P.S - has anyone been addicted to pain killers and had to go through a death in the family or the death of a friend. I lost my best friend, Peter O'neill in the WTC on the 11th and I'm not even close to being ok, and I think that draws me in to take more pills cause I just can't deal with it. Any advice......
WE are all here for you. Don't beat up on yourself. WE at the forum have experienced all that you are experiencing. I am still on Vicodin , but, I know I have to talk to me doc and get a few , but, no where near as many as he gives me. I have terrible pain, but, I want only now to take when absolutely necessary. Can I do it? I am going to try like heck, and I have several times before. I have taken them for 6 years, but, only by doc perscription. However, I take all of them in the first two weeks and then have to go through withdrawal. It is killing me to keep doing this. I am going to get better, and you will too, when you want to beat it bad enough. Hang in there, we are your friend.
Here is my two cents re: dealing with death,
My husband has Hep-C and needed a liver transplant. He became very ill, close to death, I was watching him die. It was really hard for me. The sicker he got the sicker I got. I went to every doctor in this valley crying wolf about my fake pain just to get pills. And the doctors all believed me, so I got a lot of Norco/Vicodin. My addiction became my emotional home, it helped me deal with the possibility of him dying. To make a long story short, he got his new liver and is doing very well now. But I had to go through a rehab and be medically detoxed which was hell. Now I am off of all of the pain meds. (I don't have chronic pain) The point that I am getting at is now that I am off of the opiates I am a lot stronger emotionally. If I have to go through loosing anyone in death, I have a better chance of being strong now that I am clean.
I don't know if this will help, but hang in there!
Your story is just so common, really, you are far from alone!!
It will not be an easy road, but when you really really want it bad enough, you will find a way to deal with the cravings. The cravings are going to be there, there's no way around that, but you have to make up your mind that you want more for yourself then to be a prisoner to the drugs for the rest of your life. You also need to remember that it does get easier and easier as time goes by. It may seem almost unbearable at first, but know that it will get easier. You have to take it one day at a time, and not panic.
I'm still addicted, so believe me, i'm not preaching only trying to help.
I've stopped using only when forced to during a pregnancy, and I was feeling so good and so much better about myself. My addiction, at that time, was nowhere near what it is now, so it wasn't that hard. I have still yet to overcome it this time around! :(
Stay close, and lean on us here. We will help you through it.
I had been clean for many years when I was told that my wife had terminal cancer. This was confirmed by seven doctors at the time. I was a good boy from April to July of 1994. Then the screaming started in my head as I tried desperately to control my wife's pain here at home. One night I broke down and had a grand relapse. Ironically, she lived through her cancer but I had died inside. It took an arrest for prescription fraud, detox and rehabilitation to make me live again. I can't begin to tell you about the humiliation.
In 1999, my daughter passed away and the screaming in my head has never stopped. Her last phone call to me was to wish me a happy birthday! The next morning I got the phone call informing me of her death due to a grand mal seizure. I died again inside but am still here enough to tell you that your life must go on. You can make it...you will be just fine! Life is but a temporary thing but love is eternal.
You guys are amazing, I can't believe the out pouring of love for people that you don't even know. This forum has been an incredible help.
J.B - Your story stuck out in my mind and I wanted to let you know that you are all heart. It takes an amazing person to go through what you did and still are going through. Thank you so much and I will keep in touch.
All of you are great, I can't say enough, I am so glad that I have found this forum, if it wasn't for this forum, I would have already went to buy some more OC's off the street. Well, I have to get going, but you guys are awesome.
P.S - does anyone know the where abouts of other people who post, I mean, I'm just curious as to where most of you all live (state only) I'm from Massachusetts. Good luck to you all and STAY STRONG!!!!!
I just came in to turn off this computer and noticed a book for some reason. I started to push it back into the shelf with the other books but instead removed it. Inside was a faded white rose pressed between a napkin. The page was meant for me to read and share. Loved ones do come back to help us when we need them both in dreams and reality. The passage read:
I believe in one to one
and one on one.
No wine or magic
no hand-me-down Bible
can improve that.
I believe in spring
but only if I'm rolling in a pillow
or hold some well loved face
is any world green enough for me.
My daughter has spoken to me again! She has thanked me for all the visits to her with the white rose that I kneel to place on her grave backing away and sobbing. Someday we will be together again. I love you my baby!
JB, thank you for trusting us with such a poignant moment, your words really touched me and I will be thinking about you all evening.
