Aa
How to live sober?
Here I stand sober, and lost... I am so happy about getitng sober, and have focused all my energy and thoughts on getting through each day without using. I was literally getting high off not getting high if that makes sense? I was loving the feeling of being able to get through the days sober, and told myself that life was going to be so great. I kept waking up thinking about how I'm going to save so much money, I'm going to feel happy again and not moody, I am going to start running and eating right, and so on. While this has helped me immensely in getting clean, it seems each day I feel less and less positive, and now it's "just another day cleann bla bla". I don't feel the excitment anymore, and I don't feel proud anymore. I feel like I can't deal with all the things I screwed up on before this, I feel like there is too much damage, and I can't fix it all. It makes me want to use so I have an excuse not to care. Yet I knowwww that using will only make the hole deeper and deeper. My heart says it will all be ok, and I can mend everything, and catch up on all the work I have put off. However, my mind is racing with thoughts of failure, and how it's too late to get on track. I feel like I am a terrible, fuked up person, and will just always be! Ughh i'm having a rough time these last couple days, and I don't know why? I feel depressed, hopeless, and just dead to the world. I need help, I don't feel Iike my pain is every going to get better? Life is scary and overwhelming now that reality is kicking in! It's like I'm waiting for life to just be amazing all of a sudden, anI fear it just wont ever be amazing again...
Ali,
You're NOT A FAILURE....you're not FEELING SORRY for yourself...you're fighting and winning!!!!!! Obviously, getting high was not good..OBVIOUSLY the rat race of scoring and using was old and worn out...OBVIOUSLY your body and psyche are still adjusting...and you're doing it...I WISH I was at 18 days....when I am I'll let you know...by then you'll be over a month....I don't know you, but I can say I'm proud of you! So, don't give up...you're doing FANTASTIC!!!!
You're NOT A FAILURE....you're not FEELING SORRY for yourself...you're fighting and winning!!!!!! Obviously, getting high was not good..OBVIOUSLY the rat race of scoring and using was old and worn out...OBVIOUSLY your body and psyche are still adjusting...and you're doing it...I WISH I was at 18 days....when I am I'll let you know...by then you'll be over a month....I don't know you, but I can say I'm proud of you! So, don't give up...you're doing FANTASTIC!!!!
Thank you Kristen- I just woke up from another three hour nap and today is just a wash so I'm going to take a couple ty PM and just get to sleep early and wake up tommorow with a new attitude and make a list of things to do that is actually realistic! I keep forgetting I'm not a machine anymore running on fuel (pills)! Now I'm back to being human and it *****!! I feel weak and like a failure! Ughh I just want to sleep this day off and maybe I will just cry tonight and let it out!! I'm really hoping that after taking the day off to rest I will be refreshed tommorow...I'm forcing myself up by 8:00am latest!! I'm going to make a nice breakfast, drink LOTS OF COFFEE, maybe even do a little work out and take a shower (which I haven't done in two days lol ewww I know) and STOP FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF and just do it!! I know I will feel better if I just start doing something! It's like everytime I get near the books my heart starts facing and I wanna crawl into a ball and die but, thats over!! This is what I brought my life to and it's time to face it as best as I can!! I'm going to need all your support tho for sure!! I'm back to bed I'll post again tommorow AM hopefully with a better attitude :)
Take a deep breath!!!
Just try to take one thing at a time...........pick the paper that is due first and just start writing it. If you can get one done......you will feel sooooo much better and maybe the next few will follow a little easier.
I know exactly how you feel....I work full time and go to school and teach a college class....and I used to do it ALL high. I couldn't even imagine how I could do ANY of it without the pills. But I just started and it all kind of came back and worked itself out. I do notice now that when I am not working, I actually do relax. I was so used to staying high until I could fall asleep....and then looked forward to the next morning because I would start popping again! Now I wake up and just take baby steps to get through each and every day.
You can do this..........just take a baby step. Start with a shower and sit down and write one paper at a time. You won't get them all done at once, but if you write one tonight....tomorrow when you wake up, you will only have to do 9!!
Be strong.............and cry as much as you want.......it's cleansing to do that! Cry for all of the times that we should have cried, but were too high to cry!
Saying a prayer for you,
Kristen
Just try to take one thing at a time...........pick the paper that is due first and just start writing it. If you can get one done......you will feel sooooo much better and maybe the next few will follow a little easier.
I know exactly how you feel....I work full time and go to school and teach a college class....and I used to do it ALL high. I couldn't even imagine how I could do ANY of it without the pills. But I just started and it all kind of came back and worked itself out. I do notice now that when I am not working, I actually do relax. I was so used to staying high until I could fall asleep....and then looked forward to the next morning because I would start popping again! Now I wake up and just take baby steps to get through each and every day.
