I am stuck in hell

[colinsplace66]

I am new to these forums but found myself gravitating to them as I am really hurting and needed advice. I stated going to a pain management clinic about 9 months ago after having sergury and having pain as a result. Honestly, I could deal with the pain. I liked the way the Percocet made me feel and convinced my doctor to refer me to a pain clinic. The pain clinic gave me 2 scripts. 1 for 30mg Morphine extended release 2 times a day and 1 for 15mg Oxycodone 5 times a day. I have been going through the Oxy in just over 2 weeks and then use the Morphine to hopefully get me throgh the next 2 weeks till I can fill my scripts again and then it starts all over again. 3 times, I have run out a few days before I could fill my scripts. 3 times I went through the worst pysicle and mental hell I have ever experienced. I am tired of thinking about this all the time and counting my pills. I have a good job and I have missed several days over this when sick. I am married and half 2 great young kids. My wife does not know I am doing this. She works in the helth care industry and knows my addictive personality and would be very mad if she knew what I was doing. When I run out and get sick she thinks I just have the flu. I want off this stuff so bad. I have put my job and my marridge and my life on the line here and it has to stop. I am ashamed of myself and find myself crying about it all the time. I am overly emotional for some reason. I started doing research online and was terified to find out how difficult it is to get off this stuff. I had no idea. I cannot got to detox. My wife would lose it. I dont think I would be able to keep my job either. I have to get off them on my own. I have another appointment with my pain doctor in a week and I am going to tell him that I want to get off these pills and hope he will help me rather than just cut me off. I cannot trust myself with the pills. I have a gal I work with that is very nice and says she had the same problem with her husband and she was able to take control of his meds and gradially ween him off of them. He is clean now. I gave her my pills. She is going to despence them to me and bring me down off them slowly. My question is, am I doing the right thing? Will this work? What do I do when I am out? Should I ask the doctor for something to take at that point to help ween me off further? I appreciate any help I can get. I don't really have a support system.

[clean_in_ks]

Hi, Hope and welcome to the forum~  I'm sure, like me, you found MedHelp thru an internet search.  This thread is an old one and a lot of the forum members aren't around anymore.  To get more help, if you go to this link:
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/Addiction-Substance-Abuse/show/77

And then hit the green post a question tab, you can copy and paste what you just wrote and a lot more people will see and reply to your questions.

After reading what you wrote above, if it were me, "I" would probably use the short acting Lortab to get you thru a few days...but definitely NOT the Tramadol.  It will make getting off the methadone a bit more bearable, imo.
Hope this makes sense...hope you'll be able to start your own new thread now☼

[Hopehicklin]

Hi, my name is Hope. I don't know if I am posting in the right place. I have been trying to figure this out for an hour. I am 57yo. Pain Dr. Placed me on Loratabs 10 years ago for back pain. However, if I am being honest, I was getting them for my boss who then convinced me to give them a try. I loved them! Then I told the Dr I was still in pain and they added Methadone to the mix. For 10 years I took 2-10's of Loratab daily and 10mg of Methadone.
I haven't used the rr on my own for 5 years. I can't stand it any more!
I quit the Loratabs 14 days ago with NO difficulty. Then I moved on to the Methadone. I am about 36 hours clean but I am very uptight and my stomach in wwIII. I was wondering if I should take a loratab to get me thru the Methadone withdrawal. I have a feeling tonight will be impossible! Any advice would be great. I also have Tramodol in the cabinet. Would that be a good idea instead of the loratab? Or should I just suck it up???

[ricart70]

so are you clean now ?  

[rosett6]

