I WANT TO TAKE THESE PILLS! I KNOW IT'S HORRIBLE!

[SmithsGirl89]

I am 20 years old, and after 2 years of 10 -20 Loricets a day I was prescribed to Suboxone. I was fine, until 4 months ago. I started taking them again, maybe not 20 a day, but close to.  They make me feel like everything is okay!  My fiancee' was taking them with me, and we decided to quit again. This time I had a few of my Suboxone left, so I am really worried.  I know I could do it, but can I do it and be happy?  I feel depressed, and like I want to cry. I am only 20, everybody parties. Why can't I?  They make me feel like I can do anything! Please Help!

[Brandshe]

What I am about to explain to you is is most likely going to make you fell uncomfortable ( I know it did me when it was explained to me )  I will tell you a little something so you can try to see where I am coming from with it ( its not coming out of left field )  I started using mind/mood altering substances at the age of 9...that's right 9 little years old...@age 12 I was at a pack of camels/day 1/8-nickle of weed/ day,  I was abusing white crosses ( a diet pill prescribed  to adults back then ) I gottem out of magazines and medicine cabinets ( they tend to have the opposite effect on children, kinda like Ritalin and adults )  I was the girl in the woods of my ELEMENTARY school trying to finish a bowl of weed before recess was over! and so it went...of course adding LSD, coke, mushrooms, whatever I could get my little hands on.  ( which by the way was far to easy,so if anyone reading this who has children, BE VERY AFRAID)  By the time age16 washed up on shore...I couldn't even get out of bed with anything less than 60mg of perks.  And of course that progressed like everything else in my life.  I did manage to get clean for about 7 months @age 25 I conceived a child with my EX of 8 years (probably because at the time my body was not a complete battle field.)  He relapsed when I was about 6 months pregnant (he tried his best to hide it, I should have addressed it!)  the months that lead up to one of the most insane labors any of the doctors and nurses had seen, for lack of a better word was.... terrible on me.  ( During labor: good ol hubby literally nodding out in the corner while I was projectile vomiting, no joke, over everyone and everything between screams ) as you may have guessed I did have an emergency C-section we both made it barley.  LOL. BACK TO MY POINT ( don't worry its coming )  I was released from the hospital with prescription of...you got it PERKS!  by then the EX was so bad he sat at a desk for my daughters 1st month of life "bangin" bundle after bundle after bundle after....( please don't judge me but at that point I was so disgusted part of me hoped that he wouldn't wake from one of them)...And so I had no one ( my mother died 10 years ago, his mother is another tread entitled "ENABLER" ) so I was popping 40mg and 80mg OC like tic tacs just to get out of bed/and cope I WAS IN PAIN...several different kinds!  SO like I said before, as things have a tendency to do with me, my relapse progressed ( but if you have read any of my other posts you would know that I am absolutely obsessed with my daughters future as a human)  I sought some help (which didn't exactly work out the way I had hoped) I am indeed once again trying to claw my way out of the abyss  I have always been told "play the hand your dealt" at this point I feel I know the game well enough not to fold-so I KEEP GOING!!!! <-------  Now after all that I have shared with you what age do you think I was when my mother sat me down and explained to me that she was VERY SICK and that she was going to die soon?   That's right 9 little years old.  and why I couped the way I did with the EX?
Now maybe a little of my post was for me ( I am far from well, but I am fighting like hell to get there! ) but ITS MAINLY FOR YOU!!!!!  I do know that when I was your age I couldn't even rap my head around the idea of life with out DRUGS...I couldn't even imagine what/how people even lived like that. (sad I know, but also very true)  I guess the real point I am trying to make is... If you truly, deep down feel that horrible and are that confused about what your doing...Maybe it's time to explore WHY!?
  I am now 27years old, my daughter 16 months---not trying to sound corney but you know the expresion " knowlege is king..or boss" however you kids are sayin' it these days..LOL... Seriously for the first time now that I know what I am dealing with... I feel a degree of control that I never knew exsisted ( within myself ) and with that comes a whole slue of other emotions I never knew where there.  some are pretty ****** some, I could do without      ( not all of them suck, some are pretty friggin awesome )     but for the most part I am willing to explore each and everyone, at the VERY LEAST for my daughter.
I am not saying your circumstances are anything like mine ( I hope like hell they are not )  I am not saying that they would need to be for you and I to have anything in common.....I DO HOPE your hearing what I am I trying to say ( words and such have always been pretty tough for me )  I did my best and I REALLY REALLY hope that it helps!!  if anything opened your mind even a little.

PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!! ( I can't stress that enough )

[lisa6013]

You ask, "How can I party?".... Why do you hvae to party?  Just because all of your friends can and do?  You need different friends then.  Partying is way too overrated....  If you have a problem, than you can't.  Just like an alchoholic saying why can't I have just one drink like everyone else...  I am not trying to be harsh... just telling you like it is.  I am almost 48, and have been addicted to pain meds on and off for several years.  I have been in the hospital more than a few times because of it.  A few times I had to have IV treatment for my liver because of the tylenol poisoning.  It's not fun.  You only have one liver, only have one life, and it is worth living....... Please get help somewhere.  Counseling, rehab, intensive daily outpatient program, SOMETHING!!  You can do it with help.  You are not alone, and will not be judged!!

hugs...
lisa

[dominosarah]

You have to want to quit for you.....if you dont you will be heading down a very lonely dead end street.  Those pills give you a false sense of security.  They will steal your soul and your life.........sara

[SmithsGirl89]

I am clean now, but I can go get them at any time, probably right now!  I ******* hate this!  I am so stressed out...I want to take them. Thats all there is to it, really.  If Im not ready to quit, then it won't work, especially if I do it for someone else.

[ImDone79]

Smoke out.  Do something that won't kill you!  I actually took care of a kid that overdosed in vicoden and lived but 4 days later died due to the Tylenol.  20 now will just lead to needing 30 in a few months.  Also just lost a friend to lortab overdose was taking them for years and finally went to far. I never really took the pills to party really.  I drank occ and smoked out to"party" and never had any dependency problems but the pills got me.  Are you clean still?  I had to take 4 today because the anxiety already hit me.  

[SmithsGirl89]

How can I party?

[ImDone79]

You can be happy without them!  I am addicted to ultram and stopped for 8 days last month and started to feel great but then took some and don't really know why. I'm at the pint that I feel like **** even when I do take them yet I still take them.  I decided tonight that I am done.  I have 40 pills left and I am going to wean off,  I'm not going to take one until I start feeling the withdrawals and then I am only going to take one to ease it.  You have to go back and remever how you were before you ever started.  I used to be happy an upbeat and now I'm a mess and can't figure out why I even started.  I am to ashamed to ask for help or tell someone.  I know I can do it because I have read and seen others do it.  You can still party you just don't have to do the drugs.  Keep on writing and I will keep on writing and we can do it together.  I know you can do it, you and I both are to young to throw away our lives and let a damn drug overpower us.