You can do this..........just take a baby step. Start with a shower and sit down and write one paper at a time. You won't get them all done at once, but if you write one tonight....tomorrow when you wake up, you will only have to do 9!!
Be strong.............and cry as much as you want.......it's cleansing to do that! Cry for all of the times that we should have cried, but were too high to cry!
Saying a prayer for you,
Kristen
Thanks everyone! I can always count on you all to lift me up! I never heard of paws bottom but I will def look it up. I am about 18 days too Jebs or something like that...I lost count when I stopped caring. :( I def need to push myself through so things as well because I put soooooooo much off when I was using, and than when I got sober I was "too sick" to do work. It's such a vicious cycle. When I was getting high I spent all my time and energy running around trying to get the next fix so that "I can get my work done", and by the time I got the pills I was exhausted from searching, and would just get high and pass out. Now I'm sober, and have nooooooooo energy to do all this work I keep putting off. It just keeps building and building and I am drenched in fear that I will never accomplish everything. Your right sarah I am completely overwhelmed and so anxious!! I'm so scared that I wont pass this semester in school cuz I am so behind! I have like ten papers due in the next two weeks, NOT exaggerating!! How did I let this happen??? Ughh I am so mad at myself so I just keep spinning in circles of anxiety and hate at myself, and I'm not getting anything done!! Sorry everyone I think I'm having a little break down now that the drugs are all worn off, and I'm getting slapped hard with reality!! I don't wanna ruin my life. I don't want to fail out of school. I'm trying so hard to just make a list of things I can do, and take one day at a time but the anxiety is just so intense all the time I end up crying while writting out the task i have to do and curling up in my bed sleeping :( !! Please guys I need some help...I am going to do aftercare but, right now my only focus is getting thro the next couple weeks and getting my work done so I pass my classes!! Help help help!! Anyone want to do a paper for me lol?? Jk I really do need support though- it's 3pm and I just woke up about an hour ago, called out of work and am sitting here crying as I type at the thought of all the work I have to do...... I'm so easily shaken, and I sware if I had money I would be high as a kite right now, and I hate that I am thinking like that but, thats me being honest for once..
Hi Ali,
If it helps...........I feel the same way that you do. I think in the very beginning....the energy kicked in and I felt so energetic. I am on day 18 and it's Monday morning. That combination creates NO energy for me. I know how you feel about waking up clean....it's such a good feeling to get out of bed and feel good and not having to pop 2-3 pills just to get the energy to get up. I think a lot of it is psychological. I read another post a while ago that said procrastination is horrible. I did some things this weekend that I have been putting off. I used to have to always be high to get things accomplished.....take 2 pills to do laundry....take 2 pills to grocery shop. This weekend I had to make myself do these things and once I did them, I felt so good. It was hard to drag myself through it, but I'm glad I did.
I want to walk and exercise more too. That is a work in progress.....
How many days do you have clean?
I also think that aftercare is something that would help. I am trying to find an Addiction Therapist in my area. I really think that would help us!
Hang in there........
Kristen
If it helps...........I feel the same way that you do. I think in the very beginning....the energy kicked in and I felt so energetic. I am on day 18 and it's Monday morning. That combination creates NO energy for me. I know how you feel about waking up clean....it's such a good feeling to get out of bed and feel good and not having to pop 2-3 pills just to get the energy to get up. I think a lot of it is psychological. I read another post a while ago that said procrastination is horrible. I did some things this weekend that I have been putting off. I used to have to always be high to get things accomplished.....take 2 pills to do laundry....take 2 pills to grocery shop. This weekend I had to make myself do these things and once I did them, I felt so good. It was hard to drag myself through it, but I'm glad I did.
I want to walk and exercise more too. That is a work in progress.....
How many days do you have clean?
I also think that aftercare is something that would help. I am trying to find an Addiction Therapist in my area. I really think that would help us!
Hang in there........
Kristen
COMMUNITY LEADER
Lesa gave you good advice.......Try and slow your mind down a bit too. You are overwhelmed right now. It takes time to work on all the things we need too. Take some deep breaths. Take it one day at a time..........sara
Hi Ali.. I'm sorry to read you have hit this block.. it is not uncommon for addicts. you should read up on paws bottom right. you seem to have described it perfectly.. I might add that we can not wait for life to get better we have to get pro active in making it better.. have you checked out meeting aa na.. a hobby. I have taken up photography and putting in a garden.. I do not wake up every morning full of cheer but I care if my seeds dry.. this is a good thing. sometimes it is the small things that make us grateful.. as for what has been done in the past.. it is that the past. it can not be changed but we can, not repeat it. as far as making up for what we have done.. we can only do this through continued sobriety honesty and the realization that we can not fix everything but if we have tried it has to be good enough. self forgiveness goes a long way in reliving us of this burden.. Congratulations on getting clean.. keep reaching out look up paws and I wish you well.. lesa
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