I myself have gone thru everything you good people are going thru. 15+ years ago I hurt my back lifting like hulk hogan, the Dr. Would give me 120 7.5 Vicodin every month. Sometimes I would accumulate 2 bottles or even more cause they just didn't do it for me, but meth did. Then 8 years ago I got married and had my 1st of what would be 5 baby girls. For a few years I just drank beer with very minimal relapses. Then the stress at work and home really did me in 4 years ago when the housing market and auto Ind. Took a dive. 2-3 years prior I started taking my 7.5 Vic's and never really felt a loss of self control. I would run out, and never missed a day of work, and we are talking 12-16 hour shifts with 4 days off a month. Then I forced myself to take oxycontin, seriously the first few times I really got sick. But I insisted on moving up. They were being handed to me free of charge at work. Well that employee left, and I was forced to start buying them and convincing my Dr. To up the doses. Now I was hooked but I was still very functional. I made sure I always had at least a half of one no matter what. I pretty much eliminated the meth, but OC's and Vodka were growing larger and larger. Then they changed to OP's, sad??? Not really cause now 15 Milli and 30 Milli Oxycodone were live, and now I loved every part of my life. Then the economy crashed and I couldn't afford em. I lost so much, but still had my job, wife, and family. About 2 and a half years ago I had finally did it 30 days of complete soberness. I had stopped so many times, but found so many tricks to help the withdrawals to still not lose my job. On day 30 I celebrated by doing the things that made me so happy before drugs. I played in a baseball tourn. @ the age of 34 and ended up in the ER in emerg. Surgery with a complete prosthetic elbow. They tried to give me 5 milli---I LAUGHED--- I was able to control it for a few months, but the nerve damage was getting worse. Now I'm up to 30ies again. Pissed off at the world and saying why me? I started to spin out of control 2geez a month on pills with a scrip. Gambling 2geez a month it was time for impatient care. The first 7 days were hell. I missed my family so much and could not even call them. I did not sleep for 6 days in a row, but by day 20 ish I was a NEW man. Day 21 I get a funeral my best worker had just had a heart attack and died at work. I flew in for the funeral and flew straight back, I was finishing my chapter. 3 days left, the boss that told me to NOT worry or think about work just replaced me, and I had to hear about it from a worker who was a friend. The day before my grad. My counselor calls me in and informs me my father is now diagnosed with a rare terminal blood cancer. Now soberness didn't mean anything to me anymore. I went 90 days and found another good job, but could not keep either. 3 months ago I was up to 300+ milli(blues) but not no more. I still have my wife, my kids, my parents, and to me nothing else matters. I'm now just starting to regain control of EVERYTHING. I have tried every trick in the book to quitting. To me it depends on your situation. I have many solutions or ideas for each situation. Feel free to E-mail me at ***@**** if you want any help.

[smilempty1]

hi, colin

i am new to this site and just was looking at others post knowing we are not alone in this mind and body torture. even if there isnt a whole lot of people in your physical world able to show much support knowing you can come to a place like this and get so much support and comfort is worth it all, from what others have shared we can share to, more that are sure to follow with same issues we need to be strong for ourselfs and them by sharing, i cant believe i have let this happen to me again but here i am, but anyway i went back through old posts you gave me quite a scare please be easy on yourself and know that even though we might never meet your life has made a impact on me and i care to know that you will be ok, just that i have hope right now that we will all be ok, maybe not great or even that good but still ok. keep posting i know i will. stay strong you have, you can, so far so good.

[ImDONENoMore]

ricart's right collins - WHY risk this?  Tramadol is an opiate - maybe not your standard opiate, but it's super addicting and unbelievably hard to come off of.  I thought you were feeling better?  You don't need a narcotic or another similar drug - too easy to get cross-addicted.

Don't collins - NOT worth it.  Hang in there cause with more time it will get better.  You'll see.  :)

[ricart70]

phia you had withdrawals because this is an opiate the same as any others.One thing that I really wish I knew is why does everyone think tram is not anopiate.  I guess that's what the doc tells everyone but he is wrong.
Why even risk it colin

[phiaNorcoqueen]

it's not an narcotic yet.. But with that said it does work on the same place of the brain just like the opiates do..  and i took them for a while before and low and behold when i stopped them i had horrible withdrawals .. This supposed safe non addictive drug.. But i don't if others have had problems but i know i did..  But hey do your research on the drug first ok!!  hey i'm glad you are feeling better..  and keep on keepin' on..

Sophia

[colinsplace66]

Does anyone know if Tremadol is an opiate? If I took it will I have to withdrwal again?

[lulu747]

Colin I am so glad you posted and happy you are feeling better!

Hormone imbalance is a very common side effect of opiate use/abuse...And hormones are one of the strongest governing forces in our bodies/brains.  It takes some work and a holistic approach to our health to find balance post-opiates...I hope your journey in recovery continues with more ease each day...
Lu

[texaslady68]

Great news Colin.  I am so relieved you are feeling better.

When I was taking the pills, I became severly anemic.  I still am, but not to the extent I was. (This can cause all kinds of problems)  It was so low, my doctor was trying to get me to have a blood transfusion.  

Funny, how we always talk about the mental part of our addiction such as depression, feelings, etc....We do not talk very often about all of the physcial/health problemns the pills can cause.

[Bkitty]

Yeahhhhhh!!! Im so happy that you feel better,,,I have been worrying about you. :)) Im so glad that you got that fixed. I had them check my hormones too and I had to go on the pill for that reason and because of my antidepressants. Mine were all out of whack as well. Keep us posted!! Hugs~Bkitty

[ImDONENoMore]

Oh my goodness unbelievable!!  What a relief this must be for you collins.  Another example of why it's so important to get checked out by the Dr.

It can only get better from here.  Good luck to you collins.  I hope your life becomes a happy one.  :)

[ricart70]

great to hear that you are doing better colin.I hope you continue to keep that monitored .It may go back up as you get some more clean time.Glad you are doing better!!