GWH, I feel that I am blessed to have found this forum too. There is an amazingly sad story behind all of us here, and yet we come together to grow in our strength and escape from the usual outlets of our frustration. Welcome.
Addiction is so awfully powerful,destructive, and tragic,yet it is universal and leaves us all wanting the same thing....out!
I have trouble with cravings too, but I read what the Wizard wrote about them being whispers from the dragon, and that has really helped me. I am not so sure why, I have been an addict for 25 years with maybe one year and half clean time, but it does and I am grateful. I hope that you find something you can use here.
I just wanted to say your story really touched my heart. You have been through a lot in your life. My heart goes out to you. The first time I posted on this forum you replied and made me feel really good about myself. From all that I have read on this forum tells me that you are a very kind person. I wanted to let you know how much you have helped me. WW, Cindi, Frank Lee, Kstubin, Katie r, Skipper, Wizard, Thomas, Milo, Jennyfla, Irish Rose, Jbear, Franscoise, Shotsy, Little Guy, and Shea, I listed everyones name because you all have been a big help to me, I feel like I know everyone here, like you are all family. This forum has been a true blessing for me.
(I hope I didn't I leave out:)
On a personal note, I went through the death of my mom without any pills. Prior to that, I had been using hydrocodone recreationally, on a daily basis. I decided to clean up my act and then my mom died, unexpectedly and at a fairly young age. I stayed clean for about a week...and then I got the same sort of screaming in my head that JB described. After approximately two hours of deliberation, I decided that if life was unfair enough to take away my mom, I was justified in using pills again. So I started taking the pills to keep things calm and quiet.
And this has been the case ever since. Sure--in my mind, I am convinced that I needed those pills to help the emotional pain. There are even times when I believe that the pills are actually a miracle cure--I keep waiting to pick up the New York Times and read about the FDA approving Vicodin for the treatment of anxiety and depression. Ha! I'm a fairly intelligent person, but when I get sucked into the whole cycle of addiction, these thoughts actually make sense to me. Anyway, the scary part is that I occassionally run out of pills or decide to stop using. When that happens, I start thinking about my mom and her death and I get really sad. Sometimes I feel hopeful that I can feel this stuff again, because I've been numb for so long, and I actually feel proud of myself at the thought that I might deal with her death in a mature and healthy way. And then in a moment of weakness, I decide to wait and deal with things later--next week, next month--and I get another script. And so on, and so on.
The thing that frightens me the most is that my family and friends think that I processed my mom's death and that I'm "over" the worst part. Months ago, everyone was amazed at how calm I was and how adept I was at dealing with it. So now, it's old news to them. But of course, I didn't really deal with it. I was simply numb and under the influence. Now, I know I have to get clean and deal with it--but this time, I'm alone. So now I face the challenge of withdrawal and coping and grieving by myself.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that I think using opiates is a normal reaction for an addict facing the death of a friend or family member...but it certainly doesn't help in the long run. That pain does not go away. It will be there when the pills run out. And if I could do things all over again, I would choose to deal with stuff at the time that it happens, when I have a good support system. Because dealing with things months down the road after everyone has left is a very lonely thing.
Good luck--and remember, you have everyone here to help you...
(PS--I'm in NY)
I was reading and looking for some definate answer to that question and couldn't find one. My boyfriend is using Oxy-Contin and I am so scared for him. He denies the use to me, even though I already know. I don't know all of what he uses, but I have realized that this is a huge problem and I don't think that many people can quit by themselves. I used to wonder why he couldn't just stop for me, but I am slowly realizing that it is more than that. Just stay strong and be positive...you have already taken the first step in admitting that you have a problem Good for you!
JB, thank you, so much, for sharing that private moment. I also deeply believe that loved ones can and do reach out and touch us from beyond the veil of death. Grief is such an overwhelming emotion, and I seriously have a hard time fathoming how someone ever copes with the loss of a child.
Thanks for being there JB. You've helped me from my very first post here..in fact, as you may remember, you were the first person on this forum to reach out and help me when I made that first post, terrified to admit how bad my addiction was, terrified that I would be made to feel weak and bad and wrong. Your constant genuineness, your willingness to speak Truth even when it may seem blunt or harsh, and your endless commitment to helping other addicts even in the midst of your own and your wife's serious illness...well, it all boggles my mind. I'm grateful you are are you. What can I say?
