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5807504 tn?1382912120

I am an addict

I only just admitted this to myself like Tuesday a week ago. I LOVE 30's. I'm almost 38 and been around drugs all my adult life and never got hooked on **** til these damn 30's. I got so much **** going on I don't even know what to say or what not to. I haven't done one since Friday, so I guess I'm 4 days in. I'm really not even trying to count. I haven't even been on them all that long but I must have the tolerance of an elephant or some **** because I just want more and more and more. I would guess around the holiday's last year was when I really got going. I've been a casual user of everything forever but these are a *****! I never thought I would be such a mess. I guess I'm kinda addicted to a guy, too. He finally left last weekend. Maybe at least he was smart enough to know we had to get away from each other because all we do anymore is get high...or try to get high, mostly just not be sick. I know I'm rambling but I'm a freakin mess and I don't have anyone to talk to and haven't slept for **** in days. I saw my guy today. He's doing good. He's a few days ahead of me. Really seeing him just made me want to get high. I don't really feel too bad physically, my stomach is kind of a mess but my nerves are a wreck! I hate everyone but I hate being by myself. I don't know where to go except sit in the house by myself because I don't trust myself not to get out and chase down a pill. **** a pill. I'm tired of this ****.  
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5807504 tn?1382912120
I wanted to check in with everyone and say hi and tell you guys what a great day I am having so far. I feel like I've gotten so much done. I did the laundry. Not a big deal right, I know, but considering I hadn't touched it in almost 2 weeks it was a pretty damn big deal I thought haha.

My whatever the hell he is is currently trying to get a new business up and running and called me needing some help with getting a DOT number for his company. Even though last night he had me so torn up that I was tempted to break weak I decided to help him out. I got it done for him and had a great feeling of success. It was nice :)

The thing I did though that I am the proudest of of all is I reached out to one of my old sober friends. He was my talk every single day bestbest bestie for years. I distanced myself from him as I got further down. He's a loyal good friend though because he answered right away and we talked for a while just about this and that. He didn't ask any questions. He knows I'll talk when I do. I'm so glad I called him and so thankful to have such a friend.

I had a little mood swing flip out a few minutes ago on my daughter and I feel not so good about that. She's been staying with a friend and stopped by because she needed some money. I was telling her about getting the DOT number thing done, being so proud of myself and all. While I was telling her she was standing there rolling her eyes and it just ran ALL OVER ME! I told her in my best sailor language that she was being rude and to just go on. She's a teenager and that's how they are so I should have kept my cool and I'm NOT AT ALL proud of myself for how I handled that.

Other than that it's been a good day though...not one craving, not one temptation, not one wd symptom. Thank all you guys so much for being here for me. This board has been a gift these last few days.
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
I didn't. I wanted to bad but I didn't. I stayed strong and I'm proud of me.
Helpful - 0
5807504 tn?1382912120
He is currently clean, yes. He is several days ahead of me and we have been off and on for 2 years.
Helpful - 0
480448 tn?1426948538
Using isn't an option, it won't change your reality hon.  You have to get used to FEELING again, the good AND the bad.  Can you go to a meeting?
Helpful - 0
495284 tn?1333894042
COMMUNITY LEADER
Is he clean?  How long has he been in the picture?
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5807504 tn?1382912120
I just had a really painful conversation. My man told me that even though he is trying to be my friend through this that he has absolutely no intention of ever being in a couple type relationship anymore. I was under the impression that we were just staying away from each other for a while to get our sh*t together and then try to work our way back to a sober life together. I want so bad to get high right now. I am totally, completely, crazy in love with this man and can't imagine not having him in my life.  
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