[colinsplace66]

I went to the doctor last week and explained the issues I was having. She had my blood checked out. The results explained everything. The normal Testostrone of a man my age 45 is supposed to be 1150 on average. Mine was 50. I had no male hormone in me. This causes depression, loss of energy, motivation, drive, everything I was going through. Opiates and my age are the reason it was so low. I was given a Testostrone shot and will be giving them to myself from now on. I think anyone who has gone through this hell should get their hormones checked out as it has made a tremendous difference in my life. I feel like I have waken up. I'm back to normal. I can deal with my problems now. I have my drive back. I am so glad I got this checked out.

[ImDONENoMore]

collins I can not tell you the relief I initially felt when I saw that you came back and posted again.  And I can not tell you the sadness I felt immediately thereafter after reading your words.

Please colins what are you waiting for?  Find a professional therapist to talk to now.  Today.  Pick up the phone right now and find someone and make that appt.  All of this can change with that one simple step.  Do it.  Please?

[theaddict]

glad you at least commented back to all of us who've been worried sick all night and morning and afternoon. glad you're here again with us.

what's up with the police? you poor thing.

everything is going to et better with time, this i promise you. right now, it may feel as though you're at the end of your rope amongst other mixed emotions. but just look at the number of comments from last night to this very moment from people who love and care for you, wanting to help.

[10356]

Hi Colinsplace.. I have not commented either on this thread but the depth of your pain compels me to do so.. Please listen to what these good folks are saying. You woke this morning Thank the Good Spirits.. I have never told this to anyone before. when my kids were young I was in a very dark place I was drinking whiskey taking anything I could get my hands on My hubby was having a affair I had never received treatment for my childhood I was one screwed up girl. I had put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger the safety was off but it never fired. I did not have the courage to do that again. I believe I was saved for a reason. It was not my time to check out. I never did get the help I needed and continued to drink and use had a bad accident that was My fault I was drunk and crushed my foot.. this lead me on another dark journey This time I did not have a gun to try to kill myself I had drugs. I almost did with a OD. I finally ran out of the strength to continue.. I gave, I surrendered.. It did not happen over night but it started when I started therapy. It was there I learned although slowly that I'm Worth saving.. Just as you are. My life is so different now. I'm so different. Of all the things you and your family have lost. The most Valuable is you.. You are not replaceable.. I looked at your pic of you outdoors You looked Happy.. Material things can be replaced ya know You can not. I will send a Prayer that you seek some help with this and that you do what needs to be done to get you back.. sending you a very warm hug.. lesa

[all_alone1]

I too havent commented until now.....and a agree with texas...there is a reason for you to be here...i have had the thoughts you are having at this moment but the thought of hurting my children is what kept me going....your children need you and so does your wife even if things are not right with you two at the moment....you are loved more than you know please remember that....

talk to us here more people than you know are going through what you are feeling...we can help eachother...comfort oneanother....talk...and listen..

we do care about you and what you are going through.

[lulu747]

Colin....
Please hold onto whatever faith that you have...You have people that love you and care about your well-being.  Please seek medical help.  You are overwhelmed and need support...You are human and make mistakes-everyone does.  You can do this, I know it doesn't feel like it right now but you are here for a reason and you need to hold on...
Please seek medical help.  No one does this alone.  The people on this forum genuinely care for you and are only trying to support you and see you get the help that you need.
I know the desperate place, the lost and alone and completely overwhelmed place...You are not alone....  There is a light at the end of the tunnel....Your life is worth it Colin....You are worth it...Please keep posting...
Sending support and prayers..
Lu

[texaslady68]

Colin, I have not commented on this thread, because it is sad and I keep hoping and praying that you will get the help you need.  Your last sentence says it all!  "you wish you didnt wake up this morning"..... BUT YOU DID!

There is a reason for you being here.  There are angels on earth I believe. You might be one of them but the first step is going to be believing in yourself.  I myself, have almost lost everything, and have to a certain extent, but we must keep going.  You have to look at the positive, your beautiful children, and wife.  Ending things is never the answer because it is permanant.  You are at a place right now that you can climb out of. Please, you just have to use every ounce of INNER strength you can muster and do it.  We believe in you now believe in yourself.

[colinsplace66]

Another day in hell I have woken up to. I was met at my house with police when I got home. Now my wife is even more upset with me. I'm at work and really shouldnt be here. I am constantly crying. I am a bad father, husband and employee. I honestly do not see how I am any good to anyone right now. I have completly hit bottom. I do not want to go on. I have been isolating myself from everyone. I wish I didn't wake up this morning.

[theaddict]

it does help. i guess i needed someone to tell me firsthand so that i would be able to see their point of view as well. i totally understand where you're coming from.

[ricart70]

Hope you are ok colin.I know there is nothing we can say that will make you feel all better but just know that we are here.Let us know how you are