Hubby uses weed everyday and cocaine every weekend.. Pls help :(

[Confused_heart]

Hi there.
I just got married las nov 2014. I don't know how to start this :( i found out recently that my husband uses coke. I was so naive :( I didn't know how bad it was until I start googling. To start with, I grew up in the Philippines from a decent family, never seen any kind of drugs and never smoked in my life. I'm 32 now.

When we were dating I knew he smokes weed. He said it's just common here in Canada so I said ok. Then during the night after our wedding he asked me if he could do some coke. I was shocked but I didn't know how to say no. We just got married so I said yes.

After that I think he sneaked gem me that he uses until recently he opens up if he could do ut weekends. It may sound stupid but I let him :( I became so submissive. He has some anger issues. He would snap on small things. He's depressed at times. He would say he love me so much. He had never hurt me but sometimes when we get into small fights he would say some words that hurts me so much then apologize afterwards.
One time I got drunk too and we got into an argument. (Sadly I blackout when I'm drunk) he said I told him I said he's worthless, he's a bad guy and I don't deserve him)
In the morning he said I hurt him a lot with all the things I said. I was stupid I apologiZed but I don't remember anything I said. I love him so much. I wanna help him to change. But I don't know how. I think he started doing coke when he was on his 20. He's now 31.

He want to separate withe as he said I slapped him too and then said worthless words. I'm hurt cuz I love him but in the other side of my heart and brain, I wanna get away from him. I deserve someone better. As I'm writing this now I'm crying. I've no family here in Canada and so I feel alone. What should I do pls help me :((

[NeverAgain127]

Glad to hear it honey...just keep the focus on YOU.   Remember, you cannot "help" your husband to stop using cocaine and pot.    He's been doing it for a while, and the fact that he hid it from you for over a year is not okay.  

I know you care about him, but you need to care about yourself more.   I'm so glad you have people you can turn to.  

Keep in touch sweetie,

-Robin

[Confused_heart]

Thanks so much Robin, appreciate your help!

I will work on that A/A thing tomorrow. I talked to mom and yes I've friends at work and outside work. Will try to work on that again. Will start hanging out with my old friends.

I will write back and share how everything's going. Thanks once again.

-J

[NeverAgain127]

BTW,  A/A stands for Alcoholics Anonymous.   Let me know if you have trouble finding a meeting, and I'll try to help...

[NeverAgain127]

Honey:

Smoking weed and drinking are not a good idea.   You don't need to do that to fit in, or to please anyone.   You are YOU and taking drugs will only warp your personality and ruin your health.

I'm glad you are leaving him...you cannot help him, and besides, it isn't your job.  I know you are his wife, but we can NEVER do anything about another person's addiction.  All we can do is protect ourselves.  

Do you have any friends at work?  Do you go to church?  If you truly don't have anyone to talk to, I would suggest you go to an A/A meeting.  You can google them in your town.   Look for an OPEN meeting, meaning anyone is allowed.  Just walk in, sit down and listen.  People will probably come up to you and say "hi" (there might even be a greeter at the door.)  It's a place where anyone is welcome, and you can talk or not talk, but at least it will get you around people (who want to be NOT using alcohol or drugs) and besides...there are usually cookies!  (sorry, trying to inject some humor here.)

Can you call your mom on the phone? Maybe Skype?  Please pick up the phone and call her if you can, and tell her everything.  

Things will be okay in the end, and if they're not, then it's not the end...

Please write back and let me know how you're doing, sweetie.  Hang tight, believe in yourself, and if you believe in God, pray.  

Hugs,
-Robin

[Confused_heart]

Hi
Really appreciate your reply.
I've known him 2 years and dated a year before we got married. We had lived together for 5mos before we got married. I believed he'd been doing this before but I was naive and trusted him enough that he's up into something.

Yes I'm packing all my stuff now I have to be strong. I will leave tho I love him so much that I wanna help him.
And after that fight where I blackout I decided to quit drinking for him cu I don't wanna be mean to him. I'm not a violent person. I'm a sweet innocent girl before we got together. I totally changed. I became jealous, I decided to widraw and. Not to see my friends. I still see them but not as much :( I wish I could bring my life back :((

We have no children but we a have a puppy we got after we got married which is another hard reason to go away.

And yes I'm working :(
My papers are not ok at the moment as he just sponsored me, it's in process that's why I can't go home :(

Another thing is, many times that he let me smoke weed too which is so new to my body that sometimes I don't know how to react. First time he let me, I was crying and feeling so guilty. I never smoke anything even cigarette before. Now I wanted to fit in, so whenever he drinks I drink too and always I have blackouts and I become mean and aggressive which I'm not when I'm not drunk :(

Really thanks u I am able to open up cuz I can't tell it to some cuz I'm afraid they will judge me. I wanna hug my mom right now :((

[NeverAgain127]

Hi honey,

Welcome.   I'm sorry you are going through this.   Your husband has a drug problem.  Cocaine is a bad, bad substance.  It wrecks your health and it is  addictive.  I know your husband has said he only uses it on the weekends, but that's your "you and me" time...and he is going to spend it doing illegal drugs?  

I had a good friend who was a weekend user of coke too.  She did it that way for years, but cocaine is evil and insidious, and she graduated to doing it every day...then she ended up on crack (cheaper.)

Honey, how long did you know this guy before you married him?   Did you live together first?

It sounds like he is bringing out the worst in you: getting drunk, blacking out, etc.    Blacking out while drinking is a strong warning signal; it isn't part of normal, social drinking.   Probably would be a VERY good idea for you to avoid alcohol for now.  

I think he is doing you a BIG favor by asking for a separation.   Take it.  Is there anyone you can lean on here?  Any friends?  Can you go back to your family in the Philippines for a while?  If not, you're going to have to tough this out for yourself.

Do you work?  I strongly recommend that you get into therapy...you have a lot of things to work out in your own head and major decisions to make about your life.

My advice to you for now, sweetie is:   get away from him.  He isn't the man you thought he was.  Cocaine leads to NOWHERE GOOD...trust me on this.  

I don't know your living situation, but if he won't leave, then you should...is this possible?

Staying in a marriage where there is drug abuse is a one-way ticket to a miserable life.    You don't have much history with this man...I assume no children, and less than a year married.   You can make a clean break and that might just be the thing to do.  

Good luck sweetie.  Stay here and let us know how you are doing...
Hugs,
-Robin