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5807504 tn?1382912120

I am an addict

I only just admitted this to myself like Tuesday a week ago. I LOVE 30's. I'm almost 38 and been around drugs all my adult life and never got hooked on **** til these damn 30's. I got so much **** going on I don't even know what to say or what not to. I haven't done one since Friday, so I guess I'm 4 days in. I'm really not even trying to count. I haven't even been on them all that long but I must have the tolerance of an elephant or some **** because I just want more and more and more. I would guess around the holiday's last year was when I really got going. I've been a casual user of everything forever but these are a *****! I never thought I would be such a mess. I guess I'm kinda addicted to a guy, too. He finally left last weekend. Maybe at least he was smart enough to know we had to get away from each other because all we do anymore is get high...or try to get high, mostly just not be sick. I know I'm rambling but I'm a freakin mess and I don't have anyone to talk to and haven't slept for **** in days. I saw my guy today. He's doing good. He's a few days ahead of me. Really seeing him just made me want to get high. I don't really feel too bad physically, my stomach is kind of a mess but my nerves are a wreck! I hate everyone but I hate being by myself. I don't know where to go except sit in the house by myself because I don't trust myself not to get out and chase down a pill. **** a pill. I'm tired of this ****.  
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5807504 tn?1382912120
I'm still not ready I don't think. I love in a tiny, tiny town and undoubtedly there would be someone there that I wouldn't want to see me there. Maybe I should go to the next town over. I don't know. I'm doing ok today for now so YAY for me!
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
I almost fell after he died. I had a good friend that stood up and told me all about it. He kept me them from getting into a mess. Now it's almost 4 years past (on the 31st) and I am not sure I ever really did deal with it. Probably won't ever be able to really get past it because I feel at fault for his death and it eats at my conscience. I tried counseling right after but I just could not talk about it then. It was all I could do for a while to get through the day. I did not want to even think about it much less talk about it. It's still hard to now but easier than it was then. I talk to him a lot. He  struggled all his life with it. Never thought I would. Go figure. Thanks for taking the time to talk to me.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
I can't add anything to the wonderful advice you've gotten, I just wanted to also offer my support and my sympathies for your loss.  I couldn't imagine going through something like that.  You owe it to yourself to maybe grieve the "right" way, I doubt you ever really did (like sarah said).  And you're not "weak" because you find yourself in this battle hon.  Addiction isn't about people's characters', or a result of them being weak, if it was, there wouldn't be SO many amazing people who are addicts, right?  This isn't a personality trait or a character flaw.  You're being an addict doesn't define who you are, it just means you have something you need to work on and keep your guard up about.

You need help and you need to find new ways to cope with life.  Sounds like you've just barely been squeaking by for a long long time.  You're going to be embarking on a journey that will be hard as hell, but the most worth it of anything you've ever done.

Keep talking, and maybe look into a meeting a little farther away, although remember, if you DO see someone you know, they're in the same boat sweetie and will be feeling the same way.  As people say here all the time and it's so true, this isn't a battle meant to be fought alone.
Helpful - 0
4522800 tn?1470325834
First I would like to say I just Love this Name of yours..How cute.
I want to share something else. I too would do all these drugs and walk away when I got tired of them all. Never experienced a w/d until the 90s when I started the opiates. But I have looked back a bit , not much because it does not matter no more, but I do think my Addition got really worse because of my lil brothers death and then all his lil friends went one by one after him. Kids too! I was really bad for over 7 years with my drinking. I really should of seen someone. So this is just a thought since it was mentioned that the pain you hold could be why you used the pills. These type of pills are really, really hard to let go. I live in a small town and I go to both AA/NA and I never see a soul out here. There are a lot of places that you could hook up with for one & one. We carry skeletons on us for a long time and we have to let them go. I sure wish you the best and you can keep in touch here, we will be here as well.
Bless
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
Thank you for reminding me that I'm not a bad person just have a bad habit. It's sometimes hard to separate the two. And you are so right about the barely getting by for a long time. I have been so miserable for so long that I haven't even cared if I woke up. Most days when I wake up I'm surprised I made it through another day. If it weren't for my daughter I probably truly would have committed suicide by now. I made a serious attempt almost 2 weeks ago now. If it weren't for my crazy tolerance level and my ex-husband/boyfriend I wouldn't be here talking to you today. It has to get better, right?
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
That is actually my given name. I hated my mother for hanging that on me for a long time! It wasn't until the last couple years that I even used it. When I first married I changed my middle name to my maiden name. When I got married the last time I took it back. I've been married 3 times total. 2 in the last couple years...yeah, I know lol. The guy that I have been talking about going through this with was my second husband but we have been living again together for the last several months. Well, had been anyway. He's at his mom's trying to stay straight too, He's doing good. I love him and I miss him like crazy but I know we don't need to be together right now. Maybe someday. Oh god now I'm crying. That reminds me of the old alan jackson song. That's kind of our song. Maybe I'm not doing as well as I thought today. My niece from my first husband's family texted me earlier about wanting some pictures of him for her first home. I haven't even answered her yet. I'm afraid to try to talk to her today for fear I will have a major melt down. I'm depressed as hell and trying not to be.  
Helpful - 0
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