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Addiction: Substance Abuse Community
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Avatar universal

How to avoid relapse?

I'm very new to this.. So sorry if I ramble... Basically I've been addicted to heroin for over 3 years... I'm only 23 but I feel like I've wasted so much of my life. My sister moved to the Virgin Islands... And for some reason, somehow I got on a plane and arrived here even though I knew I would withdrawal... I just told my boyfriend back home before I left "oh I'm not quitting it's just one week" but obviously I got here with some guidance. It has been the worst struggle of my life.. And what ***** even more is not having many people to talk to. Initially, I planned on hiding it from my family but mid day 1 I broke down and told them everything. They had their suspicions, but didn't really know what I'd been doing the past few years. I have their support, but I just feel so alone with my awful thoughts. I've contacted outpatient rehab and I can't get in until Thursday next week... I'll be back home Friday night. I'm just so terrified of what I might do. I never ever want to feel this way again... But this has the strongest hold on me. I was a pretty functional addict.. I mean just to the extent that I kept my job for years and was able to hide it from soo many people.. It wasn't very safe though because who knows how long I could fool everyone. My older brother is also an addict.. He has 4 years clean, and he is very supportive, even wants to go to meetings when I get home. I have all the support in the world... And I'm terrified of letting everyone down since they all know now. Anyways, I'm on day 5... Have a lot of back soreness and anxiety, other than that I feel great. Beats the hell out of being dope sick. The worst part is ... My boyfriend is still using. I love him, but I know I can't be around him. I have nooo clue how to go about that... It's been a year and I mean I can definitely say we wouldn't be together if it weren't for our addictions because it is how we met after all. But still, when I think of going home to him I think of comfort and I'm just so far from that right now. I should be having the time of my life in paradise, but I just have no energy so everytime I force myself to go out, I long to be back here. Okay I'm done ranting... Sorry if I wasted your time or if no one cares to read this but I'd appreciate any kind of advice... Thanks a lot!
19 Responses
5429734 tn?1379745013
Congrats on day 5! That is great. Try to get up and get moving the more active the better. When you go back will you be living with your boyfriend? Does he want to be clean? You have made it five days honey and things are already looking up. You have your families support and your brother said he will go with you to n.a. I think that is AWESOME! You are young with a lot of life a head of you and you can do great things with your life. Where will the heroin lead you? Jails, institutions and death. What is your plan when you get back home? I am rooting for you and I know you will have a better life clean! :) I can promise you that!
Avatar universal
I hope you stay out of it, even if it means losing the boyfriend. It will be worth it for sure. Go to those meetings, get into counseling, go to church, or whatever makes you want to be the best you there is. You know you have been living a lie, or you wouldn't have detoxed like this. Do what you know is right. Telling your secret is huge, we are only as sick as our secrets. Take a good vitamin, drink lots of water, eat good, and drink as much water as you can. And like mentioned already, force yourself to keep moving and keep your blood circulating. You don't have to work up a sweat, but sitting around makes it take longer. Go stay with your brother when you get back, avoid all you using friends and bf. You are young and don't have to lose as much as many of us did. It really gets worse and worse. You won't be able to hide it or even function eventually. Do whatever it takes, that's what it takes. No sacrifice is too large. In a week you will feel better, that is when you really need help. Don't ever think you can just do it occasionally, you will be very disappointed in yourself. Keep growing and being the best you there is, you will feel so much better. Keep posting for support, we totally get how you feel.
4113881 tn?1415853876
Welcome! :) You didnt waste anybody's time!! Were glad you posted!

First, congrats on the 5 days! Thats huge. Ive been clean from heroin myself for 3 years 9 months so I know your struggle. I will tell you one thing though, Ive never been able to stay clean while being in a relationship with another addict. Thats just me though....hopefully you will put yourself first and do what you have to do to stay clean. Get really involved in some aftercare of some sort and surround yourself with people who have a lot of clean time that can support you.  You can do it...your young and have soooo many great years ahead of you.

