one else in my home has an addiction problem. Especially when I have struggled with his pain, the tears, the unemployment, and ridiculous criminal history. At this point, no one will hire him and he feels like an outcast because as he states, his self worth gets smaller and smaller as the days go by. Just the other day he stressed how tired he was of fighting addiction in which i mentioned to him he can never get tired. He has to keep fighting. This is so frustrating, because initially this was hidden from me. So, now i feel trapped because I feel like i am losing my mind, i am extremely unhappy. I just want to escape from this situation. I don't know what to do. all he does is manipulate every situation. My question is how can a person possible love you as they say but evoke all kinds of danger and inappropriate behavior in your life. I believe he does not even love himself. he constantly states he is depressed, yet when I attempt to get appts and have him engage in anything that would be of help for his condition, there's an excuse as to why he can't do this and that. He can't even get a job, which leaves me paying all the bills while he sleeps, eats and mopes. i work too hard to be stuck like this and I know that I havent lost my mind. what must i do to get away. i have even thought about taking the kids and myself and going to live in a shelter just to escape this unhappy situation. for me to feel this way to this extent, something has to be done. I am so tired of this, and i don't discuss this with others, becasue they either don't listen or don't care. so, I am expressing myself online to strangers in hopes of a resolution and for someone to enlighten me on this situation
2030769 tn?1343647674
i would start a new post so more people can see it.  When u live with an addict, their addiction can affect u just as bad, if not worse sometimes then them.  I just had to take drastic measures and kick my exboyfriend/best friend of 17 years out of my house knowing he had no money or place to go.  I realized how much i was enabling him to continue to use and it was completely making me insane to watch him slowly kill himself over and over again every single day & night. Last i heard from him he checked himself into a detox inpatient center.  I will always love him, but i will never live with him again.  Good luck to you.  And please message me anytime, I totally understand how this feels and am going through it too.
Avatar universal
I'm in the exact same situation and my heart is breaking over and over. I feel like I'm losing my mind and I can't start healing with his stuff at my house and him on the streets begging to let him come home. I love him more than anything in the world but he's destroying me. I feel so damaged that I don't even know how I will ever be with anyone else. His addiction has consumed him and me so I know exactly how you feel. I'm sorry.
Avatar universal
I as well need help I have been married to a H addict and we have two beautiful boys and I'm now being threatened it seems we have tried everything ... I use to think that I was a good mom until now I am being threatened bc he owes people money ! I'm at my end of the rope I almost feel that I want to die rather than be a hard working loving mom. I as well have lost all my friend and family is slowly trickling behind I wait for the day he goes to jail because its so hard to find it in myself to leave the father of my two children but I don't want myself or my children to be hurt over this crap ! I'm so lost and confused and I don't know where else to turn too ! Please help me !
Avatar universal
really sorry,, going thru it too.  have a little tiny one infant/girl , 7 mo old. she is all that is good.. feels like the whole world F-in *****, my girl is a drug addict, all alcoholics in my family all my life, man the **** ive seen,, i have to leave her.. **** her, its for my daughter now. wish i could help everyone in this spot...dont take this wrong, because this is just what im going to do.  not telling anyone what to do at all, but mabe it will help.  i have always been a tough s.o.b.. wrestling, jujitsu, good grades, honorable discharge,,,,, no one ever thought i would do anything but thru all this **** i did.. proud of myself.. anyway right now is brutal. she put me in jail, hit herself!, stole lied, cheated , for ****** years. and excuse my lang, dont mean to offend anyone, just how i feel like talking right now..anyway i hope this helps..

#1  i/you need to toughen the F up.
#2  be a part of somthing.  have a hobby, somthing u like to do.  for me its jujitsu, and why, because it makes me feel good and theres people that respect me there, and this drug addict ***** doesnt..
#3 u have to have **** to do!
#4 u have to have **** do do!
#5 be around these people, form a team with them.  even if u suck, just be happy and humble, and people will be cool w you.
#6  do this, and youll meet someone better or what ever..

sry man im out of time--**** is serious....**** it whatever. hope this helps
#1 say a prayer for real, it cant hurt
424839 tn?1268186246
the easiest way is get him thrown in jail then he will be forced to get clean and into a rehab setting then get away from it all... you need to take control of your life and this will be the fastest way to do it  
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