How many of you have...RELAPSESED...Please comment

[rush2112]

RELAPSED before?  

I read posts on here and sometimes comment...i have been clean of opiates for a pretty long time, but remember the early struggle...

I relapsed a few times before i really got clean...it was frustrating...so many of us do...and it scares us...
I am writing this because so many of the newbies to recover relapse and beat the wholly heck out of themselves for it...
so I ask YOU ALL to please chime in...let them know that a relapse, although not ideal, seems to be the norm for most, if not all of us...so what's the key?  For me it was to not self loath and pick thyself up, dust thyself off and try try try again until success (one day at a time)

[lulu747]

I've been reading this thread and commented once but I've since re-read and want to share my story (the condensed version)  I started on opiates for chronic pain due to my Crohn's disease and RA.  I was on them about 3 years and then my crohn's went into remission.  I was still in a lot of pain.  I kept going back to my doc and saying something was wrong, he thought it was in my head and sent me to a shrink.  The shrink said I had borderline personality disorder.  I knew this wasn't true so I got a second opinion and from there was directed to a pain management clinic with full support groups and a pain psychologist.  I decided since I was in remission and they couldn't figure out why I was still in so much pain to do some research.  In this research I found that opiates could create more pain receptors and so I decided to go cold turkey to find out where I was at.  I was sober for a few months.  The pain got worse and worse but still the tests, xrays, mri's kept coming back normal.  I got referred to a pain doctor and he put me back on the meds.  Started with medical marijuana (capsule form) then tramadol which I hated.  Then I got into an unhealthy relationship and the pain worsened.  So I went back on the opiates.  I was finally referred to my angel of a surgeon who diagnosed me through surgery with stage 4 endometriosis.  I was infested and it took 2 surgeries to remove it all.  In this period of time I married the jerk that I was with and he began abusing me.  I began abusing my meds.  After my last surgery in 2010 I left my husband.  When I finally got away from him I realized I wasn't really in THAT much pain anymore, medically I was healing, that was when I realized I had a problem and began the process of getting clean again.
It was December 2011 when I discovered this site and REALLY got an education.  I went cold turkey again.  This was when I made my recovery my #1 priority. I've devoted the past 2.5 years to healing my body and dealing with my trauma and addiction issues.
Now I'm having a flare of the endo.  It's worse than before.  I held out 6 months before taking pain meds.  My relationship to these meds is completely different than it was 3 years ago- because I've done the work, am doing the work, and my recovery remains my #1 priority.
So- to conclude and make my point.  I think when I went back to opiates after my first detox I was relapsing.  Because I just took the meds, numbed out, and was a victim to my circumstance.  My life was miserable and I would do anything to avoid dealing with it. Yes I had physical pain, but not enough to justify the amount of pills I was taking.
Now I am taking meds but I DO NOT consider it a relapse.  Because I am working recovery with every breath and every choice I make.
I am being hyper vigilant about old behaviours such as isolating, victimizing myself, and sinking into a woe-is-me attitude.
I am fighting.
The key to avoiding relapse is to be working hard enough on your recovery to be vigilant to the signs and behaviours that trigger relapse.
This is a life long process that we all have to live, one moment at a time.
Lu

[dominosarah]

I was told to take the cotton out of my ears and put them in my mouth and so i did.  I still work on that one!!

[keith600]

Thanks, everythings a ok here and what is it they say? I thinks its "learn to listen and listen to learn '

[dominosarah]

Glad to see you keith!!  You are so right about seeing a relapse coming.  We relapse in our mind long before we pick up.  Hope all is well in your world~

[keith600]

One of the positives of choosing a home group and attending meetings regularly, sharing and just being involved is that other members can sometimes see a relapse coming just by the way one shares. A lot of times theres a buildup to a relapse, you just have to listen. Though a relapse is more common then not to say that if you never relapsed then your not an addict is absolutely wrong. That's like saying if your in remission from cancer and it hasn't come back then you didn't have it in the 1st place. Besides I DO know folks that haven't relapsed with years of clean time. On the other hand a relapse doesn't mean total failure, you DO have to quit to relapse.

[weaver71]

I think this is a subject that we all agree needs discussed. The mention of relapse as acceptable is the point made above. I agree, that is a closed minded way to think, but my mind was not very open when I showed up here. I was in a confused state, low self esteem, my priorities and perception were all messed up. Being open minded was not my focus, getting sober was. I now understand it more, but am not sure I was able to understand the truth behind open minded ideas my first days. I was constantly seeking loop holes or easier ways out. Logic was nowhere to be found in my mind, in that state, I don't believe being told a relapse is normal would have been a good thought to feed me, even if it's true, I likely would turn that around to excuse my actions or feel less scared of relapse. We are dealing with suffering people who are desperate, I think the above cautions are simply a reminder of that. Once there is a relapse, we all gather to support and guide, there is a time and a place for everything. I feel every single post on here is right, in it's time and place, even opposing views.