I've felt extremely stressed out and overwhelmed lately...this time of year is very hard at my job. We get extremely busy, and crisis visits go sky high, I've also got my hands full supporting some friends who's marriage is ending, so I've not been as able to post much. Sometimes I feel so drained by my day and my life that I don't feel I have an ounce of anything left to give....and I don't always remember to do things to nourish and nurture myself....then I come here and read something like you just posted about the book you found with the rose, and suddenly my heart feels filled again...as if you helped me dip into a well of spiritual sustenance, and I remember that it is in giving that we truly receive.
Leigh, your words struck a chord in me. My daughter's name is Leanne but I called her Lea for short. I've got to get over this melancholy again. Thanksgiving wasn't the same here as I kept expecting to see her pop in as usual. I kept the front door open all day and sat there waiting as I used to do.
Yes, in fact, the pills help a great deal. They are so damn good about numbing any kind of pain that they must be outlawed. At least that is what society has determined. So we are left with alcohol which is far more lethal statistically.
Please forgive me for my many relapses. I have tried therapies, antidepressants, sobriety, religion and 30 days in a ward. At this time of the year I get pretty bad. I'm sorry! I will survive, however....just bear with me. Life goes on within us or without us.
I read your post. I know from my personal experience because of my mothers death that you can still make a connection. That's all been from a child's perspective since that happened when I was ?. Just went and got the info and realized I was 13. Now how could I go all these years and not acknowledge that? I truly believe I've blocked so much. I vaguely remember time lines. Is this the way I've dealt with things? I think so. Besides trying to numb myself to a certain extent. But I really don't want this to be about me. I know I need to give back something to all who've tried to help me. There's a website that I visited yesterday( www.johnedward.com) you may want to check out. He has a show on tv. And it's believable to me. I've often fantasized about spending a day with Sylvia Brown or John Edwards and all the questions I would ask. Not just the personal ones but the 'Bigger Picture' ones too. Know that I'm thinking of you, wishing you the best. Love, Shotsy
You can't imagine how glad I am to get a post from you now! It's been a long time since we have talked.
I am trying to cope with things that have been thrown me lately. Today, my mother informed me that she has melanoma. God damned it all! Why do I have to lose everyone I've ever loved in my wretched life? Be calm, Joel, I keep saying. Be calm and thank the Lord for everything. Maybe I feel too much and need to feel...strong, optomistic or numb...I don't know anymore.
If you will, look up towards Heaven and just say a little something for me. I can't do it for myself. I don't matter in this universe we call life.
Hi everyone. It's been over 6 weeks since I have been on the forum, and I have missed so much. I want to catch up with all of you, but know you have all been in my prayers. I have corresponded with the great Wiz recently and he made me see I still need you all so much.
J.B. Thank you for sharing that moment with us. I believe that your daughter is always with you, she just wants to make it a point once in a while when you start getting melancoly. It's like she's saying, "I'm ok Dad, I still have your love". God Bless you my friend.
Jenny I really need to catch up with you some night. Either instant message me, or call. I still worry about you girl.
Cindy Everytime I try to call you, I get that voice mail thingy. I am especially thinking of you right now, so close to Christmas. I know you are really feeling it right now. I will light a candle for your Mom.
WW I can't wait to start catching up. Your words of wisdom always touch me. Even though I am not an addict, you are so inspiring to me, and the way you touch others.
Dumb girl Yes you should be scared about your boyfriend. I lost a man I loved to oxy's and methadone. When it comes down to it, if he is abusing and an addict, if given the choice, he will chose the drug. I know, mine left 9 months ago, and is still abusing and added other stronger drugs now. He was up to 400mg's aday at least of oxy's, that doesn't even do anything anymore. But if you want some info and insight from the otherside I would love to talk with you.
