I Romanticize Heroin and Minimize all the Pain it's Caused

[ratinacage]

I'm on the dreadful day three of opiate withdrawal (the day when im most likely to crack..hence why i'm looking for some support. It's my first post but everyone here seems so understanding).

So you see, my problem is that I am in love with Heroin. Ever since I got my wisdom teeth out when I was 17 I tasted the bliss of opiates and have sought it out ever since. This sounds kind of dumb, but as a musician, so many musicians I looked up to and respected have been hooked on heroin...kurt cobain, elliott smith, lou reed. I would play lou reed's "waiting for the man" whenever i was waiting for the dopeman to show up...i would play "needle in the hay" or others by elliott to feel that melancholy feel of being a junkie. It's almost pathetic, I know. But the blissful state of heroin combined with playing guitar is the best feeling I have ever felt in the world. Evereverever. Nothing can or will compare.  It was always so exciting - the whole game -  scoring/rushing home to rip open the baggie and use it (in a ritualized way of course...my boyfriend allways crushing it up, me going first, me picking the exact song i wanted to hear...then picking up the guitar)

However, I would always minimize all the bad things...feeling tired all the time, no motivation (eventually to even pick up the guitar..in fact I seem to play more even through the discomfort of my withdrawal than when im high these days). But i thought i could get away with it...in terms of my outer persona, I am quite high functioning...A and B student for psychology...about to finish my diploma and hopefully go on to grad school. I had an internship with a neuropsychologist (and i've dealt with a lot of addicts, ironically)...have 2 part time jobs. Things are going well but im so ******* tired...eveeryday trying to balance my brain. Needing something daily to function is a prison. And once it gets to be 100$ a day just to stay ok then i realize there is no way i can sustain it and im forced to quit. So i take a tolerance break...but after a week im always back...always back...like the rat in a cage pressing the lever to get a hit until it dies of exhaustion.

[ActingBrandNew]

Personally...I dont like what I hear. Usually people come here in tears or broken seeking advice on how to make it to the next day. Whether it be from emotional or physical sickness....people come here in bad shape with only one way to go...and that's up because they have fell flat on there faces and hit bottom.

Do not take this as being judgmental....on the contrary. I am a God fearing gutter hype who's tangled with heroin and its grasp many times. Ive done the Romanticizing thing and on the opposite end of that Ive been...and still am...utterly disgusted by it. Things that dont sit right with me are when you say...

"But the blissful state of heroin combined with playing guitar is the best feeling I have ever felt in the world. Evereverever. Nothing can or will compare. "

See...thats a problem. A big problem. Ive felt like that about heroin before...trust and believe that....but, it wasnt until I STOPPED feeling like that that I was able to get clean...and STAY clean. Theres absolutely NOTHING romantic about heroin to me today...NOTHING. The feeling it gives me when I just think about it makes me angry and distraught. As long as I continue to feel like that AND participate in my aftercare...I will be able to stay clean.

If there is nothing that will ever give you the same feeling that heroin gives you and you continue to hold it in high esteem the way you do...you will never get clean for any lengthy period of time. It is what it is. I do commend you for the 3 days you have put together...but how long will you be able to really stay clean? Or are you just waiting for your tolerance to lower so you can get that romance going?

Im not trying to push your buttons...just being real with you is all. Its good youve pointed out some bad things about your addiction...but it seems far away from that bottom most have to hit in order to break up that romance...

Good luck to you

Always,
ABN

[VICourageous]

Hey this Rat issue reminds me of the Video I watched about 11 months ago. Did you see any of the information like "The Disease of Addiction and the Pleasure Pathway" Beyond Will Power??? I have been a long time user off and on for over 40 years and ALL the info I have found about this Disease has helped me alot besides all my Meetings and my Support at Home from Family. BUT the biggest thing is that I can not go around my Old Stomping grounds or any of my Friends that use. We have to learn to Live a whole new Life. It is no cake walk at first but it gets a bit better. I have to keep my amour on all day and night due to the Triggers that can happen at any given moment. Like I said it takes a lot of work and we can not due this alone. So be that said I sure wish you the best because getting our life back is so so so much better then being Spun!!!
Bless