Wishing you success!
6538759 tn?1386253796
Welcome; glad you're here.
I've been off H for 16 years and congrats on trying to get out before you lose everything.  It took me lower than I've ever been before.  Weaver is right, it only gets worse- I lost the ability to function, keep a job, etc.  Get help while you have your family's support.  If you go back to it; you will lose them.   I'm so glad you have a clean brother and a supportive family.  
Keep posting and sharing; people are wonderful on this forum and always have kind words of support.  Good luck to you!!
Avatar universal
Thanks so much everyone :) it really really means a lot. I made myself go out to the beach, figured the swimming would be therapeutic and it definitely was. When I go back home, I'll be staying with my parents.. I will have to get things from my boyfriends though. As for my plan, I have to go back to work the next day.. But beforehand I know I should try a meeting.
I know you're right about the boyfriend and friend thing... I actually did lose all my friends because they weren't using... One of my best friends would of been there for me but I didn't want her to see me like that. I keep trying to push the bad thoughts out... Like oh I'll just do it once more. I know that isn't possible for me... It's so hard battling with myself. And since I didn't lose a lot like many have... It scares me. Everyone says you need to hit rock bottom.. And that relapse is a part of recovery. So what does that mean for me?
Yeah I can't picture being able to make it with him... but we just grew so close... He's wanted to get clean before, but it was me that said we shouldn't... But if he really wanted to, I suppose it wouldn't of mattered what I said.
Yeah my brother is really amazing... He had a 10 year battle with heroin when I was growing up. I swore I would never end up like he was and then here I am.. Now he's doing a million times better than me, even has an amazing 2 year old son.
Thanks for all the support everyone, like I said it means a lot talking to people who really understand. My sister wants me to just stay here and never go home.. She thinks I'm just making up excuses when I say I need to go home and do some form of treatment otherwise I won't really be better. She means well and I love her to death and miss the hell out of her but I just need to face my demons and I think treatment will help me do that. I don't know anything at this point except, but even in this weak state, it's so much better than waking up needing to get high just to function like a normal person. I hope I can be like all of you someday and have years clean. It's just amazing to me that I got myself in this mess... And how quickly time flew by and all the while I was thinking that I could just continue living like that and I'd be fine. I'm feeling so many emotions it's just all crazy. Anyways, thank you everyone.. I'm probably going to be posting a lot so if I get annoying just say shut up Ashlee haha.
5429734 tn?1379745013
That sounds like a good plan ashlee! I think staying with your parents when you get back will be GREAT! We need all the support we can get and when you get back take your brother up on his offer of going to the meeting together :) when you go and pick up things from your boyfriends maybe you should have someone go with you? Since he is still using that would be like walking in the fire. The one last time that you said is the mental part of withdrawal. Our brains try to trick us into taking something. One is too many and a thousand is not enough. I have had two family members die this year from overdoses. You are young and you have so much life to look forward to you can do this now not everyone needs to hit a rock bottom or have a relapse honey. You are going on your sixth day let's keep those days coming ok? I am rooting for you and I just know you can do this! Let us know how you are doing :)
Avatar universal
Yeah I wish I could go to a meeting now even... But it's nearly 3 am and I'm in a place where that's kinda difficult lol. It would probably be smart to have someone go with me.. Sad thing is, no one in my family or any of my clean friends have met him. I'm sorry to hear that, I feel blessed that I didn't have to experience that with a family member... My ex boyfriend overdosed so many times and it was the most haunting experience watching someone you care for just slip away right in front of you..but what scared me more is knowing that if I wasn't around, some of those people wouldn't even call 911, or he could be completely alone. There'd be times I would hit, then next thing I knew I was waking up with a needle in my arm... I'd think what if I didn't wake up I mean that would be awful and it obviously happens everyday... I felt invincible and like it would never happen to me but nobody is. I need this insomnia to go away.. I slept a few hours last night so I was certain tonight would be better buuuut nope, can't sleep a wink. I don't have access to a doctor here otherwise I would maybe see if they could help me... I've tried everything from listening to relaxing sounds, relaxing speakers, comforting movies, silence, counting sheep.. I mean everything!!! I just want to jump into the ocean right now and sink to the bottom.. My body is just wiped out of any sort if energy and it's driving me insane!! But thank you, I know I need to keep them coming... Especially so I never ever have to go through this again.. Hopefully I have better things to say tomorrow lol if I can get some sleep that is!! Thanks for your response :) really appreciate it.
5429734 tn?1379745013
Sleep will come back but for right now try not to fight it because it will just make it worse. Just relax and watch some movies or listen to some music. Music helped me so much thru my withdrawals and it still helps me now. I think it helps me clean lol. You won't be 100% over night and it is ok it will take time but your life is worth it! Have you tried melatonin to help you sleep it is natural and you can find it at Walgreens. Also take a cal/mag/zinc before bed. I hope you have someone go with you to pick your things up from his house when you get back. How much longer are you staying with your sister?
Avatar universal
Hi I normally do not comment here.  I am a recovering pain pill addict.  I've been clean now 8 months.  It has been the worst and best 8 months of my life.   You are so young and sound so grown up and you also sound ready.  That is the most important thing Ash is YOU have to be ready. If you are not and you are doing this to  satisfy someone elses  wishes it will never happen.  Trust me I went thru 3 detox programs that family pushed me to.  Right back to my pills. You have to honestly want this.  The reason I wanted to comment was your story is like a lot of others around me.  I live in southern Illinois where in the last couple years there has been almost 200 herion overdoses. 13 being close family or friends.  My concern with you is when these 13 people overdosed it was because they went to jail tried rehab whatever it was they did they stopped using some only for a week.  I've never used herion but i assume because all was about the same they stopped for a short period of time lost tolerance to it and then believed they could do the same amount and it killed them every last one of them.  Ash I don't know you anymore than a person walking down the road but please please know YOU WILL DIE if you go back home and jump on that wagon with you bfriend.  God I hope I am not offending you that is not my intentions at all just please please be careful with that stuff.  Look up overdoses in southern Illinois there are great surviving stories and also some very gruesome stories that may just help. I wish you the best of luck and hope I helped just a little.
5429734 tn?1379745013
It is sad but it is the reality of it. A lot of people don't realize that if they are off of h or pills for a while their tolerance is lower and that even a one last time could kill them. Congrats on your 80 days and I think that was a great comment.
Avatar universal
It's soo hard not to fight it! But I know you're right.. Last night I just ended up reading the whole night and chain smoking cigs. Laying there praying for sleep doesn't help me at all. My brother recommended natural remedies, it's just harder to access stuff down here although I'm sure they have it. I'll be leaving tomorrow night... Arriving home around midnight and then have to work alllllllll day and night Saturday... Which may be a good or bad thing.
  Good job on 8 months, I can't even IMAGINE that.. And I'm not offended in any way, at all. I'm touched you took the time to say something. That is awful... And I know it's so real. I feel like I'm ready, but I'm thousands of miles from home. I can confidently say that I won't do it, but I know it'll be so much harder when I get home. I did this solely for myself though, so I hope that makes a difference. I'm so afraid of letting my family down... And I mean they would be devastated if I would die... Obviously I don't want that. Thank you soo much though... Means a lot. I can't get over how nice all of you have been, it has done me wonders already seriously. I wish you luck too.. I mean you have 8 months under your belt and I envy you but I'm sure it's still rough.
5429734 tn?1379745013
I meant congrats on 8 months lol I am sorry I got the 80 from your screen name and for some reason that stuck in my head.
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