Shotsy, Thomas?, Francois?, and Milo, and anyone else I have forgotten. It's good to be back, I have missed you all my very very best of friends.....Love Susan
Hi guy! Just realize it's going to be alright. You do matter in this life. But I'm not sure we can call it the universe. Ever wonder what goes on on the other side? I have. I imagine our loved ones champion for us.Trying to catch us when we stumble.Although why can't these medians get some info on the injustices in the world? Or do these perpetrators also have guardians trying to right them? Geez all that is too deep, I guess. Given your health I know you must subcumb to not feeling well. But I want your mind to try and trick your body into thinking it's getting well. Imagine your body's little soldiers circulating around and around your body. Whacking out the bad stuff. Cutting the invaders off at the knees. Positive in- positive out. Try it for me. I've been reading this quote for a month and still don't "feel" like I'm really getting it.But I know it's important. And here goes, if you get it let me know. More people rust out than wear out. I understand how rust works, at any rate I haven't had the 'revelation' yet.Let me know buddy, Love to you. Shotsy
Good morning my friend. I thought about you much last night. I prayed that you would find some peace during these trying times as it seems you have had so much to deal with. I brought home a new Labrador puppy last week so I get up much during the night to let her out. Around 3:00 a.m. as I walked her outside I look toward the Heavens to a wonderful sight. Although it has been storming, I was blessed to have picked a moment that the clouds had parted and the sky was freshly cleaned from haze and smog. I could see all the stars shining down on me. I'm sure you know the sight I'm talking about. It brought to mind how many friends and loved ones have passed in just my short time on Earth. Of course from there my mind wanders and I tried to imagine how many had gone on even before the few that I as an individual had known. Like the stars I realized that there were many, many souls. All of whom had at least someone who they in turn had touched in some way. Even if they had died at birth or lived for just a minute they would have touched a mother or fathers heart and I realized that each and every one of us make an impact or mark on someones existance here. It came to me how important and special each and every spark of life is, and what a gift of knowledge each one leaves if we only open our eyes and our hearts to it. I tried to remember something special about my dad, who left this world 3 years ago this December 11th. A flood of memories poured forth. A lesson taught in the field or beside a stream. Me waiting at the door as he'd come home from work with something as simple as a steel ball bearing in his lunch pail for me to use as a marble in a game against the big kid up the block. Or just a look of pride on his face as I caught my first trout. I miss him very much this time of year. Looking back up at all those stars and knowing each of them was someones somebody. Each one carried a memory in a heart of a loved one left behind so they could go on with life until such time they would join in the Heavens as a star themselves. That's when I knew my dad never left me. Not really. You see, all I have to do when I miss him is to look in my heart. God Bless You and All of us who have to face the coming holiday while missing someone dear to us.
Power & Magick 2 U,
Peace & Light on us all,
SusanLea and Shotsy I wanted to say welcome back, I have missed you both. I am sorry that I haven't posted much in the last day or so but the end of the month is at hand and I'm at my busiest and will be absent for a bit off and on. I just felt I wanted to say hello and welcome again. By the way Shotsy, nothing you write is ever too deep :-) Have a great weekend all.
Power & Magick 2 U,
Thanks for welcoming me back.I had a little physical crisis. But am back on my feet. Nothing I ever write is too deep? I'm not sure which way to take that. I know I wish for revelations which may never come by my own effort but I truly enjoyed your insight from your previous post. Do you think there can be spirit 'police' trying to make things right? I get worked up over things like that. The children who are hurt or kidnapped. All that kind of stuff. But right now I need to get back to my real work. Love to you, Shotsy
LOL! Ah my friend I guess that didn't look like how I meant it. I know I said I was going to be away for a bit but I had to straighten this out. What I meant was when you made the statement that you might be getting to deep in your post above, no can get too deep for us here on the forum. After all we are nothing but a family of REAL DEEP individuals. Everything you write IS deep and yes I do believe in spirit police. In fact, I think we are ALL sworn officers of that higher court. Keep writing and stay deep. Miracles and Revelations do happen!
Power & Magick 2U,
Do you happen to know how deep your mothers's melanoma lesion is or was? Is she seeing a melanoma specialist? It can literally mean the difference between life and death.
I am a melanoma survivor. A warrior. It's been four years since my face to face encounter with the beast, and I'm still here.
Get in touch with me at my private email. ***@****
Also, go to this site with your questions (there's a bulletin board there, and I doubt you have a question that can't be answered there, including where is the best place to take your mother for treatment, given where she lives.)
There's lots of help there, and here with me. Go for it!
For what it is worth, I, too, am a melanoma survivor. I had a cancerous mole removed from my leg 3 years ago and I have been cancer free since. I remember when I was diagnosed, I so desparately wanted to meet someone with a story of hope so here is mine for you. I will say a prayer for you and your Mom. We are all in this together. Take care, Someone else's Mom.
Wiz-Thanks for clearing that up. Geuss my insecurities were showing. Thanks again. JB- I miss directed you on that website-try www.crossingover.tv and it will direct you to john's web page.