[digger1976]

I truly understand your way of thinking because that's where I was at a few years ago, I thought it was the answer to everything, I can tell you whole hearted its not. I think your using the music and the romance of other drug using musicians as an excuse to avoid your addiction. This is a big problem and I would strongly advice seeking after care. Look into finding something in the way of support in your area, AA/NA, one on one counselling, ask your local Dr for advice. Anything to build up support. I know your a well educated person and will understand your own addiction, your own triggers and needs. The thing I always found with Heroin detox that was way harder than any other detox is the extreme high you get after a week or 2 lean, it sounds like you realised this yourself. At that stage I always went back, every time. Just be more prepared this time my friend. Build yourself a support system up, build up walls to protect yourself, loose all your drug contacts, let a loved one control your money, hell let a loved one control you. Just be accountable at all time's.

Just remember this drug ***** and you must want it out your life for good. Nothing good will ever come from Heroin my friend, I promise you that. I went from wanting for nothing, good career, nice house, cars, bike's, women and plenty of money to living on the streets with no one, then on to jail for a 4 year stint. That's not including the other little sentences along the way. It can all happen so fast my friend.

I am so happy you found the strength to quit, just be careful your not setting yourself up for another fail. Please talk to someone close to home and get some support, even the cleverest people need help at time's my friend. Hope this helps in some way. If you want to ask me anything about my experiences with heroin or your looking for someone to talk to just pm my friend. I'm on here quite a lot and I will be only happy to talk. Wishing you all the luck in the world...

[OxyTired]

I've been a guitarist since I was a kid and am 60 now. Lately I have been discovering that I'm not quite as good high as I thought, and I have only been clean 3 weeks from Oxy
Maybe not the same as H as I never tried that, been pretty sprung out on booze and then benzos.
All these chemicals destroy us, I don't need to list the great musicians who didn't make it, you know them.
Do keep coming back, this is a great place for inspiration and friends who have been there too.

[KristiBelle]

Boy do I hope openmind is right. I can't imagine right now the feeling of not wanting to use. I'm not having any cravings today but I am depressed as hell and I know I have to learn a new way to deal with it other than a freakin pill. I'm proud of myself I haven't done one since last Friday so I'm pretty well over the sick hump but my mind, now that's a different story. Enough about me though--I've got my own thread to rant on haha. Just hang in there we're gonna make it!

[ratinacage]

Yeah a program would be great...I'm just having trouble navigating the CAMH (centre for addiction and mental health) system so Ive just said **** it i'll do this myself...but perhaps i should reconsider

[ratinacage]

Thank you very much KristiBelle good luck to you. Yeahh your body can only take so much you're righjt...high functioning until everything falls apart..and I really want to take precautions to not let that happen...a lot of people keep commenting on how much potential I have I don't want to let anyone down.

[OpenMind24hours]

Congratulations on day 3! I read in your post some romancing of your drug of choice. Dangerous thinking. Good for you that you've come here to listen to some other recovering addicts and their thinking. Our own thinking will never fix our own thinking. You ARE a full fledged recovering addict right now, being on day 3 and all. You have a ways to go before you're left with just "staying clean" after detox, but that will be your major daily project. You can actually get to a point where you won't even WANT to use. You need to look into an aftercare program. Staying clean can't be done by our own thinking. I trust you'll get some other feedback from others on this forum also. I wish you the best luck. You can do this!

[KristiBelle]

I understand how you're feeling. I'm just starting on this journey myself so I don't have a lot of advice or anything like that. I wanted to reply to let you know that you aren't alone. There are a lot of us out there. I always considered myself high functioning too but it's still too much. Our bodies can't stand this forever. Just keep posting on here. I just started yesterday but the people are great and will help all they can. It does help just to get some of the crap off your chest if nothing else. I love love love me some 30s. Never done heroin (not a big deal where I live) but from what I understand its not too terribly different. Good luck and stay strong.