[Real180]

I just saw a few (very few) posts that insinuated that discussing relapse and it's place in recovery is also condoning it or suggesting that it is just part of recovery and may give an addict an excuse to relapse. I just think that is a close minded view on the topic and could be dangerous to people who relapse and hesitant to come clean. With that said I also want to point out that when someone does relapse and comes clean on this forum I have never seen it met with any negative responses only support, comfort and great advise... If I'm wrong or mis-interpreted something I read  then I apologize...

[dominosarah]

What was shocking to you in how it is viewed and discussed?

Relapse breaks my heart as i know the thought process when it happens.  You are left with more guilt and more shame.   I lived that world for so many years.  Just for today i lived the life of recovery.  I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, all i can do is hope i do the same thing i did today.  Coming here and being honest is a huge thing to do and very hard.  We find out we arent alone in this battle and that is very important.  

[VICourageous]

Very Well Said Real180..I really liked your reply..lol
Bless

[Real180]

Relapse is a scary thought for anyone in recovery no matter how much time one has. I know it occurs for many different reasons but IMO if someone goes into recovery expecting to relapse than they are just not ready -- a matter of fact that is just making a reservation to use again... With that said there are people who are blindsided by a relapse based on a given unforeseen circumstance... It's the latter that we work in our recovery to avoid or prevent but unfortunately even the most disciplined recovering addict can fall victim to it, IMO. We all fight each day to protect our sobriety which means protecting our selfs from a relapse for some of us that next relapse has some very, very high stakes as it could mean literally life or death... My whole point is that we as addicts have to accept that relapsing is part of the road of recovery for some and a plan of action must be implemented immediately if one occurs... I think there are people who feel a relapse is the end of recovery and just give up because they just feel they do not have what it takes then run and hide until the disease takes everything from them.. It's these people that I believe this thread is for because there are many people on here (including myself) who have relapsed but were able to fight their way back and that's what a person who relapses needs to see. They need to know that if your honest about your relapse and call yourself out that you did not throw away your recovery efforts -- you shouldn't give up... Anyone who is serious about their recovery knows relapse is a possibility not a given fact and anybody serious about their recovery doesn't think they have a mulligan. Pointing out the possibility of a relapse and how to handle it so it doesn't lead to further damage is by no means suggesting that it HAS to be part of an addicts road to recovery. Since relapses are just a fact for MANY (not all) addicts it is important for veterns to share there experiences so a person who relapses can see that it is not the end of their recovery... I know I pointed out the obvious and the opinion of most in this thread but I also saw some responses that shocked me in how relapses are viewed and should be discussed... Thanks for a great thread...

[AShellof_Me]

My friend... thank you for sharing your daily read... it's like you're reading my life. "That's exactly my story except for the details..."

[VICourageous]

AMEN!!!! Everyone!
We can not do it alone..Surrendering to God is what I had to do over & over for many different reason as most of my MH friends know..lol
Still have to!

Nice Post! We are all coming out of the woods with this one..

[dominosarah]

Relapse scares me on so many levels.  Many times when someone has been clean for a bit and relapse they use the quantity they quit at.  I have seen some here never come back as it was fatal.  I remember a few years back there was a brilliant man on the forums. We had talked many times in depth about addiction and he was a good friend.   He had been clean/sober for about 6 months.   I remember the day i went to the alcohol forum and here was a post from his girlfriend.  He had died that morning.  He fell down his mom's steps and died right there.   He had been drinking and taking pills. It is so important to take the steps to set yourself up for success.  You cant leave any doors open.

[vicki595]

My first effort was in 2009 and I took my last pill on Thanksgiving Day. I did fine; had support, changed up all my routines, ect...

On April 18th 2010, I filled a prescription which was a refill I hadn't cancelled. I didn't think about it, I wasn't sick with a headache, I just drove to the pharmacy and filled the damn thing after 5 months. That's the day when my real recovery began.  Addiction is baffling and requires a recovery plan and my plan was just not good enough for me.

It's been over 4 years years now but I will NEVER forget how awful I felt on that day in April and I avoid anything that could possibly lead me back there.

So, it happens. We relapse, slip, fall, fail...whatever you want to call it. As long as we work at it again and do something different and learn something in the process, we just have to go on.  For most people, relapse isn't okay. It's life threatening on so many levels so I learned that the focus is always on staying clean; no options.  Unfortunately, it's not easy and the odds are not in our favor so it has to be full time job.

[OpenMind24hours]

I have to agree with Connie that "if you haven't had a relapse you're not an addict" is a false statement. I spent time with my sponsor of 31 years at my noon AA meeting today. September 6th he will have 33 years sober. Never touched the stuff since the day he stopped. My daughter and I have an NA friend Harry, a recovering Heroin addict, who has 27 years clean with never a relapse. (Both of us love Harry and the message that he shares at meetings) Both my daughter and I have had relapses. Me after 28 years clean and her after 9 years clean. In NA relapses are very common. I can go on and on. You'll find an entire chapter on the subject of relapse in the NA basic text. (The entire book is a free PDF download. Can't beat that price!)

A few days ago my daughter celebrated 90 days clean from crack. Very soon after, this showed up on one of my daily email meditations and I sent it to her. She said it brought tears to her eyes. I feel it's a good fit for this thread:
". . . Before her relapse, she thought she could do it all by herself.  Afterward, she knew how false that confidence had been.  Her relapse showed how much she needed to rely on God and her community.  Her relapse is what keeps her sober now."  -  Anonymous

[selfinduced]

Gnarly, That is my sentiment EXACTLY. Sarah, I love the pregnancy analogy and to expound on that is "just because a pregnancy end's in miscarriage, doesn't mean you'll never have a baby". Relapse is unfortunately no doubt, but it  doesn't have to define the process. In my case it cemented my resolve to get clean and stay there.This is a great post.

[VICourageous]

Well..OK, I had started to use at a very young age..This went on and off for over 40 years. I can not say I Relapsed over & over because I had no clue I was a Addict. I just thought it was the thing to do because everyone else was having fun..(it seemed) haha..I come from the generation of peace, love and lets start a commune. It was not until the 90s when I got the hydo/oxys did I know I had a BIG problem and that I could NOT just walk away anymore. I went into a treatment and did not go to any meetings or everything that comes along with it, let alone know what it was all about..SO I lasted one week and ran back (Relapsed) to the drug only to play the game to get the Methadone prescribed. Then when I added other meds (from the streets) to make it feel like my Crank Days, that was when I knew I was real sick. It was a Family member who noticed I was out-there and so spun..This time I did get the right help and this place was based on the Meetings, Sponsor, 12 steps and so on..It also was the place that got me going on all of my research about the Map of the Brain and looking at this Disease in a more Logical Scientific Way. I had taken all of this in and I still continue to Learn more and more which brings on MANY Changes in my Life. Even if I am closer to 2 years, this Learning and changing never stops as LONG as YOU keep working on RECOVERY!!!! YES it is a Brain Disease and it can be arrested, but never cured..Feeding it one pill will spark the Midbrain back up and it will remember the pleasure and off you go, nothing else matters..AA calls it a Allergy and NA says it is that Hamster Wheel or that old Tape in the Brain that will spin & spin or play it again one more time. SO??? I guess I have had many relapsed, but in my reality it was the first time I went for help and did not continue to work a program or have any support!! I also do believe if a person does have a so-called-slip they need to get back on that horse and take a different path..Take it as a Lesson and turn it into a Blessing. Recovery is for the rest of my Life because I am a long time Addict, that had no clue I was one..lol No More Playing with FIRE!
Bless

[gnarly_1]

''You never loose the war as long as your sill willing to fight'' recovery is possible. ........................Gnarly...................................

[rush2112]

thanks, you get it...

[kyle505]

Well said. Christe's statement was not accurate. I understand the thought, but it isn't true.
K

[weaver71]

When a person is an addict, the mid brain treats drugs as equal or more important than food, water, sleep, etc..., drugs become equal to survival needs. Relapse IMO is not realizing how powerful this side effect is. Willpower is not enough, because our brain has adapted to drugs and believes it can't live without them. This phenomenon is why we actually lose the choice to quit and need outside help to stay on track. Relapse is common because we have lost control of our mind, we are a form of insane. If we can trust in others until we realize drugs are not saving us from pain, then we can keep control of our actions from there, though cravings may still come, control of our lives is restored. Knowing about addiction has helped me a lot. I thought I was weak or undeserving, but I am merely an addict out of control. If one relapses, reach out and lean on others, I think that was your intention with this post. We are not losers if we relapse, we just need to try something new.

[rush2112]

I would like to reiterate my original intention of post in...

I had read a members lament about relapsing and feeling like a failure and how they relapsed..and they asked what was wrong with them...

Although relapse does not have to be part of one's recovery, it would seem to be commonplace.  I did not intend to condone relapse, encourage it or tell anybody that it normal or has to happen...

My intention was for some of the old school members, such as Clean in Kansas, Kyle, Sara and gnarly to share that many of them experienced relapse but eventually became successful in recovery...so those who are new to the fight can see that even though they may have stumbled, it's not the end of the world and they can become successful just like us...as i stated earlier...we may fall down, but have to get up and try try again...not to give up because they made a mistake, but to learn from that mistake and move forward, not beat themselves up over it...

[dominosarah]

I believe addiction is like being pregnant...Either you are or you aren't.

[brandiroars386]

I agree!!!  There are many who have years clean that never relapsed. They wete clearly addicts.